Author's 'post it' note: This chapter is longer than the others, thought you all deserved it for being so patient! More info at the end of the chapter. Okay, now go read!
Disclaimer: With or without clothes the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
CHAPTER TWO: I Learned To Line Dance
"NO!" Emmett's shout reverberated from the airy kitchen of the big white house right through the cottage.
I sat up, and yawned, wondering why Emmett was causing a commotion. I blinked and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Part of me was disappointed I was up just before dawn.
The inky sky was slowly getting lighter, but it was still too dark to read without a light, there really wasn't much else to do in my room at this hour.
A trickling sense of boredom came over me as I flattened myself against my pillows. I couldn't be too upset I was awake early. I loathed the fact that I had to sleep. Nobody else did!
I always worried I would miss something incredibly fun or exciting, but Rosalie often told me that she was bored while I slept, because everything was only fun and exciting when I was around. And then Emmett would make a stupid joke about me being just like Mommy, because apparently when she was human, life around Forks was almost incessantly exciting. Daddy was never amused by this and he would glare at Emmett and then make some statement about life how at least life was now consistent. At which Emmett would snort and say, "Consistency is only useful when you use a toilet!"
Aside from the fact that this could always get me to laugh, no matter what my mood, I really did agree with Emmett. Consistency was dull. It was mind-numbing to imagine doing the same thing for nearly a century. Everybody needs a little variety.
Though when I really thought about it, my life was rarely consistent. I grew large amounts on a daily basis, I never wore the same outfit twice and I had a vast understanding of concepts children my actual age would probably not discover till their early teens.
I never even knew where my next meal was coming from. Not in the literal sense of course. But I could never be sure if I would have to endure human food or if maybe Mommy and Daddy would take me hunting. Even hunting could be considered a little inconsistent, as we never hunted in one area too often.
I closed my eyes, imagining clinging to Daddy's back like a baby monkey, because I still wasn't as fast as the rest of the family. He would race through the forest, his feet noiselessly slamming the hard, usually uneven ground. Daddy was swift, but Emmett was the most fun when he ran. Emmett made sure I was bounced and jostled the whole way, completely on purpose, since he was just as capable at keeping as steady as Daddy could. Emmett liked bounding through the forests, knocking over trees as he went. I'm sure people assumed numerous lightening storms were the cause of the destruction. Hunting trips were even better when Mommy and Daddy would race!
I liked to pretend I was a horse jockey and encourage whoever bore me to go faster. Whoever was carrying me always won, and I was beginning to get suspicious that this was being done on purpose.
Jasper's even voice carried right to my room, though his tone was coarser than usual,"Emmett, you have to!"
Sighing into my pillow I rolled over and nearly fell out of my bed. Mommy and Daddy had long since, removed my crib from the room; I'd grown out of it in only a few short weeks. Sometimes I missed the security of those iron bars, but I loved my canopy bed, I felt just like a princess, with the lacey pink cover for the top.
Catching myself I relished in the coolness of my satin covers a moment. But I was too curious to know what Emmett and Jasper were up to.
As I moved toward my door, I saw the knob turn and Daddy's head peer in. "Heard you get up. Are you hungry, Nessie?"
I scrunched up my nose, "What do I have to eat this morning?"
"Oatmeal!" Daddy said, ignoring my sardonic tone.
"It's so bland! And it's either too crunchy or too soft," I whined, cringing at the thought of eating such a sad excuse for food.
It had only been a week since I first tried cereal. And since then I'd had sushi, pizza, chocolate, avocados, cherries, two kinds of soup and eggs, among a few other things that were just too awful to recall.
I liked eating chocolate the most! Not because I really liked the taste, but because everyone would sit around and stare at me and moan as I ate it, my fingers practically melting the bar before I could finish it. Everyone missed chocolate except both my Grandpas and Jacob.
Grandpa Carlisle didn't miss it because he wasn't sure he had ever had chocolate in the time he was human. Emmett insisted he probably had never had it, because "you never forget your first time," he would chuckle and wink. Mommy would nod enthusiastically and then knock Emmett in the head with a reproving look. And Grandpa Charlie would split a bar with me, which would appease both Sue, who didn't like Grandpa having too much sugar and Grandpa because he could enjoy the chocolate. Jacob was the best though. He likes chocolate, but he never forces any on me. Its just not as sweet as…blood.
"Oh, okay," I sulked. Daddy scooped me up and ran for the big white house.
Jasper was sitting at the kitchen table smirking. I plopped into the chair opposite him and folded my arms.
"This is going to be so good!" Jasper said, rubbing his hands together.
"You should eat the oatmeal then," I mumbled.
Daddy stared at me sternly a moment then looked at Jasper alarmed. "What is? What are you doing?! You know what, Nessie, let's come back later."
"It'll be fine! Stay! Please, at least let Nessie eat. Emmett is just fulfilling his end of the bet he lost."
"I DID NOT LOSE! WE CALLED A TRUCE!" Emmett shouted from somewhere upstairs.
Daddy raised his eyebrows, "If you called a truce then why does Emmett have to do anything?"
"Because that was the conditions of the truce," Jasper stared at the doorway to the kitchen, waiting.
Daddy shook his head heading toward the pantry. "What bet did you call a truce for, anyway?" he asked, as he rummaged for the box of oatmeal.
"The one about Bella. We decided it was clear we were both wrong and it was time to move on. Emmett should be ready any moment," Jasper chuckled, demonically.
"And what do you have to do?" Daddy started pouring hot water into the oatmeal. I swallowed and clenched my teeth.
"Don't worry your pretty little bouffant about it, Edward. Just let me enjoy this," Jasper reclined in his chair, the back of it protesting with his weight.
"I would be much more assured if you weren't singing the Lamb Chop theme song in Hebrew with a southern accent over and over in your head!" Daddy placed the bowl of steaming oatmeal in front of me and then took the seat beside me.
"Hey! It's 'the song that never ends'!" Jasper hummed out loud for a bit and then looked at his watch, "Emmett you have thirty seconds and counting to get down here...28…27…26…25…"
I held the spoon full of oatmeal to my mouth, but dropped it.
"Just take those old records off the shelf!"
Suddenly the house was filled with the sound of Bod Seger's voice. Daddy was watching the doorway to the kitchen as intently as Jasper, except he was poised to run. I didn't want to leave so I started again at my oatmeal, hoping to encourage Daddy to let me stay.
But I quickly dropped my spoon again as Emmett skidded into the kitchen…
I gasped, but quickly started giggling. It was impossible to stop.
Emmett was in a woman's dress shirt that barely made it across his broad frame and a frilly pair of pink underwear that undeniably belonged to Alice. The seams looked ready to pop at the slightest movement.
"I promise you, Edward, there will be no wardrobe malfunction," Emmett winked at me, still dancing across the floor.
"If there is, you're paying for the therapy," Daddy said, smirking.
"Hey! Nessie won't need therapy," Emmett beamed, "She'll just have to hope Jacob can compete!"
"Emmett! I wasn't talking about therapy for Nessie, I was referring to me! But after hearing that Nessie will need therapy!"
I opened my mouth to ask no less than a million questions but I just kind of gaped at Daddy and Jasper unsure of where to start and then I lost my opportunity to talk, altogether.
"Stop talking Emmett, what this?! We didn't agree upon this!" Jasper was beginning to look indignant.
"Shutup, Jasper! I'm getting to what we agreed to. Just warming up," Emmett flexed a few times.
"Well that's pointless, since we're always cold!"
Daddy chuckled, "Risky business you're working, Emmett."
Emmett snorted. "Oh relax, Jazz! The girls are out hunting, they won't be back for hours."
"Mommy went hunting?" I tried not to sound too upset, but I was kind of disappointed they hadn't taken me. I was a girl!
Daddy wrapped me in his arms, "They're also going shopping for you, but it was supposed to be a surprise."
I didn't have time to dwell on the whole matter since just then the music changed and Emmett started doing some weird dance moves with his arms.
"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A." I quickly realized Emmett was trying to create the letters of the song, but the shirt was restricting him. The song didn't stay on long and another one with hands ("Hands up. Baby, hands up/Gimme your heart/gimme, gimme/All your love, all your love.") quickly replaced it.
I wished Emmett would do this everyday. It was the best way to get everyone's attention off me and my breakfast. The moves were weird but they were easy to remember and the songs were kind of catchy...
Emmett started walking in place his arms moving as the song declared, "C'mon baby do the loco-motion!" which quickly shifted into a different tune, "Do the hustle!"
A satisfied smile was slowly creeping across Jasper's face. "Excellent transition!"
The fun beat ("dudududedudedudu") became a more complicated dance where the singer said, "It's electric! Boogie woogie, woogie!"
"Nessie, come dance the next one with me!" Emmett said nodding to the spot on the floor next to him.
"But I probably don't know it! And I definitely don't know the dance moves."
Even though it was just Daddy, Jasper and Emmett—who was already making a fool of himself—I was too embarrassed. Emmett was being funny, but I would just look ridiculous in my pajamas, standing there.
Emmett grabbed my hand and yanked me up, gently depositing me in the center of the room next to him so fast all the blood rushed to my head. I swayed on the spot a moment and the looked up at Emmett afraid of he what he wanted me to do.
I was quickly learning I had few choices when someone in this family put their mind to something…
"Ready, Nessie?" Emmett said as he placed his hands against his hips and began flapping his elbows.
"No," I whined, eying my oatmeal, wishing I could at least sit by it again.
"Just follow me!" Emmett said, excitedly.
"I don't wanna be a chicken! I don't wanna be a duck! So shake my butt!"
I sniggered at the lyrics. The dance moves were surprising easily and obvious. But I still ran back to my seat at the table as soon as the song changed, my cheeks growing hot from the humiliation. I gave Emmett a lot of credit for dancing around with no regard for what anyone else might think. The next song was in another language and the only thing I could really catch was "Hey! Macarena!" And then Emmett would turn and start doing the moves facing that direction…
I never heard the next song because Daddy covered my ears and started humming rather loudly, though I caught a line or two, "Watch me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Then Super Man Dat…," which didn't really explain why Daddy was covering my ears.
Then two very country sounding songs, blared through the house.
Daddy explained that 'The Cotton-Eyed Joe' was a folk song. The dance for this was too complicated and Emmett did the moves so fast my eyes couldn't keep up. The other country song was more fun sounding and whenever Emmett was done fulfilling the bet I was going to insist he teach me the 'Hoedown Throwdown'!
...After 'The Cha Cha Slide' Emmett darted out of the room and returned with a feather boa, as the track changed.
Jasper clapped, "Ah, this is what we agreed on!"
"It's just a jump to the left" the music instructed.
Emmett jumped, rocking the whole house.
"…Let's do the time warp again!" Emmett wiggled his arms in front of him, singing along with the last verse of the chorus.
"What's the 'Time warp'?" I asked, Daddy. The oatmeal was cold and completely forgotten, thankfully.
As the song ended and the house was quiet again Emmett said, "It's a song from a movie, we'll watch it! You'll like it."
"She is not watching that movie," Daddy snarled.
"Shhh! I threw in an extra song," Emmett held up his hand waiting.
"EXCELLENT!" Jasper approved.
Emmett looked threatening, "But you have to dance with me, Jasper! With the boa."
Jasper rolled his eyes and snatched the boa from the floor. "You did more than enough so I'll dance as long as it's not—"
"'Cause this is thriller, thriller night!"
Jasper looked stunned momentarily, but he and Emmett started to dance. I was familiar with the song since Daddy thought the artist's music was more than acceptable and he rarely found anything to like about the music from 80's and 90's.
Learning about line dancing and not having to eat my oatmeal shouldn't have been traumatic…
But then there was the distinct sound of fabric ripping. I blinked and stared at Emmett…the shirt was in tatters on the floor, but the lacy undergarments were thoroughly intact…What truly made the situation traumatic was nothing compared to Rosalie stalking in, unannounced proclaiming how Alice was right to want to get home and then Alice storming in screaming at Emmett for wearing her underwear…again. Mommy followed them in, kissing me on the head and then reminding everyone about the oatmeal in front of me. It wasn't until later, after I'd learned the 'Hoedown Throwdown', which is when I realized I was having a terrible excuse for a childhood, I was deprived for never having been to Disney World! Just because I could read and write and was barely a year old didn't mean I didn't want to have at least similar experiences to normal children!
It's one thing to be special within your breed. It's a whole other issue entirely to not be normal...Which confused me because if I wanted normalcy than I was more in agreement with Daddy about consistency than I realized...And being confused is traumatic for me because I understand too much for my own good, already!
That's when the identity crisis started up...
Everything got worse when I calmed down enough to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show but it was a false sense of serenity because then Emmett insisted on viewing real monster movies and what happened next was worse than line dancing and human food...
Author's Note: DUNDUNDAAA!!! lol! Yeah, this chapter was particularly random but I bet I totally psyched you out when Nessie heard something rip...It's okay, you can admit you totally thought she was finally going to see Emmett naked! It'll happen...Just keep your panties on...Or I guess in Emmett's case, Alice's panties...So, originally I had a different idea set for this chapter, but in light of recent events I felt the need to incorporate the late, great Michael Jackson. And yes I threw the 'Hoedown Throwdown' in there, too! Seriously, everyone should want to learn it!
Fun fact: chocolate wasn't available to the general public till like the mid-1700s...Google it!
Anyway, I actually know what's going to happen next...MMMWWWHHHAAA!!!