The Idiot's Guide to Working with Dana Scully The Idiot's Guide to Working with Dana Scully
by Katie
Disclaimer: Do I look like an surfer-gone-writer or a t.v. company? I think not.


Snooping in Mulder's desk. Scully would kill me if she ever found out. She's more possessive of this thing than a she-wolf of her cubs.

Common sense and self-preservation tell me I should just back away from the desk right now, and go back to my little corner and catch up on some of the older X-Files. Common sense and self-preservation are very important to a good investigator. So's curiousity, and right now, that's what's winning the fight. So, throwing all good sense to the wind, I have begun shamelessly snooping through Mulder's desk.

Porno tapes...who the heck would keep porno tapes at the office? And why wouldn't've Scully gotten rid of them? Wait, scratch that-she's waiting for him to come back; of course she wouldn't get rid of his things. Studiously avoiding furthur study, I put away the tapes, and open up the drawer above it. Under a bunch of documents covered both with Scully's precise handwriting and Mulder's erratic scrawl I find a box labeled 'Scully'. Looking inside, I find hundreds of pictures, both posed and candid, of Scully. Sometimes with Mulder, most often alone. I glance through them only briefly, something inside me recoiling from delving deeper into something so personal. I close the box carefully, and put it back in the drawer.

Wait. There's something there....a sheet of papers untouched by Scully's hand. Curious, I slide them out. The Idiot's Guide to Working With Dana Scully, by Fox Mulder.

What the bloody heck?!?

At the moment, every single ounce of common sense in my body is screaming " put the papers down, and go back to your desk!". I probably should listen to them.

I don't.

Ever since I began working on the X-Files I've wanted to get to know Agent Mulder, both to understand why he loves the files, and why Agent Scully is so devoted to him. And you know what they say, the most revealing thing about a person is their writing.

Besides, I could use all the advice I can get about working with Scully.

Shoving aside the last lingering traces of guilt, I turn to the first page, and as I begin to read, I can almost hear Mulder's voice reading the words aloud.

I am an idiot. A complete and utter idiot. I can't believe I forgot the cardinal rule of Scully.

Don't baby.

Not that I can really help it. (God, I hope she doesn't find this...) I know she's strong, and I know she can take care of herself...Lord knows she's taken care of me more times than I can I really at fault for wanting to return the favor?

I've been forgetting a lot of the important nuances of our partnership recently it seems. Which is why I'm writing them all down, in case I need reminding. Or, heaven forbid, They finally suceed in breaking us apart and Scully has to break in a new partner. (don't think like that, Mulder...)

So, whether it be for me, or a future Scullypartner, let's get down and dirty. (oo, not a nice image there, Spooky....)

I have to grin. I can just imagine tall, lanky Mulder trying to protect petite Scully, only to be cowed down again by her wrath. I can feel myself warming up to the man already. I too had been on the receiving end of the Scullytemper, and it's not an experiance I want repeat, if I have a choice in the matter.

The manuscript in my hands is thick. Good Lord, how much could the man write about one woman? A whole lot, so it seems. Not that I can really blame him, but we're not going there, John. I don't know when Scully will be back from lunch, so I'll have to content myself with chapter titles. (chapter titles? the man's obsessed)

Chapter One: The Cardinal Rule of Scully-Don't Baby. Dire Consequences Invariably Ensue.

Chapter Two: Proof-You Can Never Have Enough.
(Mulder's abduction must've been life-altering...)

Chapter Three: Honesty's Best Policy. Lie to Her and You're a Dead Man When She Finds Out. (ain't that the truth)

Chapter Four: The Different Scully "I'm Fines" and How to Tell Them Apart. (he could actually make an entire chapter out of two words?)

Chapter Five: Ditching-Just Say No. (now I know where she got the idea to pull that stunt with the Jesus slug...wish she had listened to her own advice)

Chapter Six: Trust No One. Not Even Old Friends. Especially Ex-partners Named Diana Fowley. (Diana Fowley? that name rings a bell....wasn't she an x-file?)

Chapter Seven: Secret Informants. She Doesn't Trust Them. You're Better Off Not Mentioning Them. (see chapter three)(informants? curiouser and curiouser) Chapter Eight: Frohike. 'Nuff Said. (what does that little toad have to do with Scully?)

Chapter Nine: Coddling-You Try to Pull It on Her and You're Dead, but Don't Even Dream of Trying to Stop Her from Doing It to You.
(I hope he's talking about all the accidents he's been in...)

Chapter Ten: Dealing With Abductions.

Dealing with abductions? I could probably use a little advice on that subject. I continue reading.

Dealing with Abductions: You can't. Don't even try. Just go insane with obsession, and pray that some powerful force will have enough mercy on your poor crazed soul to return her to you before you get yourself killed.

I wince at the bitterness in his words. The Bureau grapevine had not done the two of them justice. My fun gone sour, I slowly put the manuscript back in its rightful place, and slowly close the drawer.

I had just settled down at my desk when Scully walked in, looking cool and proffesional as ever. She barely acknowledges my presence, sitting down at her desk and immediatly working on a report. I study her out of the corner of my eyes, and mentally add another chapter to Mulder's book.

Chapter Eleven: Standing Between Scully and Mulder. Bad Idea.

Standing Between Scully and Mulder: Don't do it. Extremely hazardous. Very similiar to standing between a tunnel entrance and a speeding train. Don't risk it, it's really not worth it, and you'd never suceed, anyway.