How Han Solo Became a Hero
Han took a big swig of whiskey and audibly sighed as Luke and Mara joined the already crowded space in the Solos' living room. "Why does everyone feel obligated to watch this holo-docu-drama here?" he complained. "You all have your own homes."
"What fun would that be?" Luke returned, grinning and looking around at the Solo children, Leia, Wedge, Lando, Chewie, Wes, Tycho and Winter. "We'd much rather see your reaction instead of just having Leia describe it afterwards."
"I'm sure I wouldn't be able to do it justice," Leia said, handing her brother and his wife cold beverages.
"Sides, it's way more fun in a group," Wedge added agreeably.
"That's because you only have a small role. You wouldn't like it if this focused on you," Han groused.
"I've never been married to the President," Wedge argued. "Blame your wife."
"I have been."
"Shut up, nerfherder," Leia warned. "You could be sleeping on the sofa tonight."
"Sure," Han muttered. "Add injury to insult."
"You should feel complimented," Mara said.
"Complimented?" Han asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. "Would you?"
"Well... no," Mara admitted. "I'd probably have to eliminate the guilty parties involved."
"Mara!" Luke admonished. "That's not a very Jedi-like thing to say." Mara just rolled her eyes in response to Luke's verbal chastisement.
"I tried to use my influence to stop this," Leia said, shaking her head sadly. "The lawyers just told me that we're considered public domain, and this could happen to any of us."
"Sith-spit lawyers. What good are they, anyway?" Han said. The Corellian turned to look at his brother-in-law. "Why didn't they pick on you? You were a sandfarmer-turned-Jedi that married an ex-Imperial, and you have very interesting parents. I think these idiots are just making up who my parents were."
"Don't worry, dear," Leia said, patting Han on top of his head. "If this gets good ratings, I'm sure Luke's turn will be next."
"Thanks, sis," Luke said dourly. "I just hope they pick a taller actor to play me next time."
Han laughed. "Taller? That would be just plain wrong, kid."
"Come on," Luke protested. "This Trace Hammil doesn't look a bit like me. Until now, I've never even heard of him!"
"I've heard that he's related to that ice-glider, Dotty Hammil," Wes put in helpfully.
"I kinda like that actor that plays me... what's his name?" Han asked. "Hairpinnion Dodge? That's a strange name, even for an actor."
"I hope they show all the really juicy parts," Tycho said. "Does this have a parental warning?"
"No, it doesn't," Jaina told him. "Mom wouldn't let us watch it if it did."
"After this, no matter how bad we are, dad won't be able to say anything at all," Anakin said.
Jacen nodded enthusiastically. "Mom is gonna be real mad when she sees dad kissing another woman."
"Yuck," Anakin said, pretending to gag. "I'll shut my eyes during those parts. Do you kiss lots of girls, dad?"
"Not anymore," Han responded lightly, thinking the sofa was looking more and more likely.
"It's just an actor, not your father," Leia pointed out, glaring at her off-spring.
Han shook his head. "This is all just made-up kreth. They don't know my real story, and no one told them anything." When Lando cleared his throat and looked at the ceiling, Han glared at the gambler. "You didn't cooperate with this, did you?"
"Calrissian...." Han growled out.
"It wasn't that big a deal," Lando pleaded. "They just asked me to confirm a few things. Like how you stole the Falcon from me, and how I tried to save your hide on Bespin - at great risk to my own personal safety, mind you."
"I think you stole it," Lando argued. "And they seemed real interested in the backstory of Bria, too."
"You told them about Bria!"
"Don't get so worked up, Han," Lando said. "I told them she loved me, anyway, but didn't want to upset you."
"What? Why would you tell them that?" Han demanded. "That's a lie!"
"I wasn't the only one that cooperated," Lando said defensively. "Wedge told them a few details, too."
His fellow Corellian flushed. "I just told them about our exploits chasing Zsinj, and how my brilliant idea saved the fleet. Oh, and maybe a few things about my wonderful flying skills at taking out the first Death Star."
"But I took out the first Death Star!" Luke protested, ignoring Mara's snickering.
"Look how long I held off those TIE fighters," Wedge argued back. "I should have been awarded a medal, too. It still annoys me to this day."
"Let me get this straight," Han said. "This holo-drama is gonna have Bria and Lando in love, Wedge destroying the Death Star, and me stealing the Millennium Falcon in a fixed card game?"
"And I might have mentioned that I single-handedly wiped out the AT-AT's on Hoth," Wes added quietly.
"But I did that, too!" Luke yelled.
"Quit taking credit for all the good parts, Luke," Wes grumbled.
Han shrugged. "Maybe this holodrama won't be as bad as I first thought."
"At least until they show the Jabba scene," Leia griped.
"I'm sure they'll get that part right," Han informed the group confidently.
"Why is that?"
"I might have...err.... "
"What, Solo?" Leia asked suspiciously.
"Well, you weren't using it," Han said defensively. "And they only wanted to borrow it, anyway."
"Your metal bikini," Han managed to admit before running from the room with Leia hot on his heels.
A loud crash from the bedroom made the occupants of the living area wince in sympathy, and a few moments later Leia re-entered the room, looking both annoyed and pleased at the same time. Han limped in behind her, gingerly holding his nose.
"I thought you could take her, Solo," Wedge said, trying to hide his grin. "Good thing I didn't put any bets down."
"I'd take the Princess, any day," Lando said. "That's why I win my bets."
"I tripped over that damned footstool," Han answered grimly. "We have too much unnecessary furniture in this house."
"That's his story, and he's sticking to it," Leia said primly, sitting down calmly on the sofa next to her sister-in-law.
"It's a good thing you're back," Luke told them. "The holo-drama is about to start."
"Oh, goody," Han said sarcastically, sitting down as far away as possible from his wife, focusing on the holo-screen as exciting music filled the room, and big letters began scrolling across the viewer, then faded away in the background as the opening scrawl continued.
~~~~~~~ The Holo Begins ~~~~~~~
"It was a time of tragedy in the galaxy, both for the great and small...
And although the galaxy was as yet unaware,
the Evil Palpatine was already formulating his plans
for seizing control of the Senate by manipulating a young Jedi,
and one small boy was about to learn exactly how evil beings could be.
The scene cut away to a well-appointed home, showing a pretty young mother brushing her child's hair. Suddenly, the door to the nursery swung open, and a man covered in blood staggered into the room. "Tia.... take Han and leave Corellia. He's discovered my treachery."
The man dropped to his knees while his wife screamed in horror. "I won't leave you!"
"They're coming," he gasped, reaching out his hand imploringly. "They'll kill us all. You must not allow our son to die. His destiny lies in the future....remember... that's what the gypsy on Chandrila told us."
A loud boom sounded, and the auburn-haired woman started crying. "It's too late. They're here."
"Run!" the man yelled. "Get out of the window, and run as fast as you can!"
The young mother grabbed her son, then lowered him out of the window. She turned one last time to look at her dying husband. "I love you, Jonash. I'll never forget you."
"I know," he whispered as he thudded face-down, apparently dead.
The woman turned to move out of the window and follow her son, but she was too late. Clone-troopers burst into the room, blasting her in the back. With her dying breath, she screamed, "RUN, HAN!"
The scene cut away to the title of the holo-drama - 'AN UNLIKELY HERO - THE TRUE STORY OF GENERAL HAN SOLO'...
Starring .... Hairpinnion Dodge as General Han Solo
Caddi Angler as Princess Leia Organa Solo
Trace Hammil as Luke Skywalker
Haywire Erl Kringleson as Darth Vader
Sir Stout Guiness Ale as Obi-Wan Kenobi
Willie B. Dillions as Lando Calrissian
and a star-cast of thousands.......
~~~~~~~ Back to the living room ~~~~~~
"Can you believe that?" Wedge complained. "I didn't even get my name mentioned in the opening tags."
"Me, either," Wes agreed.
"Your mother's name was Tia?" Jaina asked her father.
"I have no idea what my mother's name was," Han replied tightly. "They made up a name."
"Who sent the stormtroopers?" Jacen questioned. "That's not very clear."
"Maybe it was Palpatine," Anakin surmised. "What do you think, dad?"
"I don't know," Han said sullenly. "I'm sure it was vague on purpose... SINCE THEY'RE MAKING THIS ALL UP!"
"A gypsy on Chandrila told them you would turn into a hero?" Lando questioned, stroking his mustache thoughtfully. "I never heard that one."
"Maybe because it's NOT true?" Han shot back. "How many times do I have to tell you this is all just a BIG PILE of bantha droppings?"
"But they got your father's name right," Jaina pointed out.
"What's with Solo men saying 'I know' instead of 'I love you' at end-of-life moments?" Leia asked, irritated.
"It's probably hereditary," Mara replied smugly. "Luke would never do that. Right, Luke?"
"Right," Luke said hurriedly.
"I'd like to know who told them that's what I said to you on Bespin," Han remarked to his wife, then glared at Lando.
"Why are you looking at me?" Lando said defensively. "Leia and Chewie were both there too, if you recall."
"I was there as well," Threepio piped up as he entered the room. "No one ever remembers us droids."
"Goldenrod, if you told them anything at all, I'm dismantling you," Han said threateningly.
"Me?" Threepio threw up his hands. "I would never betray you, Master Solo. I do recall that I was rather indisposed myself during that dreadful ordeal. I will never forget those Ugnaughts and how very close I came to being melted into scrap metal."
"Be quiet, Threepio," Luke ordered the droid. "The show's about to come back on."
~~~~~~ After a break from the sponsors, back to the Holo ~~~~~~~
The filthy little street urchin held out his hand to the finely dressed Corellian woman. "Credith, ma'am? I'm being very hungry."
The rich woman looked down disdainfully. "Go away, you worthless, smelly thing. Go get a job, or something."
"I'm only four." The child held up two fingers as the woman stuck her nose in the air and hurried away.
The view scanned over to a smarmy-looking man with slicked back hair and hard eyes. "What's your name, kid?"
"I've been looking for you. Come with me, and I'll give you food and a warm place to sleep. Does that sound good?"
"I'm not 'poss'd to go with 'thrangerth," the little boy replied dubiously.
"I'm not a stranger. My name is Garris Shrike, and I'm a friend." And with that... the man jumped up, then started dancing around the street and singing...
"I'm a friend by the name of Garris Shrike,
Wouldn't you like to be my best buddy?
I'll take good care of you, and that's no shtick,
Come with me, there's no need to roam,
We'll have lotsa fun, and I'll be your best friend,
A big ship is waiting, you won't be alone,
Oh, the fun you'll have... there will be no end.....
Because I'm your new pal, and that's a kick,
The one and only.....Garris Shrike
~~~~~~~~ cut back to living room ~~~~~~~~~~
Han stood up, yelling at the holo-tube. "A MUSICAL? They turned my life into a MUSICAL?"
"Calm down, Han," Luke said, shaking his head. "You already said this is a pile of bantha droppings."
"Ya gotta admit," Wedge said. "The pile is getting bigger and smellier all the time."
"I kinda like it," Wes mused. "It adds a certain ... unexpected flair."
"That is very true," Threepio added. "As long as they don't have the droids doing a high-kick dance number. I am afraid that would be very unrealistic, since droids can't kick very high."
"Yeah," Han grumbled. "We wouldn't want this to be unrealistic now, would we?"
~~~~ The Show ~~~~~~~
"Poor, poor, little old me,
Stolen away before I was three,
Now I slave all day
For not a credit of pay,
I hate that jerk,
sang the pint-sized version of 'Han' as he was backed up by a soulful chorus of bedraggled children clutching their tattered hats and humming along.
After the song ended, a Wookiee wearing an apron and a chef's hat stuck her head inside the room. *What are you doing? Hurry, before Master Shrike catches you wasting time,* the Wookiee said, her words translated into Basic along the bottom of the holo-screen.
"Aww, Dewlanna, we're just having fun," 'Han' complained, watching as all the other children ran squealing away in terror from the Wookiee. "I have to steal and pickpocket all day long to make Shrike happy. I never get to play."
The female Wookiee shook her head. *What about the swoop bike races? You have fun with those.*
"Only when I win," 'Han' pouted. "Shrike beats me up when I lose."
*Then it's a good thing you mostly win. Now come help me prepare dinner. I will teach you something useful - cooking.*
"But I don't wanna learn how to cook!"
*Not now, but when you get older, your wife will appreciate it if you have some talent besides swoop bike racing.*
"I can do lots of other stuff," the boy bragged. "And besides, I don't want a wife."
'Dewlanna' grabbed the boy's ear, dragging him along and ignoring his protests. *You will get married because all males need females telling them what to do. Otherwise, the galaxy would implode into chaos.*
~~~~~~~ Solo living room ~~~~~~~
Leia turned a shocked expression toward her husband. "You didn't want to marry me?"
"I never said that," Han objected.
"But Dewlanna just said - "
"That's not Dewlanna," Han interrupted his wife, wondering if he'd live through this night. "She never said stupid things like that, and she never pulled my ear, either."
"She should have," Mara said. "Maybe it would have taught you some manners."
"Why were all the other kids afraid of Dewlanna?" Anakin asked his father.
Han sighed. "They weren't."
*She's kind of hot,* Chewie woofed out. *But don't tell Malla I said that, or I'll have to rip your arms off.*
"I'm still amazed you could sing like that," Wes snickered. "Why did you become a smuggler when you could have been onstage making big credits?"
"You need to lay off the booze, Janson," Han muttered, taking another big swallow himself. It was going to be the only way he could suffer through this humiliation.
They turned their attention back to the holo-viewer.
~~~~ The Show ~~~~~
A teenaged version of Han was racing his swoop against a huge field of much older racers, and overcoming great danger and evil treachery by the other riders. After winning the race, he jumped off the seat, holding his arms in the air and yelling in victory as a pretty, red-headed girl presented him with a trophy, and kissing him on his lips.
"I've never seen anything so brave in all my life," the girl swooned.
"Thanks, honey. You ain't seen nothing yet," 'Han' boasted.
"Really?" The girl batted her eyes at the boy. "Will you show me more?"
'Han' leered at the girl. "Gladly. What's your name, anyway?"
~~~~ Living Room ~~~~
"WHAT?" Han yelled, jumping up off the sofa. "That's not how I met Bria!"
"Are you sure?" Lando asked, puzzled. "I thought you met her when you were still a teenager."
Han looked over at Lando, dumbfounded. "Of course I'm sure. I can recall my own life."
"I thought that's the way it happened," the gambler said glumly. "It was so long ago, I had a hard time remembering."
"Why should you remember?" Han ranted back. "It wasn't your life to remember!"
"Bria is beautiful," Luke said, leaning forward to get a closer look at the red-headed actress.
Furious, Mara hauled off and slugged her husband in his shoulder. "Quit drooling. I'm sitting right here."
"Ow," Luke said, rubbing his arm.
"He can't help it," Wes informed Mara. "Luke has it bad for red-heads."
"I'm glad you didn't marry Bria," Jaina said sincerely. "I wouldn't want to have red hair."
"What's wrong with my hair?" Mara demanded.
"Uh... nothing," Jaina mumbled. "On you, it's fine."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means she likes her mother's hair better than yours," Han told Mara, grinning.
"I don't have to stay here and be insulted," Mara said, standing up. "Let's go home, Luke."
"I want to stay and finish the holo-show," Luke said, trying not to sound whiney.
"Then you'd better stay the entire night," Mara responded, stalking away and leaving the room.
"Great," Luke muttered, glaring at his brother-in-law. "Now I have to sleep on the sofa, too."
"It's not my fault!" Han said.
~~~~~~ Holo-Show ~~~~~~
'Lando Calrissian' snuggled up against 'Bria', kissing her passionately. "We really should tell Han the truth about us, darling," the suave man whispered. "It's not fair to us if you keep letting Han believe you're still in love with him."
"I just don't want to hurt him," 'Bria' said with a sigh. "He's so emotionally fragile and needy. I'm afraid if I make the break official, he'll do something rash."
"Like what?" 'Lando' asked in a teasing tone. "Join the Rebellion?"
'Bria' looked stunned. "Don't joke around about that, Lando. The walls have ears."
"Loose lips sink ships."
"You can't be serious!" 'Bria' said, stomping her foot. "Don't you know anything?"
"I know how to play sabacc better than anyone alive. As a matter of fact, I'm heading to a big tournament tomorrow, and I know Han is going to be there, as well. You need to tell him about us right before the big game."
"That wouldn't be fair," 'Bria' protested. "It would upset him so much, he wouldn't be able to concentrate on the cards!"
~~~~~ Back in the living room ~~~~~
"Wait a second," Lando yelled at the holo-screen. "This is making me look bad! They weren't supposed to make me look bad!"
"They describe me as fragile and needy, and you're complaining?" Han complained. "What type of bantha dung did you feed these producers?"
"I never told them Bria upset you before the big sabacc tournament," Lando argued. "I just told them you cheated so you could win."
Han couldn't take anymore, and threw himself at Lando, wrestling him to the ground and punching him. "I didn't cheat!"
"OW" Lando yelled, "Watch the face!"
"This is the best holo-drama I've ever seen," Wes told Wedge gleefully. "It should win the Golden-Grande Coruscanti Holo Award."
~~~~~~ Holo Show ~~~~~~
"You betrayed me, Bria, but you can't leave me. I love you. Don't go away," a very whiney-sounding 'Han' (now portrayed by the famous Hairpinnion Dodge) cried out, dropping to his knees in front of his ex-girlfriend and about a hundred smugglers.
"The path to true love is rocky," 'Bria' said sadly.
"You tell my friends this wasn't my idea... you and your Rebellion fixed us up!"
'Bria' smiled and patted 'Han' on top of his head. "There, there. Birds of a feather flock together."
"I have to go now, but I will always love you," she said, looking over 'Han's' head directly at 'Lando'. Then she burst into a song...
"Keep smiling, keep trying....
Never stop looking to our star....
Even if we find ourselves lying,
Torn apart by the winds of war...
My heart beats only for you,
I will always be forever true....."
"You sing like an angel," 'Lando' said dreamily.
"Just remember, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear," 'Bria' said. And with that, 'Bria' and the other Rebels turned and left the angry smugglers behind.
"What the kreth is a sow?" 'Han' asked, sounding confused. He staggered to his feet, then threw up his hands as the gang of criminals stalked toward him, scowling. "She betrayed us. I didn't know what she had planned. Honest!"
"Sure, Solo," one of the smugglers snarled. "We're gonna take this outta your hide."
"But it's not my fault," 'Han' yelled, turning and running away with all the smugglers chasing him.
~~~~~~~ Meanwhile, back in the living room ~~~~~~~~
"Was Bria on spice?" Jaina asked her father.
"Well, I guess that explains all those weird things she keeps saying."
"Bria never said those things," Han said. "I think the writers are on spice."
"At least they got that last line right," Wedge said, nodding in approval.
"It didn't happen that way," Han argued, aware that no one believed him. He looked at Chewie. "Back me up here, pal. Tell them I didn't beg Bria not to leave!"
*I don't remember,* Chewie woofed out. *It was so very, very long ago.*
"We're finally getting to the good part," Luke said excitedly, pointing at the holo-viewer.
"What part is that?" Wedge asked.
"The part where I come in!"
~~~~~~~ Back to the Holo-Drama ~~~~~~
'Han' leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. "Seventy thousand. Not a credit less!"
"SEVENTY?" 'Luke' yelled, causing all the bar patrons to turn around and stare at the four. "I could buy my own Star Destroyer for that!" The boy jumped up, and ran over to the bar and leapt onto the counter.
"His name is Solo ..
He is a pilot
With a blaster at his side
The biggest braggart far and wide
He flys with Chewbacca,
He is a Wookiee
That is a very scary beast
With big claws and smelly feet....
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters'
At the Eisley, Mos Eisley Cantina....
The weirdest people you've ever seen are
At the Eisley, Mos Eisley Cantina....
Con artist smugglers and big hairy Wookiees,
At the Eisley, Mos Eisley Cantina...." *
(* Song uses the tune Copacabana and the words are borrowed extensively from Mark Davis's "Star Wars Cantina")
"Calm down, Luke," 'Obi-Wan' said soothingly after 'Luke' was finished and the patrons all applauded. "We can't fly a Star Destroyer with two people." The Jedi looked calmly at 'Han'. "Ten now, and forty when we get to Alderaan."
The smuggler appeared confused. "Does that add up to seventy?"
"Yes," 'Luke' quickly said. "It does."
"Well," 'Han' drawled. "Okay, then. Docking bay ninety-four in one time-part. Don't be late, or I'll leave without you."
The boy and old man got up and left, and 'Chewie' turned his blue eyes at his friend. *If we leave without them, we won't get paid.*
"You're a real know-it-all, you know that?"
~~~~~~ Living room ~~~~~~~~
Han glowered at the holo-screen. "I'm suing these producers for making me look like an idiot."
"That can't be too hard," Leia said, having remained quiet during much of the program.
"Whose side you on?"
Leia stood up and walked over to Han, patting him on his head. "There, there. Don't hurt yourself thinking too hard, dear."
Luke, meanwhile, was looking appalled. "They had me jumping around on the bar and singing? Even Obi-Wan wouldn't have been able to protect me if I'd done something as idiotic as that. I'm glad Mara left before she saw it." The Jedi sighed and looked at Han. "At least they put in the part where you were overcharging us for a simple little charter."
"I didn't ask for seventy thousand credits, and that charter was anything but simple!" Han shouted.
"They got the docking bay number correct," Luke pointed out.
*And they got my character down pat,* Chewie barked happily.
"Dad?" Jacen asked. "Do you really not know how to add ten and forty?"
Han decided one bottle of Whyren's reserve wasn't going to be adequate.
~~~~~~ Back to our Program ~~~~~~
"There isn't enough firepower in the galaxy to destroy an entire planet!" 'Han' yelled at no one in particular.
*Well, it's gone anyway,* 'Chewie' barked back as he observed the rubble that once was Alderaan.
"There went our only hope for payment," 'Han' moaned.
"Is that all you ever think about?" 'Luke' shouted. "MONEY?"
"Sorta. And women. Money and women. And booze. Money, women and booze."
*Maybe they have survivors on that moon,* 'Chewie' suggested.
"Moon? Alderaan didn't have any moons," 'Han' informed his co-pilot as he squinted out the window. "Look at all those even little craters. I've never seen a moon like that before."
"Look!" 'Luke' cried out in horror. "A TIE fighter! And it's heading right for that pretty moon!"
"I think, perhaps, we should take our leave, post haste," 'Obi-Wan' told the group.
"Can't you just say 'in a hurry', like a normal person?"
"Jedi are not normal people," 'Obi-Wan' replied with a sniff and then broke into a rap number,
"Us Jedi are very special
We are so totally cool
We use shiny lightsabers
And ain't nobody's fool
The Jedi, as a rule, are very kind
Generally speaking, we are sugary sweet
But lately, us Jedi are sorta hard to find..."
The Millennium Falcon shuddered as the Death Star's tractor beam locked on, pulling the small ship toward the metal orb.
"It's not my fault!" 'Han' yelled as he was forced to shut down the controls.
~~~~~~ Living Room ~~~~~
"This is the part where you come in the story, Mom," Anakin said.
"Lucky me," Leia answered dryly.
"Everytime Han says 'it's not my fault', everyone should take a big shot of whiskey," Wes suggested.
"That's a great idea," Jacen said.
"That doesn't include children," Leia stated with a motherly frown. "Maybe it's time you went to bed."
"NOOO!" Jacen, Jaina and Anakin all screamed at once.
"What happened to Winter and Tycho?" Wedge suddenly asked, looking around the room.
*They snuck out when no one was looking,* Chewie said. *Can you blame them?*
~~~~~~~ The Holo-Drama ~~~~~~~
"She's in detention block 1138," 'Han' shouted. "You go get her, and I'll stay here and hold off hundreds of stormtroopers all by myself!"
"Okay!" ' Luke' yelled back as he took off down the corridor. He finally found the correct cell, and hit the 'open' button, pausing only to wonder aloud to the holo-viewers why it wasn't locked.
A pretty, neatly dressed young woman sat up, her glossy lips shining like dew-covered ripe berries. "Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?"
"Uh...." 'Luke' said, finally removing his helmet, then sang,
"I'm Luke Skywalker, and I'm here to rescue you,
Me and that low-class pirate risked our necks,
All because your Artoo unit asked us to
We came all this way in a ship that's really a wreck
So, come with me and let me set you free
Let's get those rebels the plans for this battle station
A rebel is something I always wanted to be,
I just can't wait to get shot at and eat cold rations...."
Just then 'Han' ran up with 'Chewie', panting. "Can't get out that way. Too many stormtroopers."
The Princess grabbed 'Luke's' blaster and shot out the wall of the corridor. "Not only did you cut off our only escape route, you also didn't let Luke finish his number. I guess it's up to me to do everything around here."
~~~ In the Solo Living Room ~~~
"Why am I the one singing all the dumb songs in this holo-drama?" Luke complained to the group.
"At least they got your bossiness right," Han remarked to his wife.
"I wonder if they're going to get the part right where you sleep on the sofa tonight," Leia said, not looking at Han.
Wes snorted in laughter. "I'll be sure to let them know, so when they make a sequel, it'll be accurate."
"You do know you're a dead man, Janson," Han commented calmly.
Wes decided to shut up.
~~~~~~ The Holo-Drama continues ~~~~~
"Now that we've survived your rotten idea of jumping into a garbage masher, I'll take over from here and actually get us out of this battle station," 'Han' declared, pulling a long piece of seaweed out of his hair.
"My rotten idea?" 'Leia' screeched out loudly. "This is some rescue! I had to do something or we would have died. You don't march into a dentention cell without plans to get back out!"
"He's the brains, sweetheart," 'Han' said, pointing to 'Luke'.
"I think that garbage monster thing liked me," 'Luke' said dreamily, staring back at the open door to the masher unit. "I've never had a pet before. Can we take her with us?"
'Han' responded by shooting his blaster into the masher, and 'Luke' let out a howl of protest. "NO! Don't kill her!"
'Leia' groaned. "Between your blasting and Luke's howling, it's amazing the entire base doesn't know where we are."
Suddenly, two stormtroopers came around the corner and yelled in surprise at seeing the escapees. Dropping their weapons in fear, they turned and ran. 'Han' looked at 'Chewie'. "Come on, pal.... let's go get them before they give the alarm!" With that, the Wookiee and 'Han' took off, screaming war hoots at the top of their lungs.
'Leia' stared down the now empty corridor. "He's so incredibly handsome and brave. I wonder if I can tame him."
"Solo or the Wookiee?"
"Chewbacca is a little too hairy and tall for my taste," 'Leia' said with a coy smile.
~~~~~~ Living Room ~~~~~~~
"I never said I wanted to tame you," Leia protested to Han, her face flushing with embarrassment.
"Sure," Han replied. "I knew all along you wanted me from the very first second you saw me. Now I have my proof, too."
"Proof?" Leia asked, incredulously. "Now, all of a sudden, you're telling me this is true?"
"It seems to be getting more accurate as it progresses," Han said smugly, ducking when Leia threw a pillow at his head.
~~~~~~~ Holo-Drama ~~~~~~~~
The camera followed 'Han' and 'Chewie' as they rounded a corner... and skidded to a halt in front of an entire squadron of stormtroopers.
"Uh oh," 'Han' said worriedly. "I think we're in trouble."
*Why would you think that?* 'Chewie' woofed sarcastically.
"Stormtroopers!" 'Han' suddenly broke into song as he turned around....
"Dressed all in white,
with those outfits so tight....
Stormtroopers, I just love those stormtroopers,
That armor must be hot,
which sure explains a lot....
Stormtroopers, don't you just love stormtroopers?
They walk like a fish,
You know those codpieces gotta pinch...
At those poor stormtroopers!"
The stormtroopers in the background joined in everytime 'Han' sang the word 'stormtrooper' and lined up and kicked up their legs in chorus line style. After the song, the stormtroopers finally started shooting at 'Han' and 'Chewie', their shots hitting the ceiling and the floor as the smugglers ran away.
Then the camera moved to 'Luke' and 'Leia', who were standing on a tiny ledge, overlooking a yawning abyss. "I just shot the controls to extend the ledge," the young man muttered unhappily.
"Not a problem," 'Leia' stated. "Give me that cord on your belt."
'Luke' handed her the cord, and the Princess swung the rope over a pipe. "Now, hang on while I swing us across."
Nodding, 'Luke' clutched the determined Princess and gave her a sloppy kiss. "That's for luck," he explained as she glared at him.
Fortunately, they made it across the deep canyon anyway.
~~~~~~ Back in the Living Room ~~~~~~
"But..." Luke said, standing up in shock. "That's just the opposite of what happened!"
"You mean you actually fell down into the hole?" Wes asked, laughing so hard he was holding his side.
*Why don't they give me a song and dance number?* Chewie complained. *All I get to do is stand around and watch everyone else singing.*
Han nodded grimly. "I wish they'd had you singing about being in love with stormtroopers, and commenting about tight codpieces."
~~~~~~~ Back to our Holo-Show ~~~~~~~~
"BEN!" 'Luke' yelled as he watched 'Obi-Wan' bite the dust. "NOOO!"
"Run, Luke, run!" a ghostly voice said from the void.
'Luke' ran aboard the Falcon, then collapsed face-down at the game table, sobbing. "I loved Ben like my own father. Or maybe my uncle, since I never knew my father."
"How could you love him like a father?" 'Han' questioned, annoyed. "You hardly knew the crazy old man."
"Don't call Ben crazy! You're the crazy one!"
"Fine. Stay here and mope. I've got a ship to fly, and someone's gotta be the hero and save our skins," 'Han' said as he left the hold.
"He's mean," 'Luke' said, sniffing as 'Leia' handed him a tissue.
"I think he's cute," 'Leia' mused aloud. "In a scruffy, unrefined way. Like a blob of wet clay, just waiting for the right woman to mold him into the correct shape."
"But I want you to mold me," "Luke' told the Princess, batting his eyes at her.
"Don't worry, Luke," 'Leia' said soothingly. "I'm sure you're moldy enough for someone."
~~~~~~~ Solo Living Room ~~~~~
"Get up off the floor, Janson," Luke grumbled, watching his friend scream hysterically.
"Poor Luke," Wedge said sadly. "I never knew you were so desperately in love. With your own sister."
"I never said anything remotely like that," Luke argued.
"And I never said Han was wet clay," Leia agreed. "Although calling him a blob would have been a good insult."
"Dad?" Jaina asked. "What are you thinking?"
Han was staring at the holo screen. "I'm thinking I need to leave Coruscant and change my identity. I'm never gonna live this down."
~~~~~~ After a Word from the Sponsors ~~~~~
'Leia' was standing in front of a large group of orange-clad rebels, looking regal in her white dress. "We must fire a direct shot into this little funnel, all the while flying an X-Wing at ninety-eight miles an hour, or we are all doomed."
"Doomed!" 'Threepio' moaned loudly in agreement as he stood next to the Princess, and then all the rebel pilots yelled out, "Doomed!" in perfect unison.
"But that's impossible!" "Wedge' called out.
"It's not impossible," 'Luke' argued back. "I used to shoot womp-rats from my speeder bike back on Tatooine. Sometimes it was all my Aunt Beru had to cook us for supper, thanks to my destitute Uncle Owen. How much money did he think he could make on a moisture farm, anyway?"
"Did they taste good?" another pilot asked.
"Actually, they taste like chicken," 'Luke' informed him.
"Can we get back to the subject?" 'Leia' snapped.
The pilots all squirmed in their seats, nodding.
"Fine." Then 'Leia' sang to the men,
"And now.... as the Death Star draws near...
and so we all face.... the final curtain,
Men, I'll make it clear....
I'll state my case... of which I'm certain...
Just one little shot... must strike the mark...
And if you fail... we all will fry up and die...
But I'll try not to sound too stark....
For all I can ask of you is to try....
And do it the hard way...." *
(* Song loosely borrowed from MY WAY by Paul Anka)
When the Princess was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the room, except for 'Han', who was busy trying to console his sobbing Wookiee partner.
~~~~~ Back to the Living Room ~~~~~~
"Hey!" Wedge said happily. "They didn't make me look like an idiot. But they could have given me a few more lines."
"Be careful what you wish for," Leia warned him.
"Uncle Luke?" Anakin asked. "What's chicken, and why do womp rats taste like it?"
Luke was slouched down in his seat, trying to disappear into the cushions. "I have no idea."
"I know what a chicken is," Jacen spoke up. "I once had one, and I named it 'Vergere', but it got hit by a hovercraft when it tried crossing the road."
"You're a liar!" Jaina argued. "Stop making things up."
"I'm not making things up!"
"Kids, don't fight," Han said tiredly. "Leave that to the grownups."
~~~~~ To the Holo-Drama ~~~~~~~~
'Wedge' tore his X-Wing into the corridor, and the ship slowly got closer and closer to the exhaust port. "It's too small! I can't make the shot!"
"Aw, Wedge," 'Luke' said calmly. "Just remember....
Just what makes my little old aunt....
Think she can milk a flubber tree plant....
Everyone knows my aunt can't...
Milk a flubber tree plant....
But she's got High Hopes... she's got High Hopes..."
(* Song loosely based on High Hopes by Sammy Cahn)
"What's a flubber tree plant?"
"That's where blue milk comes from."
"Oh. I always wondered about that."
'Leia's' voice interrupted the discussion. "Can we just get on with it?"
"Dang it! I wasn't paying attention and I missed!" 'Wedge' cried out. "And that was my last torpedo!"
"I'll go in next," 'Luke' said bravely.
"Luke!" 'Wedge' yelled over the comlink. "I've been hit, but I'll still cover you... even though my oxygen is almost gone!"
"Thanks, Wedge. You're the best," 'Luke' said back. "I'll hit the mark this time, I promise."
"You'd better," the other pilot said. "This is our tenth try, and we're the only X-Wings left alive."
'Luke's' X-Wing dove into the tunnel, and the camera focused on his intense face. "Batten down the hatches, Artoo!"
"I mean, tighten that loose fitting," 'Luke' clarified.
"Hey, Luke!" 'Wedge' shouted. "Smoke is filling my cockpit, but I won't leave you here alone.... even though a dozen TIE fighters are breathing down my neck."
"I appreciate that, Wedge," 'Luke' said. "You know I couldn't do this without you!"
"You got that right!" A second later, 'Wedge' yelled out. "OWW! My tail's on fire!"
"You have a tail?" 'Luke' asked, sounding shocked.
"I mean... the back end of my ship!"
"Well, pull out. You've done everything so far, and it's time I did my part. Head back to base, Wedge!"
"Sorry." With that, 'Wedge's' ship flew away.
'Obi-Wan's' ghostly voice could be heard.... "Use the Force... Luke!"
"Ben? Is that you? Where are you? Why can't I see you? I thought you were dead."
"Shut up and use the Force."
'Luke' concentrated... and turned off his computer.
"Luke!" 'Leia's' voice yelled out. "Turn back on your targeting computer!"
"No.... Ben told me not to."
'Luke' could hear 'Leia' talking to 'Dodonna' in the background, "I believe he's experiencing post-tramatic stress disorder."
"I am not!" Frowning, he looked back at the three TIE fighters following closely. Then a shot came from overhead, and a loud, familiar war-hoot could be heard as the last TIE spun away.
"Fooled you, huh, kid? Thought I really took off and left you alone, huh? Chewie just loves practical jokes, don't you, Chewie?" 'Han' said over the comm panel.
The Death Star soon exploded.
~~~~~~ In the Living Room ~~~~~~~
"I told them I'm the one that blew up the Death Star!" Wedge groused. "I never get any respect, even in this stupid holo-drama."
"You don't get respect?" Wes muttered. "I wasn't even mentioned!"
"Is that the way it really happened?" Anakin questioned.
"That's exactly the way it happened," Han lied.
"I wish you'd say 'it's not my fault' again," Luke moaned. "I need a drink."
~~~~~~ The Holo-Drama continues ~~~~~~
'Han' winked at 'Leia' as she placed the medal around his neck, and then turned around to face the assembled rebels, who all broke into song....
"They're our heroes!
Without them we would all be zeroes
So give a cheer to our heroes!
These are the few and the brave!
Send up and hoot and a rave
For we all love men that are brave!
Let's give a nod to our heroes!
And remember it's time to drink beer-os
For what's a party without heroes?"
The camera panned over to a scowling 'Wedge Antilles', then moved down to his fingers holding a vibro-blade.
~~~~~~ Solo Home ~~~~~
"What is that?" Wedge yelled at the holo-viewer, then glared at Han. "They can't turn me into a revenge minded psychopath!"
"It's not my fault," Han muttered, watching as everyone sighed and took a big swig of ale.
"And you have to admit, it adds a certain unexpected flair," Wes deadpanned.
~~~~~~~ As the Holo-Show continues on ~~~~~~
"So you're leaving," 'Leia' said flatly.
"Yup," 'Han' agreed. "I gotta pay off Jabba or I'm a dead man walking."
"But... you promised me you'd stay!"
"I'll stay if you give me a good reason," 'Han' prodded.
'Leia' looked annoyed. "What sort of reason?"
"You really don't know, do you?"
"I know that I don't care if you leave," 'Leia' said frostily.
"Good. I'm going. But you could use a good kiss," 'Han' snapped back.
"I'd rather kiss a Wampa!"
'Han' stormed off, and 'Leia' gave a loud sigh, and sang,
"You'll never know how close you came,
to breaking through and staking a claim,
Now you're leaving me all alone,
and Hoth is chilling me to the bone,
You could have warmed me through my nights,
I even could say I loved our fights,
Why, oh why did you go without a kiss
Now I'll never know what I missed....."
The camera moved to the cold, snowy plains of Hoth, and 'Han' jumped off his beast. The poor creature shuddered and fell over - dead. 'Han' picked up 'Luke's' lightsaber, then turned it on. "I guess I'll use this to cut up the Taun taun, and stuff you inside."
"You'd better not do that," a ghostly voice said from behind the smuggler.
'Han' turned around, and came face-to-face with 'Obi-Wan Kenobi'. "I thought you were dead."
"I am... from a certain point of view."
"Why can't I stick the kid inside the Taun taun?"
"Luke is not a turkey gizzard," 'Obi-Wan' informed 'Han'. "You must tell Luke to go to Dagobah and find Yoda."
"Yoda. On Dagobah."
"Are you speaking Basic?"
'Obi-Wan's' lightsaber hummed to life. "You WILL pass along this message! Or else!"
"Or else... what?"
"Arrghhh!" 'Obi-Wan' cried out, then moved forward, slashing at 'Han', who used 'Luke's' lightsaber to fight off the enraged - or deranged - ghost. After a long duel, the apparition fell off the edge of an ice ledge, screaming as he descended..... "DAGOBAH! YODA! HE'S A LITTLE GREEEeeennnnn guyyyyyyyyy!"
~~~~~ In the Real World ~~~~
"Wow," Lando said, impressed. "I never knew you fought off Obi-Wan on Hoth. With Luke's lightsaber."
"Me, either," Luke grumbled.
"Yep," Han said, leaning back and putting his hands behind his head. "That's just what happened. Exactly like that."
~~~~~~ Holo-Drama ~~~~~~
"Why isn't Luke responding to the bacta?" 'Leia' asked the medic droid, her face a picture of concern.
"We have completed our tests on the bacta, and it is just as we suspected," the One-Bee droid said grimly. "The bacta has been replaced with some green, sugary substance. We found hundreds of these cartons in the disposal unit." He extended his hand, giving the Princess a small box marked 'Lyme Gell-Oh'.
"Who would have done such a terrible thing?" 'Leia' asked, studying the box.
"Base security has found the green powder all over one pilot's quarters. A man named Wedge Antilles."
"Wedge?" 'Leia' shouted in shock. "Why would he do such a terrible thing? Luke could have died!"
'Wedge' jumped into the room, pointing his blaster at 'Leia'. "You should have given me a medal! I deserved a medal, too!"
Suddenly, a crash sounded and 'Han' jumped on 'Wedge's' back, wrestling him to the ground.
"Han!" 'Leia' yelled. "You saved my life!"
'Han' stood up, grinning. "Now, do I get my kiss?"
"Grrrr...I'll show you!" 'Leia' said, furious. She spun around and gave 'Luke' (who was still covered in green Gell-Oh) a big kiss. "That tastes good," she said, licking her lips. Then she stormed away.
'Luke' grinned widely. "From now on, I'm taking a bath in lyme Gell-Oh all the time."
~~~~~~ Solos' Living Room ~~~~~~~
"That's it," Wedge muttered, standing up and heading toward the door. "This is complete slander. I'm suing."
"I want some of that lyme Gell-Oh," Wes informed the group. "It sounds like it attracts women."
"I need some, too," Lando agreed as Wedge left the room.
~~~~~~ back to the program ~~~~~~~
"This is a nice, romantic spot," 'Han' said, breathing down 'Leia's' neck. "Don't you think?"
"It's a cave," 'Leia' said. "And we still have TIE fighters out in the asteroids looking for us."
"Come on," 'Han' cajoled. "Loosen up....."
"I don't know...." 'Leia started to say, when 'Han' turned up his collar, grabbed a gytayr and broke into a song,
"I need a little less conversation.... a little more action .....
All this bickering ain't giving me too much satisfaction, babe...
Let's do a little less fighting, a little more necking....
A little less barking, a little more sparking....
A little less clashing.... a little more flashing....
A little less cussing, a little more fussing - " *
(* Song loosely based on "A Little Less Conversation" by Billy Strang and Mac Davis)
"Is there a point to this?" 'Leia' asked, interrupting 'Han' as he was gyrating across the ship's corridor.
"Do you want to make out with me, or not?" 'Han' demanded.
"I thought you'd never ask!" 'Leia' declared, jumping into 'Han's' arms."
~~~~~~ Living room ~~~~~~~~
"EWWWWW!" Anakin screamed, covering up his eyes.
"I couldn't agree more," Luke said, nodding.
"But that's exactly what happened!" Han told everyone, not meeting Leia's eyes.
"They left out the part where I wiped out all the AT-AT's" Wes protested, his eyes wide.
"But... I'M THE ONE THAT DID THAT!" Luke yelled back.
~~~~~~ The Holo-Drama unfolds ~~~~~~
"There," 'Han' pointed at the display. "Lando owns Bespin, and I'm pretty sure he won't kill me when he sees me."
"Why would he be any different than anyone else?" 'Leia' asked innocently.
The scene cuts to the Bespin dining room, with 'Vader' standing at the head of the table. "Nice of you to join me for dinner, Princess."
"Lando!" 'Han' said, looking bitterly at his friend. "You betrayed us!"
"You shouldn't have stolen the Millennium Falcon away from me," 'Lando' pouted.
"Great," "Leia' grumbled. "I knew we shouldn't have trusted anyone you call a friend."
"But.... it's not my fault!" 'Han' yelled, pulling out his blaster and firing uselessly at the Sith Lord.
~~~~~~~~ In the Solo Living Room ~~~~~~
All the adults drink a glass of whiskey.
~~~~~~ Holo-Drama ~~~~~~~
Scene cuts to 'Han' being tortured on the scan grid. "AHHHHH!"
"You're not planning on doing that to me, are you?" 'Lando' questioned nervously. "We can work out a deal, Lord Vader. Half the profits of Cloud City for the rest of your life. How does that sound?"
"No," 'Vader' responded curtly.
"A foot massage?"
'Vader' spun around toward the gambler. "Prepare the carbon freezing chamber!"
You must prepare the carbon freezing chamber,
That will make this scan grid look much tamer,"
"Tamer!" yelled the stormtroopers in tandem.
"Prepare that awful, evil, cold freezer," 'Vader' continued to sing.
"It's all the fault of that old Jedi geezer,"
"Geezer!" the stormtroopers shouted.
"Obi-Wan should have known better than to hide my son,
Everyone connected with the Rebellion will be sorry when I'm done,"
"DONE!" screamed the stormtroopers.
'Vader' grabbed one of the stormtroopers around the neck, choking him to death. "That's for singing out of tune," he growled, dropping the dead trooper.
"What do you want the carbon freezing chamber for?" 'Lando' asked, eyes wide. "Those things are not toys!"
"I intend to test it on Solo," 'Vader' hissed out.
"Oh. Well, as long as it's not me, then that's okay," 'Lando' declared with relief.
~~~~~~ Living Room ~~~~~
"Ha!" Han yelled at Lando. "I suspected all along that's how it happened!"
Lando jumped up, looking stunned. "A foot massage? I never told Vader I'd give him a foot massage! That's not the way I told the holo-producers it happened."
"I guess they must not have bought your story that you were the big hero on Bespin," Han said, smirking.
"But I was a hero on Bespin," Lando argued. "I could've died freeing Leia and Chewie!" The gambler glared at the holo-screen. "Wedge is right. This is slander."
"How come they're not showing me anymore?" Luke asked disappointedly.
~~~~~~ Holo-Drama ~~~~~~~
'Han' was being dragged into the carbon freezing chamber, crying, "Noooo!" Seeing 'Lando', he stopped yelling. "What's going on... buddy?"
"Vader is putting you in the carbon freezing chamber," 'Lando' informed him.
"What?" 'Leia' spluttered. "That's not fair! Vader is never fair!"
'Han' and 'Leia' kissed passionately.... and kissed.... and kissed..... until 'Vader' yelled at the stormtroopers, "Put him in before I lose my lunch!"
The Corellian was pushed onto the lowering platform, and gazed longingly at the Princess. "I love you!" 'Han' called over to her.
"I know," she sobbed back as 'Chewbacca' roared in grief.
And with those words, the platform dropped, and 'Han' was frozen.
~~~~~~~ Solo Living Room ~~~~~
"Can't they get anything right in this holo-show?" Leia groused.
"They're still not showing everyone how hard I worked out on Dagobah to become a Jedi," muttered Luke. "It's like I totally don't matter anymore."
"Maybe you never went to Dagobah," Han mused. "After all, we only have your word on it, and it looks to me like I never passed on Obi-Wan's message."
"I'm confused," Jaina complained. "If you didn't go to Dagobah, where did you go, Uncle Luke?"
"I went to Dagobah!" Luke yelled back, annoyed. "I trained to be a Jedi with Yoda!"
"Sure you did," Jacen said softly, much to Luke's chagrin.
~~~~~~~~ The Holo-Drama marches relentlessly on ~~~~~~~
The carbonite melted slowly off the anguished expression of 'Han', and soon he dropped to the dusty surface, free at last from the cold tomb. Moaning, he raised up his head. "What smells so bad?"
"You're in Jabba's palace," a mechanical voice grated out.
"Why is it so dark in here? Didn't Jabba pay his power bill?"
"It's not dark. You have carbon sickness, and you're blind - "
"WHAT?" 'Han' yelled out, pushing the bounty hunter away. "BLIND? NOOOO! That's not possible! I can't fly my ship if I can't see!"
"Shut up," the hunter grumbled. "It's just temporary, you nerfherder."
"Leia? Is that you?" 'Han' asked.
'Leia' took off her helmet. "How did you know?"
"I'd know that lovely bedside manner anywhere," 'Han' said, giving her a cocky grin. Then loud, booming laughter filled the chamber. "I also know that laugh. It's.... it's.... it's JABBA THE HUTT!"
*Yes,* Jabba said with a nasty snarl. *It's ME!......
Jabba the Hutt
A pain in the butt
Jabba the Hutt
Some say I'm a nut...
It's the last thing they said...
Because now they're dead....
I'm Jabba the Hutt
With a big giant gut....
Dump my spice...
You won't do that twice...*.
"Hey", 'Han' yelled out. "I'm sorry I did that, but it wasn't my fault!"
~~~~~ Living Room ~~~~
Everyone cheered and took a big swig.
~~~~~ Back to the Holo Show ~~~~~
*Throw Solo in the dungeon, and put the Princess in a little bikini!* 'Jabba' roared.
"A bikini? That's not fair!" 'Han' yelled. "I won't be able to see her in it!"
*Serves you right,* 'Jabba' blubbered out.
Scene cuts to 'Leia', now dressed in a gold metal bikini with a collar around her neck. "You'll pay dearly for this, Jabba," 'Leia' warned the Hutt. "Brown is so not my color!"
All of the criminals in the room broke into a loud, raucous song,
"She was afraid to come out of the dungeon...
She was ashamed as she could be ...
She was afraid to come out of the dungeon....
She was afraid of what Jabba would see!
One! Two! Three! Four!
Tell the Imperials what she wore!
She.... wore... an... itsy bitsy teeny weeny tacky gold and metal bikini....
That she wore for the first time today!
She wore that itsy bitsy teeny weeny tacky gold and metal bikini
So in the dungeon she wanted to stay!" *
(* Song based on Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland)
~~~~~~ In the Solo Living Room ~~~~~~~
"Don't think you can sneak out of the room, Solo," Leia warned her husband as he tried doing just that.
Han winced and sat back down. "It's not - "
"Don't you DARE say 'it's not my fault'", Leia snapped.
"Oh, come on," Wes griped. "We need another drink."
"How come they're not showing me defeating the rancor?" Luke asked, getting more and more annoyed. "That rescue operation was all my idea!"
"See?" Han said. "It was Luke's fault, not mine!"
~~~~~ The Holo-Drama plays dubiously on ~~~~~
"This is so disgusting," 'Leia' complained to the slimy Hutt. "Don't you ever take a bath?"
The Hutt looked at a trembling 'Threepio'. *Tell the Princess to dance for me!*
"Dance?" 'Threepio' questioned. "I am not certain she will wish to do that."
"Okay, okay. His Majesty, the Royal Edematous, requests Princess Leia dance," 'Threepio' interpreted.
"I will not do that!" 'Leia' yelled back.
*Then throw her in the rancor pit!* 'Jabba' ordered.
"Oh, NO!" 'Threepio' said, throwing up his hands. "She's doomed!"
"DOOMED!" all the vermin yelled out together.
The gate under 'Leia's' feet opened, and she fell into the pit, screaming all the way down. A dark-skinned man, disguised as one of 'Jabba's' henchmen, ran forward and looked down the hole. "Oh, no!" 'Lando' turned to face the camera. "It looks like rescuing the beautiful and scantily clad Princess is going to be up to me!" And then he jumped down into the rancor pit after the Princess.
"Get behind me, Princess," 'Lando' yelled. "I'll rescue you!" He fired his blaster at the drooling rancor, and with a stunned expression, realized his blaster wasn't powerful enough to kill the beast.
Suddenly, overhead, a prim and proper voice called out. "Master Calrissian!" 'Threepio' shouted down. "Here... I surreptitiously removed a more potent weapon from one of these scurvy knaves. Perhaps this will aid your poorly executed rescue attempt."
The droid tossed down the blaster, and 'Lando' caught it before it hit the ground, spinning around and killing the rancor.
~~~~~~~ In the Living Room ~~~~
"Finally!" Lando said with a satisfied sigh. "It's about time I looked like a hero."
"I do not recall that precise event," Threepio mused. "But considering how quickly things were moving along, it does not surprise me I played such an important role in the rescue of the Princess."
Luke jumped to his feet, his face flushed. "This is so unfair! I was thrown down in that pit! I killed that stupid rancor! I'm being completely left out of this story, and everyone would be dead if it weren't for me!"
"Calm down, Luke," Wes said. "At least you got mentioned."
"I can't watch anymore of this garbage," Luke muttered. "I'm going home."
"Don't leave, Uncle Luke," Anakin begged. "How will we know if this is true if you're not here to tell us?"
"You mean you don't trust your own father's word?" Han asked. "I'm shocked!"
"You have been known to stretch the truth, Dad," Jacen said.
Han looked affronted, and pointed at Lando. "But.... this is all Lando's fault... it's not MY fault!"
"About time," Wes muttered, taking another drink as Luke plopped back down on the sofa.
~~~~~ Back to the program ~~~~~
*He killed my pet rancor!* 'Jabba' roared, as a frightened golden droid relayed the Hutt's order. *Throw them all in the sarlacc pit!*
"That doesn't mean me, does it?" 'Threepio' asked in concern.
"You will not throw them in the sarlacc pit," a calm voice said from across the room.
*Who the heck are you?*
"Master Luke!" 'Threepio' said, upon turning his head and seeing 'Luke Skywalker' standing there dressed in a dust-covered brown robe. "Thank the Maker! You missed my big part in assisting in the rescue of Princess Leia."
"You will set Captain Solo and his friends free, or else!" 'Luke' said firmly.
*Or else, what?* the Hutt asked, sounding annoyed.
"I'll be really, really mad, and you don't want to make a Jedi mad," 'Luke' warned.
*You? A Jedi? HAHAHHAHAHAHA!* the Hutt roared out. *If you're a Jedi, so is my grandmother!*
"I've never heard of a Hutt Jedi," 'Luke' argued. "What was her name?"
"Isn't a Big Bertha a golf club?"
*Hutts can't play golf - the blubber gets in the way of our backswing!* roared 'Jabba'. "Not to mention that Tatooine is nothing but a giant sand trap. Guards! Bring Solo and the Wookiee and the Princess and the gambler! We are overrun with infidels, and I am getting queasy!*
Soon, 'Han', 'Chewie', 'Lando' and 'Leia' were all brought before 'Jabba', who declared, *Tie the Princess back to my belly, and put the others on the mini barge. Then head to the sarlacc pit immediately.*
"Good," 'Han' said cheerfully. "I hate long waits."
"Shut up, Han," 'Luke' muttered. "You'll just make things worse."
"Worse? How can they get any worse? We're about to be tossed into a giant mouth, and we're surrounded by dozens of armed guards with no hope for escape."
"Trust me, and stay close to Lando and Chewie. I'll handle everything."
"I'm out of it for a few weeks, and the kid gets delusions of grandeur," 'Han' grumbled as they were pushed out of the room and onto the mini barge.
~~~~~~ Living Room ~~~~~
"See?" Wes pointed out. "You're back in the story."
"It's about time," Luke said. "At least I'll be the hero in the next part."
~~~~~ The Holo-Drama ~~~~~~
As 'Leia' watched in despair, the skiff barge was floated over a big mouth, and the three men and a Wookiee were lined up to walk the plank.
The scene switched to on top of the skiff barge, and 'Lando' was leaning over, retching. "I've never smelled breath so vile," he complained.
"You think its breath is bad?" 'Luke' asked, raising his eyebrows. "Just wait until after it eats."
"What happens then?"
"It lets loose with a giant - "
"No talking!" one of the guards yelled. "The sarlacc is hungry."
*Would you like to beg for mercy?* 'Jabba' called out over the desert. *The Great Jabba will now listen to your pleas.*
'Han' stepped forward, scowling at the Hutt. "You'll never hear us beg, but I will say,
Please Jabba, please....
Don't throw me in that sarlacc pit....
Please.... Jabba, please....
I know I might have made you mad, but just a little bit...
I guess I'd better get myself together,
Because when I left that load of spice behind,
I just left a note saying I was sorry,
And you know that's been weighing heavy on my mind
Especially since I'm asking pretty please....
I can't stand being digested for over a million years...
So please, Jabba please....
But if you toss me in I'll still refuse to show you any fear..." *
(* Song loosely based on Please, Mister, Please, by Olivia Newton John)
*Very good!* the Hutt declared. *Throw in the Jedi first!*
'Luke' stepped bravely forward, then held up his hand. Inside Jabba's sail barge, Artoo rolled up and shot out a silver cylinder. It arched gracefully right into 'Luke's' outstretched hand, and he turned it on, slashing away at the stunned guards. 'Luke' quickly cut the binders off of his friends, right before 'Boba Fett' stepped forward, firing a cord around 'Luke's' torso and causing him to drop his lightsaber.
"Han!" 'Lando' yelled. "Get down! Fett's right behind you!"
"Fett?" 'Han' asked, confused. "Where?"
"I said... he's right behind you!"
*OWWW!* Chewie screamed, dropping to the floor and rolling around in pain. *That creep shot me!*
'Han' groped around on the surface of the barge, grabbing a stick and swinging it around. The stick caught 'Fett' in the jetpack, sending him shooting straight up in the air, and the bounty hunter disappeared into the fluffly clouds. In the meantime, 'Chewie' rolled into 'Lando', and the gambler went careening over the side, and began sliding down toward the sarlacc's mouth.
While all this was happening, Luke had managed to extricate himself from the rope around his waist. "I have to go rescue Leia!" 'Luke' cried out. "Bye!" Using supernatural speed, 'Luke' backflipped from the small barge over to the larger sail barge.
"Where did Luke go?" 'Lando' questioned, still sliding downward as a long, suctioned 'arm' grabbed his leg.
"He had better things to do," 'Han' called back. "But I'll rescue you! Hold still, and I'll shoot the sarlacc."
"Wait!" 'Lando' yelled. "I thought you were blind!"
'Han' gave a wicked grin. "Trust me. Don't move."
'Lando' strained to hear over all the noise. "What did you say?"
"It's all right, I can see a lot better now."
"That's not what you said the first time!"
"I thought you said you didn't hear me the first time," 'Han' shot back, taking aim at the tentacle.
"Noooo!" 'Lando' yelled. "Aim higher!"
'Han' fired, and reached over the edge, grabbing 'Lando' and pulling him up to safety. Then he hauled off and punched 'Lando' in the nose.
"What did you do that for?" 'Lando' whined.
"For letting Vader torture and freeze me," 'Han' growled out.
The scene cut to the larger barge, where 'Leia' was busy strangling 'Jabba' with her chain. Gagging and drooling, the obese Hutt rolled his eyes and died. Then 'Artoo' cut the Princess free and 'Leia' ran over to 'Luke'. "Hold on tight," 'Luke' yelled. "We're going to swing over to the other barge."
"Using this rope," 'Luke' told her.
"What's it attached to?" 'Leia' asked. "In order to swing across, it needs to be attached to a central fulcrum, and there isn't one!"
"Yes, there is!" 'Luke' replied, annoyed. "It's attached to a skyhook!"
"Oh," 'Leia' replied. "Why didn't you say so?" 'Leia' reached up, giving 'Luke' a big smacker. "For luck," she explained.
Miraculously, they swung across using a skyhook to the other barge, while poor Artoo and Threepio were forced to jump into the hot sand.
~~~~~~~~ Solos' Living Room ~~~~~~
"A skyhook. I always wondered how you did that," Lando remarked, tilting his head. "I never even thought about a skyhook."
"Those skyhooks come in handy," commented Luke.
"How come your lightsaber didn't cut anyone in half?" Jaina questioned her uncle.
"Because this holo-show is rated for children to watch."
"This is okay for kids to watch? That bikini looked pretty racy to me," Wes remarked. "I'm glad I finally got to see it."
"Shut up, Janson," Han warned. "That's my wife's bikini you're drooling over."
"The same bikini you gave to the producers," Leia pointed out tightly. "I hope you got a good look, Solo. It's the last time you'll ever see it again."
"Kreth," Han grumbled. "A guy makes one little mistake, and he ends up paying for it the rest of his life."
~~~~ The Holo Drama ~~~~~
"General Solo, do you have your team assembled?" 'Admiral Ackbar' asked the Corellian.
"Everyone but the command crew," 'Han' said, glancing over at a stunned 'Leia', while 'Chewie' roared his happiness. "I didn't want to speak for you, pal. It's gonna be dangerous."
"General?" 'Leia' said with a gasp. "GENERAL? GENERAL?"
"Yup," 'Han' said proudly. "Are you surprised?"
"Stunned," 'Leia' admitted. "Shocked. Amazed. Flabbergasted."
"That bad, huh?"
"LUKE!" 'Leia' yelled, jumping up and running across the room, throwing her arms around the Jedi while 'Han' folded his arms across his chest, his face showing jealousy. "Where have you been? What's the matter? Why do you look so upset?"
"I'll tell you later," promised 'Luke', looking smugly over 'Leia's' head at 'Han'. "I'd like to go with you on the shuttle."
"Sure," 'Han' mumbled. "The more the merrier."
"If you're going, then so am I," 'Leia' told 'Luke'. "I can't let you out of my sight again." With that, 'Leia' gave 'Luke' a big hug and kiss, and everyone in the control room but 'Han' let out a big "Awwww."
~~~~~ Solos' Living Room ~~~~~
"Gross!" Anakin said, pretending to gag. "How many times did you kiss Uncle Luke, anyway?"
"It didn't happen like that," protested Leia. "I told your father I wouldn't let him out of my sight, not Luke."
"Of course, that vow only lasted until you and Luke took off on those speeder bikes," Han said. "Without me."
"It's past your bedtime," Leia suddenly declared to her off-spring. "Go brush your teeth and then go to sleep."
"But, Mom!" Jaina complained. "That's not fair!"
"Do we have to?" Jacen asked, looking at Han.
"You really don't think I'm stupid enough to override your mother, do you?" Han questioned his son. "Go to bed."
"Go to bed. It's not my fault."
The kids reluctantly marched off, while the adults swallowed another shot of whiskey.
~~~~~ The Holo-Drama continued on, uncaring who went to bed ~~~~~~
"Great, Chewie," 'Han' grumbled as the group hung high in the air while trapped in a net. "Next time, eat before we start a mission."
"Can you reach my lightsaber?" 'Luke' questioned.
"Sure. I think."
'Chewie' let out a loud roar of protest. *Watch what you're grabbing, or at least propose first!*
"It's not my fault," 'Han' said hurriedly. "It's Luke!"
"It's not me!" argued 'Luke'.
"AHHHHH!" everyone yelled as 'Artoo' cut the ropes and they fell in a heap to the ground.
Before the group could get their bearings, they were surrounded by a dozen, short fuzzy creatures... all pointing spears at them.
*Hey,* 'Chewie' woofed out. *Mini-me's!*
"We'd better cooperate with them," 'Luke' said. "They look really mean."
"Mean? Are you kidding me?" 'Han' asked. "We could eat them for dinner."
The camera cuts to a tied-up 'Han' being hoisted over a barbeque pit. "I was joking! Can't you take a joke? Come on.... don't eat me!"
"The Ewoks have declared that I am a god," 'Threepio' informed them. "It is about time someone saw my true worth."
"Threepio," 'Luke' called over to the droid. "Tell them to let us go free."
"Why should I do that? Captain Solo is always turning me off, and you favor Artoo. No... let them eat Captain Solo. Good riddance, I say!"
"Threepio, if you don't do as I say.... you'll be sorry!"
"You are hardly in any position to threaten me, Master Luke," 'Threepio' said with a sniff. The Ewoks piled wood under 'Han' and waved a burning torch in his direction. Then they all began dancing around and broke into song...
*Threepio, oh Threepio.... you're such a hunk
We promise never to call you a piece of junk....
High up on a throne you truly deserve to be...
You are the king; exactly our cup of tea...
Threepio, oh Threepio... you're such a deity
We have been waiting eons for this reality...
Forever and forever we will bow at your feet...
Because you think you are pretty neat...*
"Hah!" 'Threepio' said after he finished interpreting the song. "Because of these intelligent beings, now you all can fully comprehend my magnificence!"
'Luke' concentrated, and 'Threepio's' throne lifted off the ground, spinning around.
"AHHH!" the droid screamed out. "Put me down! I beg your forgiveness, Master Luke!"
The throne was lowered, and 'Leia' came rushing out of one of the small huts, wearing a strange dress. "Oh, dear me!" she declared. "Let them go, you flea-bitten hairy little munchins!"
Shrugging, the Ewoks cut their prisoners loose, and 'Han' (whose hair and clothes were smoking) rushed up to 'Leia'. "Where did you get that dress?" he asked, eyes wide.
"This old rag?" 'Leia' asked, looking down. "I've had this for years, and you first notice it now?"
"Men," 'Leia' muttered in disgust.
~~~~~~~ Living Room ~~~~~~~
"I am speechless," Threepio said, not really meaning it. "I never would have claimed to be a god. If I were human - which I also would never claim - I would certainly join Master Wedge in suing the humans involved with this travesty. If I ponder this too long, I am afraid I might short circuit from outrage."
"Where did that dress come from, anyway?" Han asked his wife.
"I'll go get some cookies," Leia said, suddenly standing up. "We need something on our stomachs with all this drinking, or we'll get sick."
Lando stood up as well, swaying and appearing rather green. "Too late." The gambler staggered out of the Solos' apartment, muttering, "I''d better get home before Tendra comes looking for me. She's not going to be happy when I wake up with a hang-over tomorrow morning."
Wes shook his head in mock dismay. "Poor Calrissian. I believe I'll tell Tendra about needing lyme Gell-Oh to attract women. Just to keep life interesting."
"You're a certified trouble-maker, Janson," Han said. "But if Tendra asks me if he really said that, I'll back you up."
~~~~~~ Holo-Drama ~~~~~
'Han' stood on the walkway, seething as 'Luke' and 'Leia' embraced. Then 'Luke' gave 'Leia' another kiss, and he turned and left.
"Wait one bantha-burned minute!" 'Han' shouted as he ran up to a sobbing 'Leia'. "What's going on here? If you love Luke, you need to let me know instead of stringing me along."
"Why?" 'Leia' sobbed. "I love both of you!"
"What?' 'Han' asked, stepping back in shock. "That's not possible!"
'Leia' looked up through teary eyelashes. "Of course a person can love more than one person at a time." And 'Leia' started singing,
"There's another man, that I've always needed and I love...
But that doesn't mean I love you less....
Luke holds a special part of me, I can't explain it to you yet,
Give me some time, and I will find the strength to confess....
Torn between two pilots, feeling like a fool...
loving both of you isn't breaking any rules...." *
(* Borrowed a bit from Torn Between Two Lovers, by Peter Yarrow and Phil Jarrel)
"This is different," the Corellian insisted, sniffing after 'Leia' was done with her song.
"You.... you just don't understand!"
"Then explain it to me. Now!"
"Fine. Go with Luke then. See if I care," 'Han' snapped, then burst into tears. "Don't leave me, Leia! I love you! I'm trying to change!"
"Oh, Han," 'Leia' cried out. "I don't want you to change. Except your clothes. That would be nice."
Sobbing, they clung to each other in the forest night.
~~~~~ Solo Living Room ~~~~~~
"That's the biggest pile of bantha droppings I've ever seen," Han complained. "I did NOT cry!"
"Sure," Luke said, rolling his eyes. "That's not what Leia told me."
Han looked at his wife in shock. "What did you tell your brother?"
Grinning, Leia leaned back, crossing her ankles. "You're right, Han. This holo-drama is improving as it goes along."
"This is the good part," Luke said. "Watch this.... I stood up to Palpatine, almost died from Force-lightning, and our father threw the bad guy over the side of the reactor shaft just in time to save my life."
~~~~~ Back to the Holo-Drama ~~~
'Han' and 'Leia' stood outside the shield generator, hands over their heads and surrounded by stormtroopers. Suddenly, the forest erupted into chaos as the Ewoks shot arrows and threw stones at the Imperials. Shocked, the stormtroopers quickly threw down their high powered rifles, never once considering the fact they were wearing armor and arrows and stones would cause them no harm. 'Han' then quickly ran back inside the generator and - single-handedly - placed all the grenades and quickly ran out just as the bunker blew sky high.
As 'Han' and 'Leia' lay in the ferns gazing up at the sky, the second Death Star blew up, too.
"I'll bet Luke got out of there in the nick of time," 'Han' said sadly. "He always does."
"Yes, he's fine," 'Leia' replied happily. "I can feel it."
"Hey, there's no accounting for taste, but if you want that sand-behind-the-ears farmboy instead of a great looking guy like me, I'll do the right thing and toast you two at your wedding," 'Han' grumbled. "But one of these days, when you have short kids and they get beaten up on the playground, you'll wish you'd married a tall guy instead."
"Oh, Han, don't be silly." 'Leia' giggled. "I can't marry Luke because he's my twin brother."
"You don't have to lie to me just to make me feel better."
"I'm not lying."
"Luke can't be your twin brother. He doesn't look a thing like you."
"We're not identical twins," 'Leia' said, exasperated.
"I look more like Luke than you do," 'Han' continued on. "Even Chewie looks more like Luke than you do."
"Well, I don't care. He IS my brother."
"Does he need a kidney or something? Is that why he told you that? I'll bet that's it."
"Shut up and kiss me!"
Then the scene cut to the Ewoks and the Rebels partying as fireworks exploded in the sky.
*Ding dong, the Emperor's dead, the old dude's dead, yes, he's really dead...* the Ewoks sang over and over, long into the night.
*Ding dong the wicked Emperor's dead!
He died up in the sky...
We didn't even know he could fly...
Ding dong, how we love ding dongs...
Don't you love ding dongs? Yes, we love ding dongs....
Ding dong, the evil old Sith is gone.....*
(* Borrowed from Ding Dong the Witch is Dead by somebody besides me)
Then both 'Han' and 'Leia' hugged 'Luke' as he mysteriously reappeared in the Ewok camp.
~~~~~~ Solo Living Quarters ~~~~~~~~~~
"I can't believe this," Luke protested, throwing his glass of whiskey at the holo-set, which was pretty pointless since it sailed harmlessly right through the image. "They didn't even show me almost dying on the Death Star! That was the main turning point to the entire galaxy, and all they focus on is you and Han arguing and making out!"
"But the holo-show is about Han," Wes pointed out.
"It's still so... so unfair!" Luke shouted. "I'm going home. Mara will understand." With loud angry stomps, Luke headed out the door.
Wes looked around the room at Han, Leia and Chewie and the droids. "This party is getting smaller and smaller."
"It's not my fault," Han said, laughing.
~~~~ The beginning of the end of the Holo-Drama ~~~~~
Four years later, on Coruscant
'Han' wiped his bloodied brow, and wore tattered rags for clothing. Slowly, painfully, he dragged his broken body into the conference hall and collapsed into a chair next to 'Mon Mothma', who looked at the General in disdain.
"I just got back from nearly getting killed chasing Zsinj," 'Han' explained to the older woman.
"Did you catch that trouble-maker?" 'Mothma' questioned sharply. "That's what we're paying you for, you know."
"I'm pretty sure we got him."
"Pretty sure?" The woman rolled her eyes. "Couldn't you have at least cleaned up?"
"Leia told me this meeting was important," 'Han' said.
"It is important, but only for important people. You certainly aren't important."
'Han' gave 'Mothma' a hurt expression, and the camera moved to 'Leia', who was sitting regally on a throne as well-dressed Hapans presented her with gift after gift after gift....
After the pile of jewels, credits, artwork was toppling over, 'Leia' demanded in a loud voice, "That's it? You've got to be kidding me. I want MORE!"
The camera showed a shocked 'Han'. "Has she lost her mind?"
'Mon Mothma' smirked. "No. She's only just now regaining it."
Suddenly.... the entire room went completely still and quiet, and a tall, blond, handsome, muscular man entered the room, his golden hair blowing in a breeze that touched no one else. With long, perfect strides, he pranced like a stallion down the red carpeted aisle until he stood in his low cut gold-lamé shirt and tight red pants with knee high shiny black boots before a stunned 'Leia'.
"My Princess," the man boomed out in a sexy voice with a dashing accent, "We have saved the best present for last."
"Which is...?" 'Leia' managed to croak out, fanning herself with her fingers.
"ME!" he shouted out in song as the lights went out and a silver-jeweled globe sparkled overhead.
"I'm Isolder, Isolder... the most manly of men,
Never will you find a more perfect specimen,
Just look around and compare.....
I am wonderful and ideal...the fairest of the fair,
I make all females swoon with a toss of my hair,
And when I flex my abs they suddenly can't breathe enough air....
I'm Isolder.... yes, Isolder! The most godly of males,
Stand next to me, and others surely will pale,
I am handsome, tall and rich.....
If I wink at a female they fall down and twitch,
And trust me, when I sing, it's always on pitch,
But just ignore my mother, she's sort of a witch....
I'm Isolder, oh Isolder, the Prince with High Class
Since this is all true, it's not even crass,
I'm the center of attention,
I suppose it's beyond mortal comprehension,
That I could accept just one woman's affection,
But, hey, what can I say? I'm Isolder... I'm perfection!"
A collective gasp went out from the audience, and they all stood up and applauded, throwing pink Corellian rose-blooms at 'Isolder's' feet.
"Will you marry me, Princess Leia?" 'Isolder' boomed out, his hair still blowing in the ethereal breeze.
"Of course I'll marry you!" 'Leia' yelled back.
Up in the balcony, 'Han' stood up in shock. "But... what about me?"
No one was listening, as they were all watching 'Isolder' and 'Leia' locked in a passionate embrace.
~~~~~ Solo Living Room ~~~~~
"Wow," Han said, shaking his head. "They nailed Isolder perfectly. I'm amazed."
"I didn't accept his proposal!" Leia protested. "How dare they say that?"
Wes chewed on his lower lip, thoughtfully. "Isn't that the same actor that advertises Astro-balm food spread?"
"I think so," Anakin's voice called out from the hallway.
Leia spun around in her chair, glaring at her three children who were hiding under the cover of darkness, and still watching the holo-show. "Why aren't you in bed?"
"But, this is too good," Jaina protested. "If you would have married Prince Isolder, he could have been our dad. He's dreamy."
"If you would have married Isolder, what would have happened to Tenel Ka?" Jacen asked his mother. "Would Jaina be Tenel Ka, or would Uncle Luke be Tenel Ka's dad?"
"Don't be stupid," Jaina told her brother. "If Uncle Luke were Tenel Ka's dad, then she'd be your cousin, and you couldn't have a crush on her, and if I were Tenel Ka, I'd be your twin sister, and you sure couldn't have a crush on your twin sister!"
"Why not?" Jacen asked. "Uncle Luke had a crush on mom."
"Go To Bed!" Leia ordered loudly, not wanting her children to see any more of the holo-drama.
"If you don't mind," Threepio piped up, "I will gladly take the children to their rooms and power down for the evening. I have seen enough of this nonsense."
"Ah, how the truth hurts," Han muttered under his breath, glancing nervously at his wife out of the corner of his eye.
~~~~~ Holo-Drama ~~~~~~
"You kidnapped me?" 'Leia' screeched at a cringing 'Han'. "You are such a nerf-herder!"
*I told you she would be mad,* 'Chewie' barked out. *I was almost positive she'd be mad.*
"I must agree with Chewbacca," 'Threepio' said as he appeared in the ship's hold.
"Threepio?" 'Han' said in surprise. "How did you get here?"
"Chewbacca invited me," the droid replied, sounding put-out.
'Han' glared at his co-pilot. "Chewie? How could you do that to me?"
"What difference does it make?" 'Leia' grumbled. "Take me back to Coruscant."
"All you have to do is give me one week on this planet I won playing sabacc," 'Han' said, pouting, then breaking into a song...
"Princess, you ain't known no one like me...
Not too many guys hang around with a Wookiee...
Mothma tells you I'm just bad,
She just don't understand,
Unlike that Hapan, I'm a real man....
I drink way too much and play too much sabacc
Fly the Falcon and cause too much havoc
I may be a scoundrel and a fool...
But, Leia, unlike that Prince, you know I'd die for you..." *
(*Borrowed loosely from "Real Good Man" by Tim McGraw)
'Leia' sighed. "One week. And then you take me back to Coruscant and take your lumps from my true love, Isolder."
The Millennium Falcon came out of hyperspace over Dathomir and was promptly shot down by an Imperial Star Destroyer.
"This planet is crawling with Imperials!" 'Leia' shouted at 'Han'. "Why would you bring me here, you brainless ninny?"
"I already told you," 'Han' said sullenly. "I won it playing sabacc."
"They probably lost it on purpose!" 'Leia' grumbled, throwing her hands up in disgust. "Now what?"
"Well, I guess we'll go ask the locals if they have any spare parts."
"Like a brain?" 'Leia' sniped. "You could sure use one." Then she marched away from the ship in a huff.
'Chewie' watched her leave. *Are you certain you want to win her back from Isolder? Bria is starting to look better and better.*
'Threepio' peered nervously at the forest. "Is this planet safe for droids?"
"Both of you shut up."
~~~~~ The 'real' world ~~~~~~
*They got this last part pretty accurate, don't you think?* Chewie woofed out.
"All they have me doing is yelling non-stop," Leia complained. "I don't yell non-stop."
"If you say so," Han muttered.
"I don't yell!" Leia yelled at her husband.
Wes looked at his chrono. "I'm not going to have a part in this entire holo."
*And you're complaining?* Chewie asked.
~~~~~ Holo-drama ~~~~~~~
A young, red-headed woman jumped out from behind a tree, holding a long pole. "You are my prisoners!"
Casually, 'Han' drew out his blaster. "Should I kill her now, or wait until she tries eating me?"
"What's your name?" 'Leia' asked gently.
"Teneniel Djo," the young woman said.
"Well, Teneniel Djo, my name is Leia Organa, and this is Captain Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Threepio. We need your help getting off this planet."
"No one leaves Dathomir," she declared. "And I claim Captain Solo as my slave. He is mine now. From now on, my people will know us as Captain and Teneniel....
Love," she broke into song....
"Love will tie us together....
We will live on Dathomir forever...
Live in a village and raise some rancors,
Someday you will thank us,
Because I stopped!
Stopped those Nightsisters from catching you,
Those witches are people you'd really rue....
Look at the end of my spear and let LOVE!
Keep us together.....
(* Borrowed from "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain and Tennille)
"There are rancors on this planet?" 'Threepio' asked worriedly.
The scene cut to 'Han' and company being escorted into 'Teneniel Djo's' village, and were quickly surrounded by hoardes of evil looking women.
"Who are these people?" 'Han' asked.
"Muahahhahaha!" a gnarly Nightsister cackled. "We claim this male as our slave!"
"No!" 'Teneniel' cried out. "He's mine!"
"Actually, he's mine," 'Leia' mused, tapping her chin thoughtfully.
"All these women fighting over me," 'Han' said with a happy sigh. "I've died and gone to Corellian heaven."
Suddenly, 'Luke' and 'Isolder' stepped out of the woods. "There they are!" 'Isolder' shouted. "Use your lightsaber and neuter that pirate!"
"Never mind," the evil Nightsister said, drooling over the new arrivals. "I'll take those two, instead."
"No!" 'Teneniel Djo' said, eyes wide as she stared at the approaching Jedi and Prince. "I want them. You can take Captain here."
"Actually," 'Leia' interrupted. "Those two are mine, too."
~~~~~~~ The Solo Living Room ~~~~~
"Dang," Wes said to Leia. "You claimed ALL the men as yours? That's really greedy."
"I did not!" Leia argued, standing up and pointing toward the door. "It's time you went home, Wes."
"I seem to recall that you did," Han said to Leia.
"Do you know how close you are to having to sleep on the Falcon for a month?" Leia asked her husband.
"You're right, it's getting really late," Wes agreed, nervously eyeing the exit. "See you."
*And then there were three,* Chewie woofed sadly as the door shut behind the pilot.
~~~~~~ Back to the Holo-Drama ~~~~~
"Remember me fondly, Princess," 'Han' said, tears running down his face. "I have to go blow myself up for you, now."
'Leia' blew noisily into a handkerchief. "I'll always remember how nice your pants fit," she said as he walked bravely away to his doom.
'Han' marched up to the Nightsisters. "Well, it's been nice knowing ya," he said with a jaunty wave of his hand. Then he tried to detonate the small explosive device on his belt, but his eyes grew wide when it failed. "Uh oh."
"Uh oh is right," the Head Evil Nightsister said. "Now I will break every bone in your body while you beg for forgiveness." She waggled her finger and 'Han' lifted up into the air.
"NOOO!" 'Han' screamed out in pain as his leg bones broke. "That hurts!"
The camera zoomed to the Millennium Falcon as it swooped down, firing its weapons at the witches as it briefly landed, and 'Han' crawled up the ship's ramp.
'Leia' gathered the ex-smuggler into her arms. "Oh, Han! I'm so sorry. I love you, my nerfherder... not Isolder. I don't know what came over me."
"Let me guess...he decided to marry Teneniel instead?"
"Yes, that wishy-washy creep," 'Leia' sobbed out. "Will you marry me?"
"I guess," 'Han' muttered. "But I get to name our kids."
The scene cuts to the big wedding, where 'Luke' was escorting 'Leia' down the aisle. "I want to get married, too," 'Luke' cried unhappily, then stopped and turned to the assembled audience and sang,
"I'm going to the chapel....
But it's not me that's getting married...
Oh, no.... I'm going to the chapel,
And I'm not the one that's getting married...
It's so unfair that I haven't yet found my true love,
Can't the same sweet bolt hit me from the sky above?
Leia's big day is here....
Obi-Wan always knew...
That old Jedi was just too cruel...
Now I'll always be lonely 'evermore...." *
(* Borrowed from "Chapel of Love" by Jeff Barry)
"This is my wedding day," 'Leia' informed him, irritated. "Try to be happy for me instead of just thinking about yourself."
Words then appeared on the holo-screen declaring....
And that's how Han Solo became a hero and married Princess Leia Organa.
They lived happily ever after.....
~~~~~~~ Back to the Solos' living room ~~~~~
"I hated that holo-show," Leia stated, her arms folded across her chest.
Han shrugged. "I don't know. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be."
*At least they lived happily until now,* Chewie barked as the screen went dark.