Love Hina is the property of Ken Akamatsu and TokyoPop. This is a not-for-profit fanfic and earns me no money. Please don't bother suing me, you'd have better luck getting blood from a stone…

"Spoken"

'Thoughts'

By: Hawker_748

Love Hina:

Breathless

Keitaro swung his arm out in a fast arc, desperate to stop the beeping that had roused him from a sound sleep. He struck his alarm clock several times but to no avail, the beeping continuing to lance into his skull. After the fifth strike his addled brain finally realized that it was his cell phone, not the alarm that was disturbing him. He grabbed the offensive object, fumbled to get it open, and brought it to his lips. "H-hello?" he murmured blearily.

"Sempai! I need you to come here now!"

"Shinobu?" Keitaro wondered. He glanced at his clock, wincing when he saw it was just after 3 AM. "Wh-what are you doing? Why are you calling, it's late… And why didn't you just come to my room?" he added belatedly.

"Please just come here, I need you."

The young girl hung up before he could respond, so Keitaro ended up just staring at his phone in incomprehension. "The hell?" he mumbled. He debated just going back to bed, but Keitaro figured that the resident chef had her reasons for calling him at this ungodly hour, so he reluctantly pushed himself out of his futon.

Pulling on a robe, Keitaro slouched through the darkened hallways of the residence, bumping into the walls a few times due to his fatigue. He reached Shinobu's room and knocked on the door, a languid yawn escaping from his lips.

"It's open sempai, come in."

Keitaro slid the door open and sleepily walked in. "Okay Shinobu, what's… this… about…?" His words died off as his overworked brain finally took notice of a few things. He stared for a few seconds as he tried to think of a way to be discrete. "Shinobu?"

"Yes sempai?"

"Who's the naked guy on the floor?"

Shinobu wrung her hands. "I don't know, I never got his name…"

"Why's there a rope around his neck? And how come he's a pretty shade of blue?"

A snarl of frustration forced it's way out of Shinobu. "I couldn't get the knots loose in time. What was I thinking, letting him tie his own rope? You never do that… You're supposed to let the other person tie it so they know how to loosen it, and-"

"Never mind, I don't wanna know…" Keitaro mumbled. He stared at the absurd tableau before him, absently pinching himself as he did so.

"What are you doing sempai?"

"Trying to wake up."

"Do you want me to pinch you?"

"No thanks."

"Do you want me to-"

"No. Whatever it was you were going to ask, no." Keitaro just continued to stare for a few minutes before he let out another yawn and turned for the door.

"Sempai?" Shinobu asked in concern. "What are you doing? Where are you going?"

"Back to bed. I'm going to try to pretend this conversation never happened…"

"But you can't!" Shinobu protested. "You have to help me dispose of the body!"

"Forget it Shinobu," Keitaro rebuked her. "The landlord/tenant agreement clearly states that the landlord is exempt from disposing of any corpses that happen to occur… Hey! Why IS there a clause like that in it anyway?" He asked when it dawned on him.

Shinobu shrugged. "Naru got a little carried away as a dominatrix one night a few months before you arrived," she explained. "We didn't think much about it when he started screaming, but-"

"No details."

"Haruka was pissed at having to deal with that. The next morning, she rewrote the lease and made us all sign it," Shinobu finished.

"See?" Keitaro pointed out. "Not my responsibility. Go bury him in the garden or something. I don't really wanna know."

"Yes sempai," Shinobu pouted, letting out a sigh as she started gathering up the man's clothing. "Could you just not mention this to Su?"

"Wasn't gonna tell anyone, why her?"

"We usually go out together, but I get tired of having to take her rejects. I wanted to get my first choice for once."

Keitaro turned and started to walk out, but he paused at the doorway and looked back over his shoulder. "Shinobu?"

"Yes sempai?"

"You should really loosen that corset. It's making it hard to breathe."

"It's not that tight-"

"I meant for me." Keitaro closed the door behind him and shuffled back towards his room, his brain actively trying to purge all the files of what he'd seen and heard. He was so focused that he never noticed that he had company until they turned the corner.

"Urashima… You're usually asleep at this time," Motoko murmured.

"Aren't you too…?" Keitaro mused whether Motoko had just needed to use the washroom, or maybe a late night snack, but he figured that she wouldn't do either in the black leather teddy, fishnet stockings, and stiletto boots she was wearing.

Movement at Motoko's feet caused Keitaro to look downward, treating him to the sight of Kitsune crawling on all fours in a white silk bra and panties, cat ears, a tail, and a spiked collar that was attached to a leash Keitaro belated realized Motoko was carrying. He looked closely at Kitsune for a few seconds before turning back to Motoko. "That tail of hers…"

"Yes?"

"Is that in her ass?"

"Yes, it's in her ass." Motoko then gave the leash a sharp pull. "Bitch! Who said you could stop?!" she hissed. Kitsune began to rub herself against Motoko's legs just like a cat, purring as she did so. "Good girl…"

Keitaro just watched the exchange in silence before yawning and resuming his path to bed. "Motoko?" he called over his shoulder.

"Yes Urashima?"

"You've got a tear on the back of your left stocking…"

Motoko lifted her leg to check and made a disappointed sound. "Thank you for telling me Urashima."

"Don't mention it. Ever."

"I just-"

"I mean it, I'll sell this dorm and the land it's on and have a Wal-Mart built here if you ever breathe a word about tonight to me again."

"You'd sell us out to the dark side?"

"In a heart beat."

Not bothering to look back, Keitaro made his way back to his room, hung up his robe and slipped back under the covers. When he thought he heard Sarah laughing maniacally, he simply took his pillow, folded it around his head to muffle sound and fell back asleep.

End of Breathless.

Author's Notes.

Yes, this WAS inspired by the circumstances of Mr. David Carradine's passing.

First thought was to make it a dark fic where Shinobu finds Keitaro in the same circumstances, but I've done enough dark for a while, and I decided to play it for laughs instead.

Gotta love gallows humor.

Thanks to random1377 for pre-reading this.