Disclaimer: I own nothing, but damn it I wish I did.
Warnings: JD hurt/comfort/owwies
Song: Coldplay, I ran away. I've never put a song in a fanfic before… probably never will again.
Hope you enjoy the story; it's my first attempt at writing Scrubs, so feel free to give me pointers/advice etc. It's going to be multi-chaptered…
Chapter 1: Bed pans
It's a slow day and I'm waiting on some test results from the lab, so here I am sitting on the nurse's station with my legs swinging, listening to my new iPod, the other one unfortunately having been thrown in a urine sample by Dr Cox. This one's called Louis, seeing as the first song I played on it was 'What a wonderful world'. That man is a godsend.
Carla doesn't mind me sitting on the station today, she's happy because Turk gave her a bubble bath last night. By Turk giving her a bubble bath I mean I made myself a bubble bath – with these awesome new scented candles and strawberry bubble mix, seriously you would not believe how many bubbles that stuff makes, I thought I'd entered a new dimension – and when Carla saw it she kind of got the wrong idea. Oh well, I can have another go tonight. I'm gonna smell delicious!
"Hey baby." I turn my head and Turk is smacking a big one on Carla's lips. They're so sweet when Carla thinks Turk's done something romantic.
I feel a slight pang of jealousy, wondering if someone would do the same for me one day or whether I'm going to be doomed to loiter around relationships for the rest of my life. I imagine myself as the Loiterer of relationships, for some reason I resemble the Phantom of the Opera, with a mask that hides one side of my face "Nooo," I sing, brandishing my arms, "I am doomed to live alone forever!" I quickly brush the feeling of jealousy aside. Turk and Carla deserve to be happy.
"Turk, make sure you get home on time tonight." Carla says seductively, leaning over the counter top.
"Oh yeah?" I can practically hear the Brinner alarm bells going off in Turk's head.
"Yeah, I've got a little something planned…" they kiss again, and I mouth 'Brinner' to Turk, and he does a little victory dance over to me.
"Hey V-bear," He's whispering so Carla can't hear and I grin at his nickname for me. We are so cool. "Thanks for last night man, you have no idea how grateful Carla was." In fact, I know exactly how grateful Carla was, and spent most of the night with a pillow over my head thinking of my happy place. The unicorns there were having a tea party.
Todd makes an appearance. I find it odd how he manages to pop out of nowhere but at just the right moment for some innuendo. "Yeah. My man got some!" He says, grinning like a loon and holding his hand up, "sexual favour five." Turk begrudgingly high fives him and Todd disappears into the fog, wearing a cape. He must have heard another conversation.
"His spider sense was tingling." I say, and then remember where I am and continue chirpily, "and it's no problem C-bear! But can I have the bath tonight? I wanted to get all soapy." Another daydream comes to mind, as I slather soap all over myself, and slalom all around the hospital wearing nothing but a pair of extra sudsy boxer shorts.
"Whee!" I sing, as I pass the morgue and Doug gives me a wave with some dead guy's hand. I wave back, and slide on over to Elliot, who quickly soaps up and joins me on the crusade.
"Linoleum gives me nipple rash." I say dreamily.
"Man, you've gotta control these daydreams of yours," says Turk with a grin. He doesn't really seem to mind and besides I think the zoning out makes me more endearing. I grin back and he gives me a brotherly kind of squeeze on the shoulder and leaves. Something about a surgical consult, and something about his hands being gifts from the Lord. The usual.
I plug my headphones back in to my iPod and relax, thinking of my nice warm bath I'm gonna have when I get home. I've been feeling a little tired lately.
Ah, the soft mellow tones of Coldplay begins to play. Man I love this thing, sometimes I wonder if they'll make an iPod that's so small you can wear it like an earring, then no one will know you're listening to some sweet tunes, instead of say, Dr Cox's new rant, and you'll look like a pirate!
Everyone I know says I'm a fool to mess with you
And everyone I know says it's a stupid thing to do
Ah Chris Martin, your voice is like a choir of angels! As I think this, Dr Cox swings round the corner in that way he often does when he's on the warpath. I watch with mild interest as the interns squeak and run away from the Dr Cox storm as the thunderclouds threaten and lighting starts to streak from the sky. But they needn't have bothered running because he's heading right towards me.
I squeak. In a manly way of course. Hopping off the nurse's station, I run in the opposite direction.
"Newbie!" Dr Cox growls.
And when I heard you call to come back to me
And though I should stay I don't have the stomach to
Wow, how odd is it that this song is absolutely perfect for the situation I'm currently in - what are the chances? I ponder that as I speedily head for the supply closet.
Ah, safe among the syringes and swabs. There's something calming about the smell of disinfectant. Now I wouldn't usually run away from Dr Cox because I know that even though his rants are quite scary, and sometimes hurt me on the inside, they do help in the long run. I know he only acts like he does in order to make me a better doctor. At least, that's what I tell myself, Turk and Elliot seem to disagree.
Everyone I know says I'm a fool to mess with you
And everyone I know says it's a stupid thing to do
Wow, this song must be psychic! Anyway, the reason I'm running from Dr Cox today is because he's not after me for anything medical. This time, he really is just mad at me, and I don't think I can handle another rant seeing as yesterday he came up with a half-hour long one and followed me around the entre hospital, including the toilet, so he could get it out of his system. It was a pretty good one I have to admit, but a little tiring.
I guess I've been feeling a little under the weather recently, but it's nothing a nice long sleep and a soak in the bubbly tub won't fix.
Then the door opens, and I see the big red face of Dr Cox who looks as though a vein just might burst out of forehead and slap me in the eye. I yelp as he drags me out of the closet by my collar.
Think of the bubbles, just think of the bubbles.
"Listen here Jezebel. When I shout 'Newbie', or whatever appropriate and demeaning girls name I come up with at the time, it is not a request, heck it's not even a demand, it's a given that you will turn your sorry little ass around and listen to what I've got to say, can you get your girly little head around that?" He yanks the beautiful music from my ears and chucks my precious Louis over to the waiting Janitor.
How is the Janitor always around to torture me? He must have the same spider sense as Todd does; maybe they've got a satellite system or something.
Louis gets tucked into the Janitor's pocket and I know that I'm never going to see him again. Poor Louis, he didn't even last a full week.
"Newbie I swear to God, if you're not listening to me I'm going to rip out your ears so you've got an excuse!"
"S-sorry Dr Cox."
He ignores my apology, voice dangerous, "Now would you like to tell me just why-oh-why exactly it is that Jordon knows about my day off tomorrow and has scheduled a trip to the mall so I can be her lapdoggy and carry all her precious shopping bags whilst balancing Jack on my arm and trying not to spend all my hard-earned money on a pair of stilettos that she absolutely must have but will wear once and then declare legally dead?!"
I don't think he actually breathed for the whole of that sentence. He sure looks mad.
And this is why I've been trying to avoid Dr Cox all day. See, this morning I was excitedly telling Turk that I could sing all the Boston hits my heart desired tomorrow without Dr Cox threatening to throw me off the roof, because my mentor wasn't going to be in. Only Jordon was in the same room, and of course, she was listening as she always does for something to blackmail someone with.
I swear she was actually breathing fire at me.
"What the hell are you going on about DJ? You tell me or so help me I'll shove that iPod of yours -" I try to block out most of Jordon's comments because they tend to sting a bit worse than Dr Cox's do, "- cheese-grater -" block it, block it out, "- so hard you'll wish you were dead -" and so on and so forth. I don't really want to think about it as it was one of the scariest moments of my life. So I had to tell her about Dr Cox's day off, only he obviously didn't want her to know...
"S-she overheard me talking and then threatened to kill Louis," I finally stutter at the floor. Not that it mattered now, seeing as Louis was in the hands of my arch-nemesis. There was no telling the unspeakable evils he was going to be subjected to.
Dr Cox lets out that laugh of his that isn't really a laugh, more of a short harsh bark that tells me instantly that he doesn't give a crap, "I don't give a crap what your excuse is Newbie," he snarls, "just be sure that you know I've relieved all nurses of bed pan duty and put you in there place."
Well, I think quietly to myself, at least I know it could be worse.
"For the next three months."
"And you're responsible for every single one of my patients tomorrow, so if I come back and one of their hairs is out of place I will hold you personally responsible, you got that? And don't think this is the end of my fury either, because thanks to you the one day of my life where I could be out - dare I say it, doing something for myself for once instead of gallivanting after you making sure you don't kill people, or making sure my son doesn't eat all the lego animals we bought him so he could have some semblance of a happy childhood, or trying to keep Jordon from feasting on the entrails of my blackened soul - has gone, kaput."
"I'm sorry -" I try, but he cuts me off.
"Apologies won't cut it Delilah. I now have no me time, and for that Newbie, you are damned for all eternity."
I swallow and attempt a small smile. I mean, he could have just punched me in the face, but seeing as he didn't – his arms are folded in what I like to call the 'I'm so much more important than you, you may as well just curl into a ball and cry' pose – I thank my lucky stars.
"You better not be smiling at me there, sweet cheeks, because the only reason you're not flat on your back right now, clutching your face and screaming 'Dear God help me, I think my girly face is broken', is because if I hospitalise you, you won't be cleaning out any bedpans." Then he turns on his heel and stalks away.
I let out a sigh of relief, and watch as he moves down the corridor causing everyone else to press up against the walls to get out of his way. I'm sure glad that it's over. Now there are only a few more hours of my shift and I'm as free as a bird.
The Janitor smiles at me, patting his pocket.
It could be worse, I remind myself, but can't help frowning at him as he saunters off. Seriously, he's just mean. I make a mental note to sneak after him and steal Louis back. Only, the last time I followed him I discovered his squirrel army… and I gotta tell you, small rodents scare me. Especially dead, creepy looking, stuffed rodents in their masses.
Laverne taps me on the shoulder, and I smile at her, "yes Laverne, anything I can help you with?" I say in my doctor voice. It's better if I forget this whole thing and immerse myself in my work.
"All the bed pans on this floor are full Doctor Dorian, and I've just been informed that it's your job," she shoves a smelly metal pan into my unsuspecting fingers and laughs with her head tilted all the way back, just like a super-villain. "Have fun Q-tip."
It could be worse, right?
Thanks for reading.