AN: Wait, what is Off Limits update?

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. This is the first of two outtakes that were purchased in November for Fandom Gives Back. This one goes out to TLammy, who was gracious enough to give me the prompt, "I just want them to be happy."

So, that's exactly what I did. I promised 5k words and got a little carried away, so I hope that you don't mind you get 7k instead ;)

Many thanks to kaystu, who jumped in as my beta again after a whole six months, and LaraIsAwkward and il-bel-mondo for getting me out of Campward's head and back into the Off Limits mindset. Extra thanks to Kassiah for rec'ing this story on The makes my heart happy that new people find Off Limits every day.

With that said, TLammy, I hope you enjoy it.


Bag of food in hand, I tried not to trip on my way into the Ritz Carlton, where Bella and I had been relocated because of the amount of photographers and fans who had found us in St. Louis already. It took all my concentration not spill the bag of baked goods and cranberry juice in my hands, but I didn't…because I knew there'd be hell and then some to pay if my nearly nine months pregnant wife didn't get her god damned pre-concert snack.

One day, Cullen…only one more fucking day. You can do this. Then, no more shows, no more small beds or hotels with shitty water pressure, and no more stressful scheduling…just you and your incredibly irritable pregnant wife.


Yup. Today was the last date of our summer tour, and then we would finally be leaving scorching hot and humid St. Louis and moving to our brand spanking new house in Lake Forest, just outside of Chicago. Our fucktastically awesome family had been kind enough to help us move our shit from Seattle into our house while we were on our nationwide comeback tour, and we would be arriving at a fully furnished beautiful house. A new home. For our new family.

"Hey, Bel, I got you your croissant and—" I cut off, suddenly accosted by the sight of a sobbing Bella, clad only in a white tank top and underwear, standing red-faced in front of the bathroom mirror. "Bel?"

I dropped the bag of food on the bed and ran straight to her. If something had happened…

Babies came early all the fucking time, right? Oh my God, what the fuck would happen if she went into labor here? We were in Missouri, not Chicago where her obstetrician was. That was a fucking five and a half hour drive away. I needed moral support for this shit—my brother, my sister, my parents. Yes, even my dad.

I placed my arms on her shoulders and tried to gauge what the fuck was actually going on, since Bella had yet to even look at me. "Bel, you're scaring me. Are you okay? Is everything all right?"

She shook her head, clutching her stomach and poking her bottom lip out as tears slid down her red cheeks. "No."

My stomach plummeted and my head started spinning. I removed my hands from her shoulders as quickly as possible and started feeling myself down for my cell phone.

"Okay, it'll be fine, Bel. We can figure this out…" Maybe my family would be able to make it on time if I called them this very second…if I could only find out which fucking pocket I'd put my cell in!

"Bunny, what are you doing?" she asked meekly.

"I'm calling us a cab," I replied, ignoring her and continuing to dig into my pockets. Seriously, how many fucking pockets could one pair of pants have?


I looked up, startled. Her tears had stopped, and Bella was looking at me with the most curious expression on her face. Okay, so apparently nothing medical was wrong.

And cue the breathing.

"You said something was wrong and I just assumed that…" I nodded my head in the general direction of her stomach, and the tiny thing burst into tears again.

"I can't perform today." She sniffed loudly. "It's too hot, and I'm too fat."

I was being an ass, I knew, but I couldn't fucking help it. I cracked a large smile and chuckled softly before bringing my lips to Bella's salty, tear covered cheeks.

"You're laughing at me?" Her voice was strangled, and out of nowhere, her hands flew at my chest, pushing me backwards, making me stumble out of the bathroom and onto the edge of the bed. "I look sweaty and gross and like I swallowed a giant boulder. Nothing I own fits me anymore! I thought guys were supposed to gain sympathy weight. Why aren't you sympathetic? You're still gorgeous. And now you're laughing!"

She stomped her little foot and pushed my shoulder again, looking like the little ferocious kitten I knew she was. Her rant and abuse had the unfortunate (and I'm sure unintended) reaction of only making me laugh harder, though. I couldn't help it. She was too cute for words when she was pissed. And I didn't know what she was worried about, seeing as she was as fucking hot as ever.

"Bel, I'm not laughing at you, I promise." I stood up and wrapped my arms around her, which, although she was exponentially larger around the middle, still fit nicely around her back. "You just almost gave me a heart attack because I thought you were about to give birth. And then I find out you're just entertaining the ridiculous notion that you are too fat to perform? Come on, I'm allowed to laugh. Out of relief, at least."

She rolled her eyes and huffed. I'm sure she would have crossed her arms had I not had her locked within my steel grip. "You're such a dick."

"I am," I smirked. "But you were aware of that when you married me."

She tried to maintain her scowl, but I saw her eyes softening slightly, so I leaned down and kissed her magic spot, which had only increased in sensitivity with her influx of hormones. It was like…kiss magic spot, and then panties, be gone! That was some awesome fucking magic, I'd say.

"And you're not fat. You are sexy as hell," I whispered into her ear, causing her nipples to harden under her thin white tank. "And if you don't have anything to wear, maybe you should just stop wearing clothes." As my lips brushed against the soft skin below her ear, I knew I'd won.

"Edward," Bella whimpered, her head lolling to the side to give me more room as her hands twined themselves in my hair.

"Mhmm," I hummed against her skin, my lips never leaving the spot that was currently turning her body into goo before my very eyes.

"This is cheating."

"I can't help it," I mumbled into her neck, trailing kisses down to her shoulder as I pushed the strap of her tank top out of my way. "My lips want to be attached to your skin…all the time…"

My teeth scraped against her skin, and suddenly, I was being pushed back onto the bed. When the hell did she get so strong?

Her hands grabbed my hair and forcefully brought my mouth to hers, letting our teeth knock against one another. During our latest sexual escapades, which hadn't been that frequent, to be honest, everything had been more than gentle. It needed to be like that, seeing as how Bella had literally tripled in size (not that I'd ever tell her that…). And I'm not going to lie; I kind of missed our frequent rough housing.

She grasped the bottom of my shirt and pulled hard, forcing it over my head as her nails scratched down my naked chest. A loud groan escaped my mouth, and my cock sprang to life, seeing the wild look in her eyes.

Yes, Cullen, we have definitely missed the rough housing.

Before I could even grasp what she was doing, Bella was on her knees between my legs, her nimble fingers undoing my pants in record time.

"Bella, I don't think we really have time for thi—"

She cut my protesting off, gripping my cock in her hand tightly and sucking just the tip of it between her pouty lips…hard.

Seriously, girl has a mouth like a Hoover. You're one lucky bastard, you know that, Cullen?

Fuck yes!

"Fuck, yes!" I reiterated verbally, knowing that while Bella could probably guess what I was thinking most of the time, this statement really needed to be said out loud. As if I weren't hot enough already, my temperature skyrocketed as she slid her mouth over the entirety of my dick, keeping her hand at the base to help. "Jesus, Bella, you're so fucking hot…" I rambled as she started moving her head up and down my shaft, swirling her tongue around the head each time she pulled back. Our eyes locked, and the rest of the room melted away.

The noises coming from my mouth were completely nonsensical, just ramblings about how much I loved her and how stunning she was and how I saw Jesus every time she put her mouth on me, you know…the usual.

Within minutes, I lost it, coming and shoving myself as far down her throat as she would let me.

Oh the joys of having a hot, horny, and pregnant wife.

After finishing, Bella's eye caught sight of her snack, and she reached across my lap, brushing against my softening cock, to open the juice and chug half of it before putting it back on the bed and smiling widely. Her expectant eyes found mine, and I chuckled, realizing that she couldn't get off the floor (and subsequently, her knees) without my help.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you need a hand?" I joked, knowing that it was going to piss her off something fierce.

"Such a fucking ass," she grumbled. "We'll see when I help you come again…"

Her eyes narrowed, but before she could bare her teeth and potentially snip at my dick, I reached under her arms and helped her back to standing.

As I struggled to get my pants back on, Bella did her best to distract me by leaning down and pressing kiss after kiss to my lips. One of her tiny hands moved down, trying to prevent me from pulling my pants back up, but I knew there wasn't enough time before the concert…and any sexual activity we were about to engage in would just make her sweatier and eventually grumpier and…

"Belllla," I whined, trying to maneuver her hand away from my renewed erection.

"Please, bunny," she whimpered, crawling onto the bed and hovering over my lap.

With the whimpering and the begging and the hovering and those god damned fucking wide eyes, she knew I'd give in. Plus, it wasn't like my cock didn't want to be inside her, so naturally, I stopped fighting.

My fingers were halfway down her underwear when we heard a loud bang and a gasp and a stumble.

"Ah, crap…"

Our heads snapped towards the noise, only to reveal Riley with his hands over his eyes, trying to escape back to his adjoining room.

"Sorry!" He held his hand up in apology, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. "I didn't know you were here, Edward. I just came to tell the Missus she needs to go to hair and make up's room. Sorry!"

The door shut, and I slowly pulled my hand out of Bella's underwear, sighing as her head fell forward to lean onto my shoulder. "So, adjoining rooms. How did we forget about that one?" I joked. "Oh, I know." I pressed a soft kiss to her temple and lifted her head to look me in the eyes. "It's because my gorgeous minx of a wife tempted me with her giant rack, and I forgot to make sure our door was latched shut. Oops."

"Edward," she pouted, swatting my hands away from her chest. "You don't have to flatter me. I know I'm four thousand pounds and look gross and that's why we haven't had sex in, like, over a week."

My mouth dropped. Crazy pregnancy hormones were turning my Bella into an absolutely deranged moron.

"Bel, are you serious?" She nodded, her lower lip jutting out sadly. I was momentarily distracted by it and couldn't resist but to lean in and kiss it lightly. "We haven't had sex in over a week because we're touring and you're about to give birth any second now and you've been tired and too hot and…I thought I was being considerate. God damn it, woman! Next time, let me know when you want to fuck, don't not tell me and then assume I don't want to."

She finally cracked a smile and blushed. "Yeah, okay."

"We're going home tomorrow, and I promise the first thing we can do is get naked and christen every single room in our house, but right now…" I grabbed her ass, causing her to squeal and jump off my lap, giving me the perfect angle to smack it as she moved away "…we have a gig to do, okay?"

She bit her lip and nodded, swaying her hips as she rummaged through her suitcase with renewed enthusiasm, ready to perform.


Except, per usual, my life never went the way I wanted it to. Immediately following our final performance, Bella and I waved goodbye to Riley and Tyler and drove straight through the night to our new home, where we promptly passed the fuck out.

And for the next five days, we never had a second alone.

Our first morning, I was woken up by the worst noise known to man…my father…in my bedroom...flirting with my wife. No joke.

"…radiant, as always, Bella. We've missed you."

"You're always a sight for sore eyes, Carlisle," she giggled. She fucking giggled. I was in hell; I was sure of it.

I pushed myself into a sitting position and took in the sight before me. My dad was currently ogling Bella's tits, which were on display in a light blue sundress. I remember making her buy it in Phoenix because she'd been too hot to wear a bra under anything, so she got this, which had one built in. And it made her double-sized tits look doubly spectacular. But my dad wasn't allowed to fucking enjoy that view.

"This is like my worst nightmare," I grumbled as I rolled out of bed, heading straight towards Bella to wrap my arms around her expanded waist. My dad's eyes flicked down to my hands, and I wanted to yell at him again.

Yeah, mine. And my baby, too. What now, old man?

A wry grin spread across his face as he took in my obviously disgruntled appearance, and it only made me more irritated.

"Don't lie, Edward. I thought your worst nightmare would be if I were Bella's OBGYN. Then I could get a peek of—"

"Oh my God, what is wrong with you?" I gaped as Bella flushed and turned to hide her head into my bare chest.

My mom poked her head through the door, obviously having heard the conversation and laughed. "I think he just likes that he can still make Bella blush after all these years. Come on, darling, lets leave these two be for a little bit. The crib still needs to be assembled, and I know you won't be able to do it by yourself…"

My dad's brow furrowed. "Esme, don't be ridiculous. Of course I can fix the crib by myself…" he muttered angrily as he exited our room and headed down the hall towards what would soon be the nursery.

"You're welcome," my mom mouthed to me and winked before closing the door behind her.

"What the hell are they doing here so early?" I asked as I drew lazy circles with the pads of my thumbs over the curve of Bella's stomach, increasing the diameter with each sweep, so I was just brushing the underside of her breasts.

"Uhh…" She leaned her head back, twisting her neck so she could look me in the eyes, but hers then fluttered closed as I increased the pressure of my thumb. "Th-they, um, wanted to h-help finish setting up th-the nursery…ju-ust in case th-the baby, uh, c-comes early."

As I continued the movement of my right hand, I moved my left one to trace the low scoop neckline of the dress, barely reaching underneath the fabric. "But the baby isn't due for another two weeks, and I thought I promised you something about getting naked and christening every r—"

My sentence was interrupted as Bella moved my hands directly over her chest and tugged on my neck, forcing my lips down to hers. Yes, this was exactly how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

My tongue slid into her mouth as she angled her head further back. Her hands guided mine, helping me relearn what she liked with the added sensitivity of pregnancy. I trailed my kisses down her throat as she shifted in my arms to face me completely. I was hard as a fucking rock and couldn't wait to get off. Plus, it'd been forever and a day since I'd seen and heard Bella come for me, and I was dying for it.

I could feel my temperature start to rise, the room crackling with the energy of our untapped lust, as Bella's hand traveled from my neck and trailed down my chest and stomach slowly, all the way into my boxers.

I grunted loudly and reciprocated with a harder squeeze around Bella's breast. She squealed in response, and I couldn't resist going in for the kill and licking all around her magic spot before biting down lightly.

"Ung, Edward!"

"Edward—" I looked up suddenly, confused as to why both my parents voices were mingled in with Bella's voice moaning my name.

"I tried to stop him," my mom apologized as she grabbed my unblinking father's hand. "He finished the crib and wanted to tell you…and I wasn't fast enough."

As my mom spoke, I shifted our bodies so that my parents could no longer get a clear view of my erect cock…or Bella's hand wrapped around said cock…or my hands gripping Bella's tits. Seeing that no one was going to move, my mom took action. Thank god someone had any sort of cognitive awareness right now. "Come on, Carlisle, let's leave them be."

Just then, the doorbell rang, saving us momentarily. "I'll go get that. Uhh, sorry about that…" At least he had the decency to look somewhat embarrassed. Although, it was nowhere near the level of embarrassment Bella was currently showing on her face. She looked like she wanted to sink into the floor and be swallowed whole, Nightmare On Elm Street style.

The door shut behind my parents, and I moved to pick up where we left off when I heard Emmett's voice bellowing down the hall, "Where's my baby bro and his baby mama?"

Before the door could swing open, Bella quickly removed her hand from my boxers and straightened out the neckline of her dress, pushing her boobs back down and out of my sight. Sad times.

"In here!" she called out brightly. Only Bella would put up with this cock blocking shit from my family. As it was, I was ready to murder them. "Sorry, bunny," she shrugged.

And the week only got worse from there.

With the weather at an all time record high in Chicago, Bella had been unable to wear anything more than a sundress each day…and she often made the point of telling me that she wasn't wearing underwear. But of course, I couldn't do anything about it.

We legitimately never had a fucking second to ourselves. Whether Rosalie was spoiling Bella with salon treatments, because, and I quote, "she needed to get that shit done before she popped that shit out," or Emmett was organizing our CD collection in alphabetical order by genre, or my dad was fixing our central air system, we were constantly surrounded by a brood of people. And Bella got so hot at night that every time my hands would slide toward her, she'd smack them away.

By the time the fifth day rolled around, I was ready to snap. My cock was cranky. And finally, that day at lunch, I let my family know it.

Everyone had just gathered at our kitchen table with their sandwiches, and I chuckled, looking at the accoutrements on the counter—most prevalent were the two bottles of cheese whiz because Bella insisted on eating it on everything, seriously, everything—when I felt small hands wrap around my waist. I raised my arm and let Bella's head sneak through. She looked up at me with her wide eyes and pressed her soft curves into my side.

"Bunny," she whispered sadly.

"Yeah?" I pressed a light kiss to the top of her head as I watched my family dole out the food. "What's the matter, Bel?"

"I need to feel you inside me." She paused and licked her lips before biting down on the bottom one, her expression changing from sad to wicked. "…soon."

My cock strained in my shorts as she sashayed to the counter to make her own sandwich, and I was positive that had my family not been completely focused on the meal in front of them, they would have all pointed and laughed at the major tent I had just pitched.

I walked quickly behind her, pressing myself as close to her back as I could, letting her feel everything I had to offer her. I loved that she shuddered, and I could visibly see her nipples perk up. God damn, I loved this woman. "After lunch, everyone's going home, and I can't wait to feel you come around my cock."

She tilted her head back to see me, but I disappeared quickly, pulling out a chair and sitting next to Jasper before she could respond. Through out lunch, Bella ate her sandwich as seductively as humanly possible, and that girl definitely knew what she was doing. My eyes were attached to her mouth, and my dick was only getting progressively harder watching it. I kept flashing back to the last time I had gotten any—on tour, with Bella's hot mouth wrapped around my cock. And fuck, I couldn't fucking wait to repeat.

As soon as everyone had finished his or her sandwiches, and I was getting ready to pounce onto my wife, Emmett called out something about a baseball game…and the entire fucking family got up and moved into our den. Hence, the snapping.

"No!" I shouted, pointing my finger at each one of them as they settled into the couch. "No, no, no, no, no!"

Emmett's mouth dropped, and my dad's grip on the remote loosened, causing it to fall from his grasp.

"What?" he asked.

"Everyone needs to leave my house." None of them made a movement, so I continued with more explicit directions. "Um, now would be good."

Bella stifled a giggle, and it took all my restraint not to unleash my wrath on her, too. After all, she was going to be putting out for me momentarily.

"But…the game…" Emmett sounded so confused, like a little boy who had been scolded and had his favorite toy taken away.

Rosalie got the point first and grabbed my stupid brother's hand, pulling him off the couch. "Come on, you lug. Bella and Edward haven't had the chance to enjoy their house by themselves yet. And they clearly want us gone."

As soon as Rosalie announced it, the entire family caught on and awkwardly shuffled out, each one slapping a hand to my shoulder as they passed me by.'

Within seconds, Bella had me pressed up against the wall, her hands firmly placed against my hips and her lips assaulting mine.

"You are way…too…hot…when you…take…control," she growled in between her kisses.

A wicked idea flashed through my mind. I knew how much I loved when Bella took control; I hadn't even really considered that she might feel similarly about the situation in reverse.

I chuckled softly and pulled away, cocking an eyebrow at her flushed face. "Oh, really, now?"

Her eyes darkened at my expression, and a small shiver ran through her body as I spun her in my arms quickly.

"What the—"

"No talking, Bel. I've waited too fucking long to get you alone to have you try and fight me on this."

"Why would I fight you?" she giggled as I steered her toward the arm of the couch.

"Grab that pillow," I instructed, "and that one, too."

With a slow nod, Bella placed the two pillows on top of one another, creating a soft tower of the perfect height for her to lean on as I pulled down my shorts, finally letting my erection free.

"Now, bend over."

Not even a second later was Bella's heaving chest pressed up against the pillows, giving her rounded stomach the support it needed…and me, the best fucking view I could possibly imagine.

My patience had worn thin about five days ago, and as soon as I'd pulled Bella's underwear to her ankles and allowed her to step out of them, I thrust myself inside her.

We both moaned in relief, letting go of the two weeks worth of sexual tension, giving in to even the smallest sensation. My hands roamed over her hips and sides, pushing her dress up higher so as not to completely overheat her, to which she whimpered a sigh of appreciation.

I pounded into her and closed my eyes. Everything felt so intense—the way she felt wrapped around me, the heat, the faint smell of sweat, even the sounds of her heavy breathing. I slid in and out, over and over again, never wanting this moment to end, but I could feel her walls starting to clench down onto my cock, a sure signal of her impending orgasm.

"Fuck, Edward, I'm so fucking close…"

And with her words, so was I. I could practically see my orgasm, hovering, waiting for her completion first, when the unthinkable happened.

No…no fucking way. This would only happen to you, Cullen…only you.

As Bella cried out, coming loudly, I pulled out and jumped backwards. Not that that helped much. Suddenly, my feet were drenched, hanging out in a puddle of, well, amniotic fluid.

Consider your erection now squelched, buddy. That shit is nasty.

"Uh, Bel?" I began tentatively, as she still lay arms stretched in front of her, fully relaxed from her orgasm.

Glad one of us could have one…

"Yuh huh?" she asked distractedly, her eyes still closed and a lazy smile across her face.

"Have you had any contractions today?"

That got her eyes open. She pushed herself up slightly and turned her head to look at me, confusion evident her eyes.

"No, I don't think so. Why?"

"Uh, cause I'm fairly certain your water just broke all over my feet."

And now I had her full attention. She righted herself all the way up, and I raced to grab her so she wouldn't slip on the puddle of fluid. Her eyes glanced down at the floor before staring back at me in panic.

"What?" she yelled, waving her arms around wildly. "But…but…it's not supposed to get here for another week!"

"Well, our cock blocking child didn't get the memo, Bel, cause I'm pretty sure it's coming now."

"Cock blocking?" Bella turned around in my arms and grabbed my still naked but recently flaccid cock. "Oh, bunny," she giggled. "I'm sorry."

I rolled my eyes and pushed her hand away. There really wasn't time for that right now. "I'm not." I kissed her quickly. "You're about to have our baby, Bel. Get in the car. I'll get your shit together and call everyone."

She sighed and rolled her eyes right back at me. "How about you put your pants back on and get my shit together, and I'll call everyone from the car?"

I nodded quickly and took off to our bedroom. My little psychic of a sister had packed Bella's duffle bag just yesterday. That girl and her god damned foresight…I'd never understand her uncanny ability to just "know."

Out of control.

And then, I paused…and started hyperventilating. Oh my fucking God. Bella was going into labor. Bella was having a baby. I was going to be a father! Holy fucking shit! Who the fuck let this happen? Who thought that this was even a remotely good idea? I could barely take care of myself, much less a living breathing child. I was by far the least equipped to deal with this. I was a musician, a douche bag, a tool…and a whole other slew of words that the media had used to describe me. Would my child grow up to be one of those spoiled celebrity children who ends up in rehab by age twelve? And what could I possibly do to ensure that—


I was distracted from my mental meltdown by a long blare of my car horn and remembered that, yes, I had a pregnant wife going into labor currently waiting on me.

Running as fast as my feet would take me, I booked it out of the house and into the car. Bella was still on the phone when I got there, and as I caught the tail end of her conversation, I immediately felt like shit.

"…no, don't worry…yeah, he just got into the car…yes, I'll ask him to speed…I love you, too, Rose…see you soon." She slammed the phone shut and began wringing her hands together in her lap.

"You okay?"

"Mhm." She nodded slowly, but as her head came down, I saw her jaw clench and her hands squeeze against one another. My Bella was clearly in pain.

"Oh, motherfucking shit, Bel. Don't lie to me now."

"Fine," she huffed. "This is starting to really fucking hurt, and if you don't put the car into drive and start speeding toward the hospital, I might be birthing our child on the passenger seat of your precious Volvo, so I highly suggest you move your ass into gear, Bunny."

"Sorry," I apologized, putting the car into drive and speeding off.

As I drove, the ipod shuffled first to Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy," and even Bella couldn't contain her giggling.

Instead of Lamaze breathing or any of that fucking bullshit, my Bella was breathing in and out to the cheesy rapping of Ludacris.

What's my name, what's my name, what's my name

Ah, the sauna, jacuzzi in the back row at the movie

You can scratch my back and rule me, you can push me and just pull me

On hay in the middle of the barn, rose pedals on the silk sheets, uh

Eating fresh fruits sweep your woman right off her feet.

"Will you get mad at me if I tell you it's really hot you know all the words to this?"

She giggled as she continued her steady breathing and looked at me with a coy smile. "Nope." She paused, her face morphing into one of solemnity before she continued. "But you know you aren't getting laid for six weeks, right?"

I gripped my hair and chuckled. "Yeah…fucking cock block."

Bella smacked my arm hard, just as I pulled into the parking lot, where my family was—of course—already waiting. All six of them. How they had beaten us here, I had no idea, but I was just insanely grateful when Emmett opened my door, winked, and pulled me out.

"I'll park the car, bro. You go be there for your baby. And by baby, I mean Bella."

I rushed up to the entrance to hear Bella whisper yelling at Alice, but…she was pretty bad at keeping her voice down.

"No, Alice! It's fine! I'm not wearing underwear anyway!"

Alice's face scrunched up with confusion. "Why the hell not?" she prodded.

"Umm…" Bella's face flushed, and my dad burst into loud guffaws, disrupting the entire emergency waiting room with his obnoxious laughter.

"That's why you kicked us out?" my dad snickered. "At least tell me you got some before this all went down."

I sighed loudly and pulled at my hair, trying to avoid everyone's gaze, despite the fact that I could feel it boring holes into my head. My dad clapped his hand to my shoulder and chuckled again. "Oh, man, it's going to be a long six weeks for you, kid. I am sorry."

"GAH!" Bella screamed out, interrupting my father/son humiliation time.

I rushed over to her, letting her squeeze all the blood into my fingertips as she growled at me. "Bel, what is it? Is everything okay?"

"Edward," she spat at me. "It's going to be a lot fucking longer than six fucking weeks until we have sex. This sucks! I fucking hate you for knocking me up. You and your demon seed!"

Hey, now, I do not have demon seed.

Hahaha, let's hope she doesn't pop out a demon…like Cordelia in season four of Angel. That'd be something to see for sure. Except I'd feel really bad if my child were responsible for the apocalypse…

Shut the fuck up, dude. Your wife needs you focused, NOW!

Coming to, I realized I was being forced into funny looking hospital clothes and pushed into the delivery room. Apparently, Bella was ready to go, like, minutes ago.

The doctor laid her back on the bed and pushed her legs up, and I suddenly felt nauseous.

"Wait." Bella, the doctor, and all the nurses in the room turned to me. Oh shit. "Um, isn't it too soon for this?"

"To give birth?" The doctor laughed and stuck his hand under Bella's gown. Even though I knew he was doing his job, I had the irrational desire to judo chop his hand off. I really fucking hated that he had his hands where my cock had been merely an hour ago. Not that I could deliver a baby…but still…it was the principle of it. "Sorry to disagree, Edward, but this baby is ready to come now."

Bella propped herself up more, shaking slightly. "But Edward's right, isn't he? I thought first babies were supposed to come late, and then, the labor usually takes hours. My water broke without any contractions and now the baby is ready to come now? Fuck! There has to be something wrong. And motherfucking god damn shit, this hurts!" she cried out, slumping down against the pillows, unable to hold herself up any longer.

The panic was evident in Bella's voice, and I immediately rushed to her side again. I couldn't believe I'd been standing idly by, watching my wife's anxiety ricochet out of control. And most of it was my fault.

"Sorry. I'm sorry," she apologized.

"No, Bella. You have nothing to apologize for. I'll be frank with you. It's unusual that it happened this way, yes. But your baby is going to be perfectly healthy. And it wants to come and meet you sooner rather than later. It will all be fine. Please, you have nothing to worry about."

Bella sighed loudly, relief coursing through her body and mine as well. When suddenly a contraction caused her to wrench my hand back with hers. I nearly cried out in pain as she came down with a mild case of Tourrettes. "Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, motherfucker that hurts like a bitch!" As the contraction continued, Bella's grip on my hand increased, and pins and needles started prickling my fingertips.

Yes, because losing blood flow is exactly what I need to stay conscious during this.

"Uh, Bel," I coaxed, trying to pry her fingers off mine, but I was met by a glare so fierce that I recoiled immediately.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I swear to fucking God, if you try and put your dick anywhere near my crotch ever again, I'll shove a razor blade up there like that fucking terrible movie Teeth and castrate you! Eunuchs can't get me pregnant!"

Her anger was explosive, and I was truly frightened of her for the first time, maybe ever. She was always such a cute angry person, but this…this was not cute. This was fucking psycho. And I wanted to keep my cock in tact and attached to my body, thank you very much.

"Cullen, stop fucking staring at me like that. I am serious! Are you listening to me? You and your torture device are never making a trip to my promised land ever agaaaiiiin!" She screamed out the last word, sweat starting to collect on her forehead and her neck. I took me a second to realize that I was feeling pretty clammy too.

Is it really hot in here or something? It feels like she's about to give birth in a sauna, for fuck's sake. This cannot be a good idea!

"Okay, Bella, I'm going to need you to push now," I vaguely heard the doctor call. My breathing became labored as Bella's eyes widened and panic coursed through my body. I wasn't ready for this…not at all! Pushing, breathing—fuck—I didn't know how to do any of this shit. And as the doctor counted to three, everything faded to black.


"…Bunny?" I heard a small voice call out. "Edward? Are you okay?"

Ouch. I opened my eyes and the room slowly came into focus. Bella was leaning over the rail of her hospital bed, her eyes bleary but concerned. Where the fuck am I?

My hand moved to my head, which was feeling pretty tender, when my knuckles came into contact with the cool floor.

"Bel?" I asked, confused as fuck as to how I ended up on the floor.

"Ah, he's awake!" the doctor called out. "Can someone give him a hand up?"

A nurse shuffled to my side, and as she moved, I saw it…this little goo-covered, alien-looking, red blob. The nurse held out her hand, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screaming creature in the doctor's arms.

"Congratulations, Edward. You have a beautiful baby girl. Do you want to cut the cord, Daddy?"

And as the pressure on my hand increased, everything faded to black again.


A soft sob brought me out of my haze, and my head spun in the direction of the noise, not caring that I was still exceptionally light headed. I scrambled to stand, but the nurse shook her head sternly and helped me up slowly.

Thanks for not allowing me to pass out a third time, helpful hospital attendant. Because twice wasn't bad enough.

Oh fuck, my father was so going to have a field day with this, but the moment I locked eyes on Bella and my, gulp, daughter…I couldn't bring myself to care.

I approached the bed and sat down on the thin blanket, taking everything in.

She looked a lot different than the last time I'd seen a peek of her.

My daughter was half swaddled in a pink blanket and a white hat, looking completely content as Bella nursed her, crying quietly. Baby girl was now completely clean, her skin still pink, but only looking flushed like her mother's. Her eyes were open, the murky bluish brown, taking everything in as she fed for the first time.


The small thing looked just like Bella. And when I say just…I mean JUST. The shape of her face, the sparkling curiosity in her eyes, even her full pouty lips were an exact replica of her mother's.

"Just wait for it, Bunny. You're going to die," Bella chuckled through her tears.

In almost slow motion, she pulled the small white hat from the baby's head, revealing a mess of bronze hair, sticking up in every which direction. My eyes darted from her small face to Bella's crying one multiple times before I felt my face break into a wide smile. Unable to help myself, I leaned in and pressed kiss after kiss to Bella's lips.

"Well, at least you know she's definitely yours," I heard my dad call from behind me. I groaned and leaned my forehead against Bella's, trying to ignore his snickering. "Which is a good thing, seeing as how you weren't conscious for the actual birthing part. Yup. They actually had to call me in to give Bella some moral support, but I did it from the foot of the bed so I could get a good view of—"

"WHAT?" I gasped, my head spinning around, only to be met with the grinning, teary faces of my mother, father, siblings and their spouses, all huddled in the door way.

"Just kidding," he smirked. Although it didn't escape my notice that his eyes lingered on Bella's exposed breast longer than was completely necessary. In fact…everyone's eyes were there…except for Emmett, who was shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot and staring at the linoleum floor.

Finally, Rosalie broke the silence. "Okay, Bella, please put your boob away so I can meet my niece without checking you out, too."

As though she'd understood Rosalie's command, Baby Girl (which was what I'd decided to call her, since Bella and I had been to preoccupied on tour to come up with any names whatsoever) moved away from Bella's chest, yawned and reached a tiny fist towards…me.

"Edward, can you hold her so I can…" Bella asked, motioning to her exposed chest.

"Uh huh," I nodded dumbly as Bella shifted the little mass of limbs, blankets, and copper hair into my arms. "Hi, baby," I whispered as my family shuffled closer, approaching the bed with trepidation. "I'm your Daddy."

Baby Girl yawned again, and I couldn't resist tracing the outside of her soft cheek with my index finger. Sneaky little bugger caught my finger, though and wouldn't let it go as her eyes fluttered closed. If I hadn't been sitting down, I would have for sure passed out again.

"Oh my God, that is possibly the sweetest thing I have ever seen," Alice cooed, peering over my shoulder. "She loves you, Edward."

"Or she just wants to make up for lost time already," Emmett snickered, and my dad fist bumped him behind my mother's back.

I frowned and shifted, causing Baby Girl to whimper in my arms.

"See, Baby Girl doesn't like it when you're mean to me either," I explained, shushing her and calming her immediately.

"Baby Girl?" Rosalie interjected.

"Um, yeah, we didn't really come up with a name, did we?" Bella laughed.

"Jas," Alice whispered, "I want one."

I would have given money to have seen my best friend's face in that moment. Lucky for me, the sound of his voice was enough.

"What?" he choked out. "Ali, we just got married…there is no need to hurry. Seriously. We're not Bella and Edward…" His sputtering made me laugh, and I looked up when I heard Bella's laughter join my own.

"Yeah, and I'm WAY too young to have more than one grandchild," my dad complained.

A fully clothed Bella looked me up and down, her eyes filled with adoring and compassion as she leaned forward and whispered against my lips. "It's good to be home, Bunny."

And it most definitely was.

Chapter End Notes: All right, chickadees. I love you all. And I will see you soon-ish (hopefully) for outtake #2!

xoxo, Charlotte