I don't own Bleach!
a/n: Sorry for the long update everyone! I have been really busy lately, so I hope you can forgive me! XD Anyway, before I say anything else, i know everyone wants to read first! So go ahead and enjoy! Oh right, can you guess who is which dwarf? Please include with your review and the winner gets...something! XD I'll decide!
Chapter 8: Porcelain White and the Seven Shrimps (Snow white and the seven dwarves)
Once upon a time in winter, all the Queen's slaves went out to chop wood in the forest and the Queen was left by herself at home. She was mad to bits. It was cold, the fire was slowly running going out, and so she chucked some wood in the fire and in the process burnt her dress a little. She got pissed and sat down on her bed, and thought random thoughts.
"Oh I wish I had a daughter with skin as white as porcelain, lips as red as the fire, and hair as black as my toilet seat…"
And so the queen had a kid with skin as white as porcelain, hair as black as her toilet seat, but unfortunately the lips turned out to be black and white as well. Not to mention it was a guy. But she made him live on as a girl anyway. So, after having a kid, the Queen died.
Because of this incident, the King decided to remarry. He married a woman who was extremely vain, ahem, I mean extremely beautiful but vain. My bad, wrong way around. Moving along; people thought she was crazy because she always talked to a mirror but no one said a word because she was so scary.
There were always rumours of her saying 'Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who is the prettiest of them all?' To which they said the mirror would reply 'When you say 'them all', what do you mean by that? Of the people here? Then you are.' The Queen, Luppi, was satisfied with this answer, as she knew her stupid, dumb, idiotic, foolish, silly, thick, dense, brainless, slow, dim-witted, ridiculous, daft, crappy mirror couldn't forge another better answer than that.
But there was one thing that particularly scared her. Porcelain white. Also know as, Ulquiorra. Her hair was as black as the toilet seat, and her skin like porcelain. Something which Luppi didn't have. Her hair was only ebony, not that that of a (worn out) toilet seat, and her skin was nowhere near porcelain. It was more like a light shade of cream (in other words, skin colour).
Back on topic, the Queen was scared of her because she had the potential to be much more beautiful than herself. Which she would not tolerate from anyone. Not worrying about it, since she was still the most beautiful, she went back to her room and asked her stupid, dumb, idiotic, foolish, silly, thick, dense, brainless, slow, dim-witted, ridiculous, daft, crappy mirror the question again.
"Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who is the prettiest of them all?"
"It's you…" The mirror replied in a bored way.
"Of course it's me." Luppi flicked her hair.
"Actually I was kidding, bitch. It's Ulquiorra." The mirror stuck his tongue out (obviously it was in the mirror too. The guy lived in the mirror for gods sake, why wouldn't his tongue be in there as well?).
"What did you say?" Luppi picked up a bat.
"I mean, it was just a joke that Ulquiorra's prettier than you. Like, you're the best, you know, like, yeah." The mirror stared at Luppi. "…just put the goddamn bat down now, will you?"
Angered after hearing the news from the mirror that Ulquiorra was more beautiful than him, Luppi sent out one of his slaves to go kill Ulquiorra so that then he would not be beaten by someone who cleaned the floor.
"Yylfordt! Come here!"
"I want you to go out and kill Ulquiorra. Then after that, bring her heart back so I can eat it."
With a disgusted look on his face, Yylfordt replied, "…yes, ma'am. I'll do it right away."
"Good, I've already sent her off to the forest. Just go there and kill her for me."
Yylfordt nodded and headed off into the forest.
"…Hello? Is anyone here?" Ulquiorra walked around the forest. "…Damn…I should've pretended there was no one in the toilet…" She muttered under her breath as she began to try to make her way back to Luppi's castle.
"Halt!" Yylfordt came from behind Ulquiorra. "Under the queen's orders, you must die, Porcelain White!" He took his sword out and readied himself for action. "DIE!"
Yylfordt charged at Ulquiorra at full speed. Ulquiorra swiftly dodged this obvious move and caused Yylfordt to crash into the tree behind him, falling over, and doing a face plant right into the dirt on the ground.
When Yylfordt picked himself up, Ulquiorra almost burst out laughing because he looked so similar to his cleaning companion Zommari.
"…Tch…" Ulquiorra covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing.
"Why you…you'll pay for that!" Again, Yylfordt charged at Ulquiorra. Each time hitting a tree, followed up with a face plant.
~1 hour later~
"Haa…haa…gah…" Yylfordt gasped for breath. He had chased Ulquiorra around for a full hour and all his attempts at killing her had proved to be futile.
"Can I go home now?" Ulquiorra leaned on a nearby tree.
"Are you still trying to kill me?"
"Shut up…! But don't…go home. The Queen's…gonna kill you! Run away!"
"Why are you helping me when you just tried to kill me?"
"Oh, I get it. It's because you can't kill me." A very true fact indeed; very bluntly pointed out by Ulquiorra.
"Shut up! That's not it! I'm just…being nice! Ahrg!!" Humiliated and embarrassed by Ulquiorra's words, Yylfordt was definitely not planning to tell the truth any time soon.
"Yeah, yeah. Now where do you want me to go?" Ulquiorra looked of into the distance. There didn't seem to be much.
"I don't know…just anywhere! And don't ever come back!"
"Whatever you say. Thanks." Ulquiorra began walking off into the distance. She had no idea where she was going or why she even listened to Yylfordt. She couldn've gone back and killed the Queen with her own hands, being the way she was.
Seeing as Ulquiorra had listened to what he said, Yylfordt instead began to hunt a rabbit. He would take the rabbit's heart and give it to the Queen. What was the difference? A heart was a heart, wasn't it?
["Szayel! Psst!" Yylfordt tapped his brother, who was conducting an experiment, on the shoulder.
Szayel turned around quickly. "What? Yylfordt?!"
"Do you think this is close enough to a person's heart?" Yylfordt showed Szayel the rabbit heart.
Szayel looked at Yylfordt in disbelief. "You're joking, right?" Was his older brother that stupid?]
"I swear I am in the middle of nowhere." Ulquiorra looked to the side. Another random waterfall. How many had she been past? "It looks exactly like the one I saw the last time I came across one." Ulquiorra got the feeling that she was going around in circles. Maybe she was.
"Hey, look, I can see something over there." Through all the tall trees in the forest, she could see a small log cabin looking thing. "I'll just take shelter there for now."
She went up to the building. It seemed the closer she got, the bigger she got. Oh wait, wrong way around. The house was getting smaller. Or so it seemed.
"Gee, this place is small. I never realised. From afar it looked so big. Well, can't be helped." Ulquiorra knocked on the door.
There was no reply.
"Hello?" She knocked again. Still no reply.
"…" She looked through the windows of the house to see if anyone was inside. Not anyone she could see anyway.
"Oh, what the fuck? Let's just go in." Seeing it pointless to just wait outside, Ulquiorra let herself into the house.
It was quite the odd house. Everything was small. The chairs were small, the tables were small, the beds were small, there was a small piano, a small kitchen, a small fireplace, a small…
Okay, we get the point now, everything was small.
"How…bizarre…I wonder why kind of people live here? Leprechauns?" Ulquiorra took it upon herself that this house was abandoned and did whatever she wanted to. She stole (well, used) their food supply and ate it, played on the miniature piano, and then fell asleep across 3 beds. Little did she know that this house was, indeed, occupied.
"Man…that was sure hard work…*yawn*"
"Hard work?! All you did was sleep the whole time! Hmpf!"
"…Well, let's just go home and have a rest."
"*achoo!* Ehehe, don't mind me, but sure thing!"
"The person who gets into the house last has to cook!"
"Oh my. Look at them all run! I guess I'll have to cook again…"
"What the fuck there's someone in our house!" Yammy angrily pointed to a figure who was sleeping across three beds.
"Oh, and who might that be?" Aizen followed Yammy in to take a closer look.
"Ahh…" Wonderweiss trailed after.
"Oh, dear. The girl is sound asleep! We better not wake her up!" Gin replied happily.
"*Achoo!* Not wake her up? But this is our house though, isn't it?" Nel just couldn't stop herself from sneezing. She practically did it 24-7 and the first night everyone met her they were afraid that they were all going to catch the flu.
Actually, speaking of the first night Nel came over, everyone refused to go near her or eat any food let alone inhale the air. It was contaminated with Nel's 'traces' and hardly safe for breathing in. Wonderweiss almost got sent to hospital.
"Of course it's our house, *yawn*," Stark's eyes began to droop, "if it wasn't out house, whose house would it be? We're the only ones that live hereeee…"
"Oh, dear, he's fallen asleep again~," Gin looked at the ground, and then back at Ulquiorra, "Now, shall I wake her up, Aizen-sama?"
"Sure, go ahead."
Gin went to the kitchen and picked up the butter knife. He held it in front of him. "Wake her up, Shinso!"
There was a silence as everyone watched Gin. However, nothing happened. "Oh dear! This isn't Shinso!" Gin put the knife down and opened the drawer. "Oh, here he is!" He tried again.
"Wake her up, Shinso!" The sword extended, and extended maybe a bit too much. The force was too much and dragged Gin along with the movement of the sword. "Oh, bugger!"
Shinso shot right into the wall and Gin slammed right into Ulquiorra, giving them quite the wakeup call.
"Uhnnnn…" Ulquiorra sat up from her slumber. "What the hell…?" She put her hand on her head, where Gin had slammed right into.
Gin hurriedly pulled his sword out and ran back to stand next to Aizen.
"…!! Who are you?!" Ulquiorra jumped. She hit her head on the ceiling, but nevertheless, continued to stare at the seven shrimps in front of her.
One was on the floor sleeping, another sneezing like hell, one hiding behind another, one crossing his arms in an angry manner, one retarded one with a sook-like look on his face, a very happy one which kept smiling and one which seemed to be a leader.
And they were all shrimps.
"We should be *achoo!* asking you that, freak!" Nel held an unfriendly gesture.
"Well excuse me, miss shrimp—I mean, miss." Ulquiorra snapped back.
"Can't you see the sign that says that this house belongs to someone?!" Yammy pointed out the sign at the top which read 'Property of the seven dwarves'.
"How was I supposed to know? I thought it was some retarded slogan."
"Shut the hell up you stupid bogan."
Even though she was getting nowhere, and things were just turning into a pointless argument, Ulquiorra was not going to give up yet. She couldn't go home anyway, so maybe she'd force her way into their house. Or just kick those stupid shrimps out. Either way would work out.
"Okay, fine. My name is Ulquiorra," Ulquiorra was looking for the right words to say at this moment. Couldn't screw it up now, or she'd just might end up spending the night in the mine and getting blown up the next morning, "and I've come here to…um…Oh, for gods sake, just say something…ANYTHING!...ah…seek shelter…"
"No way! Can I just kill her already, Aizen?" Yammy started cracking his knuckles. Then he crossed his arms.
"My, my. Violence is not the answer, Yammy," Gin said it almost too happily that it seemed like a joke, "…but it is an answer." He quickly finished off at the end.
"No way! I dun want her to stay here, Aizen!" Nel waved her arms and sneezed in the process while trying to catch Aizen's attention.
"Hmm…ok. You can stay," Aizen walked closer up to Ulquiorra, "But on one condition."
"Oh? And what kind of condition is that?" Ulquiorra smirked. She was not to let them get the better of her. How bad could it be anyway? If she was paying the fees, she'd just send them all to Queen Luppi with the title crossed out on the letter and replaced with water bills. She wouldn't notice the difference; especially with people like Yylfordt around her.
"You have to cook, clean, make the beds, do all the housework while we're away, and…umm…okay, I'll just say it bluntly. You're gonna be our slave, I mean, maid. Deal?"
Ulquiorra crossed her arms for a second and thought. Well, she wasn't really a slave. All she had to do was whip some dinner up and make the bed. So it wasn't so bad. Good thing she had taken cooking classes before. Even though they were from Orihime. Oh well, they probably couldn't tell the difference anyhow.
"So deal or no deal?" Aizen repeated.
"…No deal! I'll take the money; I mean, DEAL!"
"Good!" At that moment, a grin of evil crossed Aizen's face.
Back in the castle, Queen Luppi was pleased that Ulquiorra had been killed. Now she was the best again. And she even gave Yylfordt a promotion to one of her elite guards as well. Smart choice, considering what he did (from her perspective, anyway).
She went up to her room, and approached her stupid, dumb, idiotic, foolish, silly, thick, dense, brainless, slow, dim-witted, ridiculous, daft, crappy mirror again. Asking the same question as always.
"Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who is the prettiest of them all?"
"Are you mad?! How many times a day do I have to answer this?!"
"Oh, fuck you! This is the first time today!"
"Blah! Bullshit! You asked me at lunch!"
"Shut it! Just answer my frikin' question!"
"Okay, fine! Well, it's not you, bitch-face! I already told you it's Ulquiorra! BLAH!"
Then the mirror, well, the guy in the mirror, went back into the mirror, and disappeared from the Queen's sight.
After hearing that, Yylfordt was immediately demoted.
"Okay, so you'll have to do this by the time we come back from mining. I don't have much time to explain, so I'll just give you this list." Aizen handed Ulquiorra a list of what she had to do for the day.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll do it." She watched as the seven shrimps went out of the house and into the mining area. "Okay, let's see what I have to do," She read the first dot point on the list, "make the beds. Note: Clean up any other mess with it. You'll see what I mean." Uquiorra spread a look of confusion on her face.
"You'll see what I mean?" She walked into the room where they slept in. There were seven midget beds, and all of them were all untidy. She was just making the beds up, and shoving random pieces of clothing back into the drawers when she went up to a bed and felt something wet.
"Fuck!" She pulled her hand out. It was Wonderweiss's bed. And there was drool all over it. Cautiously, she stripped the bed sheets, and chucked them into the clothes washer, and fixed some new sheets on it. Luckily his drool hadn't soaked to the core of his bed. Now that would be bad.
Finishing up, she looked at the next dot point on the list. "Mop the floor, wipe down the windows and furniture." Well, that wasn't too hard. Except that everything was small and so light she was freaked she was gonna break the window by poking it too hard. Finishing that up, she looked at the final dot point on the list.
"Cook something for us to eat. Make sure it's still hot and steamy by the time we get back. You'll find some ingredients in the fridge." Putting the list down, Ulquiorra headed off to the kitchen.
"Now lets see what we've got here…salmon, spinach, beef, onion, leek…" She looked deeper into the fridge, "cheese, bread, wine, milk…" She was wondering what she should make with them. She could just make some simple bread, but then they might complain that it's not hot or something, so she decided to go with some stew instead.
"Boil some water…put some onion, cheese and spinach in…I'll just stir that for a bit. Now, I'll chop up some leek…and put it in. Let it simmer…add some milk and put the lid on…wait one minute…I'll just cut up the salmon while it's going…Now it's been a minute, and I'll just chuck some of this salmon in along with more cheese…season it a bit…and I'll rip up some bread and put it in. Done! Oh, almost forgot the wine. Just a little…crap! Too much! Oh well. That's okay. It's not too much. But now that's all good to go."
"We're home, dear~!!" Gin opened the door and happily ran to the dinner table, the others trailing behind him.
"Cool, you guys are right on time. I just finished my salmon stew." Ulquiorra picked up the large pot and placed it in the middle of the table. Then she served it to each of their plates.
Eager to eat, the shrimps ignored the look of the food.
"This…this food…" Aizen began. "This food is…"
"Hm?" Ulquiorra looked at Aizen. "Do you like it?"
"THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFIC, DISCUSTING, GROSS-EST FOOD I HAVE EVER TASTED IN MY LIFE!!! DO I LIKE IT, YOU ASK? WELL, YOU WANNA ASK THAT AGAIN?!" Aizen stood up on his chair, yelling madly at Ulquiorra.
"…Do you like it?" Ulquiorra had no idea what Aizen was talking about. She followed the recipe that Orihime taught her correctly, and did everything she needed to do to make a salmon stew. So she didn't understand why Aizen was so mad. It was just a joke and he liked it, right?
"This is the last straw, bitch! You're fired!" Aizen pushed Ulquiorra with all his strength, which in reality didn't do much.
"I was never hired!"
"Get out of my face! You're making me wired!"
"Give me a second chance!"
"Pass me my gigantic blue lance!"
"You've got a hole in your pants!"
"Why are we in some rhyme-y trance?!"
"Damn that stupid Yylfordt. Damn that stupid porcelain white…If he can't kill her, I will!" Luppi draped on her costume, well, poor disguise. She wore a mask, and draped a coat with a hood around herself, making her look like an old woman.
"And now…Szayel, where are you?! Bring me the poison apple!"
"It's right here, Milady." Szayel handed over t poison apple. "I'm sorry my brother did such a poor job. Won't you let me use him as a test to see if the poison in the apple works?"
"No, that's quite alright Szayel. I just want to kill Ulquiorra."
"And you might also want to put some gloves on. Your nail polish and your manicure really makes it stand out that you're not an old hag."
"Oh, right, I'll do that."
After a long night of arguing with Aizen, Ulquiorra got a second chance. She was cleaning Wonderweiss's bed when she heard someone knock on the door. Who would want to come to some crappy little house like this? Moreover, how the hell did they even find it, want to come here, or go through the frikin' forest feeling like you're walking in circles for ages before getting here?
Regardless, Ulquiorra went up to see who was behind the door. She opened it to find an old lady; and without even giving it a second thought, she spoke her mind.
"Sorry, I don't want your charity." And with that, Ulquiorra shut the door in the old lady's face.
She went to resume working, but then heard constant knocking on the door again. Geez, didn't this old lady's hand ever get tired?
Annoyed, Ulquiorra answered the knocking. The same old lady. "Seriously, hag, what do you want from me?"
"Would you like an apple? My husband and I were distributing some and I came across your house." Luppi held out the poisoned apple.
"Look hag, didn't I tell you I didn't want your charity?! Can't you leave me alone?!"
"Oh, please, just take this one apple. It's the only one I have left—."
"Then eat it yourself."
Ignoring Ulquiorra's rudeness, Luppi went on. "…the only one apple I have left to distribute. Here, have it."
"…Uhrrggg…Okay, fine, but only if you leave me alone." And Ulquiorra slammed the door into the hag's face once again. Hoping she wouldn't knock again.
Luppi left, glad about the fact the porcelain white was going to die. But sad about the fact she didn't know how to get home.
"Stupid old fag. Why the fuck would she even want to give me an apple? So random. Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway. Don't waste it." Ulquiorra bit right into the apple.
Ulquiorra had dropped to the ground falling into blackness.
"Phew! That was a hard day!" Gin exclaimed as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.
"Let's see how our slave is doing…Ulquiorra, we're home!" Aizen looked around. "Ulquiorra?"
"Wahhhhh!!!" Nel screamed and pointed to Ulquiorra, who was on the ground, motionless.
"Oh my…what did she do to herself?" Gin kicked her in the side in an attempt to wake her up. No reaction.
"Maybe she was tired of cleaning and killed herself. Anyhow, you know that random glass coffin you once mined out, Yammy?" Aizen wasn't talking to anyone in particular.
"Yeah, that thing's out in the back. Why?" Yammy crossed his arms.
"Can I have it? We'll, just put her inside it."
And gosh, everyone wondered just how much Ulquiorra weighed at that point in time.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm lost again!" Grimmjow stomped angrily through forest. "Where the fuck am I?! This is the fifth waterfall I've seen! I better not be walking in circles…"
He was about to give up and take a nap in the middle of nowhere when he saw a house and heard a lot of noise coming from there. So instead, he went into the direction of the house instead of napping.
There, he was seven shrimps with some chick in a coffin.
"Hey, hey, hey! What are you guys doing?" Grimmjow gave them a wave.
"We're discarding a dead body." Stark said sleepily while carrying the coffin containing Ulquiorra above his head.
"You're doing what?!"
"Discarding a dead body."
"Wait, you can't just do that!"
"Then what do you want us to do? Wanna kiss her or something 'cause you think she'll wake up from that?"
Grimmjow looked at the girl inside the coffin.
"What the fuck?! She has black and white lips! Is she even humane?!"
"I believe she is." Aizen had been listening the entire time. "So what? You wanna kiss her or something?" He ordered the rest of the dwarves to set the coffin down for Grimmjow to look at.
"I'm good. I think I'll pass."
"Really? Who said it was wrong to just discard a body when you don't know if the person's really dead or not?"
"Wait, so you don't even know if she's dead?!"
"Okay, fine, because it's wrong to just do something like that I'll do it."
"Okay guys, you can discard the body." Aizen pointed to the nearby lake.
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!"
"So you're kissing her now?"
Grimmjow sighed and put his hand on his head. "I guess I have no choice."
~ 1 day later ~
"Hahahaha! Now that porcelain white is dead, I'm the prettiest again! Right, my mirror?" Luppi turned to face the mirror, and asked the same question she had been asking for the last century (literally).
"Mirror, mirror, that's not meant to talk, who's the prettiest of them all?"
"Certainly not you, my lady! It's the princess in the castle to the West!"
Seeing that again, she was not the fairest, she just had to attend the wedding of the princess which lived in the castle of the West. At least she was glad that it wasn't Ulquiorra anymore. Or so she thought.
So the Queen went to the castle the next day, and much to her shock, it was Ulquiorra! How ironic! And because of all the bad things she had done, she was forced to dance on a hot pair of iron shoes until her death. Grimmjow had wanted to try them out for some time.
After story: "Szayel, why am I in lying on the table in your lab?" Yylfordt whined. He was strapped to it.
"Oh, don't worry Yylfordt. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay…" Szayel replied, as he walked closer with a scalpel in his hand.
a/n: So how was that? Please review thanks! And I can't say when I'll next update, because I'm working on one of my other fics as well, but I definately will! That, you can count on! I'm not sure which one I'll parody next, but it'll be one of the ones on my list on my profile. I'm still open for suggestion and I hope I'll see everyone again in the next chapter! Cheers!