"Oliver?" I muttered as the tears I shed hit the pillow.
He couldn't look at me as he responded, "Yes Lilly?"
"Are you serious?"
He sighed as he could hear the barely being able to breathe noises that were coming out of my mouth. "Yes. I can't do this. I don't love you."
My heart broke. "Are you sure you're not just having an off day or something?"
"No. I've liked you at some points Lilly, more than a friend. But I've never been in love with you." He still couldn't look at me, but I could tell he could hear my crying. "I'm sorry. You're my best friend, you're the last person in the world I want to hurt."
I weakly laugh. "I find that hard to believe."
"Would you rather I pretend to love you or tell you the truth?"
"It felt better when you were pretending..."
The sound of the pouring ran picked up after I said this, causing him to jump. "I hate the rain." He said, still not able to look at me, he was looking out the window, covering his arms.
"I love it." I quietly say. "It makes even the toughest times peaceful." And for the first time in about a hour, I sat up in my bed.
And when I did this, he looked over at me. He smiled, "You're actually sitting up. I was worried about you there for a while."
I barely smiled back, but did, because he was excited about something that had to do with me. "My head still hurts." I say, placing both hands on top of my head.
He sat up from the seat he was sitting in, and sat next to me on my bed. "I can fix that." He said, still smiling at me.
His hands graced the top of my head, and I let my own hands fall. I don't know for sure what he did, but somehow the headache went away little by little. It was still there a little bit, but it definitely didn't hurt as much as it had seconds before. "Thanks." I lightly smile.
"It's no problem." He says, and brings his own face closer to mine.
I hold my breath, wondering if what I thought was about to happen was what was actually going to happen. And I was right. He leaned in all the way, closing the gap between our lips. The kiss lasted what seemed to be forever, but at the same time, it wasn't long enough.
When it was done I brought my hands up to his face, "Do you still not love me?" I laughed quietly. He shot his head back, and looked at me, with wide eyes. "Oliver?"
"I don't. I can't. I don't know why I kissed you. I'm so used to it, and you're a good kisser. I don't know Lilly." He stood up.
"What do you mean you don't know?" I stood up along with him. "How can something that feels so right be so wrong to you? You can't tell me that those passionate kisses you give me mean nothing to you. Oliver. You can't tell me that." Tears were coming out again, slowly.
"Lilly. Please don't do this to me. I told you I didn't want to hurt you."
"Well you're doing a poor job of that." I wiped away some of the tears. "You kiss me, one of the best kisses you have ever given me. Then tell me you don't love me. I don't understand how you can think you're still trying to not hurt me."
"Lilly..." And he grabbed me in a hug.
"Stop it!" I yelled, getting out of his hug. My tears became heavier, and I covered my eyes. I sat down on my bed, and began rocking back and forth. I let my hands slide all the way to my upper back, letting my head rest in between my arms, my elbows on my knees. "I can't do this anymore."
I could feel him staring at me, puzzled on what to do next. And quite frankly, I didn't know what I wanted him to do either. Part of me wanted him to hold me. But I knew better now. That was until I felt a hand on my back, then my want for him to go away, went away. I wanted him there. I needed him there. His arm wrapped around me, and I released myself, and wrapped both my arms around him, which he followed my lead, and did the same thing.
He began rubbing my back, as my grip on him became tighter. "I love you." I muttered in his ear, not really caring about the fact that I would regret telling him that not much longer after this. I lifted my head from his shoulder, and looked up at him. He took away one of his arms from me, to wipe the reminder of my tears off my cheeks. "Please don't kiss me." I breathed out.
"I won't." He wrapped his arm around me once again, and tightened his own grip on me. "I'll be here for as long as you need to be, best friend." My breathing stopped again, as I thought of him considering me his best friend, not the girl he loved. "Are you ok Lilly?"
"No." I sniffled, and pulled myself from him again, and kissed him full on the mouth.
He pulled away from me in almost an instant. Now none of our body parts were touching. "Lilly. You just told me not to kiss you."
"You didn't kiss me. I kissed you."
"What's the difference?"
"Well if you kiss me, you're leading me on. But if I kiss you, I'm just acting on my feelings."
"Lilly... we can't be doing this."
"We're not. I am."
I tried kissing him again, only to be pushed away. "We can't do this." He kissed me on the cheek and stood up. He walked out of my room, as I followed closely behind. I thought he would stop at some point to tell me he did love me. To call me his best friend. To something. But not one stop occurred and not one word was muttered.
He didn't stop until he was outside on my front yard, standing in the pouring rain which he hated oh so much. "Oliver?" I quietly asked, standing infront of him, letting the raindrops wash off all the tears on my face.
"Lilly?" He looked at me, and all I wanted to do right then was try to kiss him, but instead I didn't. I looked at him, my eyes watering up, and I wondered to myself if he noticed, or if the rain was so overwhelming that he couldn't even pay attention to it.
I made my watered up eyes now noticeable by my heavy sniffle. "Why don't you love me?"
He looked at me with a broken look, trying to get the words to come out right, planning them ahead of time in his head. "I... don't know the reason why, honestly. You're an amazing girl. You're funny, you're absolutely beautiful. You can make any guy go crazy just by a look, I've seen it happen many of times. But to me, you are the girl I have grown up with. And I know how much people hate to be told this, but you're like my sister. My twin almost, because we've known each other for so long, and been so close the entire time. I love everything about you Lilly... but in the best friend way. You're witty. You don't take shit from anymore. Expect for me. Don't take shit from me Lilly." He put my hands in his. "Don't let stupid little Ollie get in the way of all those other amazing guys that are waiting for you. I'm seriously not worth all the time you have spent on me. I love you Lillypad, but in the way that no other girl will ever take away from you. The way of one sibling to another. Of one person who means the world to them to the other. I would do anything for you Lilly. But I could never be in love with you. Do you understand?"
My heart was still thumping loudly once he was done with his speech, and for some reason, I was now able to look at him in the eye. "Yes. I do understand." Yes, I really did understand. Even though it sucked, and I didn't want to understand it, I completely did.
"Do you really?"
I looked at the ground, taking my hand out of his. "Mhm."
"Good." He smiled. "And I understand too if you can't hang out with me for a while."
"I don't know if I can ever hang out with you..." I softly said, hoping he didn't hear me.
My wish didn't come true, "What do you mean you don't think you'd ever be able to hang out with me?"
"Oliver." I looked up at him. "Were you not listening earlier? I love you. You are sometimes the thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. On the days I know I'm seeing you, I try dressing cuter than I usually do. I ask you for a ride to places when I know it'll be out of your way, but I never bother to ask the person that it would be no problem for. When you look at me, my heart melts, and I can't think of anything besides you or what you're talking about. When we kiss, nothing, absolutely nothing in the world matters expect for your lips on mine. The smallest thing, like you calling me babe, getting me all giddy, like a retarded school girl. Nothing, no one in this world means more to me. Every time I'm with you I want nothing more than to kiss you, or cuddle up with you and watch a Disney movie. Hell, even your love of legos, video games, Star Wars, and Superheros doesn't annoy me... I think it's adorable. You mean the absolute world to me, and not in the sibling way. I'm in love with you. And I would do anything for you."
"Then please. Keep being my best friend. I need you kiddo."
I sighed heavily, and my voice changed because of me trying to hold back my tears. "I don't think I can."
His gaze to me still hadn't changed, as I realized his eyes were looking like they too were tearing up. "Lillypad..."
"Please." I looked at the ground again. "Don't call me that anymore."
"I've had that nickname for you since we've known each other."
"It still feels like a pet name." I frowned. "Thanks for everything Oliver."
"Do I... do I leave now?"
I still couldn't look at him as I said, "I think you should." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I love you..." I muttered for the very last time.
"I know you do. You're my best friend." He said, right before I felt the pressure that was once on my shoulder, go away.
"You're mine too." I quietly said back to him, but knowing him I knew he had heard me. Then I heard the sound of his footsteps walking away.
I still couldn't look up as I heard him drive away. It was once I couldn't hear the car anymore that I looked up. And that was it, he was gone. The boy I loved, and my best friend, he was gone. And I didn't know when he was coming back. Or if he was at all.
I sighed, and decided that even though my butt would become completely wet and gross, that I was going to sit on the ground. And I did. The soft mushy ground, and wet feeling came through my pants, and I didn't care in the least. The feelings of raindrops overcame me, and I looked up to the sky, wondering what was going to happen next. I didn't know, but I sure hoped it had to do with an incredible guy, and my friendship with Oliver being able to be fully what it once was.
The tears were still slowly coming, but in a different way now. No, they weren't happy tears, but at the same time they weren't sad ones. They were just there, landing on my face, rolling off my chin, and landing on my shirt, or the already wet ground, the tears not affecting either at all. And I preferred it that way. With no one knowing of my tears but myself. And soon enough, I had even tricked myself into thinking that it was only the raindrops that were falling from my face.
(I am in absolute love with this, just so you're aware. :) Please please pleaseeee leave me reviews. I'm super proud of this, and I'd like to know what you guys think of it.)