I do not own Star Trek, Uhura, the Oxford Linguistics Invitational or Slusho Mixes (the last two were mentioned in the Alan Dean Foster novel of the latest movie); if I owned Spock I'd be way too busy to write…

This story is completely OOC and nonsensical with some very short chapters. Please just go with it, focusing on the humor and not on the fact that Spock and Uhura are being played by Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

I made up The Steps and I borrowed Dr. Flenderson from another fandom. Even though I am a psychotherapist, I work with humans and know nothing about winning over Vulcans.

This was written in response to a challenge from RachelKarenGeller. I don't think it turned out quite the way she expected. I'll try to write the one she wanted someday, I promise!

I owe a great debt of gratitude to Ellen Conford's Seven Days to a Brand New Me. The book was published in 1982 and is still one of the funniest things I've ever read. While I did not steal directly from it, I was definitely informed by it. Thanks, Ellen. You know why.

Thanks to miss steph. She also knows why.

The smut will return in my next fic.

~*~How to Get the Vulcan You Want in Six Easy Steps by outtabreath~*~

~Part One of Fifteen: An Accidental Purchase~

There were three hundred books on getting the Human male you wanted to want you back; thirty-five on Betazoid males and five on Andorians; there was even one on how to make the Bolian you were in love with, love you, too.

There were none on the subject of Vulcan males.

Of course there aren't. No one other than me is stupid or crazy or masochistic enough to fall in love with a Vulcan.

And not just any Vulcan; oh no, I had to choose the one that's my teacher.

The door to my room slid open and my guilty fingers jumped across the computer screen.

"I was going to send out a search party for you," I said testily as my missing roommate shuffled her way into our room.

Unconcerned and oblivious, she stretched sinuously and yawned widely as she threw herself onto her bed. "Nyota, I am so tired."

"I'm not surprised. You haven't been home since yesterday morning."

Gaila smiled, "It was totally worth it."

"Aren't they always?"

"You better believe it. She rolled onto her stomach and smiled at me. "So what've you been doing? Strip 3-D chess, naked Vulcan martial arts, finding out what the Commander is hiding under his uniform and heinous haircut?"

"Studying for the Oxford Linguistics Invitational."


Gaila sat up and shook her head pityingly. "You, Cadet Uhura, need a new hobby."

"No, I don't. I love my work."

"But does it love you back?"

"My studies are very fulfilling. The thought that I am preparing for a career that will enable to me support the cause of the Federation and endeavor to bring peace to the galaxy fills me with accomplishment and pride."

"Wow! You sure are laying it on thick today. Fine, you're making me feel guilty. Give me the PADD, I'll help you study."

I glanced down at the PADD, trying to figure out how I was going to switch to a less incriminating screen.

Damn it!

The computer was cheerily thanking me for my purchase.

My spasmodic fingers had bought a book

How to Get the Man You Want in Six Easy Steps by Dr. Kelly Flenderson.