A/N: So, this is the first chapter of my brand new story. Thanks to Maggiemay14 for believing that I could pull of a more sarcastic, smut filled story, which is exactly what I am aiming for.

If you don't like constant cursing, lots of sex and possible group sex (I'm not sure yet) then this story is probably not for you. It will have my usual romance, tension, drama etc… but there will probably be more angst and a hell of a lot more sex.

I don't own twilight, I do own a lot of coloring books.


"Fuck," I muttered to myself as I pulled on my boy shorts and stalked out of my room. Sure it was nearing one in the afternoon, but who in the right mind was knocking on my door on my only day off in over two weeks. I had been out of the shower for a total of five minutes when the knocking started, and as I called out towards the hallway, my cries were clearly not heard, but there was no way I was going out there in a towel, even if it was Alice.

"Alice, if you forgot you're damned keys again, I will seriously beat you like a red headed step child," I said with a grin as I pulled down my white t-shirt and whipped open the door as my eyes slowly took in the man standing there.

"I'm looking for Alice?" he said strongly as my eyes couldn't remove themselves from his face. He had a strong jaw line and deep green eyes that were positively gorgeous. My eyes raked down his body and I noticed an intricate arm band tattoo peeking out on his forearm from under the blue of his tight t-shirt. "Um… Is Alice here?" asked green eyes as I finally woke from my reverie. Of course he was looking for Alice, I thought to myself grimly.

"No. she's at work. Call or something if you need to talk to her," I said as I turned around quickly and went to close the door behind me. His foot was suddenly in between the door and the jamb and he pushed it open lightly while I stared at him in utter disbelief.

"She said I could come over at one to see the apartment."

Oh hell no.

I knew we were in desperate need of a roommate since Rosalie had left us high and dry, moving in with her boyfriend Emmett, but I draw the line at some hot guy moving in with us. I had enough issues getting laid; I didn't need a constant reminder of it staring me in the face. Although, the things I could imagine me doing to his face suddenly flashed through my mind.

"Are you okay?" he asked as I stepped back tentatively and he walked into the apartment. I was certain I was now blushing five different shades of red, so I brought out snarky bitchy Bella, in an effort to scare this guy away.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I have a meeting with my parole officer soon, so can we step this up?" I asked in frustration as I jumped up on the kitchen island and he began to walk around the apartment. He raised his eye brow in curiosity but never responded to my words. "The free bedroom is down the hall on the left. There's a bathroom directly across from it."

"I'm Edward," he called out as he wandered into the bathroom and I simply huffed in frustration. I couldn't handle a guy living here, not that our previous interviewees had been any better. The first had been a woman in her mid thirties who was constantly quizzing us about cats. She apparently had a plethora of them that she wanted to bring with her and even though Alice and I technically had nothing against them, she was creepy as hell and we lied that there was a no pet policy in the building.

Our second choice had been a mortician. Definite no. Thirdly, we had a lovely twenty something year old woman who claimed she was stripping her way through medical school, although I figured she was stripping her way through medical appointments. Her breasts were the size of our couch, so Alice kindly informed her that the room was no longer available as we spent the next half an hour on the floor laughing our asses off at her. No one ever said Alice and I were nice.

"How's the neighborhood?" he asked casually as he strolled into the bedroom now and began to check everything out. The spare room had enough furniture for someone who was starting with nothing. There was a double bed, some night stands, a dresser and even a small desk. Although I never had any idea what Rosalie was doing with the desk, she probably used it as yet another surface to fuck Emmett on. If there was one thing I wasn't going to miss about her moving out, it was their screaming during sex.

"Oh, it's just peachy. Drug deals on the corner; a few random hookers if you look close enough. My favorite is the one in the tight jean shorts and the ripped shirt that says 'Classy Lassy' and there was a drive by a few days ago," I said with a quiet giggle. Our neighborhood was so fucking quiet it was like we lived in a cemetery; we hadn't even heard a single police car in the past three months. Alice had picked it out when we first rented the place two years ago, and she had done a thorough job in her selection. It had the lowest crime rate in the city and I don't think there was even a scratch of graffiti on any walls.

"Sounds great. It looks safe for my bike," he added as he strolled in the kitchen and opened the fridge like he owned the place. As he bent forward, I couldn't help but notice his defined muscles behind his tight shirt, or the way his jeans cupped his ass perfectly. Damn it. I wiped the drool from my mouth and came back to my senses.

"I'm sure there's a fence you can chain your ten speed to around here somewhere," I said with a nervous laugh, trying to sound funny.

"It's a Ducati and you don't chain it to anything," he replied, clearly thinking I was a fucking moron or something. The moment the word 'Ducati' slipped from his mouth, I was tempted to jump from the counter and peer out the window to see what he had. His tattoo and motorcycle all scream 'bad boy' but his behavior around me seemed different somehow, refined or something. "What's down there?" Edward asked as he pointed down the hallway to where mine and Alice's rooms were.

"That's the additional bedrooms. You don't need to concern yourself with those," I said calmly.

"Oh, that's a shame," he said as winked at me and sat down on one of our dining room chairs, looking right at me. "So… When is Alice supposed to be home?"

"I don't know. Do I look like her fucking assistant?" I snapped as he glared at me through narrowed eyes. "Why in the hell would you want to live with two girls anyways?"

"Simple. I need a place to stay and I want it furnished. I don't care if I am living with girls, guys or a traveling band of circus freaks. I have the three months rent she's asking for, in fact, I can offer more if it helps," he said calmly, clearly not disturbed by my angry bitch façade.

"You do have a job right?" I asked in frustration as I felt his eyes piercing mine. "We're not going to come home one day and find a grow-op in your bathroom will we?"

"Not likely. I bartend down at a place called 'Pure' down on Lincoln, and I don't think I'm a grow op kind of guy. I might be a social toker, but definitely not interested in growing the shit myself, that takes way too much effort," laughed Edward as I glared at him and tried to figure out if I had ever run into him at Pure before. Alice had taken me down there on several occasions to get completely wasted and potentially hook up, but we always stumbled home alone after giving out our old phone number to random assholes.

"Do you really think you can afford this place on a bartender's salary?" I snipped as his gaze penetrated mine as though he was trying to fuck me with his eyes. Damn it.

"I make great tips. The ladies are always generous with their money when I dazzle them with my smile, wit and other assets," said Edward coolly as he smiled at me crookedly and I honestly felt my panties dampen. Edward stood only moments later and handed me a slip of paper with his name and number on it. "Let her know I was here, give her my number… or keep it for you," he said with a grin as I involuntarily licked my lips and shuddered lightly as he moved closer to me. "I like the place. Have Alice call me."

Edward strolled from the apartment and closed the door tightly behind him as I threw my fist up against the door in frustration and locked it behind me. If I hadn't just showered minutes before he arrived, I would be climbing back into that shower with my detachable showerhead for a few moments of Bella time. I ran into my bedroom and grabbed my cell phone to call Alice, but as I expected, I got her voicemail.

"Mary Alice Brandon, you call me the minute you get this message. There is no way we are sharing our apartment with a guy, no matter how fucking hot he is and no matter how much we could use the cash right now," I sighed as I shut the phone and walked back into the living room, collapsing on the couch as I tried to think of anything but Edward's ass as he bent over in front of our refrigerator. God it looked so fucking delicious, I thought to myself as I clenched my eyes, closing them tightly and trying to regulate my breathing.

I grabbed the remote for the stereo and quickly turned on some Nine Inch Nails to drown out my thoughts and waited patiently for Alice to either call me back or show up at the apartment, at which time I will promptly give her a verbal beat down.


The apartment was perfect. It was a stone's throw away from the club, so I would save money on gas and be able to walk home. This neighborhood couldn't be safer if there were armed guards around at all times and my bike would definitely be safe. The only issue would be the roommate I met, whose name I hadn't even bothered to get. She was sassy, fiery and totally unbelievably hot. Her long brown hair dripped down the back of her white t-shirt, which bared just enough of her midriff to make me want to see more. It didn't help that she was wearing a tight pair of boy shorts when she answered the door, clearly not expecting me.

When I wandered down the stairs and back towards my bike, I had half a mind to go back upstairs and call her a fucking ice princess, because that was exactly the way she treated me, like complete shit. My downfall was that no matter how bad she treated me, I wanted her nonetheless. I could picture driving her somewhere secluded on my bike and draping her luscious naked body over the side of it as I drilled my cock into her. Even now, recalling her sarcastic words and piercing glances, I felt myself grow hard again.

I had just slipped my helmet on after straddling my bike, when a rough looking Honda Accord pulled into the space beside me and a flustered woman got out, her black spiky hair twisted in every possible direction. She was just as sexy as the chick upstairs had been, but I didn't want her with the intensity that I wanted that brunette vixen two floors up.

"No chance your Edward huh?" she called to me as she grabbed a portfolio, which was overloaded with papers, from the backseat of her rusty old car. How that piece of shit was still deemed road worthy was beyond me.

"Yeah, I'm guessing your Alice?" I asked in reply as I pulled the helmet back off and ran my fingers through my hair tensely. She stopped for a moment as she stared at me intently and then rested the portfolio on the hood of her grey beast.

"Have you been up to the apartment yet? I know I'm late, but I had an emergency at work and was delayed. I am so sorry," she said sweetly as she dropped a few papers and I leaned down to help her pick them up. Her deep eyes were so sad, I found myself instantly drawn her to, wanting to protect her.

"Yeah, you're lovely roommate gave me a tour," I said sourly as she caught my gaze and laughed simply, almost like the sound of bells.

"Bella can be a bit of a hard ass when you first meet her, but inside she's all lovable goo," said Alice as she took a deep breath and then continued. "Are you interested in the place or not?"

"Honestly, it's perfect. I just don't know why you two would want to live with me?" I said honestly as she tugged at the hem of her jacket and looked back at me, with more sadness than before, if that was at all possible.

"Let's just say, we could use a man's touch around the apartment," she said timidly. "If you want it, it's yours. It's four hundred and fifty a month and that includes all utilities. You chip in for food, the cleaning and cooking. Any questions?" she asked nervously as she suddenly turned into a hard ass.

"What about conjugal visits?" I asked with a laugh as she glared at me.

"It's would be your home Edward, so do as you would in the comfort of your own home. Bella and I generally don't bring guests home though," she said reluctantly as I tried to read the expression on her face. She looked tormented about something and I hoped it was only about her job that seemed to bog her down.

"Yeah, I'll take it. When can I move in?"

"Tomorrow morning. Bella and I will both be at work. I'll leave a key with the manager, Seth." I nodded at Alice, and suddenly felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I could finally get my ass off of Jasper's couch and it definitely wouldn't suck to live with two hot chicks, especially if Bella the temptress walked around in those boy shorts and wet shirts again. At least I had my own bathroom to jerk off in regularly, since I doubted I would be bringing any women back to my new place. I liked the sound of that, my new place.

I handed Alice the envelope with the first three months rent and smiled at her pleasantly before slipping my helmet back on and pulling out of the parking lot, smirking like I had just won the lottery.

My head was swimming with all the possibilities that lay ahead for me now that I finally had a place to hang my hat, metaphorically speaking of course. As I stumbled up the stairs to Jasper's bachelor pad, I was practically singing I was so happy. I threw my keys on the counter and grabbed a beer from the fridge as I threw myself on one of the oversized bean bag chairs Jasper considered furniture.

Jazz wandered out from the bathroom moments later, with a beat up copy of Maxim that he tossed on the counter beside my keys. I shuddered to think what he had been doing in there while I was gone. "You look like you just got the world's best blow job man, spill it."

"I'm moving out," I said with a wide, shit eating grin as Jasper punched me on the shoulder, a little too hard.

"It's about fucking time. I love you like a brother from another mother, but I would like to be able to sit on my couch one day," he said with a laugh as I groaned at the loose definition of couch. It was the same futon he bought when he moved away to college and he had graduated two years ago. It was nasty to say the least.

"Want to hear the best part?" I asked as I took a huge swig of my beer and watched as he lit a joint, taking a huge drag and passing over to me.

"You're going to let me move in with you since my place should be fucking condemned?" laughed Jasper as I let out a deep breath and smiled.

"Not bloody likely. I'm living with two hot chicks'. I will admit, the brunette seems a little cold but the things her tight little body could do to me would probably bring me to my knees. The other chick, cute as a button, but definitely not as hard core as the brunette. Bella." Even now as I spoke about her to Jasper, I wanted nothing more than to let her ride me until we both came in a blinding light of ecstasy.

"You can't fuck your roommates' man, that goes against like… some sort of renters' code," said Jasper with a laugh as he took another drag of the blunt and grinned at me. "Now, me on the other hand, since I don't live with these fine ladies, should definitely meet them and fuck their brains out."

"Again man, not bloody likely. Even, I, no matter how much I might want it, will be on my best behavior. I have to admit, there was something about the Alice chick that made me a bit concerned. It seemed she wanted a male roommate and Bella didn't," I admitted to Jasper reluctantly. I threw my head back against the bean bag chair and tried not to worry about it, they had their reasons for their actions and I was sure that after living with them for a few months, things would fall into place.

My only problem was going to be not fucking the sassy minx.


I was seriously considering running down to a pawn shop on the shitty side of town to buy a gun. They wouldn't care if I didn't have a drivers license or any suitable I.D. to prove my identity, would they?

"Alice, we agreed that we would both decide on the new roommate," I said angrily when she showed up in the apartment a mere five minutes after Edward had left.

"Both of us did agree. Me and Edward agreed," she said with a laugh as I grabbed an apple from the counter and tossed it at her head, missing her narrowly and knocking her portfolio out of her hands. I felt remorseful and went over to help her pick up her papers, which she would no doubt bitch about later for not being in the proper order.

"That's not funny Alice. I really don't want to live with this guy," I stated firmly as Alice laid her portfolio down on the coffee table and came over to me, grasping my shoulders firmly in her small yet freakishly powerful hands.

"Too bad. Deal with your issues Bella. Edward already paid, he's agreed to follow our 'no conjugal visits' rule and he seems sweet," replied Alice as she let go of me and bounced into the kitchen to get herself a wine cooler from the fridge. I seriously think Alice was the only person who still liked 'Bartles & Jaymes'. "So, why don't you want him to move in Bella?"

"He's crass, sarcastic, drives a motorcycle, probably never showers or does laundry, should I go on?" I asked lamely, knowing full well my reasons were shit.

"He sounds like you with a motorcycle," laughed Alice as I glared at her. "Listen, it's safe to have a guy around and Edward looks like he could beat the shit out of most guys, James included. So how about we just let him move in and see how things go. If you still can't stand him after thirty days, I'll ask him to leave… okay?"

I nodded my head in agreement as Alice started to walk towards her bedroom."He's also super fucking hot Bella. What's wrong with a little eye candy?" I hung my head in shame the moment Alice was out of sight. She was right, he was so damned gorgeous I had no idea how I could be expected to keep my fricking hands or mouth off of him. Here's hoping he has some hideous habit like biting his toenails, so that Alice can kick him out in a month.