Last chapter! This last chapter is technically a songfic, but it has a lot to do with the story! The song that Spock's music box plays is "Lullaby (Good Night My Angel)" by Billy Joel, which I make no moneys off of either. It's a fitting song for his mother to sing him to sleep with and the words also fit well with…well, you'll see! :D
Ch 9: Good Night My Angel
Spock sat on the edge of his bed, tears slowly rolling down his smooth pale face. Two days had passed since the encounter with Uhura, and he hadn't seen Kirk since the Enterprise set sail for its first mission. Their separation was hitting him hard; he had expected that they could at least be able to engage in some friendly chess matches, but with his fervent meditations, he had little time to leave his room. Strangely enough, Kirk didn't bother seeking him out either. Perhaps Uhura's threats of stealing Kirk away from me were more than idle threats, he thought. His heart felt as though it were being shredded into pieces, pieces which sunk to the pit of his stomach. Was this what human misery was like? It was indeed a powerful emotion, one he wished he couldn't feel at all. He decided to simply give up on his attempts at meditating since he couldn't concentrate, and instead allowed the human side of him to take over and just feel.
The music box Uhura had given him sat lightly in his hands, playing its little song over and over. As soon as the song ended, he'd crank it up again and let it play. He couldn't tell if the song eased his heart or worsened the pain, but it was all he had right now. The last little bit of his friendship with Uhura and the love of his mother sat in those pale, slender hands of his, and he didn't dare let go of it. Not now.
He wasn't used to singing and his voice was harsh and scratchy from all the crying he had done, but still, he sang the song as best he could. "Goodnight, my angel / Time to close your eyes / And save these questions for another day / I think I know what you've been asking me / I think you know what I've been trying to say / I promised I would never leave you / And you should always know…" He felt his throat close up before he could finish the words.
To his surprise a familiar voice sang the end of the stanza for him. "Wherever you may go / No matter where you are / I never will be far away…"
He raised his head and saw Kirk standing in his doorway, a sweet smile on his lips. "Billy Joel, a musical genius of the 20th century. That's one of his best songs, at least in my opinion." He walked up to Spock, the smile somehow giving him strength he had lost.
"Jim," he croaked. Kirk walked up to the Vulcan's bed and sat next to him. He pointed at the music box in his hands. "That's a rather nice music box you have. I don't remember seeing it in your room though…did you get it recently?" Spock nodded. "It was a gift from Uhura."
"Ah," Kirk said. He didn't really want to push the issue, but he was genuinely curious. "Is that her favorite song or something?" Spock stared down at the music box and said quietly, "My mother sung this song to me when I had trouble sleeping as a child. During shore leave, Uhura searched all over to find a music box that played this song…"
Well, this is going well… Kirk thought bitterly to himself. "It's a beautiful song. A good song to show just how much you love someone."
The two sat in silence, the events of the last two days whirling in their head. So much needed to be said, and yet both were too scared to say a word.
Spock broke the silence. "Jim…I'm afraid."
Kirk gave Spock a strange look. "Afraid of what?"
In a low voice, Spock replied, "Myself. I am losing control, Jim. I cannot control my emotions the way I used to anymore. I spend more and more time meditating, and I find myself gaining less and less control from it. There is something strange, something dark deep inside of me; I have felt it stir in me many times, mostly when I was a young boy. I feel it stirring more and more lately, like it is anxious to be set free, like it is refusing to be contained any longer. I am afraid of what I might do if I lose all control of myself…" He looked at Kirk, fear in his eyes. "I could wind up hurting you."
Kirk gulped. He had experienced some of Spock's uncontrolled strength – it was a force to be reckoned with and a frightful sight to see. The last thing he wanted to do was to be on the receiving end of that strength ever again, especially if it was every fully unleashed. "Is there another way to combat this dark force that's nullifying your mediation?"
Spock closed his eyes and turned away. "Only one. It is called kolinahr, a purge of emotions that allows a Vulcan to completely control all of their emotions permanently. It is a procedure that Vulcans typically undergo once they reach adulthood, but I was able to avoid the ceremony due to my enrollment into Starfleet. It is because I did not undergo kolinahr that I reacted so violently when you provoked me on the bridge. It is also the reason I was so susceptible to Uhura's advances after Vulcan was destroyed. And ultimately, it is what allowed me to fall in love with you." Spock grasped Kirk's hands with his own, his body heat soaking in to Kirk's skin. "My emotions have caused me to feel a great deal of pain and anger, but it has allowed me to experience the greatest thing ever – your love. It makes me realize just how deeply I loved my mother too. I do not want to give that up, but if I am to truly protect you and continue my role as Science Officer on the Enterprise, I will have to give up every single emotion left inside of me."
"No!" Kirk grabbed Spock's shoulders and shook him. "You can't just do a wipe on your emotions! There has to be some other way, some way where you can overcome that dark side of you and hold on to your emotions! You're not a computer with a virus, Spock! You're a living person! Humans have managed to overcome their darker side for decades! You're half-human! You can fight it!"
Fresh tears trickled down Spock's cheeks. "Jim," his voice broke as he tried to speak, "I don't think I can…"
Kirk pulled Spock close and held him in his arms. Spock was surprised to find the tears stopped flowing the moment Kirk wrapped his arms around him. Kirk whispered in Spock's ear, "You can do it Spock. I know you can. I'm here to help you. I won't ever leave your side."
It was so strange how words so simple seemed to empower him. Could this have been why his control had slipped so drastically? Because Kirk wasn't there by his side to reassure him when he needed him? How was it that this man, this simple human, was able to fill him with such confidence? Why did he suddenly feel as though he could face anything?
Kirk pulled Spock away from him so that he could wipe the tear-stained cheeks of his dearest love. "Come on Spock, Vulcans aren't supposed to cry like this." Spock struggled to find the words to say, but Kirk said them for him. "I know it's been pretty hard these last few days. We've both got our doubts and it seems like there's been plenty of things that have tried to drive a wedge between us lately." He took Spock's chin in his hands and gave that dazzling, sincere smile of his. "But none of that matters. Whatever life throws at us, at the end of the day, we have each other to hold on to, and that's all we need to get through anything."
The strength Spock had gained only intensified with Kirk's profound words. He knew that these weren't hollow words spoken solely to lift his spirits. He could sense that they were words that came straight from his heart that he meant with all of his being. He tried to think logically about the situation, but found that he could no longer think; he could only feel. And he felt, for the first time in his life, happiness. Happiness at finally knowing love, happiness that he was no longer alone, and happiness that he had found someone who not only understood him, but accepted him as he was.
It suddenly became very clear to him what it was his mother had lived her life for: She had lived solely to make her son be happy. It didn't matter what became of her, so long as he was safe and happy, she had everything she needed. He felt something in him lift and disappear. His brow furrowed, confused at this feeling. He somehow felt lighter, less burdened. Then it occurred to him what he was feeling. The guilt and regret he felt from the loss of his mother had lifted from him. He no longer felt any of the pain of losing her – he now only felt the warm feeling of her love. He felt it in his heart and all around him. His eyes filled with tears again, and Kirk embraced him once more. Without saying a word to him, he knew exactly what Spock felt and what he needed. He stroked Spock's hair, saying nothing at first. Spock sobbed as he clutched on to Kirk tightly. His sobs were the only thing that filled the air, until he heard Kirk sing.
"Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to sleep / And still so many things I want to say / Remember all the songs you sang for me / When we went sailing on an emerald bay / And like a boat out on the ocean / I'm rocking you to sleep …" Spock chimed in amidst his tears. "The water's dark and deep / Inside this ancient heart / You'll always be a part of me…"
The two took a moment to look at each other. Tears still clung to Spock's eyelashes, which Kirk wiped away with his hands. He smiled a little smile and said quietly, "Mind if I spend the night in your bunk?" Spock smiled a little smile in return and replied, "I could use the company."
They rose to their feet and removed their clothing. Once they were down to their Starfleet underwear, Spock turned the light in the room off and they crawled underneath the sheets. Kirk had his back toward the wall while Spock snuggled against his chest, facing the door. Kirk wiggled an arm from under the covers and resumed the lullaby, stroking Spock's hair as he sang softly. "Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to dream / And dream how wonderful your life will be / Someday your child may cry / And if you sing this lullaby / Then in your heart / There will always be a part of me…"
Kirk paused, then grinned when he heard the Vulcan snoring softly. Apparently he was wiped out from the emotional roller coaster he had gone on over the last few days. He couldn't blame him. All these emotions were not only new, but they were overwhelming to experience so quickly and in such abundance. He held the sleeping Spock close to him and finished the song before falling asleep himself. Little did he know that as he sang the end of the song, Spock heard his mother's voice sing along with him.
"Someday we'll all be gone / But lullabies go on and on... / They never die / That's how you and I will be."
Gah! I wanted to cry when I wrote this chapter…T_T I hope you all enjoyed this sequel. I know some of you are anxious to see Spock confront McCoy...but it won't be happening in this story! Don't worry, there's another sequel on the way, which will be chock full of Dark Spock - more than you may be ready for! I've already decided to call it Duality, so be on the look out for it! :D