"First Cut Hurts the Most" Chapter one

Spoiler—Finale season six, and any other times this happened.

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or much else for that matter. What I do own are my dreams and imagination, and they are priceless.

Warnings – Rated a strong T for violence, disturbing imagery and language, but not really until the second chapter. Then take the warning seriously.

A/N – Some people might think this is very OOC for Gibbs. But if you think about it, how does he let out all those emotions he keeps inside? Please give this a chance.

First Cut Hurts the Most

Everyone in his life had asked him at one time or the other how he handled all the stress and horror in his life. He had actually answered some of them. No one knew about the first time he had done it. That had happened right after Shannon and Kelly had been murdered.

Mike Franks knew about the second time, but had let it go just telling him to be careful not to seriously hurt himself. And then he had head slapped him for acting stupid. Ducky knew because he had helped to clean him up after the third occasion. Tony knew because he had found him passed out drunk after the fourth time. He had actually kept the fifth time a secret because it was around the same time as Jenny's death and the team being broken up by Vance.

Jenny had known because he out right told her right after Caitlin had been murdered by Ari. He had never told Hollis exactly what he did. He felt that she just wouldn't have understood why he did it, she was too straight laced.

Fortunately Abby has never found out about what he did at these times. Gibbs prays that she will never find out and prays even harder that she will never find him in the process. He knows he leaves all sanity behind and gives into the primal feelings he buries underneath.

This night, or is it morning, Gibbs sits more drunk than sober in his basement. This is the only place he has ever let out his emotions in over sixteen years. He might rant and rave in the bullpen. He yells during investigations to intimidate suspects. He evens head smacks his team to get their attention. But those acts are not showing his emotions. Those expressions are more like the tension building along a fault line. And just like that tension under the earth, when his tension is released it is an earthquake of epic proportions.

So far in his life he has only let go a few times. The first time he had lost control of his emotions he had gotten into a brawl in Stillwater before he joined the Marines and left his hometown. He loved being a Marine, and he was surprised when being a sniper didn't prove to be what he thought it would. Instead each time he pulled the trigger being a release, the emotions increased.

Then he had finally married Shannon and the tension and anger seemed to seep away each time he kissed her. When he was handed his daughter and looked into her new born eyes his heart actually burst, but with love and joy. He had started building a small boat in his basement to eventually take his new small family out sailing and fishing. Shannon had questioned him as to how he would get it out of the basement. He pointed to the windows on one side of the basement and told her that it wouldn't be too hard to remove a portion of that wall and just take it out that way. The wall was not a load bearing wall and any weight could be supported with temporary beams while the boat was being removed. Besides, he might just make a true garage out of the basement so he could build a bigger boat and work on his truck. He was so proud and happy when his little girl came down the stairs to help him work on his boat. He had shown her how to always sand with the grain. He had taught her what to look for in a good piece of wood. Those were the most precious memories in his mind of his daughter. He had promised Kelly that when he got back from his deployment that they would finish the boat and go fishing. They had never gotten that chance. Instead he destroyed the boat and took the pieces to a beach. While he watched the pieces burn he held his service pistol in his hands wanting to follow the embers of the fire up in the sky and join his family.

When he finally remarried he began building another boat hoping that this time he could take his love with him out onto the waters he enjoyed. The night the divorce papers were signed he barely had to dismantle the skeleton of the boat that had barely begun to take shape, much like the marriage.

His third wife resent not only all the time that he spent at work; she also hated it when he would come home only to go down to his new boat to relax. The more she nagged the less that boat became about sharing it with her on the water and more about a place to escape and drink. She fulfilled her own accusations and that boat was destroyed the day after she left. Only this time he forgot some simple safety precautions and Ducky had had to patch his arms up from the splitters that had flown around the basement.

The fourth boat and fourth wife followed much the same pattern. Regrettably Tony had shown up early that next morning needing him to go to on a case. Tony found his boss passed out drunk in the basement. Gibbs had driven back from the boat's bonfire on the beach and drank toast after toast to each of the memories that would never have a chance now.

The fifth boat he had finally named the 'Kelly' and had almost finished her completely. Hollis had even seen him painting the name on the precious boat. But she had thought that the name was a girl friend's name. She hadn't been too far off; his daughter had been the second best female friend he had ever had. Shannon had been the first of many, many things. On what would have been his wedding anniversary with Shannon he destroyed that dream again. The end of the 'Kelly' was the ugliest bonfire he had ever made he fell asleep drunk on the beach. No one had found him except for a kindly old fisherman who helped him to his truck.

The sixth boat started out as a deep missing of the familiar relaxation of the tedious work and gentle sanding. But it wasn't too hard to leave it in the basement when he went off to Mexico when he temporarily retired. Why build one when he could sail Mike's?