A/N: I've read many accounts of Sirius after Halloween '81, but I've only read maybe one or two of Remus and how he felt: betrayed, alone... angsty. It's not my best, but please enjoy, and don't forget to review.

Disclaimer: As much as we would all like to own Remus Lupin, none of us do, including me.


Sick. It is all bloody sick.

Here he is, thinking most of the Wizarding world is inhabited by kind, friendly people when all of a sudden they celebrate and he suffers.

He had trusted Sirius. Trusted him like he was almost a brother. But apparently, brothers have no problem betraying those that were once most important to him. Because of that... monster that had once been a best friend – they are all dead.

Peter, Lily, and James. All dead.

He might as well be, too. Him, Remus Lupin – he feels like he could never be happy again. Sirius was in Azkaban – but that dog might as well be dead, too.


No, Sirius should suffer. He betrayed his friends, the beautiful people, and their beautiful lives.

But Remus... he wants to be dead.

He knows, in the depths of his mind, that he has to be brave. Brave like the Gryffindor he once was, brave for himself and for his friends' memories. But he isn't, and he knows it.

It will get easier, as time goes on, of course, but... he feels betrayed himself. Sirius didn't just betray Lily and James, but him as well. Now, he has no one. No one in this huge, sick, celebrating world.

The "Dark Lord", "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named", "You-Know-Who", or just Voldemort – whatever anyone chose to say, was gone, hopefully for good. But at what cost?

Two people and their son, now an orphan, off apparently to live with his mother's sister and – from what Lily had said in the past – her whale of a husband. It could be Remus – he could live with Harry, raise him, but no. He has to lose Harry too.

Someone had invited him to a celebratory party, honoring Voldemort's disappearance. Even Dumbledore told him he should get out and have a spot of fun, try to forget everything that has happened.


He doesn't want to forget.

Forgetting meant getting rid of all his happy memories. Forgetting meant leaving him with nothing but some disgusting desire to transform into his wolf form and not have to feel the pain of loss. Forgetting meant being on his own, like he has always been afraid of. He doesn't want to be alone. He wants James, Lily, Peter... and he internally damns himself when he realizes he wants Sirius back too.

Not Sirius now, but the old one.

The fun, pranking, loyal one.

Instead, he is alone. All alone. For all he knows, he had been considered the traitor, fooling James and Lily, but not Sirius. He could see in Sirius' grey eyes that the Animagus didn't trust him anymore.

Even though now he knows that was all a show.

Sirius is guilty, and is in Azkaban to pay for it. All Remus has left to do now is wait for the parties to end, the people to calm down, the high to wear out. Wait until he can go back to peace, with no one nauseating him with their selfish, uncaring ways. How could he possibly be the only one so dramatically affected by their deaths?

But he was. Sirius wouldn't care, Harry would have no clue. He has to suffer, alone, intimidated by the future; scared.

With no clue that the person he blames is innocent and one of which he mourns is alive.

As he strolls late at night to clear his thoughts, he openly lets a few escaped tears fall, not finding the energy to lift his hand and wipe them impatiently away.

If he sees anyone he knows, he looks away, averts his eyes, terrified that someone in a state of bliss will try to comfort him, when that isn't what he needs. Now all he needs is his friends to be back. Back, alive, carefree....

Everything he isn't. For now, he will act as the shell of life he is, like what someone might be after a Dementor's Kiss: alive, healthy, but not quite there.

Not until he has his friends, or someone back....

Which will not happen. So he suffers. Suffers in everyone else's happiness, and suffers at least slightly forevermore.

A/N: If you liked this, please do check out 'Cold' on my profile, this basically acts as a sequel. Maybe after you left a review?