Warning: very subtle slash (K/S)
Disclaimer: I'm definitely not cool enough to own anything involving Star Trek 2009.
It Must Be Weird
It must be weird, Jim thinks every now and then when he observes his first officer.
It must be weird to look in the mirror everyday and see a completely stoic face, free of all inner emotions and worries. Because Jim knows that Spock feels, and that he probably feels a lot of different, complex things. Possibly more than he himself does. He can't be sure though, because all he sees is a mask, carefully refined to only let out vague hints about what might be going on underneath. And it must be weird to know that you feel anger and sorrow but don't ever see it on your own face.
It must be weird to not react when you hear vicious rumors or comments. To hear comments like 'green blooded hobgoblin' and 'pointy eared bastard' must cut deep at some level. Jim knows that, illogical as it may be, words can do just as much damage as a shot from a phaser, if not more. It's why he always fights back, verbally, or physically, to restore his honor or integrity - he's not sure which. But it's second nature. And it must be weird to just take it all in stride, to ignore the words as if they don't hurt and continue on as if you don't feel like you deserve any more respect than you're currently receiving.
It must be weird to live entirely by logic, or at least to attempt to. Logic is fine and all, and Jim will definitely site its merits, but there are so many things that logic simply can't explain. Like the aesthetic beauty in the stars or moons. Logic tells you that a star is merely a ball of fire, and there's nothing beautiful about that. But Jim can look at a star and remember his mother holding him, and telling him that making a wish upon a star will make his dreams come true, or telling him the story of the man on the moon. And it must be weird to know that stars are supposed to hold a great beauty, but not be able to see past the ball of fire.
It must be weird to have such strong restraint over powerful inclinations and emotions. Jim has always been the kind of person who goes for what he wants and deals with the consequences later. Like the time he stole his step-dad's car and drove it off a cliff...yeah, that had definitely been an act first, think later event where his emotions had simply gotten the better of him. And it must be weird to have never done something just because you want to, with no rhyme or reason behind it, just spontaneity.
It must be weird to be so afraid to lose control. Losing control is an important part of letting go of stress and negative emotions that continuously haunt the soul. Jim can remember fully understanding, for the first time, what his father's sacrifice had truly meant when he was around 7 years old. He remembered trying to hold back, not wanting to upset his mother, when she wrapped her arms around him, whispering that it was okay to lose control every now and then, it keeps that soul sane. And he had cried as if it would be his last chance. And it must be weird to never have gotten that advice, to not fully understand that it's okay to let go once in a while.
It must be weird to be so uncertain of every move and emotion. Jim only knows emotion and expresses it freely. His happiness when around his friends, his frustration on a bad day, his exasperation when he doesn't understand something, and his love when he's with Spock after a long day of work. It's natural for him to want to express his affection for his lover in his gentle touches and tender kisses without any uncertainty towards the emotion he is exuding. And it must be weird to reciprocate those actions with an equal tenderness and affection but to second guess your every feeling and wonder if it's the right thing to do after all.
It must be weird to hear "I love you" and not really know how to respond. Most times Jim has heard this before, he has merely run. But for the first time ever, he's felt the need to say it, and he has. And the silence on the other end is palpable, almost unbearable, but Jim understands and didn't really expect to hear it in return. But it must be weird to feel an emotion like love and not be able to express it because it is a weakness according to your training, even if you might really want to in the core of your heart.
But then Jim can also understand that, for a Vulcan, it really isn't all that weird at all. It is natural to rarely see your own emotions flash across your face because your emotions are your own enemy. They deceive you and make you act illogically. Which is why it is normal to view a star as a ball of fire and not as a wishing device, partly because a star really is a ball of fire and partly because wishing on anything is illogical. And it's this logic that makes a fear of losing control so commonplace. Losing control is the absence of logic, and logic is the only thing that makes any sense. Logically.
But it must be weird to be half-human and half-Vulcan. To have two completely different viewpoints regarding emotions and logic be at war with each other. To wonder whether one path is more correct than another or to constantly be trying to find the right balance between two contradictory worlds. Because Logic and Emotion is a contradiction of terms. While both are powerful forces, they can't truly coincide in peace. Logic simply can't understand the simplicity in a relationship based purely on love and Emotion refuses to see the world in a remotely rational light. And it must be weird to logically acknowledge that such a balance doesn't exist but to strive for it anyway because it is all you've ever known.
And Jim can't help but think he must be weird. Jim is emotion: fast, erratic, passionate emotion. Spock is logic: cold, calculating, rational logic. They don't fit together logically and they don't work together emotionally. They beat the odds in a way that shouldn't be possible. But because love doesn't know any bounds, they transcend logical and rational, creating their own rules and bending them as they please. And Jim must be weird, because he'd rather have his green blooded, emotionless hobgoblin bastard for one day than anyone else for the rest of his life, even if nothing about them makes any sense. And he's perfectly okay with weird.
Thanks for reading guys. I was thinking of doing a Spock pov type thing similar to this but...different. So review if you feel inspired to do so and thanks!