Disclaimer – I don't own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended. I just like to borrow the characters and put them into silly situations.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who read and/or reviewed Lick the Platter Clean. I was stunned by the amount of reviews and reads! So many people tagged it as a favorite story that I almost had a heart attack.

There are a couple of author's notes at the end. They might explain a few things.

One note up front however - Mr. Ed, for those of you under 35, was a t.v. show back in the 60's about a talking horse. And yes, I am implying something about the size of a certain portion of Edward's anatomy. ;-)


Most men will confess that they name their dicks.

Most men will confess that they carry on conversations with their dicks.

I am most men.

Mr. Ed and I were not having a conversation per se – it was more of a minor disagreement. Mr. Ed thought I should wear the blue suit to the charity event at the hospital tonight, while I believed I should wear the black one. It was supposed to be a formal event, so black would be a better fit for the occasion.

"No! Not the black one. We look like a fucking vampire in that thing for god's sake! Wear the blue one! Come on!" Mr. Ed wailed in frustration. "6 months – it's been 6 months since I've seen the inside of a pussy! I wanna get laid!" The wailing was turning into whining.

Mr. Ed was good, really good. He knew I hated whining with a passion and would give in to whatever he demanded.

I had to concede that he made some valid points:

Thanks to my pale skin tone, I did look like death warmed over when I wore black.

The color blue seemed to get me a lot of attention from the fairer sex.

And Mr. Ed was growing tired of his long time companions - Palmella and her five sisters.

The last point was brought to my attention two weeks ago. My attempt to keep him interested in jacking off failed miserably. I tried to get him to believe that he was having an orgy. There were 7 participants (Palmella, the sisters and Mr. Ed), eight if I include myself. He didn't buy it. He gave one half hearted twitch and collapsed into a petulant heap.

Afraid that he may never again rise up and give the one eyed salute to a beautiful woman, I pulled on my blue suit. "Yes!" Mr. Ed crowed in victory. "We are getting some action tonight!"

I snorted at his naiveté. "It's a charity event. And that means lots of rich, old people," I told him as I straightened my tie in the bathroom mirror. "Any woman under 35 will be someone's trophy wife. Not to mention all her body parts will be plastic." He gave a small jerk. He obviously didn't care about plastic body parts at this point. I wasn't sure I did either, which told me a lot about my lack of a sex life. Normally, I didn't like to sleep with women who were made by DuPont.

I tried one last time to tame my hair when Emmett walked in and leaned his massive frame against the counter. His black suit and red tie looked a bit more formal than my own clothing. Rosalie must have dressed him before she went out.

Left to his own devices Emmett would've worn his kilt, like he did at cousin Megan's wedding. The kilt was fine, it just wasn't a good idea for him to wear it in the traditional fashion. And by traditional, I mean sans underwear. Emmett + alcohol + no underwear = disaster. The highlight of the reception came around midnight. Emmett grabbed the mic from the DJ, pulled up the front of his kilt and announced that instead of the bouquet toss all the single ladies were welcome to make a grab for his caber instead. Megan was so not amused.

"Eddie my man, I hate to say it, but you will always look like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket. Give it up, dude." Emmett laughed as he watched my futile attempts at grooming.

"Fuck off," I told him without heat. I glanced at myself in the mirror one last time. I looked damn fine.

Here's hoping that the blue suit could work its magic on a pretty, young woman tonight.


I hate hospitals, I really do. I know I work in one and hopefully will for the rest of my life but seriously, I can't stand the antiseptic/piss smell that seems to permeate everything. And then there's the shabby looking institutional décor. Seriously, does the Salvation Army have an Interior Design Division that decorates hospitals? Inquiring minds want to know.

The hospital was short on pissy smells this evening. Since this place was new, the aroma was a combination of cheap plastic, sawdust and expensive champagne.

I'm guessing the champagne scent was from the flute I was currently knocking back. I loved rich people because they always partied with the best booze. No Asti Spumante here. Emmett's friend Alice said that the wealthy old biddie in charge of the fund raiser ordered stuff that ran $80 a bottle – Krug something or other. Was that French? My foreign language skills were limited to swearing in Spanish.

Alice's party planning company was in charge tonight and she had done a great job disguising the boring walls and floors with lots of beige colored fabrics and rugs. Even the ugly buffet area was hidden from view behind some fancy screens. There was a bit too much froo froo lacy shit for my taste, but I wasn't the one footing the bill for this extravaganza.

I snagged another flute from a passing waiter, downed half of it in one go and went back to my conversation with Jasper. We were regaling each other with lewd tales from our college days. Swapping embarrassing and scandalous stories is a great way to bond with people you really don't know very well.

Alice had slipped away with a very stern looking older woman named Cassie about 10 minutes ago. Evidently there was a canapé crisis in the makeshift kitchen area. Something about the number of canapés ordered not matching up with what was on hand. Alice had stormed off muttering something about Brian forgetting about the ones that Cassie used on Bella and Linda. I wasn't sure what the hell she meant. I had been about to ask Emmett what was going on, but he suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree and took off at warp speed into the crowd.

Jasper and I looked at each other and shrugged. We had no intentions of moving from our spot. We were within easy reach of an impressive dessert table that sported an equally impressive naked lady ice sculpture, and a waiter with a full tray of drinks seemed to pass by every few minutes. Heaven. At least I thought so.

Mr. Ed, however, was not a happy camper. He wanted to go in search of pretty women. To appease my dicktator I had been looking around since I got here 20 minutes ago. Sadly, I didn't see anything but a lot of old timers. The few women that were younger were on the arms of their sugar grandpappys. And Alice seemed to have hired nothing but men. Cassie appeared to be the only exception and I didn't go for older woman. Okay, truth be told, she scared the shit out of me.

Emmett's voice suddenly interrupted Jasper's tale of 2 girls, his roommate and some missing salami. "Hey, Jasper," he called out from somewhere that seemed nearby. "Come over here and see what Bella's up to. Bring Edward."

I turned around and spotted Emmett about 20 feet away in a corner of the room, waving us over with far too much enthusiasm. He was still beaming like a kid in a candy store. Jasper and I gave each other WTF looks.

Grabbing my 3rd flute or maybe it was my 5th (who the hell cared, I wasn't driving), we wove our way through the gaggle of geriatric guests to find Emmett. I paused once to ogle a man with a bad comb over and dressed in a powder blue polyester leisure suit. Since when is a leisure suit considered formal dress? I swear to god the richer they are, the weirder they are. Jasper tugged on my sleeve and I propelled myself back into motion. Emmett was about 3 feet away and bouncing impatiently from foot to foot like overgrown toddler that had downed one too many Pixie Sticks.

"What on earth is he.….."

Jumpin' Jehosephat! Titties!….... tantalizing, tempting, I want to touch them…… titties! I stared, blinked and stared some more. There was a beautiful and pretty much naked woman spread out before me like a feast for the gods. She was laying on her side on a 3ft high platform. A tiny bit of sheet was tucked between her legs to cover up her crotch. Hors d'oeuvres were arrayed temptingly along her side. Her nipples were hidden behind a slender arm, but I could see enough of her breasts to know that the mounds of creamy flesh were large and would feel fabulous in my hands.

Mr. Ed sprung into action. He was enjoying the view even more than me. Thank the Good Lord I had on my suit coat. I was getting an erection of epic proportions. "Fuck her, fuck her now!" Mr. Ed screamed at me in total desperation. "She's already naked and lying down. Puhleeeease! Do it, NOW!" I needed to look somewhere else or I would give into his hysterical whining. I briefly wondered if champagne and caviar were appropriate accompaniments to a live porn show. Since this was a high class party, I would assume yes.

I looked at her face and kept my focus there. She was definitely worth the attention. Long, lustrous mahogany hair with big, brown doe eyes and those pouty lips! Mr. Ed was very eager to leave a wet, slobbery kiss on those lips.

"Oh hey, Bella,this is my cousin Edward, he's from Chicago," Emmett was saying. That was my cue to pay attention and quit gaping like an idiot. I wasn't sure how much of the conversation I'd missed while I was busy eye fucking this heavenly creature. "He's in town for the weekend and taking a break from doc training. I know I mentioned him before."

I gave Bella what I hoped was a non predatory smile. "It's nice to meet you, Bella. I'm sorry to say that Emmett hasn't told me anything about you." Emmett and I were going to have a long talk about why he hadn't mentioned Bella before. He'd moved to Seattle 18 months ago and had been dating Rosalie since he got off the plane. Some cousin he was. Butt munch.

It was apparent that they were all friends. And it was also apparent that Bella knew what torture (he called it teasing) Emmett was capable of inflicting on his friends. She was looking at him like she was going to rip him a new one.

"It's nice to meet you too, Edward, although I wish it could've been under better circumstances," she said, a bit shyly. Her brown eyes were wide and I got the feeling she wanted to hide under a rock. I don't think she knew that Emmett and Jasper were going to be here tonight.

Eyes on her face, dude, eyes on her face. I kept repeating that over and over.

"I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think the circumstances are just great, really!" Damn, way too much enthusiasm there, Edward! Don't scare her off. And did I just wink? Shit. Why don't I just stamp pervert on my forehead and be done with it. I downed some more champagne as Emmett and Jasper laughed at me. Bella blushed, but looked pleased. Maybe the blue suit was working its magic after all.

Alice sidled up to Jasper and said something about wanting us to meet some people. Mr. Ed was vehemently opposed to leaving. I didn't want to either. Bella and I had already been introduced, I knew she looked great naked and with a little more time I was sure I could coax her into going somewhere a bit more private after this. Instead of spending all my time this weekend with Emmett and Rose as they make googlie eyes at each other, I could spend some 'quality' time with Bella.

I was dying to see what was under that sheet.

I gave her another smile and a nod as I trailed off after Alice's posse. I would be back as soon as possible. This opportunity had just dropped into my lap and I wasn't going to waste it.

Hmm, Bella on my lap. That sounded nice. I wouldn't mind her riding me like I was her own personal pogo stick.

My bouncing booby fantasies were cut short by Alice introducing Emmett and me to a tiny old woman named Mrs. Whitmore. She had more wrinkles than a Shar Pei on a humid day.

Mrs. Whitmore nodded at Emmett and me in greeting and then proceeded to look Jasper and Alice over like they were some new, interesting species of insect, all the while peppering him with questions about how his family was doing. She was apparently a friend of Jasper's mom. Emmett had told me that Jasper's family came from old money. I was getting the vibe that Alice's hadn't and the old bat didn't quite approve of Jasper's fiancé. Snooty bitch.

After 10 minutes of listening to her drone on about Mrs. Hale's stunning rose garden I began to get antsy. They didn't need me here for anything. I started to run through a number of excuses I could use to escape back to Bella's side. Sick? Maybe. Phone call? Perhaps. Bathroom break? Plausible. I was drinking a lot.

"Emmett," I murmured quietly as I loosened my tie a tiny bit, "I'm going to find the bathroom. Too much champagne." I held up my empty flute as proof.

The bastard gave me a look that told me he knew that I really wasn't hitting the bathroom.

I forgot that Emmett had a brain in that head of his. He so often failed to use it.

I gave him my best angelic look, which he didn't buy, and started to walk off, giving my glass to a passing waiter.

I got about 10ft before I ran into the ugliest pair of boobs I'd ever seen. They were attached to a young woman of around 25. She, in turn, was attached to an old man of about 60. He was sporting black, wraparound sunglasses. Was the guy blind?

"Hello!" Ugly boob woman said brightly. "I'm Sasha, and this," she pointed to her dad, "is my husband, John."

Husband? He must be blind. No guy with his sight intact would marry those fugly tits.

I had no idea why she started up a conversation with me. I'd never met her before. Her boobs made her unforgettable.

She was in a short, tight dress that was very low cut in front. She was all of 5 feet tall and maybe 110 lbs dripping wet. In a former life she was probably an A cup. But now she must be a DD. She looked freakish. Unfortunately, her plastic surgeon had put those implants on top of her muscles instead of underneath. The result was icky. I could clearly see the outer ridge lines of the implants under her skin. It looked like she had some form of Braille lettering on her tits. I glanced briefly at her hubby and his dark glasses. Hmm, maybe it was Braille lettering and maybe those bumps spelled out 'You have reached my boobies. Fondle here'.

"Hey," I blurted out unthinkingly and waved a hand at her cleavage, "You really should sue the plastic surgeon who did your breasts. Those look terrible!" I knew, in the back of my mind, that I'd just made a rude comment. I blamed the alcohol. Not to mention those horrendous breasts had stunned me into stupidity.

To cover up my faux pas, I rummaged around in my suit coat looking to see if I had Dr. Johnson's number anywhere. He was a great plastic surgeon and he could definitely fix those puppies for her. There was a loud huff of indignation and suddenly Sasha and her hubby were gone.

I shrugged and took off in search of Bella once again.

I spotted her when the Red Sea of guests parted for a moment. I smiled and then frowned when our eyes connected and I saw her mouth 'Help me'. What the hell? I slid through the crowd, narrowly avoiding a waiter loaded down with more champagne and stopped in front of my brown haired goddess.

"Bella? What's wrong with…." I followed her line of sight to the guy standing next to me. Oh my god, the dude was rubbing himself out, in public no less, while eyeballing her crotch! I stared at him in shock. He was totally oblivious to what was going on around him.

Wow, Bella's crotch evidently had some super duper mystical powers! This boded well for my evening. Now, I just needed to get rid of this guy, quickly.

I briefly mulled over some ideas when Mr. Ed quietly whispered to me, "Psst, go gay. You know how much I don't like it when another penis comes onto me. He'll be out of here in no time!" What a tricky dicky!

His idea was a good one. Nothing made Mr. Ed shrivel up faster than a penis that wanted to cuddle with him. Let's just hope the guy didn't swing both ways.

Steeling my nerves, I leaned into him and put my mouth next to his ear. My hand drifted down to lightly cover his. He was still rubbing himself. Shit. I hoped this scored me bonus points with Bella. In my best bedroom voice I murmured, "Hey there, handsome! Meet me in the bathroom in 5 minutes and I can show you why I was voted 'best at giving head' 2 years in a row at college." I rounded out my little speech by gently blowing in the dude's ear. His ear hair waved back at me.

Startled out of his trance, the guy turned to me with his jaw hanging open. I gave him my best 'hey, baby, you know you want me' look. Terrified, he took off towards the exit.

Bella started laughing.

I winked at her and we watched as asswipe fled the scene. I made sure he went out the door. Didn't really care to repeat my performance. I wiped my hand on my pants. Maybe I should look for some hand sanitizer. A gallon of it.

Amused, I turned back to Bella. "Well, I guess that means he wasn't interested in my blow job skills, and after all that time I spent learning how to deep throat. Bummer." I sighed theatrically.

She was still giggling. Her red lips exposing a brilliantly white smile. Mr. Ed sighed at the sight. He was a big fan of her mouth.

"Oh, my god! That was the funniest thing I've ever seen or heard! I can honestly say that not even Emmett could top it!" Her body was still shaking from laughing so hard. Bits and pieces of hors d'oeuvres were sliding off the leaves draped on her side. I admired her heaving bosom for a moment and then sat down and collected the fallen bits of food.

"Thanks! And I thought this evening was going to be dull." I tossed the stuff I picked up onto a nearby tray and began to rearrange the remaining bits into some kind of order. This gave me an excuse to touch her creamy looking skin. Damn, talk about soft.

Under the flimsy pretext of trying to choose something to eat, I slyly checked out the rest of Bella's body. I had focused on her boobs and mouth before and now wanted to branch out. She had a long, slender neck, a small waist and her legs were smooth and shapely. Those legs would be perfect if they were wrapped around my waist right about now.

I plucked a bit of something off her thigh, making sure to brush her skin, and asked, "Say, that guy didn't like grab you or anything, did he?" I wondered if the guy had done any inappropriate touching. Maybe I should sit here with Bella for the rest of the evening? Just in case. It was a lame excuse, but who gave a fuck. My plans for the weekend changed from spending a lot of time with Emmett and Rose to spending a lot of time with Bella. Preferably with the both of us naked and in a large bed.

"No," she responded, "he just stared at my privates and… well, you know the rest." She sounded relieved and I couldn't blame her. What the hell would she have done if he had gotten touchy feely - jump up and deck the guy? That would just give him more fodder for his sicko fantasies.

Speaking of fantasies, I'd better get a move on and do some seducing, otherwise I'd be introducing Mr. Ed to Rosie Palm this weekend. And I'm sure that he wouldn't take my word for it that she wasn't related to Palmella.

Okay, one basic seduction move coming up. I popped the hors d'oeuvre I was holding into my mouth and moaned, "Mmmm, that's really great stuff. What is it?" Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bella watching my throat. She swallowed hard and answered that she didn't know, but some of the items had olives in them. I repressed a smile as she shifted around on the platform a bit.

"Did Alice at least put you on a mattress?" I gestured at her resting spot. After spending all night in one position, she going to need some talented fingers to massage out the kinks. I promised myself that if things were going well later on, I would offer up my services. "That's gotta be uncomfortable as hell if not."

Bella gave me another heart stopping smile. "Yes, I do have one, but I still think I'll be getting bedsores before long."

I almost made my offer of a massage. Almost.

She shifted a bit again. I watched in hopes that the blasted sheet would move and offer me a glimpse of heaven. No luck. Was that damn thing glued on?

"Emmett told me you're studying to be a doctor in Chicago. That must be tough."

I shrugged and loosened my tie a bit more. It was warm in here. "Yeah, I'm in my last year of medical school and I'm surprised I haven't gone off the deep end yet." I told her as I swiped a canapé off her hip. I 'accidentally' brushed her skin, again. I congratulated myself on the fact that I hadn't forgotten how to flirt. "The only thing I do anymore is study," I continued on, "This is actually the first time I've had a weekend off in a month. I can't even remember the last time I went on a date. I should've been a priest for all the dating I do."

Well, Edward, congrats, you just admitted to her that you're a geek of epic proportions.

I chanced a peek at Bella's face and she didn't appear to be thinking I was a loser. She chuckled and looked rather excited, actually. Her brown eyes were glowing. Perhaps this was moving along smoother than I thought. I eagerly went back to flirting.

I fired off a smooth double entendre. "So what other types of food have you got for me?" I leaned over Bella's hip and inspected the hors d'oeuvres more closely. Well, to be honest, I was still trying peer down the sheet. I plucked something orange off her body gave it a try. Too much cheese.

I got back to the conversation. I wanted to know more about her.

Experience had taught me that taking some time to get to know a girl before you slept with her was a good idea. Otherwise, you may end up sleeping with Hairy Hannah. Don't get me wrong, Hannah had a great personality but she just didn't care about shaving. Contrary to popular belief the phrase 'Fear the 'Fro' was actually coined for Hannah's crotch, not Ben Wallace's head.

"So, Bella, what is it that you do for a living?" I asked as I slipped off my jacket and tie. I was overly warm and I don't think it had anything to do with the temperature of the room.

During the next few hours I did my best to draw Bella out and let her know about me in return.

I asked her about her work, childhood, friends, likes and dislikes.

I learned that she was just starting her career as a computer programmer. And while she enjoyed her job, it was frequently boring. She hoped to get a promotion in a few years.

She explained that she had been best friends with Alice and Rosalie since 1st grade. They met on the playground when some 2nd grade bully was trying to bury Alice in the sand. Rosalie and Bella came to her rescue by pushing the bully down and burying his ass in the sand instead.

I would have to remember that when I was dealing with Bella, I was also dealing with Alice and Rose. It spoke volumes about their characters. They were very close knit.

I laughed long and hard when she told me about the dog peeing incident when she was 5. Bella said she was minding her own business, playing with her Barbie dolls, when the neighbor's poodle came over, lifted his leg and peed on her pants. She retaliated and peed on him in return. Her mom was mortified, but the neighbor thought it was funny as hell. She admitted the dog avoided her after that.

She seemed embarrassed by that story, so to make her feel better I told her about the carpet incident I had with Emmett.

Since Emmett and I grew up in the same neighborhood, we were always at each other's houses. Even with Emmett being 7 years older than me, we hung out a lot. Around noon on a sunny, summer day, my 9 year old self wandered over to Emmett's house and walked right up the stairs to his room, intent on dragging him out to play some video games. I knocked, called out that it was me and barged right in. Emmett and some girl dove under his covers.

The girl shrieked and Emmett gasped. It looked like they were both naked.

"Hey!" I said accusingly and pointed a grubby finger at him, "You know you're not supposed to have girls up here!"

"Shit, Edward, don't you know to knock first!"

"I did knock! What are you guys doing, anyway," I asked him curiously. I was still in the 'girls had cooties' stage, so I didn't get what was so great about women.

He turned beet red and mumbled, "Uh, nothing, really. I was just, uh, carpet munching, you know. Yeah….." He was flustered; I couldn't get anything else out of him about this carpet munching stuff, so I turned around, shut the door and left.

After I got home, I kept mulling over Emmett's explanation in my head. I didn't get what was so great about carpet. It smelled funny, so wouldn't it taste funny too? I thought about all the moaning and sighing I heard when I got to the top of the stairs at Emmett's. Those noises were happy noises, not sad noises. Maybe Emmett and that girl were onto something. Maybe it was one of those things adults didn't like kids to know.

I was determined to figure this out, so I jumped up off the couch, crouched down on the rug and started trying to eat the berber.

A minute later I heard my mother screaming behind me, asking me what the heck was I doing.

I spat out some bits of carpet and got off my knees. "I was carpet munching, mom" I explained, my green eyes wide with innocence, "Emmett and his girlfriend were doing it earlier and I wanted to see what was so great about it." I paused and wrinkled my forehead in confusion before plunging on. "It didn't taste good. Maybe I should've been naked like those guys were?"

My mother fainted.

Emmett refused to even look at me for weeks afterward.

I was 11 before I finally figured out what had been going on in Emmett's room that day. And I was 17 when I tried carpet munching for myself.

Bella was wiping away tears by the end of that tale. I glanced at the sheet between her legs hoping this time it might move. Nope. However, her boobs were jiggling nicely.

"Um, if you could keep that tale under wraps," I asked her nervously, "Emmett and I don't talk about it." It was one of the most taboo topics in our family.

"O-Okay," was her stuttered reply. She had even snorted. How adorable!

"Hey, you want something to drink?"

She nodded and I went to grab us both some bubbly. I popped a straw in the flute I got for her. More brownie points for me!

I shooed away a couple of lecherous old geezers from the platform after I returned. I held the glass carefully while Bella drank. I watched with rapt attention as her plump, red lips wrapped themselves around the straw. Damn, it would be so much better if they were wrapped around my dick instead. I wondered if she would be curious to find out how many licks it took to get to the center of my Tootsie Pop?

She took one last pull on the straw and looked up at me from under those long, black eyelashes. Her brown eyes were warm with gratitude. "Thank you," she whispered.

"No problem." I gave her my best crooked grin. Her breathing increased and I watched in fascination as her breasts started to jiggle again. They were hypnotic. I froze a moment later when she moved the arm covering her boobs. I caught a glimpse of her nipples. Mr. Ed sprung back into action. He was begging me to climb on the platform, push Bella onto her back and let him ravish her.

I distracted myself and deflated Mr. Ed by using the old standby – Emmett in his kilt.

An hour later I was telling Bella all about my piano lessons when I noticed that her eyes kept drifting to my hair. Every time I ran my hands through my hair, she would watch. Her fingers would move slightly and her little pink tongue would poke out from behind those very fuckable lips.

I've had compliments on my bed head. Most of my ex girlfriends thought it looked sexy. Apparently, so did Bella.

Oh, wait, her eyes were now zeroed in on my crotch. She's staring – hard. Yes! The smiling, moaning, touching and talking seem to have paid off. She wants me!

"Bella," I snickered, trying to get her attention away from my pants.

She jerked her eyes back up to mine and blushed a deep crimson. It was definitely time to ask her about that massage.

Before I could ask where she'd like my fingers on her body, a reject from the Partridge Family bus appeared out of nowhere. Fucking hell, it was the douche bag in the powder blue polyester leisure suit. Hmph. I growled at him and gave him my best 'piss off' look. No dice. He was staring at Bella's boobs like the meaning of life was written on them. I wanted to tell him to quit staring at her chest. Those were my boobies, damn it! Time to bring out the big guns.

I leaned over Bella and said, "You know, I haven't tried any of those tiny cracker things on your hip yet."

Instead of my fingers though, I used my mouth. I gently pressed my lips to her hip, not even bothering to try for a cracker. I reveled in her sweet scent. I let my tongue slide across her skin, licking what I could. She tasted like vanilla and honey.

There was a loud, feminine gasp and her hips moved. I smiled to myself. Yes, she definitely enjoyed that.

When I sat up the leisure suit gave me dirty look and muttered 'prick'. He turned on his powder blue heels and got the hell out of Dodge.

Time to turn up the heat. I looked back at Bella and gave her a wicked grin. She turned a bright, fire engine red. Her face and neck were flaming. It even seemed to spreading across her chest. My eyes traveled down her body, following the bright red path.

I cleared my throat, but my voice still came out hoarse and I was breathing like I had run a fucking marathon. "Just how far down does that blush go?"

I watched as my hand, without any prompting from my brain, reached out and pulled the sheet away. Just one tiny peek. She had shaved everything off. Dear god, that was so hot! So soft and smooth looking. I couldn't wait to get my mouth on her.

There was a loud moan. My blood started boiling. Vocal women were such a turn on.

I laughed quietly. "What's wrong, Bella?" I said in my best bedroom voice. "You seem…. bothered."

Her eyes narrowed. Oh shit, maybe I took things too far? Mr. Ed quailed in fear. He was going to emancipate himself and leave me a eunuch if I didn't get some tonight.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Edward?" Her tone of voice compelled me to answer truthfully.

I tossed back the rest of my champagne. "Yes. Is it working? Because if it's not, let me know now." I gave her a blazing look and leaned in close to whisper in her ear. "I've got a hard on that won't quit. I may have to find the on call room so I can take a shower or jack off."

Gauntlet thrown down.

"Gah," was her only response.

I chuckled.

"I'll take that as a yes." I let my lips trail softly over her ear. "My control is shot and I am so very close to fucking you right here on this platform, witnesses be damned." I let my mouth trace a path onto her neck and kissed her. Mmm, yes, we are going to have some fun this weekend. I definitely didn't want to settle for just tonight.

My brain kicked in and I realized that we were still surrounded by people and I needed to get us somewhere private – fast.

I sat up and asked, "When do you get off? It's 11pm and the party should be ending soon." I looked at the clock to confirm the time. Yes, please let it end soon. I went back to staring at her crotch. I am sure the hors d'oeuvre couldn't compare to the taste of Bella.

I was dimly aware of her saying something, but I was busy contemplating how best to start off the evening. I definitely had to take care of her first. Otherwise, I would piss her off and round two wouldn't happen. I needed a round two.. and three and four…..

"Edward?" she called out. I looked up at her. She was giving me an amused smile. Thank god she couldn't read minds. "Pull those screens together, would you?" She pointed out two tall opaque screens standing nearby. "And grab that trashcan on the floor behind the platform. I need to get the rest of this stuff off me."

I quickly got the screens positioned in front of the platform.

Unless someone came around behind them, we were closed off from the rest of the room. This was rather private.

I grabbed the trashcan and went to clean Bella off. "Are you sure Alice won't mind? She seems like……Oh, god……."

The can dropped from my nerveless fingers. Jesus. What an ass. It was perfect. Round and firm. Not a blemish to be seen. I'd be spending lots of time worshipping that beautiful backside. With my hands, with my tongue. And I'd be asking if she wouldn't mind me playing the back nine. The thought of getting to gaze at that ass while I was pounding her from behind almost made me cum in my pants.

I shook my head to banish the fantasies. "Do you mind if I…." I picked up the can and nodded at the food still on her body.

"Not at all, I'm sure you're up for the job." She was staring pointedly at my tented pants.

I sat down behind her knees and began to sling the remaining bits of food into the can.

"I'm a guy, what can I say? I can't hide it when I'm turned on." I explained. "What about you? Have I managed to turn you on?" My voice was cocky and sure.

"Nope, not even a little."

Uh huh, she's lying I bet. I considered sliding a finger between her thighs, then realized the sheet would provide me with any evidence I needed. I gave a tug and it came free.


I put the sheet up to my nose and inhaled. She had been fibbing. It was drenched and smelled a little like Bella's skin had. .

"Shit, this sheet is soaking wet. Someone hasn't been truthful."

I took another hit off the sheet.

"Fuck, Bella," I moaned, "you smell so damn good." I closed my eyes and ran my tongue over the wet spot.

"Please," I begged her, "let me eat you out."

Every one of my nerves was on fire as I watched her slowly roll over onto her back. Her legs spread wide and I saw she was already wet for me. I wanted to reach out and stroke her clit. But she suddenly moved her arm out of the way and I finally got a good look at her nipples. They were dusky and round and hard as rocks. Turned on indeed. Her eyes were black with want. 'Now!' they were telling me.

I obliged her by reaching out slowly and grasping her hips in my hands. I looked at her, wanting to give her the option of stopping this before we went any further. Her expression never changed. She didn't mind where we were either. As long as we were quiet and didn't prolong this, who would know?

I gave her a reassuring smile and lowered my head to her pussy. She smelled intoxicating. Vanilla and a hint of soap were mixed in with her own intimate scent. I growled and let my nose trace over her folds before placing a kiss on her clit. Her body bucked in my hands and I gripped her a little harder. Her response was all I needed to start licking earnest. My tongue was gentle at first. Feather light.

When her body started to squirm I began to change my rhythm. I let myself lick harder then slipped my tongue inside, making sure to lap up all her juices. She moaned softly, enjoying my attentions. My tongue went back on her clit and I slipped a finger inside of her. So goddamn tight and wet. I slipped in another finger and began slowing pumping in and out, all the while sucking on her sweet spot. Bella was writhing now. Her knuckles were white. She was gripping the mattress hard.

I increased my hold on her hip as I slid a third finger inside. I pumped harder now and she pushed back against my hand, trying to fling herself over the edge. My fingers curled up, trying to find a g spot.

"Fuck, Edward!" She was panting heavily. Her moans were getting louder and her hips were bucking wildly.

I watched as she started to come undone – her mouth an 'O' of pleasure.

"I'm gonna… oh, damn, that feels so… yes, right there… suck it harder."

I increased the pressure on her clit and gently used my teeth.

"Yes! I'm cum…."

I quickly covered her mouth to muffle her cries. She shuddered from head to toe as she came. It was an awe inspiring sight.

I placed one more kiss on her clit and then headed north towards her breasts. Placing kisses along her belly button, and trailing up her abs. I stopped at the underside of her breast. She flinched. Someone had a ticklish spot. I licked at it until she was squirming and giggling like a school girl.

I smiled, cupped her breasts and then carefully took a nipple in my mouth. My tongue swirled around the hardened peak and then sucked on it rather hard. I felt her hands grab onto my hair. I tugged and teased her nipples while she ran her fingers through my locks. Bella seemed to have a hair fetish. I didn't mind, her hands were just adding to my arousal.

I let one hand slide back down between her legs. She was still wet and swollen. My fingers danced across her pussy again.

Bella let go of my head and I felt her hands on my shirt, fumbling with the buttons. I knew what she wanted.

I looked up at her, my eyes letting her know that we didn't have to do this here.

"Please," was all she said.

I stood and undid the rest of the buttons on my shirt and let it drop to the floor. Her eyes roamed over my bare skin. From the way she was looking at my body, I could say she liked my chest as much as I liked hers.

She abruptly sat up and reached out for my belt. I grabbed her hand before she could do anything. If she so much as grazed my erection, I was going to blow a load in my pants. And I haven't humiliated myself like that since I was 17.

To give my self a moment and get some control I let out a small chuckle and asked, "Anxious, are we?"

Her response was an utterly adorable pout. I still didn't cave. She pouted some more and then her expression got crafty. A moment later she was on her knees and less than a foot away. She dropped her head and looked up at me through her lashes and ran that lovely pink tongue over her lips.

Oh god, this wasn't going to help the situation in my pants. I just knew it.

Sure enough, her head tilted seductively to one side and she said in a breathy little voice, "Come on, Edward. It's not nice to tease." And then came the best/worst part. She cupped her breast, brought it up to her mouth and flicked her tongue out to lick the nipple.

I froze up. That had to be the sexiest little performance I'd ever seen. I wanted her to do it again, preferably on camera so I could view it anytime I wanted.

Bella's smile became positively gloating. That did it. I lurched forward and grabbed her by the arms. I needed to kiss her senseless. .

I pressed my body against hers. My lips came down hard and I slid my hands into her hair to hold her steady. I ravished that mouth completely. I sucked, nibbled and relentlessly explored everywhere my tongue could reach. We both moaned and groped each other with abandon.

I couldn't recall the last time I had so much fun making out with a woman. It was fucking glorious.

My hands were busy exploring her ass when she raked her nails lightly down my back. I ground my crotch into hers and groaned. She did it again.

I let go of her ass and frantically started unzipping my pants. They were too tight and needed to come off. I slipped off my shoes and the pants followed right after.

Bella broke the kiss. "Let me see you," she whispered, looking down at my bare body.

I put my forehead against hers and watched her run her hands all over my chest and abs. Her fingers moved slowly down my stomach and I hissed in pleasure when her hand finally closed around my dick. I closed my eyes as she carefully began to stroke me. God, that felt so good. Her hand gripped me harder and her strokes got faster.

"Bella don't, or this is going to be a very short ride."

She smiled at me and I kissed her again. Grabbing the backs of her thighs, I pulled her up into my arms. Her legs wrapped around my waist and I felt her rub that wonderful pussy against me. We needed to sit down or I would spontaneously combust.

I turned us around and dropped heavily onto the platform. Her arms went back around my neck and her mouth found mine. Our make out session was turning savage as we licked, nipped and bit every inch of skin we could find.

I felt like I was burning up. I wanted to crawl inside of her and never come out. Bella's body was the finest instrument I could ever play. So warm and soft. So responsive under my hands. I let my fingers caress her thighs before I found that little bundle of nerves again and pinched, hard. She responded with the most amazing sounds. I slipped a finger inside and began to pump in and out once again. I leaned back and watched as my fingers worked her into a frenzy. Her hands slid into her hair and I had the most amazing view of those magnificent, bouncing breasts as she orgasmed.

Her dark eyes opened and she watched me as I slowly licked each finger clean. "Mmm, you taste delicious, so damn sweet." She kissed my lips and her tongue found its way into my mouth. She was tasting herself on me, I could tell. Christ, that was fucking sexy.

I grasped her hips and position her over my erection. I needed to be inside of her – now.

She grinned and slowly, teasingly, lowered herself onto me. She was tight as hell and wetter than a rain forest. It felt incredible.

We both went very still for a moment. I wanted to give her time to adjust. She would set the pace.

Bella's hips moved gently at first, and then she found a rhythm she liked. I held onto her, making sure I matched her movements. For a little while, I just enjoyed the sensation of her tight pussy wrapped around my dick.

I almost came when her hands moved up the sides of her body to cup her breasts. She teased and tugged at her nipples.

I was close and I wanted to pound her harder, so I braced my hands behind me and slammed into her over and over, never breaking our rhythm. My balls tightened and I could feel my body coiling, getting ready for release.

Bella leaned forward and pressed herself against my chest. Another searing kiss followed.

"Edward," she cried into my mouth as her third orgasm ripped through her.

The damn broke and I followed her over the brink. My body convulsed as I came, spilling myself into her. I shut my eyes tight as the overwhelmingly pleasurable sensations rode my body.

My head dropped back and I attempted to catch my breath as we both came down from our highs. That was one hell of a work out. And I definitely wanted to do it again – soon. I didn't think she'd say no, but there was always the possibility she just was looking for a one time thing.

Bella's body slumped against mine as she buried her face in the crook of my neck. I smiled because she sounded like she'd had a good work out too. .

Even though I knew we should get out of here, I didn't feel like moving just yet. I clutched her to my chest and dropped kisses in her hair and around her ear.

I spotted a flash of color out of the corner of my eye and with a feeling of dread turned my head slightly to look at what it was.

"Fuck," I mumbled. We were busted. I tightened my grip on Bella, trying to hide as much of her body as I could.

Emmett, Alice and Jasper had finally come looking for us. Crap, just another few minutes and we would've been dressed.

Bella's head came up at my swearing and she looked over at her 3 friends. Instead of trying to cover up, she just started laughing like a loon.

Despite our predicament, I could see what was funny. They looked like a very bad version of See No Evil, Speak No Evil and Hear No Evil. Well, See and Speak anyway. Alice was mumbling, "didn't see anything, oh god, didn't see anything!" with her hands covering her eyes. Jasper's hand was over his mouth, but he looked scared or appalled; I couldn't say which. And Emmett ruined it all. Instead of having his hands over his ears, he looked like he'd won the lotto and gave us two thumbs up. I didn't see how we'd get two thumbs down. We were naked, and Emmett liked seeing people naked. His self included. I caught him once as he admired his own junk in the mirror.

"Bella," I whispered to her. I wanted to get the hell away from our audience.

"Yes, Edward?"

"I don't suppose you're up for another round sometime soon? Some place a bit more private." My voice shook a bit from nerves. I wanted her to say yes.

She started laughing again. "My apartment is about 20 minutes from here. Is that enough time for you to recharge?"



Kilts are traditionally worn without undergarments.

A caber is a pole that's similar in length and weight to a wooden telephone pole.

While Mac is thought of as traditionally Scottish and Mc Irish, it really isn't true.

In order to alleviate my boredom while writing this, I tried to make it as different as I could.


The Braille titted girl actually exists. Poor thing.