Disclaimer: I still don't and never will own Resident Evil 4 and/or its characters. I am not making any profit from writing this either.
Inspired by: The lot of feedback I got on Leon's Letter. It's my most popular one-shot ever. How odd.
This is the Merchant's letter to Capcom.
'Ello there, Capcom!
It's me, your merchant. Or Mark, considering the fact I actually have a name too. Listen, I know my friend the Strangah sent you a letter not too long ago. I at that moment was in Europe, so I did not have the chance to tell you what I thought of the game. Because hear me out, strangah, I have a few things to say aswell.
Just like my friend the Strangah did I will break it down into little pieces and explain each pain in the ass separately, so you can decide what parts of the game to work on.
Pain number one; The ammo I had on me.
My, my strangah, I noticed that every single time I appeared in the game, I was carrying shitloads of ammo. This is very logical considering the fact I sell guns, but how come in the game I didn't sell the ammo? Poor Strangah, every time he needed more ammo he would have to buy an upgrade for his gun, while buying some ammo would've been much easier. And cheaper as a matter fact.
Don't get me wrong there, strangah... I like cash, and the more people buy, the more cash I get, but when someone is low on ammo, I will sell it. That's what every normal merchant would do. They sell what they have. Except for their clothes anyway.
Pain number two: My eyes.
Ah listen to this, strangah... Sometimes in the videogame my eyes have an orange glow. That is fine, I can live with that. Actually, from a distance it made me look rather spooky, and that's always a big plus. But then I grabbed the rifle and zoomed in on my face...
What did I see? I saw the glow wasn't located on my eyes. It was a bit off. I'm sure not many give a damn about that, but I do strangah, because I'm the one you based that stupid merchant on in the first place.
If you want to do something like that, do it right!
Pain number three; My stalking habit.
I was always around in the game, wasn't I? No matter where the Strangah went, I was always around and I beat him to every single location. How did I do that?
A few days ago I made an attempt to walk through a wall, just to see if that was the secret to getting everywhere quickly. Well strangah, I failed. I walked right into a wall and now have a bump on my head.
I'm not saying this to prove to you that I am stupid, because I am not. I'm saying this because I wanted to prove that in the game it makes no sense that I am everywhere. I can not walk through walls, I can not fly and I definitely don't know any teleportation tricks.
Think about that next time, will ya?
Pain number four; The blue flame.
Ah, my flame. You used it in the game, and that makes me proud... Of course it does, it is my trademark after all. There is one thing though; The blue flame in the game never ever goes out. I know that's probably because it would make the game even more confusing, but I didn't quite like it.
Listen strangah, if I'm outside and it's a little stormy or rainy, my flame tends to go out. It just fizzles and sizzles for a while, and a brief moment later I am wrapped in darkness. That is unless the sun is shining anyway.
No flame, unless it's fuelled by something like oil, will keep on burning like that. You should know Capcom, if you're able to make a videogame, you're probably not retarded.
Pain number five; Other customers.
For heaven's sake strangah, you made it look like I only had one customer, which would've been the Strangah. Then, in Separate Ways, you made Ada buy some of my shit too. But that only makes two, while in reality I was providing everyone that needed something with whatever they needed. I sold Dr. Salvador and his relatives several items, including chainsaws, pitchforks, axes and dynamite.
I admit, most of those items I stole from the village because I was pissed off at Saddler for giving me a plaga, but I sold them nevertheless.
I even sold that Krauser guy some flash grenades, which I had bought from the Strangah. I think it's rather funny when you think about it... The Strangah fought Krauser, and everytime Krauser used a flash grenade, the Strangah was blinded by an item he had found himself.
Ahwell, that's what ya get for selling things I accidently leave behind when I'm taking my business someplace else.
Pain number six; Scattered ammo.
In the game you find lots of ammo. It's coming out of enemies, it's found in crates, barrels and vases and sometimes it's just lying there, as if someone left it there on purpose.
Now I wonder... I'm sure the Strangah told you about the fact that sometimes he accidently found ammo. I also know he's not aware of where that ammo came from. Here's the thing; I left it there.
No, I didn't leave it there because I'm nice, I left it there by accident. Usually when I'm outside selling things, I tend to move from place to place, so people always know where I am. That you know.
However, when I leave one of my posts, I tend to forget things. From handgun ammo to magnum rounds, you name it, I forget it.
It's that damn plaga. It has some side-effects.
Pain number seven; Women.
In 'Seperate ways' Ada buys some of my weapons and first-aid sprays. That is great strangah, because that meant that the cash was flowing in on regular bases. But there is one thing I don't quite understand...
You made me treat Ada the same way I treated the Strangah. Ada and the Strangah are two completely different human beings. The Strangah is like an emo-boy on the run, pretending to be a hero while secretly looking for hairspray, thus not very attractive at all. Then Ada... She is a lovely young woman with a body that will drop every jaw in the room when she enters.
Rather than treating her like the Strangah as you suggested in Seperate Ways, I actually made love to her. On several occasions. Once even while I was selling a Spinel to a random ganado.
So Strangah, I am not unaffected by women. Just like my friend I like 'banging people' too. Ada, my girlfriend and even Ashley, though if I were you I wouldn't tell that to the Strangah. I believe he and Ashley are getting married soon. I was invited too as a matter of fact.
So if you tell the Strangah I banged his girl he might not let me come to his wedding after all and that would be a shame. I want to eat some cake too.
Pain number eight; That hole in my roof?
Strangah, what was up with that? When on the lake and taking a wrong turn you will come to my little hide-out. That's true, go to the real lake and you will end up there too. However in the game I saw the Strangah enter my little shack by going through a hole in the roof.
Now tell me, why is there a hole in the roof? Is it supposed to be the only way out? Because I do have a door! Or did someone in a strange mood accidently blow my chimney off?
If that's the case, why did I even have a chimney?
Having a chimney suggests that I have a fireplace. Having a fireplace while living in a cave is pretty damn stupid, you know that? Imagine this; I start a fire in my fireplace. The smoke goes out through the chimney and fills the cave. I would die strangah! I would very probably suffocate, and that's a rather lame way to die. So please, when re-making the game, for heaven's sake, put-in-a-door!
Pain number nine; That backpack!
Heh, had I worn a backpack like that in real life then it would've been a pain indeed. Literally. I don't understand why you would give me a giant backpack. I mean come on, what normal merchant travels while carrying all of his merchandise with him? I sure as hell do not. If some strangah wants a gun and I'm not carrying that specific gun, I will politely ask them to return some other day. Yes, I will ask them to return rather than yelling "Not enough cash, strangah!"
A backpack like that isn't very good for your back. Had I carried one in real life then I would be in the hospital right now, waiting for surgery to get rid of some damn hernia.
Also, I'm a merchant, I need to look at least a little representative. And slouching does not look very representative to me. I'm sure it doesn't to you either.
So please, remove it. Unless you want a hole in your roof too?!
Pain number 10; My very 'original' lines.
Maybe, because it's a videogame, you can't give every single character a whole lot of text. But I think when you gave me my 'lines', you were very uninspired and bored.
Are you aware of the fact that you made me look stupid? I said about eight different things, all about weapons and selling things. However in real life I had more lines than all of the other strangers together. Why? Because, unlike in the game, I am actually quite a social human being. Or ganado being, whatever you want.
For example while selling things to the Strangah I always made small conversation. About sheep, videogames (Yes, for example Final Fantasy and The Legend of Zelda) and the whole Coca Cola versus Pepsi-thing.
As a matter of fact, the Strangah and I had several arguements about those topics. Especially about sheep.
Pain number eleven; Phonecalls.
While playing this Resident Evil game I had to watch a lot of scenes containing phonecalls. Like between the Strangah and that even stranger woman with the glasses. And between the Strangah and Salazar and Saddler. And then between Ada and that man with the sunglasses, Wesker I believe.
You forgot to include the most important phonecall that took place back then... The one where I made an attempt to order a pizza with Ada's phone.
Here is what happened... Ada, after buying some of my shit, went to fight some ganados. It happened near where that truck crashed, remember that? When Ashley was driving? (Come on, why do you think it crashed in the first place?). Anyway, after killing a bunch a of ganados Ada sat down to catch her breath for a moment, and at that point she lost her phone.
I saw it happen and wanted to bring it back to her, but she was gone already, so I decided to wait until she would come back again. So I waited, and waited, and waited some more... And I got hungry.
I wanted a pizza. A tasty, delicious pizza with pineapple and lots of ham, so I grabbed the phone. I scrolled through the phonebook and guess what, strangah? I found the word 'Pizza'. So I called it because I thought it would be something related to a Pizzahut. However rather than getting a pizza-merchant I was met with the face of that Wesker.
"What?" The man stared at me and looked slightly angry.
"I would like one large pizza, strangah!"
... Come on Capcom, why did you not include that epic call?
Come to think of it... Why did Ada put Wesker's number in her phone under the name 'Pizza'? Heh, maybe he's an undercover pizza-merchant. I should call him again someday.
Pain number twelve; Not being in the ending of the game.I'm sure the Strangah already told you this but I will do it again. I was there when they escaped the island. I was the one on the jet-ski, the Strangah was the one sitting on the back and Ashley followed us on water-ski's.
Please, when re-making the game, include that. I bet it looked awesome!
Pain number thirteen, the biggest pain in the ass ever; Resident Evil 5.
I'm not in it. Damn you Capcom, if you do not remake RE5 very soon I will show you how powerful the Chicago Typewriter really is! Then I will make a hole in your roof, steal your videogame-making-equipment and remake both videogames myself!
There is no way in Hell, or no way in Africa I suppose, that that Redfield-guy will be able to get out alive without my expertise, amazing pick-up lines and obviously my merchandise.
Well Capcom, I think I've explained all pains very clearly, so I'll be awaiting your reply.
Please remember to make a RE-make of RE4 and RE5 and be sure to give me more text... Oh, and for fuck's sake, remove that hole in my roof. It's very uncalled for.
Marcus Noah, mr. Merchant.
Come back anytime.
I like writing these, they give me a chance to voice my own opinion on parts of videogames but through the eyes of a character. Highly amusing to write.
I hope you liked it.