Title: Male Strippers
Pairing:
Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura
Genre(s):
Humor/Romance
Summary:
Why Sasuke was angry was not beyond her. "Naruto," Sakura said slowly, "why did you hire me a male stripper for my eighteenth birthday?"
Prompt:
"Your mom goes to college." Ping pong tournament.
Rating:
PG-15. Ooh, scary. ;)
Word Count:
2694
Warning:
A VERY CREEPY ITACHI. LOLOL.

A request for EWHH its Kenna. :) If you're interested in making a request also, the information is on my page.

Disclaimed.
read&review.


Sakura blanched. "You have got to be shitting me."

"Nothing but the best for Sakura-chan, right?" Naruto's arm felt heavy on her shoulders. She swallowed thickly, stealing a glance at her boyfriend, who was currently a very angry-looking Sasuke.

Well, as angry as Sasuke could look, anyway.

"This is—this is what you consider the best? Is this really what you think of me?" She felt like she was going mad, and the night hadn't even started yet.

"What do you mean?"

"You hired a male stripper for my eighteenth birthday!"

If possible, Sasuke's scowl deepened. "Who happens to be my brother."

Oh. Well, that was awkward.

"You mean the brother who walked out on your family, saying 'Fuck you all and the sticks up your asses!'?" Naruto laughed, removing his arm from Sakura's shoulders. She wanted to curl up in a corner, shrivel up, and die.

"Is there any other?" she asked weakly.

The three of them promptly looked over at Uchiha Itachi, who was standing a little ways off, wearing tight jeans and a well-fitting—ahem—t-shirt. His eyes moved from the each of them; Naruto, Sakura, and finally, Sasuke.

"His profile said his name was Patricia!" their blonde friend said indignantly.

"That's his stage name, dobe."

(Although, why a male stripper would want a stage name such as Patricia was beyond her.)

Naruto shrugged. "Whatever. I was just doing Sakura-chan a favor, since we all know that you guys aren't getting it on." He looked pointedly at her and Sasuke. She flushed a deep color. They did get it on…sometimes. Never all the way, though. (And thank God, too.)

She could've sworn that she heard Itachi snicker in the corner while Sasuke glared daggers at Naruto. The mood in the room was kind of tense.

"Send him away," Sasuke said shortly. "We don't need a male stripper."

"But we want a male stripper!"

"You do. Sakura and I don't." With every retort, she could see Sasuke growing more and more frustrated. Actually, it was kind of cute. "We've just entered college." She was sure none of them appreciated being suspended in their first year.

"Your mom goes to college!"

Silence.

Sakura cleared her throat awkwardly. "That was…really bad, Naruto."

"Hn."

"The intention was just to shut teme up, okay?" The blonde crossed his arms grudgingly. "So…what are we going to do with him?" He jerked his thumb towards Itachi.

"Kick him out." Sasuke glared at his brother. "I don't want him in my sight." Sakura knew that her boyfriend had some incredible hatred for the, er, male stripper, but she never knew why. Sasuke wasn't keen on talking about it.

"Why, little brother"—why did she have a bad feeling about that smirk on his lips?—"I believe we had some unfinished business the last time we met."

Sasuke glowered. "That was over ten years ago. Get out."

"You're aware that I dislike unfinished business."

Glower. Glare. Glower, glower. Glare, glare, glare.

"Sakura," her boyfriend said suddenly, "you still have that ping pong table in your basement, right?"

She blinked. "Uh, yeah. Why?"

"We're going to use it." With that, Sasuke stalked right past her and downstairs into her basement, with Itachi and his tight clothes right at his tail. She and Naruto glanced at each other before hastily following behind.

"Shall we raise the stakes this time?" Itachi asked smoothly as he moved his wrists, warming up.

Sasuke grabbed a ping pong ball and two paddles. "If I win, you get out."

"And if I win, I'll give your girlfriend the best birthday gift I can offer." An eerie shiver went down Sakura's spine at those words, and for a moment, she hated Naruto for even considering hiring a male stripper.

"Deal."

And hence, the ping pong tournament commenced.

One minute became two. Two became five. Five became fifteen. Soon, Sakura was too afraid to look to see who was in the lead. The competitive air held between both Uchihas was so intense that it felt as though she was going to melt in it.

"Alright, alright, break time!" Naruto announced, holding up his arms. The clacking of the ball against the table stopped, and Sakura dared to sneak a glance. Both Sasuke and Itachi were breathing a little heavily, while the former was glaring venomously at the latter, who seemed quite content.

"I haven't played in years," he said lightly as he put down his paddle, "but it seems that we still stand on the same ground, little brother."

"I'm no little brother of yours," Sasuke hissed.

Did anyone other than Sakura think that they were taking this too far?

"I'll go…get some lemonade!" she said, almost shrilly. This was not how she had expected her birthday to turn out. Naruto had done crazy things before, but this…

She returned a couple of minutes later with some lemonade (thank God for that instant powder stuff. And water. Yeah, water) for everyone. Naruto quickly swiped one, Sasuke took his grudgingly, and Itachi thanked her with a brush of their fingers as she handed his glass to him.

That was more than awkward, considering he was a male stripper, and all.

Sasuke moved over to her and slipped a protective arm around her waist, sending butterflies to her stomach. He normally didn't do these things—it'd be a miracle if he even looked at her in public—so it was a new feeling.

Not that she didn't like it. She could probably get really used to it. Heh.

"I see your relationship with your girlfriend isn't bad," Itachi said conversationally as he made his way over to them. "Although it seems you two lack a little…excitement in bed."

Sakura couldn't help but notice that Naruto chose this convenient moment to disappear off the face of the earth.

"We're very sexual, thank you," Sasuke ground out, his grip tightening on her waist. She clutched at her glass of lemonade nervously, hoping that nothing happened between the brothers while she was still in between them. She had gotten her hair done with Hinata just that morning—she didn't want it getting ruined.

"Do you two enjoy experimenting?" the other Uchiha inquired, sipping at his drink. "Oral? Anal? Group sex?"

Sakura paled considerably.

Someone kill me now. Please.

"Just because you are older than me, doesn't mean that I'm afraid to pummel you." Sasuke's voice was almost shaking with anger. "Sakura, we're leaving." And with that, he began to guide her up the stairs back to the main floor.

"Wait, what? Where are we going?" Naruto kind of died in some unknown corner, so that left Itachi all alone. Male stripper or not, it was rude to leave guests in her house unattended.

(That, and she didn't really trust him in her basement…)

"To your room."

Those words left shivers running up and down her spine as Sasuke almost yanked her lemonade out of her hand, and set both his and her glass on the kitchen counter.

…Hey, she was drinking that.

"Why my room? There's nothing up there!" Her voice grew more high-pitched as they made their way up the stairs. Soon, he was practically dragging her by the arm. "Sasuke-kun!" she wailed. "It's my birthday—you should treat me with some respect!"

"Hn."

"Don't you dare hn me, you emotionally constipated boyfriend!" She paused. "And—we can't possibly do anything—it'll be considered statutory rape!"

"How many times have we agreed to not mention the fact that you're older than me?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"Just wait until you're thirty, and I'm still twenty-nine."

"…I hate you."

Sasuke closed the door to her room behind them, and her heart jumped to her throat. This was it. Their first time. She found it hard to breathe, and her heartbeat began speeding up. He dropped her hand and crossed his arms, and she played with her fingers, hands clammy.

She'd never had sex before. What if she was bad? What if—what if he thought she was ugly? They had never gone farther than a hand up the shirt—oh, God—

"S-Sasuke-kun…I…I don't think I—"

"Naruto, get out of the closet."

…Wait. What?

"What do you want, teme?" Their blonde friend's voice was muffled by the closet and clothes—dear God, her clothes

"Naruto, get out of there. Now." She stalked over to the closet and yanked the door open, to see him cowering in the corner. "My clothes—you're getting your disgusting scent on them."

He wrinkled his nose. "Don't be mean." When he crawled out and stood up, stretching, the three fell into a lapse of silence. Finally, he asked a little sheepishly, "So…where's Itachi?"

Sakura rubbed her nose. "In the basement. What are we going to do about him?"

"I'm going to win that ping pong game," Sasuke said firmly. "Then we'll mug him and kick him out."

She blinked. "Uh, mug him? Why?"

"Least he can do for our family." She swallowed apprehensively at his words.

"Okay, but we don't have to mug him…?" Clearly, he still hadn't resolved his anger issues. Sakura sighed unhappily; this was weirdest birthday she'd ever had. Ino wasn't even here to celebrate it with her—she was off in the Bahamas with her parents, or something.

(Bitch. She could've invited her along.)

When they made their way back into the basement, they were met with the most scarring sight. Ever. It was worse than the time Orochimaru-sensei dressed up in a tutu to emphasize the importance of the quality of their costumes in drama. Needless to say, the entire class had nightmares for two weeks afterwards.

Uchiha Itachi had pulled out one of the folding chairs from the storage room, and was dancing.

And it wasn't the nice kind of dancing.

Holy mother of God.

Naruto was the first to crack. "Ack! My retinas! Get him away! Get him away!" With his hands slapped over his eyes, he turned around and raced towards the stairs, blindly running into the wall instead.

Sakura and Sasuke made eye contact out of the corner of their eyes. His look clearly told her, I am not, my any means, related to Itachi anymore.

At the sound of Naruto colliding into the wall and falling to the floor in a fetal position, Itachi glanced at them and straightened up, pulling down his shirt that had ridden up a little during his little—er—performance. He wiped some sweat from his brow, and with quite a straight face, said, "I apologize. It didn't seem like you would return anytime soon, so I decided to practice." Strands of hair had fallen free from his hair band, and he was actually kind of hot—

No, Sakura. No. Nooo.

(Inner Sakura was no help, with those wolf whistles and cheering and all.)

"Forget mugging him," Sasuke muttered, tone dark. "And that ping pong game." He stalked over to his brother, hands clenched at his sides. "Get out. Now."

Itachi raised and eyebrow. "Am I assuming that I am not receiving the money offered for my services?" Sakura trailed behind Sasuke, one of her hands reaching out to hold Sasuke's arm as a form of reassurance. For him. For her. Dammit, she needed that reassurance.

She was going to kill Naruto for this.

"You're lucky you're even walking out of this house with the same amount of money you walked in with." Sasuke was actually beginning to scare her. "Now get out."

"Not even going to walk me to the door?"

Silence.

"I-I'll walk you!" she said nervously, letting go of Sasuke's arm. "Where is your stuff?"

"Upstairs."

"Okay." She managed a smile, and made her way past Naruto's unconscious—he was unconscious, right?—form and up the stairs. She heard Itachi's footsteps close behind. "Sasuke-kun, stay there and beat up Naruto for me."

When Itachi retrieved his bag from the living room, they walked to the front door in an awkward silence.

Sasuke's brother is right beside me. Sasuke's hot brother is right beside me. Sasuke's hot brother, the male stripper is right beside me. Oh my God.

She kind of didn't want him to leave anymore, but God knew what kind of hell everyone would have to go through because of Sasuke's short temper. With that, she opened the door and he stepped outside into the night.

"I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to give you your birthday present," he said, looking genuinely upset. (As upset as an Uchiha could look, anyway.)

"Oh, no, it's okay," she said hastily, struggling to keep the smile on her face. "You've already made tonight very…memorable."

"Is that so?" Even if his smile was fake, it took her breath away.

He's beautiful.

"Yeah. I hope your, uh"—well, this was awkward—"future endeavors bring you to…spectacular places." And that was lame.

"Thank you." And with that, he did the unthinkable. Uchiha Itachi leaned down and slanted his mouth against hers. Hard. Demandingly. Passionately.

Oh. My. God.

When he pulled away, he smirked at her and winked. "Can't resist ticking off my little brother, after all." And he walked down her walkway and disappeared around the corner. Sakura stood there for the next few moments in absolute shock, before she shakily closed the door and stumbled back downstairs.

"Sakura?" Sasuke, who was supporting Naruto's (still) unconscious body, dropped him the moment he saw her. "You look pale."

"I'm…alright," she managed, laughing nervously. I mean, your brother just kissed me. And it was hot.

He frowned. That was a bad sign. A frowning Sasuke meant that he was onto her. "Are you sure?" he asked uncertainly, eyeing her.

"Yeah!" She smiled, making her way to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, just for good measure. "Just kind of…tired. The last hour has been…really weird." When she licked her lips nervously, she was horrified to realize that they tasted of Itachi.

Better not kiss Sasuke yet, then.

They were silent for a while, and a smile tugged at her lips when he finally wrapped one of his arms loosely around her waist. "Itachi made me think," he said slowly. "Do you dislike our lack of…" She nearly laughed out loud when she looked up at him and found the faintest pink tinting his cheeks. "…action in bed?"

"I—what?" She couldn't help but burst into a fit of giggles. "No!" Uh-oh. Did she say the wrong thing? He kind of looked upset. "I mean—if you want to, I'm sure we…" It was her turn to blush. "But when he talked about experimenting…"

"Naruto told me once that girls liked…threesomes." Sasuke looked really uncomfortable.

Her cheeks flared. "He what? I don't—well, I suppose I don't really know—it wouldn't hurt to try—" Yes it would, Inner Sakura snickered. Literally. "Uh…Sasuke-kun?"

"Who would you like it with?"

She choked on her own spit. "What?"

"I could tolerate Ino. Even Naruto." Faintly, she wondered if he was naming off the number of people they could have a threesome with. "But not Sai."

"What about Itachi?"

"What."

"Nothing."

Pause.

Sakura cleared her throat. "Well, before we even talk about threesomes…I suppose we should try the…actual thing first?" At the very thought, she could feel herself growing lightheaded. "But not now, of course." Sasuke's expression seemed to fall a little. "Not that I don't want to! It's just that—well, Naruto—" The two simultaneously glanced at their unconscious friend.

Sasuke voiced out both of their thoughts. "It doesn't look like he's going to wake up anytime soon."

She swallowed. "No, it doesn't."

After a shared glance at each other, much to her horror, Sasuke began leading her up the stairs. Well, not horror, really—she wanted to have sex with Sasuke—but that was kind of awkward, considering that Naruto was unconscious in her basement while they were getting it on in her room—

When he kissed her, however, all thoughts were wiped from her mind.

Pulling away, he looked at her oddly. She frowned. "Is something wrong?"

He paused, as if thinking. "Are you using a different type of lip chap today?"

Oh, shit.


A/N: Sorry this took so long. Finals demand my attention. Blech. I also have a Japanese midterm next Saturday, my piano recital this Wednesday, and…yeah. I FAILED MY HISTORY IV TEST, YO. :D BY 2.5%! (Why the passing mark is 60% is beyond me…)

BTW, Patricia the Stripper by Chris de Burgh. Check it out.

AND GO VOTE ON MY POLL. YEAAAAH.

EDIT: My fanartist was also a doll and drew me some fanart for this. It's on my deviantART; the link is on my page. It's called "will dance for food". Teehee. :3