Title: Guilt
Author: Sapphire Smoke
Part 3/3 of the "I'm Not One Of Them" Series
Summary: Hurting Parker was never part of the plan.
Feedback: Give it to me, baby ;]

No matter how much I was sure I needed Parker in my life, my pride got in the way. I refused to go crawling back to her, begging her to forgive me and to admit that I was wrong. Because maybe I was a little wrong, maybe I did like… god, I don't even want to say it in my head. I just liked Parker, just Parker. That's it. I can admit to that, but that's all that's going to happen at the moment. Baby steps, right? Why couldn't she just accept that?

And plus, if she really wanted to be with me that bad, why should she care if people know or not? She still gets to be with me.

Okay, that was a little conceited, even for inside my own head.

The one problem about my pride being in the way though, is that I kept thinking about what we did, and how she made me feel, and god that orgasm… and I know if I don't do anything then there's pretty much no way in hell I'm ever going to get it again. Unless Parker comes crawling to me of course, but since she's the one that keeps leaving I don't think she ever will, which annoys me a bit. Or a lot, whatever.

Maybe I only want Parker for orgasms, is that wrong? Probably.

I keep making myself feel like a bitch right now, this never used to happen. Being all high and mighty in my head used to make me feel good. Feel comforted. Parker is screwing with everything I know.

I shoot her a glare from across the table in the briefing room because of my own thoughts and she shoots me a dirty look that clearly asked, "What was that for?"

Parker and I haven't spoken all day. We came to work the next day and haven't said two words to each other since then; I also think Nate's starting to notice because he's looking at both of us funny. I avert my eyes from him and from Parker and try to focus on whatever it is that Hardison's rambling on about that I'm sure is important, and I'm sure I'm going to look like an idiot when I have to ask questions later, but I just can't focus right now. The only thing I'm even remotely focused on is Nate not catching on too much that he'll end up asking what's wrong, because knowing Parker she'd just spit it out.

But of course, because of Murphy and his bloody law, after the meeting Nate called both of us into his office. I sighed heavily and prayed to every god I know of that Parker will just keep her mouth shut as I entered his office behind Parker. Nate closed the door and looked at us expectantly, we both just started back at him. "Well?" he asked, motioning to us. "What's going on? We can't have you two having a little spat when we're about to go on the job."

"We're not having a—!" I start to protest, angry that he would refer to any thing I might be having at the moment a 'spat', but Parker interrupts, and every god in the world fails me.

"I slept with Sophie, but she still thinks she's straight," Parker tells him matter-of-factly. I put my head in my hands; Nate just stares at her for a minute. Finally he laughed a bit, pointing at her like he just got a big inside joke.

"That… that's good, Parker. Funny. Slept with her… ha."

Parker looks like she's about to open her mouth again so I interrupt her this time, thanking god Nate didn't believe her and started lying my damn ass off. "Me and Parker went out last night and this guy that she was interested in started getting interested in me and it's just… just stupid stuff, Nate. We'll figure it out."

Parker just stared at me like she couldn't believe how convincing that sounded. "You're such a—" I knew she was about to say the word liar, which Nate would believe, so I interrupted again.

"Parker it's okay, I rejected him anyway, it was just wrong for him to do that to you." Parker looks absolutely infuriated with me for what I was saying, and glared at me.

"Well good, you two work it out okay? And Parker, don't worry about that guy, there's plenty of men out there for you," Nate said, trying to help, as he started walking out the door to give us privacy.

"I don't want a man!" she exclaimed, infuriated with how the conversation went, but Nate was already outside the door and it was closed, so she rounded on me. "I got rejected? Are you serious? If you were going to lie to be a selfish prick, at least you could have made it so you were the one that got rejected."

"You didn't have to tell him!" I yelled back, "I mean… god, Parker! What were you thinking?"

"That if you aren't going to tell people, than maybe I should," she responded, folding her arms over her chest.

"It's none of your business!" I yell at her. How does she feel she has to right to…?

"Seeing as I slept with you, it kind of is!" she exclaimed before setting her jaw and looking at me dead in the eye. If I didn't know any better, it looked like she almost was on the verge of tears. But Parker doesn't cry, right? "All I wanted…" she started after a long pause, her voice softer and slightly shaking. "Was just…. was just for you to…" But then she shook her head and said as she looked at the wall. "Nevermind, it was stupid. This is all really stupid."

"Parker?" I ask softly, watching her. She refused to look at me, and I think she might actually be crying now, and if not she's probably about to. My anger seemed to have disappeared as if it got switched off, just from looking at her in that state. I can't take seeing her like that, it was really heartbreaking, probably because Parker's always really strong. "What's stupid?" I ask her softly, though am sure I probably don't want to know the answer.

She scoffed and bit her bottom lip, shaking her head again, still refusing to make eye contact. "Thinking that you could ever…" she sighed and shook her head again. She was silent for a little while before she finished in almost a whisper, as if she wasn't sure if she wanted me to hear it or not, "I just wish I never stayed over your house."

I felt really guilty all of a sudden, and I wasn't sure why. Did I really mess up Parker that bad? Was she really happier just liking me, would she take that over having sex with me? I mean, am I that horrible to her?

Maybe I was a little.

"Don't say that," I say and step towards her, but don't move to touch her or anything, I don't think she wants me to. Which if I was to be honest also hurt me. If I didn't care about her, or didn't want to be with her, why in the hell was this bothering me so much? It just doesn't make any sense. I mean yeah I care, obviously, but not like that. Sex is one thing, relationships are another.

I'm starting to realize my standards of being gay are narrowing rapidly. That probably isn't a good sign. First flirting isn't gay, then kissing, then sex? Do I even know the definition anymore?

The dictionary is probably wrong anyway.

"Why not?" she asked in a tone of sadness and anger. She still hasn't met my gaze yet. She just purses her lips and then says, "Be better if I didn't. We wouldn't have done that… I wouldn't… I wouldn't know…"

"Know what?" I ask.

"What it's like," Parker replies and then bites her bottom lip hard and then shakes her head for yet another time, and I realize that's her way of trying to hold back her tears, which she was doing an amazing job of by the way. I couldn't hold them for even half that long if they were that close to spilling over. "We got a job to do," she says finally and then grasps the door handle and opens it, walking out before I have the chance to say anything to her.

Bollocks. Now what?

* * * * *

She was making me feel guilty. That's what she was doing. She had it all planned out in her head to make me feel like a bitch. At least, I hoped she was, otherwise my guilt was genuine and I wouldn't have anyone to blame in on but myself.

But yet I was still standing outside of her apartment door, about to apologize. Me, Sophie Devereaux, was actually going to apologize… and mean it. I just felt like I had to, seeing Parker like that over what I did to her was ripping me in half. Sure, I had screwed people over in the past, multiple times, but never one of my friends. Not someone I was close to.

When Parker opened the door she looked surprised to see me. "What are you doing here?" she asks me.

"Hello to you too, Parker," I reply, annoyed a bit at her greeting.

"Hi," she says, revising herself. Then she folds her arms across her chest and asks again, "What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?" I ask, not wanting to do this outside. I shift a bit on my feet and chew on the inside of my bottom lip, waiting for her answer.

She's silent for a minute, studying me a bit before finally saying, "Fine, yeah." She stepped aside so I could pass her, and then closes the door behind me.

We stand there for a bit, her and me, just staring at each other. I fold my arms into myself and shift a bit uncomfortably. I didn't know how to start.

"What do you want?" she asks for a third time. I smirk a bit.

"You sound like a broken record."

"A scratched CD," she corrects. I stare at her.


"That saying is really out dated," she tells me, and I can't help but roll my eyes a bit.

"Don't mess with the classics, Parker. Plus, even a CD is outdated now."

"Sophie," Parker says, looking at me seriously, and I cough because I know she knows I'm avoiding the conversation. "What?"

"Alright, alright," I say, giving up. I purse my lips and look at the ground for a minute before I look back up at her and say, "I'm sorry."

She blinks and is silent for a moment. "Wait, did you just apologize?"

"Yeah," I reply and start to chew on my bottom lip. I sigh and say, "I didn't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry I did."

She stares at me for a minute, almost like she's dumbfounded by the very idea of me apologizing, but also like she didn't know what to make of it. Finally she takes a breath and responds, "Okay."

I blink. "Is that it? That's all your going to say?" I ask, confused. I mean, where the hell were we now? Where the hell did I even want to be with her?

Parker shrugs, and my jaw drops just a little but more. "What did you want me to say?"

"I don't know, anything!" I exclaim, staring at her like I couldn't believe she was just being so… whatever the hell she was being! I mean, doesn't she want me to…!?

…Kiss her?

Oh, crap. I'm in so much trouble here.

Parker sighs and leans a bit against the wall. "Thanks for apologizing," was all she contributed.

"But…?" I start to ask, still confused. "Parker…?" Am I forgiven? Is everything better now or if she still upset with me?

I know she's still upset with me, I can see it. I bloody said I was sorry! What else does she want?!

"What do you want, Sophie?" Parker asks me softly, with so many meanings laced behind her words.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. My eyes search hers a bit desperately, not wanting to say it, but she stays silent and unmoving and I know I have to. "To kiss you…" I say, my voice cracking a bit at the truth of it. I look down at the ground and can't believe I really just said that out loud, and when I look back up, Parker no longer looks angry, her face softens and she looks at me like she wants to come up and kiss me, but yet she still didn't move.

I couldn't really handle this. I was starting to feel so many things, but the fact that Parker didn't come running to me after I just admitted that made me feel… rejected. Slightly devastated actually. How could she just have me admit that but then not do anything? Doesn't she understand how hard this is for me?

I look away from her and bite my bottom lip and furrow my eyebrows before deciding I just needed to leave. She still wasn't moving, and I didn't know what to do. I already told her, I couldn't do much more than that.

"Sophie!" Parker calls after me as I start to leave. Then her hand is on my arm, making me turn around.

"What?" I ask her, hurt and angry for her doing that to me. I glare at her, but I'm sure my true emotions showed through.

"Sleep over tonight," she requests softly, looking at me like she needs me to. I let out a breath and look at her, not knowing if I should. "Please," she requests again, even more softly.

I lick my lips and look down for a minute before nodding. I didn't know what else to do, but know I don't want to walk out of her apartment feeling the way I do right now, because that would definitely be the end of everything. I don't take rejection well at all…

* * * * *

I was waiting forever for something to happen, but it never seemed like it would. For some reason, Parker wasn't falling all over me, and I just… didn't get it. At all. I kept wondering if she just didn't like me anymore, but then why would she ask me to sleep over? Not knowing what was going on was driving me insane, so it was while Parker was making dinner slash destroying the kitchen for us, that the question just flew out of my mouth.

"What's going on with us?" I blurt out, leaning against the kitchen counter. I see Parker almost smirk out of the corner of her mouth, as she cracks an egg into the bowl, yet still managing to have half of it land on the counter.

"We're having a sleep over," she says simply. I feel like screaming.

"No, that's not what I…" I stop and bit my lip hard as I tried with ever ounce of strength in me to get the words I wanted to say out. They might have come out a little strangled, but they did come out. "I mean… romantically?" Then I revise that statement so fast it comes out a lot louder and more forceful than I originally intended it, "Sexually!" I take a breath and say a bit calmer, "Sexually, I mean, of course. Or whatever." I try to pass it off as like it's no big deal, but I think I already screwed that up all to hell.

I can't believe I just said romantically. Am I bloody daft?

Parker can't contain her smirk anymore, but she still doesn't look at me, just starts stirring the contents in the bowl, getting some on her t-shirt. "So which is it, romantically or sexually?"

"I think I'm getting a headache," I say and put my hand to my head and sit down. I couldn't do this, I was trying, I really was! Why is this so damn difficult, didn't Parker get it?!

Did I even get it?

What am I even doing?

"Aspirin's in the bathroom," Parker tells me, and she still has that stupid smirk on her face. Then I blink, and realize what the hell she's doing.

"Parker!" I exclaim accusingly. She turns around, the smirk wiped off her face, looking at me blankly.

"What?" she asks. I look at her, did I imagine the smirk? I think I'm going a bit mad, here.

"Nothing," I say finally and get up, retreating into the bathroom. I close the door behind me and sit on the loo, putting my head in my hands. I take a deep breath and try to focus on what the hell I even wanted. But the sad thing was… I already knew. I was just terrified of it.

There's a knock on the bathroom door and then it clicks open, and I look up at Parker coming in. "Did you find it?"

"Didn't look," I mumble. She smiles a little at me, almost like she's amused.

"Are you okay, Sophie?"

"Fabulous," I say, though more sarcastically than anything. She keels down next to me, putting her hand on my leg. I look up into her eyes, probably looking like a confused disaster, and she smiles again before leaning in and kissing me softly on the lips. My eyes flutter shut and my hand rests on top of hers, holding it, that warmth spreading through my body.

I had no idea how much I needed that until it happened.

"Stop thinking so much," she tells me seriously. "That's what gets us all screwed up. Just go with whatever happens, don't break it down into itty bitty pieces and study it."

I take a breath and nod, trying to do what she says. I look down and my grip on her hand tightens and she brushes a piece of hair off my face and tucks it behind my ear. "I think I might need you, Parker," I admit quietly, not wanting to look her in the eye when I said it. I didn't want to know how she'd react.

"Then have me," she tells me, as if it's simple. I look up at her, but before I can tell her it's just not that simple, she kisses me… and I forget what I was thinking in the first place. I gasp softly against her lips as she rises up to sit on top of me, straddling my waist. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her deeply, feeling like I was going off into another world all together. After awhile I started to get a bit more into it, and my hands started to come up underneath my shirt but she stops me gently with her hands.

"Dinner will burn if we do that," she tells me.

"Dinner can sod off," I tell her seriously, and she just laughs as she gets off of me, holding out her hand for me to take.

"Come on."

* * * * *

Right now I think the world has become so backwards. I used to be the one to teach Parker things, like how to have a normal everyday conversation, and yet for some reason she seemed to be the one teaching me things lately. I look into the wall mirror across the way from the couch and see myself between Parker's legs, laying down with my head on her chest as she sitting up, her eyes glued to the television as she strokes my hair softly. We looked so nice together, like we fit so well into each other, that it startled me a little bit.

It's not supposed to look like this. It's not supposed to feel this nice. So then why does it?

How did this even happen? I couldn't even remember how this started, it all seemed like a blur, even though I'm sure it wasn't but less than a week ago. Didn't I come here wanting just sex from her? So why are we all... cuddly now?

I watch as Parker looks down at me, but doesn't notice me looking at her in the mirror. Suddenly the television isn't interesting anymore, it's more interesting for her to watch herself run her fingers through my hair. She smiles as she does it, looking at me like I'm something special. She leans down and kisses the top of my head…

…and I start to cry. Just out of nowhere. It hit me so fast I barely even had time to register it.

"Sophie?" she asks, worried as she tilts her head to look at my face. I put my hand over my face and try to stop myself, feeling embarrassed because I have no idea where that even came from, but for some reason the tears just keep coming.

"I'm sorry," I finally get out through my tears, apologizing for just crying like that. What is wrong with me?

"What's wrong?" she asks me and wraps her arms around me, holding me closer to her, almost as if she's afraid I'm going to try to go.

I sniff and take a deep breath, calming myself down. I'm silent for a little while as I focus on stilling myself, and when I finally think I have a handle on my own random emotions I say, "Nothing, I don't know. It just kind of… happened."

"What were you thinking about?" she asks, curiously.

I wipe away the last of my tears and shake my head. "I don't know, I was just watching you through the mirror and I just…" I shrug, uncomfortable. "Sorry, I don't know why I did that."

But I did know why, now that I thought about it. Parker looked at me like I was something special to her, and I couldn't even remember the last time anyone has ever looked at me like that. I could feel how much she cares about me and I just… couldn't handle it. Part of me is still terrified about all this, terrified about her and I being… whatever we are now. Are we together? I didn't even know.

But I really liked how it felt to be with her, and a little part of me was feeling guilty about that. Granted it was much smaller now, the part that tells me I shouldn't be doing this, but it's still there. Like a nagging voice in the back of your head, and due to it getting fainter you find yourself straining to hear it.

Parker didn't seem to know what to say, so she didn't say anything at all. She kissed my neck lightly though and I closed my eyes and put my hand on top of the one she had resting on my stomach. She turned her hand over so she could hold mine, and I arced my neck to the side a bit to let Parker have more room. I let out a little content sigh at her light kisses, and just for once let her make me happy.

I find myself smiling all of a sudden and part of me couldn't even believe it. I was trying to let her, yes, but I didn't expect it to actually happen, and not that quickly. It was barely even a minute after I just tried to let everything go and let her…

I look up at her, making her still her kisses on my neck and look down at me before I lift my head up a bit, connecting our lips. I just… needed to do something right now, or else I'll start thinking, and apparently that's our undoing.

I twist myself around as I continue to kiss her, making it so I'm on top of her and facing her. I push her down gently against the couch, breaking the kiss for a moment. "Sophie, what are you—?" She starts to ask, but I silence her with another kiss. I know it's pretty much coming out of nowhere, but part of me just needs to do this now or I might run screaming. My hand starts to rise up her shirt, lifting it up over her chest. I can feel Parker take a sharp inhale of breath against my lips before mine leave hers and find their way to her stomach.

Her skin jumps beneath my touch and she gasps a little louder, closing her eyes. "Sophie…?" she starts to ask again, and I know she knows what I'm about to do, but I'm sure she still doesn't know why. Yeah she knows I've accepted kissing, accepted just kind of being with her, but I've been the queen of baby steps.

But I didn't want baby steps anymore. I just wanted to make love to her and to fuck with the rest of world. What did they matter outside these walls anyway? "I need to do this," I tell her breathlessly before my lips come up to wrap around one of her nipples, making Parker gasp hard and her hand fly to the arm of the couch above her head, holding on to it.

"Jesus," she breathes out as she arcs her back a bit, reacting to how my tongue teases her gently. After a moment I sit up and peel my own shirt off, up and over my head and on to the ground below. My bra snaps off with ease and then my hands are at Parker's jeans, needing to get them off of her. She helps me and then sits up a bit to help me with my own bottoms, and when we're finally both nude I push her back down against the couch and climb on top of her.

I bite my lower lip as both of our bodies come into contact with each other, our combined body heat being such an amazing feeling. She tries to touch me but I hold her hand, stilling it before I start kissing the base of her neck. I didn't want this to be about me at all, which is surprising because I'm always so damn selfish. But for some reason I just wanted to pleasure her, make her feel good. I just needed to let her know some things that I just can't say out loud.

"Sophie," she gasps out as my hand runs down the smooth skin of her body, making her push every part of her that it came into contact with into it, like she needed to feel more of me. Her other hand grabbed onto my arm tightly as I brushed my fingertips lightly over her clit, making her moan softly and strain her hips towards me. But my hand doesn't linger there; instead my body starts to slide down hers as I kiss the entire way down. From the base of her neck to her shoulder, from her shoulder to her chest, from her chest to her stomach.

Parker takes a deep breath in anticipation and opens her eyes to look down at me at the base of her navel. "Oh my god," she breathes out as she watches me and realizes where I'm going, like she would have never expected it, and like it was the biggest turn on for her.

But in for a penny, in for a pound, right?

I kiss just above her hairline and Parker lets out the breath she's been holding, only to inhale another one that she holds for a long time, just waiting for it. I push her thighs apart gently and then kiss the inside of one of them, almost where her thigh and hip meet. That last breath she was holding comes out in a rush and in a strangled whisper, like she might die if I don't, she pleads, "Oh god Sophie, please…"

I look between her legs before taking a deep breath. I was nervous, this was so much different from just fingering her or something, this was something I have never done to myself, and I was kind of scared I'd fuck it up, or that I might not even like it. But Parker's chest is rising and falling quite rapidly, she's entirely soaked, and she's looking at me, begging me with her eyes. So I suck it up and close my eyes as I lean forward a bit, and then wrap my lips around her clit.

Both of us moan from the feeling, and Parker gasps out, "Fuck! Yes…" as she spreads her legs for me wider. I couldn't believe how she tasted, if I was to be honest. Guys never tasted that good, especially when they finish, but Parker… Parker tasted… damn amazing, really. Part of me expected it to taste like fish, that's what everyone says, but to me it tasted almost like candy. So I kind of go at it like a kid in a candy store; wanting as much as I can get.

Parker's breathing is shallow, she's gasping hard and pushing her hips into my face as she grabs the couch like her life depends on it. Her eyes are shut tight, her back arced a bit, as she just keeps repeating, "Oh my god. Oh my god, Sophie…" over and over. I don't do anything guys do to me this time, because I really didn't want to base it on that because most of the time it's either hit or miss. Instead I choose to just go with my instincts, and before I know what's happening, Parker's almost lifted herself off the couch and she's gasping for air between moans, her knuckles turning white from her grip on the couch, and all she can do is say my name again and again.

When she comes it's like an avalanche, all screams of ecstasy as she collapses back onto the couch and just lays there, but still moves her hips just slightly like she's prolonging it from the inside. I just stare at her, thinking she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe I even made her feel that way, that was so much better than manipulating her into fucking me against a wall. A million times better.

Before I know it, Parker's recovered and is suddenly on top of me, her turn to push me down on the couch. I gasp from the suddenness of it but she's breathless as she runs her hands down my body before kissing me with ever ounce of passion she has inside of her. I gasp against her lips as her nails scratch lightly down my stomach. Then her lips are on my neck, on my shoulder, on my throat, like she can't make up her mind on where she wants them as she pushes my legs apart, cupping me roughly and pressing down on my clit, making me cry out, "Parker!"

She's gasping against my neck as she rubs me harder and I try with every bit of strength I have in me not to close my eyes so I can look at her. My face is etched in pleasure and I push my hips towards her hand, moaning hard. "Tell me you need me again," she asks in a breathless whisper and I grab her hand and hold both of ours above my head, lacing our fingers together as my chest is heaving from the intensity of it.

"I need you Parker," I gasp out, then bite my lower lip hard as she rubs against me with incredibly speed. "Oh shit!" I gasp out, never having had anyone go at me like that before. My orgasm is already starting to build and I cry out, "Oh my god! I can't…!" I gasp out, trying to tell her I can't handle the intensity of the feeling. But she doesn't stop, if anything she goes faster and I can feel my walls start to contract rapidly as my head starts spinning and I think I might pass out. Then I do something I've never done in my entire forty two years: I thrash hard before becoming completely dead still… and squirted so hard I almost thought I had wet myself in a different way if not for the best feeling in then entire world that went along with it.

"I… you… god… what…?" I gasp out after I come down, not understand what in the hell just happened. I didn't even know I could do that.

She giggles a little, out of breath as she lies down on top of me, her head on my breast, just needing to relax. My head is still spinning though, and I just start saying things without even thinking about them. "You're… amazing, Parker. Oh my god. I…" I take a breath and close my eyes and wrap my arms around her. There's a silence for a minute before I promise, "I'm going to tell people tomorrow."

"That you squirted?" she asks, surprised as she looks up at me.

"No!" I exclaim, then realize exactly what I had just promised. Fear suddenly grips me again, but I push it down with everything I have in me because I can't keep doing this to her. "I'm going to… tell people about us tomorrow, okay?" I bite my lip and look at her, and she looks surprised.

"Really?" she asks softly, like she couldn't believe it but she wanted it to be true.

I have to now. "Yeah," I say and widen my own eyes at the realization. "I guess I am. I will… I promise."

Parker smiles at me and kisses me softly on the lips before whispering against them, "Thank you…"

This is one of those things you never expect to happen in your life, but then they sneak up on you and bite you in the ass. And while at first it's slightly unpleasant, finally you realize that bite in the ass that hurt you so much before was really just a blessing in disguise. Laying here with Parker, completely naked and satisfied in every way, I couldn't even remember why I was so afraid in the first place.

This was the one thing in my life that did feel right.