Rating K+:A little bit of swearing
Disclaimer: Still don't own anything
The flimsy shades of the windows on the house at Singer Salvage Yard were not enough to block out the image inside. The image of a young man, sitting on a bed crying and looking to lost to ever find his way home again.
A Few Years Previously:
Sam sat in his room, waiting for Dean to come back from his little outing. He knew that despite what Dean said, that he was out getting a present for Sam's eighteenth birthday, which was the next day. Knowing Dean it was probably some skin mags, and a case of beer. At this thought Sam let out a slight chuckle. He was careful to be quiet though, knowing that his dad was not in a good mood. This hunt seemed to be stumping him, so he had turned to the bottle thinking it had all the answers. Sam knew better than to bother him with anything. As he was thinking this he heard his dad, and he didn't sound happy.
"SAMUEL, get out here right now!"
Sam took a deep breath and quickly walked down the hall to the living room where he knew his dad would be staring at the coffee table with the hunt information on it with a bottle in his hand.
"Ya Dad?" Sam hesitantly asked trying not to anger his father anymore than he already seemed to be.
"Where the hell is that newspaper article that I got at the library this afternoon. I know I left it here, and now it's gone. You were in here last working on your homework, so where did you put it?"
"I didn't move anything Dad, I swear. Maybe its just under a pile of other papers" Sam offered, trying to get his dad to lay off him. At seeing his dads face, he knew he had said the wrong thing.
"Don't you lie to me Samuel! I mean why can't you just admit you moved it. Dean would. Actually, why can't you just be more like him in the first place?"
Sam stood there and again he listened to how he was second best to his brother. He knew it wasn't Deans fault, but it hurt nonetheless. He tried, but his dad never did seem to understand that Sam was his own man. He had never accepted the fact that Sam didn't trust him as much as he trusted Dean. At hearing his dad continuing his tirade, he just couldn't take it anymore; he finally told his Dad what he thought.
"You know what Dad? I'm not Dean. And I never will be. I'm glad. I like who I am, and I'm sorry that you can't accept that. But you wont have to deal with it much longer, because I'm leaving. Tomorrow I will be eighteen and it will be earlier than planned, but seeing as how I'm not good enough, I couldn't leave sooner! You will finally get rid of me, and instead can give all your love to your little soldier without feeling guilty anymore. But just to let you know, I never stopped trying to make you proud of me. I thought that just maybe one day I would finally get your respect, and this was the only way to do it. I joined the army and I'm leaving for Fort Riley in Kansas. It's four months earlier than I planned, but obviously you just can't wait to get rid of me" Sam finished with tears running down his face.
"How did you even enlist? I never signed anything," John asked glaring at his son.
"I forged it dad. I mean weren't you the one who taught us how to lie?" Sam yelled this last part in frustration at the lack of reaction from his dad.
He never wanted to tell his dad this way. He knew how much this would hurt Dean, but also knew that he would understand, and support him. He kept standing there looking at his Dad waiting for him to say something, but as the silence continued, Sam composed his face, and turned around to go back to his room to pack.
After Sam finished packing he wrote a letter to Dean, explaining everything, and he set it on his bed. He gathered his duffel and went back out to the living room. To his surprise his dad wasn't there. At this Sam realized that no matter what he does it will probably never earn him his fathers respect. He took one more look at the room, then left the house and went towards the bus depot. He was joining the army, and he knew that there was a chance that he might never come home.
He took a deep breath looked around at the people at the depot one last time and got on the bus to take him to his new life. As they left the town limits he sighed,
"I'm sorry Dean. I love you."
Not fifteen minutes after Sam left, did John return home. When he arrived the first thing e did was go to the boys room looking for Sam. He hadn't believed his son would leave, but in his anger he had failed to see the honesty in Sam's eyes. After he checked everywhere, he went back to the room only this time noticed a note on Dean's bed. He went over and read it noticing Sam's handwriting. He quickly read the note and this only brought back his previous anger. He knew Dean was going to be returning anytime now, and did what he thought was best. He folded up Sam's note and put it in his wallet. He grabbed another piece of paper and wrote out a new letter in Sam's handwriting. He wasn't going to lose two sons tonight, that he was sure of.
Just as he figured, about twenty minutes after John got home Dean also arrived. He came in to a sullen father, and an otherwise quiet house. He knew right away that something was wrong. He slowly put down the bag holding the present for Sam, and went over to his father,
"Dad? What's wrong? " Dean looked around, "Where's Sam?" At the silence he again asked, "Where's Sam?!"
"He's gone." John spoke this so quietly that Dean almost missed it.
"What do you mean gone? Why didn't you call me?"
"Well we got into an argument, and I left because I needed some air. I was gone about fifteen minutes, but when I got back he was gone, all of his stuff gone too."
"I am gonna kill him when I get him back" Dean growled as he took out his phone and started dialing. To his surprise his dad stopped him.
"Hey, why'd you do that?" Dean asked in frustration.
"Well, before you do anything, I think you should read this. He left it."
Dean looked at what his father was holding out to him, and saw a letter. He grabbed it and glanced at it, noticing Sam's handwriting. As he read he seemed to deflate of all fight, and was instead filled with sorrow.
I'm leaving because I just can't take this fighting between dad and me anymore. I'm tired of coming in second place to you all the time. I'm tired of it all, and I'm eighteen now so I figured this was the perfect time to leave. I have nothing to stay for anyway. Have a good life.
This last part kept repeating itself in Dean's head; I have nothing to stay for anyway, nothing to stay for, nothing. Dean slowly felt his sorrow change into anger. He was still holding his phone in his hand, and before he knew what he was doing he watched his phone shatter as it hit the opposite wall. He stood there for a few more seconds before it hit him. His Sammy was gone; as he thought about Sam's letter he fell to his knees sobbing. He barely felt his father trying to comfort him, as he was drowning in his own sorrow. The rest of Dean's night was a blur, and the next thing he knew it was morning. He found himself in his room facing the now empty bed next to him. All of the events of the previous night came flooding back to him, and along with it came the same feelings of sorrow and anger. He got out of bed and got dressed before making his way to the kitchen. He found his father with a cup of coffee, just sitting there. He turned when he heard Dean come in and get himself a cup of coffee. He sat down across from his father, and noticed how haggard he looked. He seemed to have aged over night.
"Dean, I called Bobby and he is going to come down and finish this hunt for us. I think it would be better, and I found us another hunt in Wyoming. On our way we'll get you another phone to." At seeing the look on Dean's face he continued.
"Dean I know it's hard, but this was Sam's decision. I don't think there was anything we could have done to make him stay. We have to keep going, and saving people, continuing life no matter how hard."
At seeing his sons nod he told him that they would be leaving in the next hour before he left to start packing. Dean also got up and started to go back to his room to pack, when he saw the bag he set down last night by the door. He went over, picked it up, and brought it back to the room. He sat on his bed and took out the wrapped box. He stared at it for a long moment before he opened it. He took out the present and just looked at it. He put it down and went about packing his things back into his duffel. As he finished up he went back over to his bed and looked at the present.
Choking back tears he picked it up and said, "Happy birthday Sammy. I love you." After saying this he slowly put the new shining hunting knife back into the box. Tracing over the engraving his tears finally broke through.
He carefully put the top of the box back on and slipped it into his duffel. He zipped it up and went to the door of his room. He took one last look at the room, then left, joining his father out to their cars. Not two minutes later both cars took off, neither drivers looking back.
One Hour Before:
"So Bobby, I think that I'll leave tomorrow. I hear of a hunt out in Colorado."
"Well, if your sure boy. But you know you're welcome here as long as you like."
"I know and thanks for letting me crash here for a while."
"You know you can stay anytime ya idjit. I rather you come here and heal up instead of some crap motel room on your own. Now hurry up and get in here so we can eat."
Just as Dean got up there was a knock at the door, he yelled he would get it and walked over. He opened the door and was more than surprised to see two army men standing there with a sad look about them. Then one of them spoke up.
"Is this the home of a Samuel Winchester?"
This caught Dean by surprise, but he quickly composed himself and nodded his head.
"Ya, I'm his brother Dean. Can I ask why you're here?"
"I'm sorry to have to be here and deliver this news. As you were probably aware, you're brothers tour of service was to be over in one week. Well he went out on a mission, and they were attacked. I'm grieved to report that you're brother died, two days ago. I'm sorry. His body will be brought home, for you to say a proper good-bye. Again I'm sorry for your loss."
Dean kept quiet through his whole explanation, and he was numb. What does he mean tour of service? Sam wasn't in the army. Maybe it's just a mistake. As he thought this he was handed a box with some of his brothers personal items, and a folded up flag. He opened the box and sure enough he notice the stuff as Sam's. By this time Bobby had come over, he heard the whole thing, and was there when Dean went down. He caught him, and sat there as he cried. He noticed as the two men quietly made his way down the steps and got back into their car and drove off. Bobby eventually got a sobbing Dean into the house and into the living room on the couch. After a while Dean started to quiet down.
"Bobby, h-how could Sam have been in the army? H-how can he be gone? I haven't spoken to him in almost two years, and n-now he's g-gone." Dean continued to quietly sob in Bobby's arms.
"I don't know boy. I just don't know. I'm so sorry. I can't believe he was stupid enough to join the army, damn idjit. Dean you now you're gonna have to call your Daddy and tell him."
"I don't think I can Bobby, can you call him?"
"Sure boy. Need anything else?"
"No, I just need to be alone for a while." At this Dean got up off the couch and went to the guest bedroom where he was staying. He sat on the bed and held both the flag and the box in his lap just staring at them. As he sat there he couldn't seem to gather up the courage to open it and look inside. A moment later Bobby entered.
"I just called your Daddy and luckily he picked up. I told him what happened, and he was close. He said he should be here by mid-morning tomorrow."
"Thanks Bobby" Dean quietly replied not looking up from the precious objects in his lap. Taking this as a hint, Bobby left the room and closed the door leaving Dean. As Dean sat there on the bed he couldn't hold back any longer.
The flimsy shades of the windows on the house at Singer Salvage Yard were not enough to block out the image inside. The image of a young man, sitting on a bed crying and looking to lost to ever find his way home again.
He released the terrible cries he had been holding in. In the other room Bobby heard these cries and he to started to cry. Quietly at first but slowly he too let out anguished cries.
Dean lay there on his bed, out of tears to cry. He was sitting there thinking back to the last time he had talked to Sam. The last time he saw Sam.
"Hey there Sammy."
"It's Sam, Dean. Sam. I'm turning eighteen not five."
"Whatever Sammy. So you finally gonna become a man huh? Taken long enough."
"Oh, Shut Up. I'm just glad it's finally here. I can make my own decisions."
"What kind of decisions Sammy? Like college or going out on you own or something?"
"No I would never leave, I love you to much. I just mean that I can officially make my own decisions now. Like signing myself out AMA."
Dean chuckled at this, thinking how much he would miss Sam if he ever did leave.
"Well good, because I can't imagine life without someone to pick on, and to complain about my music."
"Bitch. I'll be back later dude, gotta go out and get a couple things. See ya later."
"Ya later Dean."
Dean now knew that that later would never come. He would never again be able to make fun of Sammy. He no longer had a little brother. Dean again started crying tears he didn't know he had, and soon he fell into a light, restless sleep.
The next time Dean woke up it was already mid-morning. He got up and ready like he would on any other day. He made his way out to the kitchen, and could feel the loss and grief in the air. He found Bobby already in the kitchen just sitting there looking lost in thought. Dean got a cup of coffee and sat down beside him. Bobby looked over, and both noticed how the other had instantly aged over night.
"You dad called, and said he would be here in about an hour."
Dean just nodded his head, because he didn't trust himself to talk, knowing he would probably start crying all over again. After finishing his coffee he made his way back to his room and sat back down on the bed. He looked at the box with Sam's stuff, and knew he had to open it. He slowly got up and picked it up off the desk and returned to the bed, with it safely in his lap. He took a deep breath and opened the box.
Inside were a bunch of trinkets. Dean slowly started to pick them out. The first thing he found was Sam's bracelets. He grabbed them and held them letting a few tears fall. He found Sam's favorite book and a few more things he must have gotten while in the army. Next Dean picked up a stack of pictures. On top was one of Sam in full uniform. Dean studied the picture, but was still surprised that this was his Sammy. He looked like a totally different person without his long hair. He kept on looking at each picture. They were mostly of his new friends and fellow officers. He looked happy Dean decided. The last few were what surprised Dean the most. They were some of Sam and him at his Graduation, and others from when they were growing up. Dean never knew he kept these pictures. He slowly went through them, carefully examining each picture. After he was finished he had reached the bottom of the box. There sat a letter with his name on the envelope. He immediately recognized Sam's handwriting.
He carefully picked it up and stared at it. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to open it or not. After a moment he slowly started to open it. He hoped that inside would be an explanation. He read the letter, and that was when he let loose all of his tears.
Hi big brother. I'm guessing that if you're reading this letter then I probably didn't make it home. I know that in the letter I left that I didn't explain myself, so I figured I would write you this instead. I know that there is a good chance that I will die over here, and I've accepted this. I know it is hard on you, but you're strong and you'll pull through. I never wanted to leave you, especially the way I did. I wanted to tell you and spend a while longer with you before I left. In fact I planned on it. After that fight with dad though I just couldn't handle it. It definitely wasn't the way I wanted to leave. I waited for an hour at the bus depot for you to come but when you didn't I knew that it was bad but I still hoped that after reading the letter you would pick up my calls. I know that you were mad and you had a right to be. I'm not mad that you never answered or came to see me go but I'm disappointed that we never got to talk again. I hope this helps to make up for it. I don't regret the choice I made to enlist in the army, only the fact that we never got to say goodbye. So this is my goodbye. I'm sorry that we will miss out a lot in life. I'm sorry I wont be there to see you get married one day, and even have kids. I'm sorry that I took away the chance to make memories as we grow up, and I'm sorry that I can't be there for you. All in all I'm sorry that this is how things had to turn out. It's different from what I wanted, but it happened for a reason. At least I think so. Don't push away Bobby, or dad. Let them help, because I know that they're probably hurting to. You were the best big brother a little brother could ever have. You were always there to protect me and I'm so grateful. I want you to keep living, and have a good life Dean. Live for me, and remember me. I'll always be there. Tell both Dad and Bobby I love them. Also make sure to tell dad that I'm sorry for all those fights, and that I never stopped loving him. Even after I left. I love you Dean, Bye.
By this time Dean was back to letting his tears fall freely not even trying to hold them back anymore. As he sat there though he realized that according to what Sammy wrote, there was another letter. He looked back through the contents of the box, but found none. He thought back to the night he left, and the letter he left then, and realized that Sam would never had written that. Right before it all happened Sam said he wouldn't leave. He wouldn't go back and say that he had nothing to stay for, it wasn't like him. Dean tried to remember that night, and one thing stuck out to him. His father had been home between Sam leaving, and Dean coming back. He "found" the letter. Just as he remembered this he heard the sound of his fathers truck pulling up.
He went out to the living room to find him inside already talking with Bobby. They both looked over when he came in. John rushed over and immediately grabbed him in a hug.
"I'm so sorry Dean." John quietly sobbed.
To John's surprise Dean broke the hug, and stepped away from John. John looked at him and saw pure anger and sadness in his eyes.
"What other letter did Sam leave the night he left? What happened to the other letter?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Dean, I showed you the letter" John quickly stammered.
"I know you're lying. He left another one for me and said that the night he left that he left a letter asking me to meet him and that he'll call. You found that letter, and you took it. The one you showed me wasn't real. Now show me the real one!" Dean yelled, trying to hold back the all-encompassing grief.
To his surprise, his dad just reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He reached in and took out an envelope with Deans name on it and handed it over.
"I'm sorry. I thought that if you read this that I would lose both sons, and I couldn't handle that. I thought it was for the best."
"How can that be for the best? I have been mad at him for the past two years, never knowing the truth! How can that be okay? I lost my brother, and I never got to say goodbye. You can be sure now Dad that you have lost both of your sons."
Dean held the letter and went back to his room. When safely inside he opened it and read it,
I'm sorry that I have to leave like this, but I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to leave without saying goodbye. I am going to Fort Riley, to start training. I joined the army. I thought it would make Dad proud, but obviously that is just not meant to happen. My bus doesn't leave for another hour, so please after you read this come to the bus depot. I'll be waiting to say goodbye. If you can't I understand, but I will also call as much as I can to let you know I'm okay. Love you Dean.
Dean realized that he missed out on the one chance he had to say goodbye to his brother. He knew that he would never have a chance to tell him happy birthday again, or to ever tell him he was sorry he didn't go to the station. He would never get a chance to tell him he loved him.
The next few days went by quickly, though Dean vaguely remembered anything. He wouldn't talk to his dad and spent most of his time wandering out in the junkyard, just to think. Sam's body arrived with the rest of his belongings. Dean knew Bobby was taking care of the funeral arrangements. Sam was gonna be buried next to their mom in Kansas.
Three days after their dad came they got on a plane out to Kansas. The day after they arrived was the funeral. It was a clear still blue day, but Dean felt as though it was the exact opposite of his mood, more of how Sam would have wanted it to be. Happy, and cheerful. The people that came were mostly hunter friends like Pastor Jim, Caleb, Josh, and a few others. Also there were a few soldiers that Dean recognized from the pictures Sam had left for him. The service was nice, but Dean was ready for it to be over so he could have some alone time with Sam. After everyone gave their condolences and left he found it safe to talk to Sam. He sat there on the ground and told him what he should have two years ago.
"Hey Sam. So I know you're probably up there partying it up with mom, but I had to just say something. I'm sorry Sammy that I never came to the bus stop that day, and I'm sorry that I never got your calls." By this time Dean was sobbing out the rest of his speech.
"I should have tried to find you to talk to you, but I was stupid and I didn't. I will forever regret it. I hope your happy now, and I hope you know how much I miss you. You were the best little brother I could have asked for, and I'm sorry that I won't get to see you grow up to be the amazing man I knew you would have become. I would trade places with you if I could, because you deserve to live a life more than I ever could. I will live my life, just like you asked me to, and I will never forget all the times we had together. You were what helped me turn out the way I did, and I'm glad we always relied on each other. I never got to give you your birthday present that day, so I brought it with me."
Dean brought out of his jacket the hunting knife. He looked at it, and then back to the headstone. He continued to talk as he held it in his hands.
"I was gonna leave it here, but I don't think I can. It's one of my last pieces of you, and I don't think I can let it go. I hope you don't mind, but I don't think you'll find much use for it anyway."
Dean got up and took a step away. He knew that this was his goodbye. It was time for him to let Sam go.
"Well Sam, I guess it's time for me to go. But before I do I just want to say that my biggest regret was that I never told you how much I loved you. I don't think you ever knew exactly how much, but I never took the time out to tell you. You were my life Sam, I loved you more than anything else in the world, and I still do. I will never forget you little brother, and I hope you are happy wherever you are now."
As Dean finished and was turning away there was a slight breeze, and he knew that Sam had heard him. Wherever he was, Dean knew that he had gotten through. At this Dean finally came to terms with everything, and knew that everything would be okay.
Dean stopped hunting, and got married to a wonderful woman named Adalia. They had kids one boy and one girl. A daughter named Mary, and a son named Sam. Dean lived his life to the fullest just like Sam asked, and he kept Sam's memory alive till the day he died.
AN: So I'm not sure on all of the technical stuf with the army, and I don't mean to offend anyone. My family memebers in the army have all come back, so i haven't had to experiance this. I hope you liked my story. Review please, it will make my day!