THE HUNT FOR LOCKE'S LIBIDO
By Delia Lavender
I do NOT own L.O.S.T, the character John Locke, or
any other character from the T.V. series. I only wrote the
following satire in response to a challenge...and for my own amusment.
Destiny Fortune remembered the day she and her former school-mate,
Delia Lavender, had designed the flyer intoducing the SLL Club to
the world. She remembered Delia's gentle face, her soft eyes beaming
above granny glasses...her whole persona suggesting some eccentric
"Mrs. Santa" dressed up in purple camouflage.
Are YOU concerned about the preservation of wild species?
Do YOU care about the future of our planet?
If so, consider joining us at the SLL Club:
SAVE LOCKE'S LIBIDO!
The John Locke's Libido is the last of his kind!
Once he is gone, a species will have disappeared...FOREVER!
Let us tell you about the plight of the John Locke's Libido: He
currently only exists on a remote South Pacific Island. Abandoned
by his heartless owner, HELEN, the Locke's Libido has been
foraging for food, struggling for survival, with his
day-to-day existence in peril!
Led by our founder, DELIA LAVENDER, our fearless members
have been beating the bushes, leaving trails of kibble and
French post cards, hoping to recapture this noble creature and
bring him the nourishment and medical care he so desperately needs!
DO YOU WANT TO HELP US IN OUR STRUGGLE?
If so, please give us the following information and join us in our
fight to SAVE LOCKE'S LIBIDO!
Together we can make a difference!
Address: _________________________________ Phone: ______________
Are you available for travel? ______ Can you bring steel traps? ______
Have you any experience with tranquillizer darts/guns? _________
Can you make a donation? ___________ How much? _________
SPECIAL OFFER: If you make a donation, we will go away!NOW will you donate?
Thanks so much for taking the time. Somewhere on the Island,
a lonely Locke's Libido is waiting for you!
"Delia...do you really think this will work?" Destiny had asked, as they put
away their colored pens.
"Of course it will," Delia had replied "Who could ignore an appeal
like this? Why, it rends the heart! A big, strapping Locke's Libido - all
alone on the Island. He's the last of his kind...we can't just let him die.
Not without trying to help!" She leaned closer to Destiny "I've never told
you this before...but, when I was young and living on the Island, the
Locke's Libido came to me while I slept on a hammock. He put his poor,
horny head down on my bosom..."
Destiny could easily believe this. Even as she had aged, Delia's bosom
could have doubled as a life preserver.
"But then," Delia had continued "One of the youngest campers came by
and screamed. I reacted by swatting the Libido on the nose, as if he were
a mangy cur, and he ran away whimpering. I'll never forget that pathetic
whimper. I've never forgiven myself. I must do what I can to help him."
And of course, Destiny also did what she could. Destiny loved the great,
wild beast as much as Delia did. And the few photographs they'd
snapped of the giant Locke's Libido, striding manfully through the jungle,
inspired the feverish efforts of a small female army to find and save him.
They scoured whole neighborhoods for donations. They discovered that
persistance and obnoxiousness were useful traits that worked as often
as appeals to one's better nature. The women's targets were ashamed
to say no to them, and usually a photo of the "Noble Libido" was enough
to open pockets.
Eventually they bought their own yacht, the "FanGirl", and started training
crews of zealous women for exploratory expeditions to the Island.
"Forward, Girls!" became Delia's rallying cry.
* * * * * *
The preparations for these expeditions took much time and effort.
Destiny coached the girls in a lovely rendition of that great old song
"My Heart Belongs To Daddy"...and it became their theme. Delia designed
purple camouflage for all, she collected the kibble, selected the post
cards, and supervised the mass baking of hundreds of lavender-scented
sugar cookies. The baking often took days, with Delia and Destiny mixing
the batter, Brenda and Maggie rolling out the dough, and the younger
girls working the heart-shaped cookie cutters, or sprinkling the cookies
with lilac dyed sugar.
It was important, Destiny knew, that the Locke's Libido recognize them,
that he knew who it was who brought him sugar.
With that in mind, the best built-girls went ahead on expedition, wearing
the signature lavender tummy shirts. They were the scouts....and the
Six other girls, carrying nets or tranquillizer dart guns, followed at a
Destiny, Delia and several of the youngest girls accompanied the second
group, carrying the cookie offerings. Once, to the group's intense delight,
they witnessed the Libido reach down from a tree, to snatch a cookie
from Delia's very hand.
But he was too fast for the dart blowers to target.
"Don't worry girls," Destiny told them "It's good that he trusts us...and
it's best we catch him in the open. Wait until he tries to snatch Maggie
Bustier or Fanny Fuller...right now, he just wants Delia's cookies."
"But..." said timid Bitsy, the youngest of the girls "That arm is so
brawny! Are you sure we're not chasing a gorilla?"
"Have you ever heard of a hairless gorilla?" retorted Destiny "Why,
sometimes we've heard him speak! We know that he can say "Helen"
and "Mama"...we've heard him in the jungle, crying to himself."
All the girls were sympathetic. Bitsy burst into tears.
"I want to help him," she sobbed "But what if he snatches me? What
should I do?"
"Don't worry, Bitsy," replied Delia, who had rejoined them "He always
throws back the little ones."
And Destiny knew, from painful experience, that Delia was right.
* * * * * *
As was her habit whenever stressed, Destiny chewed the end of one
of her skimpy braids. She was watching the younger ones set up camp...
"...Oh, my heart belongs to Daddy...!" they sang, their voices spritely
and young. Giles Sprat, the only male in their group, danced cheerfully
around the fire, with Honey Rotunda as his partner.
And Destiny knew that her heart belonged to "daddy". She wondered
where he was lurking...if he was watching them.
When he would pounce on one of them.
She had nearly died of shame when it had been her...because everyone
knew it was only an accident. At that time, during one of their earliest
expeditions, they hadn't yet known he could swing from vines.
He'd been going after Patty Bountiful, who'd been standing about six feet
from her. Patty, nervous and on her first expedition, had instinctively
ducked, so that the Libido, sweeping by, had grabbed Destiny instead.
She'd heard her comrades screaming and Delia's voice raised above theirs
"Hurry, girls...follow them!"
He'd carried her to the top of a mighty banyon tree, before pausing to
And she had looked directed into the stern, compelling eyes of the wild
And he had looked disappointed.
He'd shaken his head slowly, chagrin plain upon his face "No...not
Destiny." he'd muttered, scooping her up again and swinging downward
toward the excited girls.
He had swung low, dropping her into the sturdy arms of Sofia, the
soft ball player.
"Why didn't he take her to the boat house?" squeeked a younger girl.
Why not, indeed? Destiny had been devastated enough to resign the
group. Only Delia had convinced her to stay...
"Please...we need you. HE NEEDS YOU! The group is nothing without
you, Destiny. I feel your pain...believe me, I do. Remember the first
expedition, dear? We had Kate Austin with us: we thought we'd
certainly capture him. But what did he do? He took one look at Kate
and fled all the way to the other side of the Island! And poor Kate, she
cried and cried..."
And so Destiny had been persuaded to stay.
But it wasn't easy. Despite the fact that some of his sweetest smiles
were directed toward her. That hers were the French post cards he
He always liked the colorized post cards depicting Mata Hari. He was, at
bottom, an old-fashioned Libido.
She knew that he'd felt guilty about rejecting her. He was, in his own
savage way, a gentleman.
And although she admired him, it broke her heart. He would never carry
Destiny off to the boat house...oh no. She was too homely - she was
too scrawny. Her body was like a bed of nails...her knees and elbows
like knives. Even Delia was lush and luxurious...while Destiny was a
Never, never...would the Locke's Libido accept a cookie from her hand.
And if he did, he would probably take several fingers with it.
Despite the darkness and the danger, Destiny wandered off into the jungle
alone. She thought about the Libido and wept.
* * * * * *
She had failed. They had ALL failed. Destiny thought of Opal the
Ornithologist, who had captured the HurleyBird. Delia, Destiny and the
rest of the SLL had been present when the Hurley was loaded onto
the good ship, "Big Bird". They had seen his leaf-like feathers, had heard
his last, desperate scream "HURLEY!" before his captors shut him away
in the hold. The HurleyBird was now in the aviary of the London zoo.
There was a special plaque honoring Opal and her group, and never
again would the HurleyBird know the freedom of his native jungle.
Destiny had wanted something better for the Locke's Libido. They ALL
had. They had wanted to comfort him in his loneliness...
There were screams from the direction of the camp. There was the
sound of breaking foliage as people ran. Giles and Bitsy broke through
the bushes, rushing toward her.
"He's got Brenda Buxom!" shrieked Giles.
"Oh, shit." murmured Destiny.
Now they would have to tramp all the way to the boat house in the dark.
* * * * * *
Everyone was excited, torches were lit. The march toward the boat
house began with Delia and the weapon carriers in the lead.
Bitsy was sobbing "Brenda is afraid of heights! Oh, this is terrible!"
"I'd gladly take her place." offered Giles, bravely.
"Don't worry, girls...Brenda will be fine!" called Delia from the front of
the column "We'll reach her before anything happens!"
A few of the girls snickered.
Destiny was worried. Bitsy was right about Brenda...she was afraid
of heights. Brenda, despite her beauty, was one of the most modest
of the girls. She had repeatedly refused the honor of the lavender
tummy shirt. She had never tried to feed the Libido herself. She
believed in the preservation of species...and she hadn't the least
curiosity about what happened in the boat house.
Poor Brenda, thought Destiny. She was never meant to fly dizzily among
the trees, in the grip of an enflamed Libido. Oh, what she must be
suffering! Too bad he hadn't grabbed Tiffany Bimbo.
Of course, they'd never get Tiffany out of the boat house...!
But the march was halted only a few minutes later.
"Halt, girls!" Delia shouted "I hear Brenda up the tree!"
It was true. Destiny heard her crying as she joined Delia. Brenda was
perched halfway up a tree, looking for a way down. She was alone.
"He left me!" wept Brenda "I don't think he liked my screaming...he just
took my cookies and left me!"
Oh, he IS a gentleman! thought Destiny. Her heart swelled with love
"Don't worry, Brenda, we'll get you down!" shouted Delia "Giles...climb
up after her! You too, Sofia...pretend she's a ball!"
The rescue of Brenda proceeded smoothly. So no one was looking when
Locke's Libido finally seized his Destiny.
* * * * * *