Shut Up, Witch!

Left 4 Dead Crackfic

"I hate witches," Francis growled. "That's the third goddamn Witch we've passed now."

"So?" Louis retorted. "In case you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. Let's just consider ourselves lucky those witches aren't chasing us."

"I'm with Louis on that," Zoey said. "All we really have to do is sneak past them. We don't even have to kill them half the time."

"So?" Francis said. "I'm happy to fight them, but all you wussies won't even go near them! Every time we hear that goddamn crying, all of you are all shitting your pants and going oh no! A Witch! Be careful everyone! Let's just sneak past her..." he began mimicking Zoey's voice which earned him a hard kick to the shin from the college girl.

"That's enough, all of you," Bill instructed after reloading his weapon. "Francis, those Witches are as dangerous as hell, as bad as a Tank. If one of them comes after you, you'd better start praying."

Francis just rolled his eyes. Because he's a jackass.

Much later, after yet another horde, the four survivors arrived at the entrance to Mercy Hospital. And as luck would have it...

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Uhgh ugh...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

"Witch!" Louis called.

"As if it wasn't obvious..." Zoey muttered, shutting her flashlight off.

Francis didn't hear either of them. The whining and crying of the Witch was driving Francis crazy. It reminded him way too much of his ex girlfriend.

"Franciiiiiiiiiiiis!! Franciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!! Why don't you ever pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!"

Without even realizing it, Francis suddenly bellowed, "SHUT UP, WITCH!!"

It got deathly quiet. Bill, Louis and Zoey all stared at Francis in shock. The Witch had stopped crying and was glaring straight at Francis with firey red eyes.

"Uh-huh!!" She gasp and growled, slowly getting up.

"Francis, I fucking hate you," Louis whispered.

! Francis has startled the Witch!

Gunshots rang out and bullets flew at the screaming Witch, who was aimed straight for Francis. Unsurprisingly, the only one who was shooting the Witch WAS Francis. Bill, Zoey and Louis slowly inched away out of sight, getting a good chuckle out of the punishment Francis was getting.

The Witch suddenly stopped just in front of Francis and stared at him with hatred. Despite the gunshot wounds, she extended her claws and pointed at him.

"This is why I broke up with you in the first place, you arrogant prick!"

"Wait, what?" Bill blinked and Louis was stunned. Zoey, however, found the comment hilarious and was laughing hard.

"Oh man, NOT YOU!!" Francis began firing some more, but due to his earlier statement of being happy to fight and shoot every zombie in sight, he ran out of ammo fast.

The Witch laughed a high pitched cackle. "Never thought I'd see you again like this, Francis!" she hissed. "Oh, and by the way I wouldn't look behind me if I were you."

"Wh-" Francis glanced behind him and found himself staring into the eyes of a very angry Tank.


"You have got to be kidding me..." Francis sweatdropped. "A little help here guys?!"

"I think you should work this problem out yourself..." Bill couldn't help but smirk. He ushered Louis and Zoey into the Safe House and watched through the bars as the Tank and Witch couple beat the crap out of Francis in every way possible.

"Was it really necessary to let him die like that?" Zoey asked.

"Don't worry, we'll get him out of the next closet."



Yeah, don't ask. Plot bunny bit me.

On a side note, I don't hate Francis. But he's the group's main jackass and so easy to pick on. YOU HEARD ME FRANCIS, I DON'T HATE YOU. (shakes fist)

Reviews are loved.

-Moonlit Assassin