A/N: So whoa this is the longest dialogue I've had to date. Probably because its more comprehensive and not as humorous as usual. I still hope its entertaining. I got inspired by reading a recent Chair one-shot so the idea is not totally mine.
Summary: "There's no need for sarcasm. I was 16 years young. I didn't know there were so many other options. And I was enraptured in a fast developing love with a girl full of unforgiving beauty."
Disclaimer: Inspired so even the idea isn't mine. Completely.
"Get rid of whatever whores you've got hidden away in the bathroom. We've got to talk, Bass."
"I appreciate the flattery but I'm alone."
"You mean we're alone."
"Are you hitting on me?"
"Don't sound so self assured. I just don't want to take the chance of your half priced harlots overhearing us."
"Let me be the first to remind you none of what I have is cheap. You should know that more than anyone."
"Which is probably why you're here."
"Your arrogance has nothing to do with it."
"So you're just using me."
"What makes you say that?"
"You're here for a reason. And I'm guessing it's not for a date."
"And for that, I am thankful."
"I'll ignore that remark, citing temporary insanity on your part."
"Don't sound so dubious, lover. You and I both know this is just an obstacle."
"Oh, I know. Could it possibly that French girl that calls herself your girlfriend?"
"Are you really thankful now?"
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"How about what you're really doing here."
"You know how much I detest asking for help. Especially from you."
"Vulnerability is something neither of us wish to have."
"That being said-"
"You need my help."
"No need to be so smug."
"How can I not? The day I decide that Eva has filled her purpose you waltz in here like no time has passed. How can I not think that Fate is at work here."
"Don't dismiss it so quickly. There was a time when destiny was an avid part of your vocabulary."
"And then you went and got a glamorous French girl to replace me."
"Don't sound so jealous. You know I was only ever thinking of you."
"That I find hard to believe."
"You're here now, aren't you?"
"Because I need something from you. So yes, I suppose I am using you."
"You would think that would deter me. But now I'm just curious as to what exactly it is that you need from me."
"I don't need from you. All I am insinutating is that it would be convenient if you were to offer your services."
"Would these so called services include having a throw back to a burlesque stage and the back of my limo?"
"Don't hold your breath. There is no way I would be servicing you in the back of your lecherous limo."
"Not exactly what I had in mind, but I'm open to suggestions."
"How about this, then? I take whatever scraps of clothing your skanks don and strangle you with it."
"I understand that you need to think that I am constantly sleeping with sluts for an excuse to keep me at arm's length. But you don't need to threaten. I am happy to aid you."
"Really? Why do I find that so hard to believe?"
"Because you know I'll ask for something in return. But that's just how this game works, isn't it? So tell me what it is that you need from me."
"I told you-"
"You don't need me. Whatever you need to tell yourself. Now tell me what it is that is so urgent you barge in here at all hours of the night."
"Don't act as though you're not completely enjoying it."
"And you're back to flirting with me."
"You wish. It's just the only way I know to capture your attention."
"No matter what you do, you can never bore me."
"Fascinating. Now are you going to help me or not?"
"I would love nothing more than to entertain you. Now what exactly is it that you... require."
"Don't look at me like that, Bass. I know you don't think of me so depreciatingly that I would actually want him like that."
"Did you or did you not just say you wanted Carter Baizen?"
"I want him in the ground. And I know that you are the only person that I can turn to."
"And why is that?"
"I thought I told you to stop being smug."
"This is so much better than I had anticipated."
"What does that supposed to mean?"
"You come in here tonight. All I expected were some backhanded comments and lewd innuendos. And you've given me something so much better."
"To be fair, there are always lewd innuendo."
"And then you come in here and remind me why I love you so much. You have to remember."
"I don't have to remember anything."
"Come on, Waldorf. Look at me. You remember that late night before the wedding. Plotting Georgina away. How you let me into your bed again."
"You violated my bed. You were supposed to stay on the floor."
"Don't pretend you didn't make room for me when you felt me next to you."
"I was asleep."
"Is that why hitched your leg around me?"
"Stop it, Chuck. This isn't what I came here for."
"I understand that. I can wait. I've been waiting since I was 16."
"Are you going to do it or not?"
"Do what, exactly?"
"Don't start unbuckling your pants. This is a business transaction. That's all."
"And then maybe after we can transact with each other."
"And then maybe I can dismember you."
"You're just taunting me to tell you I love you again."
"It doesn't matter to me."
"Try and look me in the eye when you say it."
"Are you in, Bass? Or are you out?"
"No need to get testy. Just tell me what backhanded comment he said about your dress so I can destroy him."
"He's going to sell our sex tape."
"I know you heard me, Chuck. Don't make me say it again."
"A sex tape."
"With you and Carter Baizen."
"How could this have happened?"
"How do you think? I was trying to make you jealous and he took advantage by sneaking a camcorder into my room. And now he's trying to blackmail me."
"Trying to make me jealous."
"Perhaps you'll have to remind me. Which time with Baizen was this?"
"There was only one time and you know it."
"Because you couldn't have possibly been trying to make me jealous that time."
"Are you doubting my motives, Bass?"
"You kicked me out."
"You yelled at me."
"I was trying to protect you."
"And you didn't find me kissing him in front of you suspicious?"
"I suppose I was just so overcome with all encompassing rage."
"Well there you go. Are you a willing participant now, or not?"
"So he's blackmailing you. What is he trying to make you do exactly?"
"Anything. Everything. He won't stop taunting me with it. I don't know what to do."
"What to do is simple. He violated you. He's blackmailing you. He's dead."
"That is more compassion than I thought you were capable of."
"This has nothing to do with compassion. The truth is I'm taking advantage of the situation. And you know it."
"And what exactly are you doing?"
"What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to bury him."
"On one condition."
"You had to know this was coming."
"I did. I'm just wary of how far you're going to take this."
"As far as I can."
"I assumed as much. So what is it?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"I can't spend the night with you, Chuck."
"Do you really think that I am that unoriginal?"
"Forgive me, but the first real wager we ever did, those were the stakes."
"Ah, how could I forget? The turning point in my life. But as you recall, there didn't even have to be a wager."
"Right. You were so charming."
"There's no need for sarcasm. I was 16 years young. I didn't know there were so many other options. And I was enraptured in a fast developing love with a girl full of unforgiving beauty."
"I suppose you haven't really lost any of that charm."
"So will you be spending the night?"
"I thought you were more original than that."
"I meant of your own free will. There's nothing saying that a wager must dictate our... relations."
"We don't have relations."
"I haven't named the stakes yet."
"And what, pray tell, are those going to be?"
"I think I'll let this situation of ours develop a little more fully first."
"You can't name the stakes half way into the game. That's against the rules."
"Since when do we follow the rules?"
"I need to know right here and right now. What is the price for your assistance."
"No assistance. I will do this for you and you will let me. I'm going to destroy him and I don't want you as collateral damage."
"Because I'll just get in the way?"
"Because he's victimized you enough already. And hell if I'm going let him take advantage of you again."
"As appreciative as I am-"
"As appreciative as you are, I am doing you a favor, am I not?"
"And you can wipe that smirk off your face."
"What do you want in return?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
"I thought we weren't going to do that, Bass."
"You said you weren't. But I have free reign. It's simple, really."
"When I finally present that shiny diamond ring to you for real, you can't say no."
"You have to promise to at least consider it. Because I promise you, it's going to happen."
"...Fine. We have an agreement."
"Good. And something else."
"I am saving you from utter public humiliation."
"And you're happy to do it."
"There is still one small stipulation."
"What is it?"
"I want you on my arm at your mother's event tomorrow night."
"My mother's event?"
"Surely you're going."
"How did you know about that?"
"I was invited."
"I didn't even know about that."
"Then you can be my plus one."
"You are the most condescending bastard I have ever met."
"Then I am a perfect match for the most condescending bitch I have ever met."
"Do you consider that a compliment?"
"That I'm your match? Yes."
"I will... concur with your stipulation."
"But you have to keep your hands to yourself like a gentleman the entire night."
"But I'm not a gentleman."
"You're good at pretending."
"That's the reason your mother invited me."
"That I wasn't a gentleman."
"What do you mean by that?"
"She knew the only way I would get you back was if I acted like the arrogant, selfish bastard that I am."
"You planned this entire thing."
"Well I didn't know that you would come to me tonight, but I was sure Eleanor would spring tomorrow on you as well as me."
"You have me in a gridlock."
"Keep your hands to yourself, Bass."
"I'll see you then."
"This is a business transaction. That's it."
"I mean it."
"So do I. I'll come by with the limo."
"I'd rather take a cab."
"No you wouldn't."
"I have to choose the lesser of two evils."
"But you love being evil with me."
"Wear something hot."
"You don't have to insult me by doubting me."
"Forgive me, but I was worried you would wear something downcast just to torture me."
"Hadn't crossed my mind."
"Baizen will be there."
"What a coincidence."
"I'm going to end him, Blair."
"For doing that to you."
"You're acting more proper than usual."
"I just don't want you to get the wrong idea."
"That I'm staring at my future wife? I wouldn't dream of it."
"I only promised I would consider it."
"Trust me, love. I know you've been considering it the moment you saw that box."
"That box could have been holding anything. I don't know what you were going to ask me."
"I know what you wanted it to be."
"And I'm couting the moments until we see each other again."
"What did you just say?"