Swing123: And now, after almost an entire year of total inactivity, Garfieldodie and I have come back up from the underworld to bring you the fourth season of Calvin and Hobbes. With any luck, you will all think it was worth the wait, and you'll relish in every episode as we dive even deeper into the plot. Whatever plot we may have going, anyway.
Please enjoy our garfieldodie and I's first work first work since July 2008.
Summary: Dad drags Calvin, Hobbes and Mom on yet another perilous camping trip.
And now the Calvin and Hobbes: The Series Season Four Premiere!
Written by Swing123 and Garfieldodie
"This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order!" Calvin declared, doing a salute while he and Hobbes sat in the tree house with their newspaper hats.
Hobbes saluted back. "Here, here!"
Calvin leaned out the tree house, and pointed off towards the north.
"We have reason to suspect that our mortal enemy, Candace, has invaded our territory and infiltrated some of our top secret missions of top secretness! Last reported sighting was five minutes, three seconds ago."
"I thought Susie was our mortal enemy," He said.
Calvin glared at him.
"Hobbes, we have lots of mortal enemies! If this club only had one mortal enemy, then where would we be? Where would Superman be if he only had one super villain trying to take over the world every other day? Where would Spiderman be if there was only one weirdo out there who managed to find enough time in his day to moonlight as an evil lunatic? Where would Batman be if all he had to do is defeat one highly unrealistic villain in order to save.... whatever it is he aims on saving? I mean, come on!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Okay, fine, so we have two mortal enemies," He said, crossing his arms. "It all seems kind of silly to me,"
"Well you try finding people to be your enemies when you're so darn cool like I am!" Calvin said, turning away.
"Anyway, we need to begin devising a brilliant plan to amputate Candace from the general vicinity. Any suggestions?" Calvin whipped around.
There was a pause.
Nobody moved for several seconds.
"Oo-kay, time to switch over to Plan B," Calvin said, whipping back around.
"What's that going to be?" Hobbes asked.
"Blast Candace with water balloons until she leaves," Calvin said. "Remember, men, Candace is a new enemy. We have no idea what her level of temper is. She could worse than Susie! So I suggest we attack with great care."
"Sounds like a plan," Hobbes grinned.
"This may be our last day on Earth, men. Let's live it to the fullest!" Calvin declared.
"Sure," Hobbes grinned.
Calvin looked Hobbes up and down suspiciously.
"You're about to try and run off, aren't you?" He demanded.
Hobbes' grin faded.
"Wha...what would make you think that?"
"You're grinning like some kind of lunatic while we're about to plunge into one of our most dangerous missions," Calvin said, his eyes narrowing.
Hobbes opened his mouth to reply but Calvin cut him off.
"Never mind, we have work to do," He said, waving the tiger off. "Meeting adjourned!"
Calvin and Hobbes began clapping, then threw the ladder down to get out of the tree.
The very second Calvin's foot made contact with Mother Earth, Calvin's front door swung open.
He whipped around and immediately began talking, before he even knew who it was.
"It wasn't me!" He exclaimed. "I didn't do anything! You have no proof! Anybody could've thrown those water balloons at her! ANYBODY! I'm innocent! INNOCENT I TELL YOU!! WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?!?!?!?"
Dad stood in the doorway, staring at Calvin, taken aback,
He straightened up.
"Oh... heh, heh, hi, Dad," He said, nervously. "What's up?"
Dad continued to stare at Calvin, and didn't say anything for several seconds.
Finally, he spoke.
"Are you ready?" He said, glancing around to see if Susie was soaking wet, running off, somewhere.
"For what?" He asked.
Dad's brow furrowed.
"What do you mean for what? We've been talking about it for weeks, now!"
Calvin gave Dad a blank stare.
"Uuuhhhh... you're going to fly me down to L.A. so I can get begin my career as a child actor?"
The air hissed out of Dad's lungs, and his head fell to his chest.
"No, Calvin, we're not," He sighed.
Calvin glared at him.
"Well, what's wrong with being a child actor? There's lots of successful child actors out there! For example there's.... um... that one kid from Texas and, uh, I'm pretty sure there's one from Kentucky.... and then of course who could forget that unbelievable performance by.... what's-her-name in that one movie and... Hobbes help me!"
Calvin looked around in all directions.
Hobbes had disappeared.
Calvin whipped back to Dad.
"By golly, they say it's not wise of parents to squelch a child's dream!" He declared.
Dad rolled his eyes.
"Calvin, just start getting ready, and try to hurry!" He sighed.
"Where are we going?" Calvin asked, beginning to follow him.
"For the millionth time, we're going camping for the week," Dad sighed.
Calvin halted dead in his tracks.
It took a couple seconds for the words to register in Calvin's brain, and when they did, he went into his basic reaction.
Calvin has three steps of response when he hears that a camping trip is coming. Step one: three minute long screams. Step two: denial. Step three: Doing everything in his physical power to prevent himself from going.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!!" Calvin screamed, tumbling into his bedroom.
Hobbes, who was laying on Calvin's bed reading a comic book, looked up, and stared at him.
"Oh, hey, Calvin," He smiled, putting the comic book down. "What's going on?"
Calvin didn't reply, as he laid in a fetal position on the floor, still screaming.
"I see," Hobbes nodded. "Is this situation going to effect my physical health?"
Calvin's head came up, and he suddenly stopped screaming.
"What?! No! Of course not! Nothing's going on! We're not going anywhere! We're staying in my room all day! In fact, let me just show you how much I know that we're going to be staying here, today!!"
Calvin leaped to his feet, and flew past Hobbes.
Hobbes watched his progress, silently.
Calvin grabbed a tall pile of paper and a pencil, and frantically began writing.
Hobbes walked up to Calvin and looked over his shoulders.
"We're in mid-step two, right?" He asked, looking at Calvin.
Calvin glared at Hobbes.
"You can't even pretend to play along, can you?!" He demanded.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO CAMPING! PLEASE DON'T! I WANT TO LIVE!!! I WANT TO LIIIIIIIVE!!!!"
Dad dragged Calvin down the stairs, and somehow managed to get him outside.
Hobbes was already in the backseat of the car, which was crammed packed with duffel bags and backpacks. Mom was in the passenger's seat, watching Dad, emotionlessly.
"YOU CAN LEAVE ME HOME ALONE!! I PROMISE I WON'T TEAR THE PLACE DOWN!! WAIT!! NO! YOU CAN GET ROSALYN!! GET ROSALYN TO BABYSIT ME!!! I'M WILLING TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT, EVEN!! JUST DON'T TAKE ME CAMPING!!!!" Calvin howled, as Dad shoved Calvin into the car, and slammed the door. Mom leaned over and began buckling him. "I'LL TAKE WHATEVER DAD IS PAYING YOU AND GIVE YOU DOUBLE!!!!"
Mom rolled her eyes as Dad got into the car.
Many hours went by as Calvin, Hobbes, Mom and Dad drove down the road towards their destination. And of course, by this time, Calvin's full fledged panic had evolved into boredom.
"When are we going to be there?!" Calvin moaned, his head falling to the side.
Dad rolled his eyes.
"Calvin we're almost there, please just be quiet," He said, trying to concentrate on the road.
Calvin sank into his seat, causing it to squeak as he did so.
"I'm so bored!" He complained, moving his head around in circles.
He looked over to his left.
Hobbes was curled up on the seat, fast asleep.
"I'm so bored, my head hurts! And it's fun!!!" He said, turning back to Dad.
"Calvin...." Dad said, through gritted teeth.
"You know they did some experiment in Denver, and a bunch of rats actually died of boredom!!" Calvin said.
"Oh, you're making that up," Hobbes yawned, rolling over.
"I am not! It was all over the news! You know how smart those Denver people are! They're millions of years ahead of everyone else in scientific discoveries!!" Calvin exclaimed.
"We're here," Dad grumbled, pulling up into the driveway of the canoe rental place.
Calvin looked out the window.
"What?" He asked, looking around the general vicinity. "Oh... hey, we're here."
Calvin's complaints of being bored paused just long enough for Mom and Dad to rent a canoe and to get into the water.
"My feet hurt!" Calvin groaned as Mom and Dad rowed towards the island.
"Calvin, please stop griping," Mom said, glaring at him.
"Stop griping?!" Calvin demanded. "I'm bored out my mind, and wet and miserable, I'm about to continue being bored out of my mind for the rest of the week, and you want me to stop griping?!"
"In a minute, I'm going to have you get out of the canoe and swim to the island," Dad growled.
"Dear," Mom said, sternly.
"Hobbes what do you think about all this?" Calvin demanded, whipping around to Hobbes.
"I'm too busy trying not to get seasick to care," Hobbes said, who was leaning over the side of the boat.
Calvin grumbled, and turned back around.
Finally, after what seemed like hours for Calvin, the canoe reached the island.
"Well, gang, here we are!" Dad said, walking up onto the island. "Our home away from home!"
Mom and Calvin exchanged glances.
"I feel sorry for him," Mom said.
"I don't," Calvin grumbled.
Dad ignored them, and turned around.
"So, who's going to help me set up the tents?" He asked.
There was a moment of silence. Seconds past. In the distance, a squirrel was heard chattering.
"Okay, I can set the tents. I've done it before."
"Sort of," Calvin said.
Dad glared at him, and walked off towards the duffel bags.
He unzipped one of the bags, and began taking the contents out: Several stakes, steel rods and green material.
Dad stared at them for a long moment as they laid in the dirt. He looked up at Calvin and Mom.
They continued to stare at him.
"I'll have this up in no time! Just watch!" Dad proclaimed.
Calvin yawned and Mom's attention began to wander.
Dad spent at least an hour just trying to put up the first tent.
Mom was sitting in a lounge chair reading a novel, silently, Hobbes was pacing back and forth on the beach, and Calvin was laying on his stomach with a stick, drawing in the dirt, clearly bored out of his skull.
Finally, Hobbes came walking up to Calvin.
"Hey, Calvin, do you want to go for a walk?" He asked.
"Does it require me to get up?" Calvin asked, looking up at Hobbes.
"Uuuh... yes," He said.
"Good, let's get the heck out of here," Calvin said, leaping to his feet.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Mom! Me and Hobbes are going for a walk!"
"Don't go too far from the campsite, honey," Mom replied, not looking up from her book.
"What campsite?" Calvin asked.
Mom paused, and looked over at Dad.
He was still trying to get the first tent up.
"Don't go too far from us, honey," Mom said, turning back her book.
"Righto!" Calvin grinned.
And with that, he and Hobbes set off.
"Well, here we are," Hobbes said, as he and Calvin walked through the forest.
"The most miserable place on the planet," Calvin grumbled.
"Oh come now, it's not that bad," Hobbes said, remaining on the positive side. "There are birds singing, the forestry is beautiful, completely untouched by man...."
"The dominant species being mosquitos." Calvin growled, slapping his arm. "Why aren't they bothering you?"
"They can't get through my thick coat," Hobbes said proudly. "I always wondered why humans had such silly pink butt-naked bodies, now I know it's for the poor hungry mosquitos!"
"Oh shut up," Calvin growled, slapping his other arm. "I'm getting eaten alive, here!"
"It kind of makes you wonder, though," Hobbes said, ignoring Calvin. "You're the only species on this planet that wears clothing. It's a horrible substitute for fur. I've tried it myself, and it's just not the same,"
Calvin slapped the back of his neck.
"The only hair you really have on yourself is on you're head, and it doesn't even begin to cover all the basic stuff that fur coats provide."
Calvin began slapping his legs up and down.
"Animals know that our hair is precious and dear to us. We make sure it's nice and long and able to keep us warm. You guys on the other hand cut it all the time, put into weird shapes, change its color, constantly use it as food on Fear Factor, obsess over what it looks like when you're in public...."
Suddenly, Calvin bolted past Hobbes, screaming frantically, and slapping himself all over his body.
"THEY'RE ALL OVER ME!!!" He shrieked, slapping his ear with one hand and slapping his leg with the other.
"Whoa! Calm down there, Calvin!" Hobbes said, walking up to his companion. "Try taking your mind off of it. Think of something else."
"Like what?!" Calvin growled.
He dropped to the ground, and began rolling around frantically, trying to get the mosquitos off.
"....Like getting out of all that poison ivy for starters." He said.
Calvin stopped rolling around.
His eyes squeezed shut, and his teeth gritted.
"I HATE THIS PLACE!!!" He screamed, causing some of the trees to shiver.
After using the MTM to heal Calvin's rashes, he and Hobbes made their way back towards the campsite.
Calvin spent the whole time grumbling to himself.
Finally, they made it out of the forest.
Calvin walked right back to where he was before, and dropped to the ground. He picked his stick back up, and continued doodling in the dirt.
Hobbes watched him for a moment, wondering if he actually got anything out of their little hike. He heaved a sigh.
He looked over and saw that Dad had somehow managed to get the first tent up. The door was wide open, and it looked welcoming and warm, compared to where he was, now.
He smiled, and started towards the tent.
Suddenly, he stopped.
He looked around.
Something about the campsite was different.
He looked all around, trying to figure out what it was.
Getting a little worried, Hobbes ran up to Calvin.
"Hey, Calvin!" He said, looking around the campsite.
"What?" Calvin said, grumpily, staring intently at the dirt in front of him, as if it was a map.
"Does something seem different to you?" Hobbes asked, looking around, nervously.
Calvin broke his concentration, and looked around.
"Yes, Hobbes, Dad got the tent up. That's what's different," Calvin said, glaring at the tiger.
"No, there's something else!" Hobbes said, looking around. "Something's missing!"
"Well, how am I supposed to kno...."
Calvin turned around onto his back, and looked out towards the lake.
That's when it dawned on him.
The canoe was gone.
"Hobbes, where'd the boat go?" Calvin asked.
Hobbes looked up.
"The canoe!" He shouted. "I knew something was different!"
Calvin stood up.
"Hey, Dad!" Calvin called, "Did you pull the canoe on shore or something?"
Dad looked up from trying to start a campfire.
"No, why?" He asked.
"Oh, no reason," He shrugged, finally.
Mom looked up from her book.
All eyes went to the shore of the lake.
Then, one by one, everyone looked out into the lake.
There was a the canoe. At least a quarter mile away from the shore, getting further away with every second.
Mom's jaw dropped and her sunglasses fell off her face. Hobbes heart nearly stopped. Calvin's eyes rolled into the back of his head. Dad just stared.
It took about thirty seconds for the cruel reality to sink into everyone's heads. When it did, Mom freaked out.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" She screamed, leaping from her chair. "I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE CIVILIZATION, AGAIN!! I'LL NEVER SEE ANOTHER NEWSPAPER OR A CUP OF COFFEE, AGAIN!!"
"Now, dear, calm down," Dad said, his eyes fixed on the canoe. "Let's look at the positive light to all this,"
"Like...?" Calvin demanded.
"Well," Dad paused. "At least we won't have to listen to people complaining about society, anymore."
Calvin, Hobbes and Mom all stared at him.
Then, Mom spun around, and began racing down towards the lake.
Calvin, Hobbes and Dad all watched as Mom dove into the water and frantically began swimming towards the canoe.
"If you need me, I'll be writing up my will," Calvin said, walking off.
"Yes, and I'm going to get to work on a sign that says, WARNING: Cursed Island. Turn back or die a horrible death like we did." Hobbes said, walking in the other direction.
It was about thirty minutes later before Mom finally crawled out of the cold lake water and onto dry land.
Dad was sitting on the sand, watching her.
Mom crawled up to him and collapsed from exhaustion, just meters from his bare toes.
"No luck?" Dad asked.
Mom looked up and looked as though she could throttle him.
Dad handed her a towel.
As she dried herself off, Mom stood over him. "Did it never occur to you that water moves?" she asked, glaring at him. "Did it never occur to you that a canoe, which is a boat, is very light in the water?! Did you ever think that you need to make the canoe heavier so the water won't carry it away?!"
Dad flinched. "Uh…sorry?"
Mom growled like a mad dog.
Dad backed away.
Calvin and Hobbes were watching from nearby.
"Great," Calvin muttered. "A trip I didn't want to take extended indefinitely. Just what I didn't need. Now how the heck am I supposed to occupy my time?!"
Hobbes paused, and then looked down on the ground. He saw a giant stick. He picked it up and waved it around in the air.
"Check this out," he said, showing it to Calvin.
Calvin stared at it in surprise.
"Hey…! Nice-looking stick!" he said.
They stared at it.
"You know, I have an urge to hold that," Calvin said.
"I know. It has that affect on people," Hobbes agreed.
Hobbes handed the stick to Calvin.
Calvin hefted it in his hand for a moment.
"I find this strangely satisfying," he said at last.
"I know," said Hobbes.
"Good balance… Not too barky… Just the right amount of pointy bits… Not bad."
"Seriously," said Hobbes, letting out a low whistle.
They continued to stare at the stick.
"You do realize that if I wasn't six-years-old, this wouldn't interest me in the slightest?" Calvin asked.
"Precisely," said Hobbes.
Calvin looked into the woods.
"I'm going to go into the woods for a few hours and swing the stick around," he said. "I've got a feeling it won't break."
Hobbes nodded and went back inside the tent. Then he tossed a spray-can outside.
"Bug spray," he said.
Calvin immediately sprayed himself with it.
"I imagine it won't help," he said, putting the cap back on it. "It's like cockroaches and their pathetic excuse for spray. If you spray this stuff, they just hold their noses or go to the house next door for four weeks."
"Yeah," said Hobbes, taking the spray bottle back. "It also said to spray under the sink. I've seen the result. You spray under the sink, and they don't go under the sink. They go up in the cabinet and attack the Lorna Dunes."
"And you can't spray the Lorna Dunes," said Calvin. "You'll just poison yourself."
And with that, Calvin marched into the woods with his stick, swinging it around.
Hobbes went to take a nap.
Calvin romped around the woods for about an hour before he finally found a creek that went down a hill.
A fantasy formed in his head.
The hill became a giant mountain slope. The river became a giant treacherous rapid.
Calvin reached over and picked up and broken slab of tree bark and placed on top of the waterfall.
"Trapped on the water planet Clap, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff in under attack by a tribe of insectoid vermin! In a feat of desperation, Spiff creates a makeshift surfboard and prepares to take on the giant rapids of the planet!"
Calvin jumped onto the tree bark and used the stick to shove himself down the slope.
"Our hero slides down the mountain range in Olympic form! Our hero takes to the rapids like paint on a house! He zigs! He zags! He zips and zooms down the slope! Is there no end to his heroic daring-do?!"
Calvin pushed around the creek with his stick.
"Spiff performs exciting jumps and spins that astound and confuse his enemy! Our hero is unbeatable! He amazes all!"
Calvin then reached the bottom.
"The adventurous escapade now must take a new turn! Our hero now must tackle the dense alien jungle to escape the horrors that are this hideous planet!"
Calvin left the creek and using the stick as a machete, he hacked his way through the thick bushes and branches.
"Our hero struggles with the dangers that are possibly awaiting him! Could it be there are three-headed snakes! Or possibly six-legged creatures with two heads and a tongue on their backs?! Maybe even a hideously deformed ugly beast made up of unspeakable horrors and deadly terrors!"
Calvin finally made his way out of the thick forest…
…only to find he had gone in a complete circle and was back at the campsite.
Hobbes was napping, Mom was grumbling and Dad was thinking.
Calvin stared at them in surprise.
"Drat," he muttered.
Calvin and Hobbes sat around on the shoreline watching the sunset.
"There it is, Hobbes," Calvin said.
"What is?" Hobbes asked.
"Hope, civilization, friends, real food… The real necessities."
"And look at the only thing keeping us from it," he said.
Calvin glanced at the canoe, which was still drifting out in the middle of the lake.
"Stupid piece of carved out balsa wood," he muttered.
The sun finished setting.
They both got up and went inside their tent.
"Mosquito check," Calvin said.
They whipped out a pair of flashlights and searched every nook and cranny of the tent. It looked safe.
Hobbes zipped up the tent.
They rolled out the sleeping bags and crawled inside.
"Do you suppose camping will ever be outlawed by the Geneva Convention?" Calvin asked.
"I doubt they have the power to control such dark matters," Hobbes replied solemnly.
They turned the flashlights off and went to sleep.
To Be Continued...