This is a tribute to my friend Mike, who came back from MBLGTACC in Indiana and started talking about Link's sexual orientation, or rather lack thereof. This is what you get, dear. *facepalm*

In the words of Katie Tiedrich: "Ho ho nobody likes Ruto." There will be more chapters.

I don't own Ocarina of Time any more than I own Fire Emblem yay boo disclaimer.

Chapter One: Awkward Encounter

"Come ON!" I said, flitting around his head. "We have to go see Princess Zelda now!"

He just waved me away - or rather, splashed me away: he was swimming for his life towards the cave that led back to Zora's Domain, and either one arm had flailed higher to chase me off, or maybe it was just a spasm of terror. But since that was the direction I wanted him to go anyway, I just paused to shake off my wings and kept following him without a complaint.

That horrific fish-girl was still following us, though, alternately trying to get Link's attention ("Yoo-hoo! Wait up!") and swimming furiously to catch up. Finally she gave up and swam ahead, zipping through the water like... well, like a fish.

As Link climbed out of the water she leapt up before him, batting her eyelashes and doing her best to look attractive. "Don't forget, future husband!" she called, as he ran sideways, hugging the cave wall. "Come back when you're done talking with the princess! I won't tell my father that you're my fiance yet!"

Link made a noise somewhere between a groan and a whimper, and I snickered to myself as we fled past King Zora and he dove down the waterfall. I shouldn't have been laughing, but it was just impossible not to. She was the scariest female I'd ever seen, including Zelda's terrifying Amazonian bodyguard. And that was saying a lot.

It was Link's stupid fault, of course, for letting her boss him around like that in the whale's belly. We could've easily found that stupid Sacred Stone on our own, just like we'd done in the Dodongo's Cavern. But no, he'd had to let her tell him what to do to find the stone. Even though I was just a fairy, I was a lot wiser about other females than I let on to Link. From the second he'd first picked her up over his head, Link had been Ruto's property - at least in her head.

I followed the boy up a ladder and out of Zora's Domain; he was moving so fast that I could hear him panting with the effort. "Link, we're okay! She's not behind us anymore!" I said, but I didn't think he'd heard me. I wasn't sure if he was still running from Ruto, or if his panic had merely gotten the better of him, and we would have to escape the river area altogether before he got ahold of himself.

It turned out the latter was at least partially right. As we swam down the river and out onto Hyrule Field, he collapsed on the grass, wheezing and glassy-eyed. "Hey! You okay?" I demanded as I flitted down to his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't have an aneurysm on the spot.

"Yeah," he said tartly, between gasps. "I... hate girls."

"Thanks," I said, as dryly as possibly.

He shook his head, grinning. "Not... not girl fairies, Navi. Just... girls. They're weird." I was about to remark that Zelda was a girl, too, and he'd seemed to like her fine, when he got up from the grass, leaning over for only a minute, and started jogging towards the castle. "Come on!"

Irked by him using what was usually my line, I just followed. I really, really couldn't blame him for acting like this. That Zora girl had been just creepy, much creepier than any of the Kokiri girls ever were. I couldn't believe she'd actually mentioned marriage to a ten-year-old boy. Especially Link, the kid who could barely string ten words together to save his life. His face had been so red I thought he was going to combust.

And then there was the way she'd forced it, too. Not only had she insisted that the only way to give Link the stupid Sapphire was for them to be engaged... but then she'd practically extorted a promise out of him to come back and marry her the instant he got back from the castle! I shivered, dropping in the air a little as my wings missed a beat. The image of her twining her slippery arms around his neck like that... then rubbing her little operculum against his face... Ugh! Even I was going to have nightmares.

Poor Link. He ran onwards, little legs churning to get to the castle as fast as possible. Thank the goddesses that Zelda, at least, would act like a princess, and conduct herself decently.