*African song begins*

In a gloomy, dirty room; a woman stood over a quivering man. Her face was hidden behind a bird shaped mask, so her facial expression was indistinguishable to the man, who gazed up at her pleadingly.

The fright apparent upon the man's face increased as the woman circled him, for what had to be the 100th time (they'd been waiting for the cut scene for a while, and so she'd wanted to practice).

Eventually the tension clearly got too much for the man because he suddenly darted out a hand grasping at the woman. The intensity of the music increased as the woman shook him off and then…

"Oh for fucks sake!" The woman exclaimed suddenly.

The man stopped groaning and glanced up, half way through putting some black eye contacts in. "What's up?" he enquired.

"Well where's that woman doing the stupid singing?" The bird-masked woman asked, her head snapping around furiously as she searched for the distraction. "It's just making this whole scene a lot less tense."

"Oh…" the man, on the ground, trailed off and looked around quickly, before eventually settling his eyes upon a woman in the corner. She was holding a microphone, and though still singing, was now looking sheepish. "She's over there." he nodded.

The bird-masked woman swung around to cast an –unseen, pointless- glare at the sheepish looking woman.

"Oi!" she called.

The singer continued singing; casually pretending she couldn't see the bird-masked woman's furious stance.

"Oi!" The bird-masked woman repeated. "Hey, stop that!"

The singer stopped and jabbed a finger to her chest, in question as to whether The bird-masked woman was referring to her…although there was clearly no-one else The bird-masked woman could be talking to…the singer was just deliberately misunderstanding…quite annoying really.

"Yeah you. Stop that; it's distracting." The bird-masked woman growled.

The singer nodded; her face stretched into a sad, depressed frown…she'd always wanted to be a singer and now stupid Ji…the stupid bird-masked woman was wrecking her dreams. The bird-masked woman nodded, flexed slightly and then turned back to the groaning man.

"Ooaiheeeeee."

The bird-masked woman stiffened and turned steadily to cast another –unseen and, yet again, pointless glare- at the singer. The singer shuffled, under The bird-masked woman's glare, awkwardly before coughing and looking up.

"Me sorry." she apologised pitifully.

The bird-masked woman nodded yet again, gave the groaning man the thumbs up and then left the room; leaving the man to choke as leech like things began crawling all over him.

Meanwhile, on a dusty African road; a car was steadily making its way to a random African village. The man driving the car was Chris Redfield (or Man Hulk).

"Ahem." He cleared his throat efficiently.

Time for my monologue. I should have seen it coming, it didn't take long after the fall of Umbrella…ella ella eh eh eh…corporation for their bio weapons to end up in the hands of naughty people. A new era of naughty people…naughtiness descended upon vulnerab…le…le…lel…countries. Shifting the balance of power throughout the region. People in the destabilized areas soon feared another incident like Badger city was inevitable. As panic spread; governments of the world turned to their local pharmacies…and everyone knows local pharmacies were the creators of the anti-naughties group: The BSAA (Big Super Asshole Association). Operatives of the BSAA were sent to infiltrate and neutralize. Restoring safety and sanity to various regions around the globe, that's why another name for the BSAA is the Globe Trotters…sound familiar? Yes, we're the Globe Trotters.

Not used to this extensive amount of thinking, and not used to telling himself a story he already knew; Chris scratched his head, trying to chase away the headache that had just erupted in his cranium as he jumped out of his van. The overly muscly man proceeded to the trunk of his car to check out his suitcase.

"Ah shit." He cursed upon realising that all he'd brought to this super awesome, extensively hard mission was his muscles, some porn and two Resident Evil games (both with his rival Leon in it!)

"Run while you can."

Chris turned to see a petit, pretty African woman; a solemn glare plastered over her face. A little outstanded, Chris looked behind him; checking that she was definitely talking to him.

"M…me?" he checked. "What sort of greeting is that?"

"Oh I'm sorry," she retorted sarcastically. "Were you expecting something nice? Like…Welcome to Africa?"

Chris stared at her in bemusement for a while, the woman glared back. Eventually Chris spoke. "Uh…well, yeah. I mean, it's kinda weird to have that as your greeting…"

"…fine," the African woman relented. "Welcome to Africa."

"Thank you." Chris nodded before opening a porn mag and flipping through it.

The woman watched him for a while before stepping forward slightly. "My name is Sheva Alomar." she introduced.

Chris looked up from the mag and nodded in acknowledgement. "Chris Redfield. Man Hulk to my friends, and to my enemies…death."

There was a moment of silence as Sheva stared at Chris and Chris stared back.

"O…k," Sheva whistled, awkwardly, after a while. "Anyway. Your muscles precede you Mr. Redfield, it's an honour."

"It's Chris," Chris returned moodily. "So I'm guessing you're my partner? That's just great."

"Shut up," Sheva retorted. "Listen; tensions are running high ever since Mint Choc ice cream was discontinued in the shops, in this area."

"I'll bet," Chris nodded. "My mum said this place is a haven for naughties now."

"Your mother is correct," Sheva affirmed. "And they're not going to be happy to see a gigantic, muscular guy running around with guns, BSAA or not. That's why I'm your partner; to help put them at ease." she explained.

"Oh and I'm sure you'll do just fine." Chris assured her, turning to throw the porn mag back into the car and rolling his eyes.

Sheva nodded –unaware of the sarcasm in Chris' tone- then turned and walked away, leaving Chris to have a flashback.

"Partner…" he murmured.

A flash of Jill Valentine's grave flew into his mind. Jill Valentine…his partner.

"Ooh, that hurts right there." Chris groaned, clutching his heart with one hand and wiping tears away with the other.

"You ok, you big baby?" Sheva asked as she turned to look at him.

"Shut up," Chris replied. "Let's roll." he ran to join Sheva at her side.

The partners began walking aimlessly in the correct destination. A few locals gave Chris funny looks; so he had to punch them, but otherwise it was going without a hiccup.

Booboo's continue to mount over the long years I've struggled with my sexuality. More and more I find myself wondering if it's all worth fighting for.

"Don't tell me, it's not worth fighting for."

Suddenly an African man, in army gear, interrupted Chris' monologue/song. Sheva motioned for Chris to stay back before advancing forward to the man.

The man looked to Chris and said something, but obviously Chris couldn't understand; as he hadn't bothered to learn the language. The American pointed to his ears, grinning, and then shrugged.

This seemed to irritate the man as he pushed forward to confront Chris, but then he noticed Sheva. Smiling nastily; the man began feeling the woman up.

As his hands reached her bum, Sheva squealed. "Ew. You pervert!" she shoved the man back, before handing him some identification papers. "C'mon Chris-" she turned to her partner, only to see that he wasn't there.

Confused, the woman turned back to the army man; just in time to see Chris beating him senseless.

"Chris. What are you going?" She demanded.

"He. Touched. Your. Bootimus. Maximus!" Chris roared as he landed another punch on the man.

Sheva looked at him for a few moments before shrugging.


Finally, once Chris had beaten the man senseless he stood up.

Sheva looked up from the porn mag, she had been reading. "Ready?" she asked.

"Yep." Chris nodded, grinning.

Sheva gave him a funny look, but Chris didn't see as he was resuming his monologue.

There's one thing I do know; I got forced to do this job…and at any available opportunity I'm going to run away.

The large gate, in front of the two, opened, allowing Chris and Sheva to walk dramatically through.


I'm slowly going through these chapters, editing them so that they won't burn your eyes out when you read them. Hope the improvement is ok.