Bound in flesh and inked in human blood the necronomicon ex-mortis, translated Book of the dead. Inside its pages contain bizarre burial rights and passages for demon resurrection. This ancient Sumerian text is responsible for all monsters and evil spirits in the world. Last time anyone checked it was lost to another dimension never to bother us again.

But don't think I haven't noticed all of the stuff that's been going on in the world recently. A cursed video tape that houses the spirit of a tormented young girl out east, a glass prison that held 12 ghosts and was allegedly a portal to hell was mysteriously destroyed, and a small Alaskan town was almost completely wiped out by what survivors called an "army of vampires." Now I know this seems like it's all just some made up story you'd see in those magazines with the bat boy and 500 pound lady at the supermarket but I can tell you right now from first hand experience they're all real, and they're becoming more frequent. Which can only mean one thing, the necronomicon is back, and sooner or later it's gonna come calling for me, My name is Ash and I kill monsters.

"Army of Mischief"

Ash was just an ordinary teen fresh out of high school when he learned his calling. He and his friends wanted to celebrate college by going to a small cabin in the woods of Tennessee. Big mistake! While there they found the necronomicon, it possessed everyone and Ash was forced to kill them all including his sister Cheryl and girlfriend Linda. He himself was possessed but overcame it. But don't think that means he got off scot-free, the demons drove Ash insane and forced him to cut off his own hand and replace with a chainsaw. The book then transported Ash to the dark ages where he learned he was the chosen one destined to rid the world of the undead. At which point Ash returned to modern times, and following some time at a mental asylum went back to work at an S-Mart in Detroit Michigan. He was happy there he got a good thing going with a clerk Suzy and he hasn't been bothered by deadites (demons who posses others through the necronomicon) for months. There was one problem though. Across the street from the S-Mart a new Super Hal Mart was going in. There was no way they could compete with them. What's worse was that it was going to have a grand opening next week.

Suzy walked up to Ash, "I'm scared Ash, I don't know what I'd do if I lost my job."

"Don't worry baby," Ash replied, "Their lead based junk can't compete with our good old fashion service." This seemed to comfort Suzy. Ash knew there was no way they could compete and they'd be out of business in a matter of weeks.

Later after work Ash and Suzy were going out to the parking lot with two co-workers Scott and Frank when a skinny pale man with coke bottle glasses came up to them.

"Excuse me," he said "But are you Ashley, Suzy, Frank, and Scott?"

"That depends," Ash said "Who wants to know?"

The man replied "I'm Alex, the manager of the new Hal Mart across the street and-"

"Oh no you don't." Interrupted Ash "We want nothing to do with you slime balls, you're going to force us out of business." "Yeah!" agreed the others.

"It's a shame you feel that way." said Alex "Because was going to offer you all some jobs at Hal Mart."

"Jobs?" said Frank

"That's right you'd be paid fifty cents more with us and get dental."

"Well maybe we could go take a look." said Scott.

"Good follow me." said Alex who began walking toward Hal Mart quickly followed by Scott and Frank.

"I don't know about this Ashley, it doesn't feel right." said Suzy.

"It isn't and we aren't gonna take any jobs from them, I just want to have look inside and see what all the fuss is about."

"Ok," she said, and together they walked off with Alex.

The inside of the store was huge. The place was very dimly lit and only about half of the shelves had any products on them. Not to mention they were the only ones there.

"So what do you think?" asked Alex.

Ash whistled with amazement. "This place is bigger than a "Super Sized" drink at Big-Kahuna-Burger."

"Actually we have a Big-Kahuna-Burger in the store." replied Alex

"No kidding." said Ash looking around.

"By the way Mr. Williams I noticed that you had a prosthetic limb." Ash looked down at his right hand. He had cut it off and mounted a fully functionally metallic hand in its place. "Has S-Mart ever paid compensation for you working with a disability?"

"No, I get by just fine." said Ash.

"Anyway on with the tour, now as you can see we have one of the largest-" started Alex but Ash just tuned him out. He had no interest in working here and thought Alex was just your run of the mill geek. Then Ash noticed something. A ways away there was a sign that said pets.

"Any questions?" asked Alex.

"Yeah." said Ash "You guys got a pet store?"

"Indeed we do, let me show you." The group then followed Alex to the area labeled pets. "Now as you can see we don't have any pets here yet but we have all their cages set up, and we should get them in next week."

Then Ash noticed a cage with a white sheet covering it.

"What's in there?" he asked. Alex looked around puzzled then noticed the cage and smiled.

"Silly me I forgot, we did get in one pet this morning a very rare animal believed to have originated in China." said Alex.

"It doesn't have SARS does it?" Asked Ash.

"No, I assure you it's quite harmless. Here" Alex then removed the sheet to reveal a small furry creature with brown and white fur, he appeared startled at the taking of his sheet. "His name is Gizmo and he is a rare creature called a Mogwai."

"If he's so rare you probably shouldn't be selling him then." said Suzy angrily.

"Don't worry we have a permit that allows us to sell him, and watch this." Alex then grabbed a water bottle sitting by the cage and squirted Gizmo with it. Gizmo began to shake violently.

"What'd you do to him!?" Suzy said.

"Just watch." Alex said. Suzy and the others then saw that Gizmo had multiplied, now there where six Mogwai in the cage instead of one. Each one looked slightly different than the others acted differently too.

"Ooooohhhh. Ash they're so cute can we get one?" asked Suzy now mesmerized by their cuteness.

"No," said Ash "In fact I think we should leave." Ash then grabbed Suzy and the two left.

"We should probably go too." said Scott.

"Well alright." said Alex "But I'll drop by tomorrow to see what you think." Then all the S-Mart employees left leaving Alex by himself. He turned toward the cage of Mogwai and smiled. "Sorry, we still got a few more hours till midnight, and I don't want you to spoil your appetite." He then smiled and walked off.