A/N: I am in the process of a more serious Jane fic, and neded inspiration. So I wrote this really long funny Jane fic one shot. You know all those Bella and Nessie sitting fics with Emmett and Jasper babysitting them. I felt the derranged need to write one with Jane. On with the reading.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don't own Twilight
And neither do you (unless you are Stephenie Meyer reading this)
Keep writing (and reading)! Peace!
Emmett and Jasper Babysit Jane
"I can't believe this!" I yelled through the house. We had Bella-sat before. And Nessie-sat. But Volturi-sitting? This was just insanity!
"Emmett, Aro is sending Jane to us, because he thinks she needs to learn to be more "social". Hell knows why he decided us, but deal with it. It's either Jane, or being burned at the stake, with Jane using her powers, and the Ancients laughing. Make your choice," Carlisle told us. Frankly, I'd choose option two. But obviously, there was no choice. So we had to watch the brat of all brats, Jane Volturi. How did this even happen? How was such a little hellish demon allowed near humanity? Or vampiranity? I was already plotting against the little freak in my mind…
"Emmett! Bella's gone! Get your guard up!" Jasper yelled at me. Of course. The whole family just had to take this opportunity to go hunting. But why did they bring our only potential defense with them? Why, oh why? Now it was just me, Emo Boy, and the devil. Jane gave us a sinister smile, which instantly sent us into panic mode.
"Well, there aren't any humans, or half human freaks around, so I guess I'll do with torturing you two. Hmm. Would you like to put up a fight, run away, et cetera, et cetera? Any bribes? Threats?" she said.
"I'll give you one hundred dollars to go back to Volterra!" I yelled.
"Three hundred!" Jasper raised the bet.
"One thousand fifty!"
"Nine thousand, nine hundred, ninety nine, ninety nine!"
"Make it one hundred thousand, and I'll leave," Jane said.
"But that's both of our savings, and both of our wives savings, and our sister's!" Jasper complained.
"You have access to Bella's account?" she questioned.
"No, we were talking about Edward, or as we like to call him, Edwella," I said.
"Oh, I see where you're coming from. He is quite girlish, isn't he?" Jane commented. Great! We had her distracted. Now, all that's left to do was escape…
"Now, I was thinking about laughing, as you two twitched helplessly on the floor, but I have a better idea. We'll prank everyone in the house. Then, I'll watch you two twitch on the floor. Deal?" she said. So all we had to do was keep coming up with more and more pranks, so she wouldn't have time to torture us… yeah! I had my plan.
"I have the first one! I said.
"Oh, god. We're doomed," Jasper (aka Emo Boy) said.
"Oh, No, Emo Boy! This is for Edwella! And her family! We get hundreds of hamsters, turn them into vamsters, and let them loose in the cottage! It's perfect! Muahaha!" I told him.
"Emo Boy?" he questioned. I nodded. He continued, "we don't have three days, Emmett. And I am not emo!"
"It doesn't take three days for hamsters. Only three minutes. And you, brother, are indeed emo," I told him, shrugging. He was about to ask how I knew that, but didn't. He wouldn't want to know anyway…
"TO THE PET SHOP!" I exclaimed.
At Forks Neighborhood Pets
"Oooh! They all look so yummy!" Jasper said. Tsk tsk. He shouldn't be buying them to eat!
"I want a puppy!" Jane exclaimed.
"You can't have a puppy. Unless…Jane you're getting a puppy!" I told her. I wanted to vampify one.
"EEEEEEE! I'm gonna get that black and white one, and name it Oreo! EEEEE!" she said. She picked out her puppy, and we paid for it, along with the shop's whole stock of fifty hamsters. We also got Jane a leash, and diamond studded collar for Oreo, with a Dalmatian print tag, with Oreo inscribed. We walked out with a little dog, and a huge box of mass bred hamsters, and drove home.
"Now, I vant to vampify ze animalz!" I said, in a very convincing transylvanian voice. They rolled their eyes for some reason.
"I'm changing my precious Oreo!" Jane said, and she bit the little dog. We watched in awe as it yelped in pain, then twitched, then awoke with blood red eyes. All flaws were gone. And it only took about ten minutes.
"PUPPY!" Jane exclaimed. Jasper rolled his eyes. Now, to the hamsters!
"We have to hurry! Only half an hour left, and we still have to prank everyone else!" I told them. Then I began biting hamsters.
"What will be a good prank for Alice?" I asked Emo Boy, between mouthfuls of the little furballs. He shrugged.
"Ooh! I know! We put vampire applees in her closet, and let them wreak havoc, and then, I hide under the bed, and use my power on her while she's distracted! It's perfect!" Jain said. She snickered, and gave a devious smile. I sniffled. Little Volturi becoming more like me every day.
"Can apples be vampified?" asked Emo Boy. Stupid Jasper. Of course they can!
"Yes, they can! Now go bite some human food, Emo Boy!" I told him. He shrugged, and ran off to the kitchen. Muahahaha! This was perfect! Now what to do for Carlisle and Esme…
"For Carlisle and Esme, we could hang all of Carlisle's medical equipment from the ceiling of their bedroom, and then pretend to ruin the house," Emo Boy suggested. Now he was thinking!
"Great! Jane, get right on that! The medical bag is in the closet upstairs, and I think you'll figure out some way to destroy the house! Go, go! Hurry!" I yelled at Jane. I continued changing the hamsters.
Wow. I never thought this would be so fun. I thought the Cullens were all "oh, nicety nice nice" and "no, mean is not nice!". But these guys could really be pretty devious. Oh well. I took Oreo up the stairs, and found Carlisle's bag. I emptied it out to reveal lots of sharp thingy majigs. Whatever. I pulled some strechy band-aid material out, and hung it from the ceiling. Then I taped all the thingy majigs to the ends. This looked like a horror movie gone wrong. Perfect! Then I moved on to the house. I just went around, banging dents into the walls. I also broke a few lights or so, and let Oreo pee all over the place. Then, I went to the kitchen, and poured some blood into a bowl for Oreo. Let me tell you she made a BIG mess. Blood was all over the carpet, the walls, and Oreo needed a bath. It looked like a chainsaw massacre scene! Muahahahahahahaha! Well, that was done, so I went back down to help with the hamsters and apples.
Why was I doing this? It was stupid. Very, very, stupid. But Emmett's stupid emotions gave me a sugar buzz. Whatever. I just kept biting into the putrid red fruits, and began seeing the changed ones grow fangs. Fangs? We didn't even have fangs! Whatever, I was two away from the mass amount Emmett instructed me to change. Twenty apples.
"Emo Boy! Come out here! They're almost here! It's time!" Emmett called. I ran out.
"Okay, Emo Boy, put the apples in your wife's closet," he said, gesturing to the shaking box in my hands, "Jane, go tie up Oreo in the front, and then hide under Jasper and Alice's bed. I'll go put the hamsters in Edwella's cottage. Good luck, good buddies! Onward!"
We all ran to our duties. I dumped the apples in Alice's closet, closing the door to lock them in. I heard Oreo start yapping up a storm when she got tied up. Then, as I was walking out of the room, Jane whizzed by, quietly stating they were there. I nodded, and she disappeared under the bed. I walked down calmly, and was greeted by everyone. Jane had only done destruction upstairs, so Esme didn't freak out yet. Emmett had gotten back as well, and was lying back on the couch, watching TV.
"Hey, everyone. Alice, what is that you're holding exactly?" I asked. Alice was holding Oreo tenderly, gently petting behind it's ears.
"This, Jasper, is a dog. I would like to know why, it has red eyes for one, and why it was tied up in front of the house," she said, and her tone questioned Emmett's sanity (No infrigment intended from using almost exact words from Twilight). But then again, Emmett was completely insane. There was reason in questioning it.
"Jane wanted a puppy, and Emmett wanted to bite something," I explained, sounding bored. I walked over to join Emmett in TV watching.
"Where is Jane…?" Carlisle asked. I shrugged my shoulders, making sure not to think of where she really was. Jane, right on cue, giggled from upstairs.
"Either she just found someone's underwear, or she thinks we're still playing hide-and-seek," I stated. Everyone stared in amazement for a moment, but then went off to their rooms. Esme was the first to scream.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE? EMMETT DALE MCCARTY CULLEN!!!" she screamed. I snickered, and Emmett rose to his feet.
"Coming, Mother dearest!" he called up, then I heard Esme tackle him, and probably fall out of a window, because I heard glass break. Then I heard Emmett's beg for mercy, and agonized scream. He was getting it now, and Jane was the one who made the whole mess. Poor, poor Emmett. Next was Alice.
I walked in my room, and straight to my closet. My outfit was completely bloodstained, and tattered. I thought I heard some scratching noises coming from inside, but- oh no.
"WHAT THE HELL DID EMMETT DO TO THESE APPLES? AND WHY DO THEY HAVE TEETH? OH NO! NOT THE JUICY COUTURE, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU APPLES, NOOOOO! PLE-" Alice called, but I cut her off by using my power. She fell to the floor in agony, until the shield came in. Stupid shield. She straightened back up, and walked back into the closet. I heard some squishing, squealing, and snarling. Poor defenseless apples. Just wait till they get to the hamsters. Muahaha!
I walked into my room, to find all my medical instruments hung from the ceiling. Not the worst prank ever. I just started taking them down. Real nice one, Emmett.
I walked in the cottage, and froze when I saw all the little freaks. Little balls of orange fluff, with little red dots at the top. Hamsters. My one, single fear. I didn't fear the Volturi, or any other vampire, or werewolves. But hamsters. I…my nightmare was coming true.
"NO! THEY'VE COME TO GET ME! JUST LIKE IN MY DREAM! HELP MEEEEEE! AAAAAH! THEY'RE GAINING ON ME! DAAAAAAAD! SOMEBODY! OW! ONE JUST BIT ME! HOW DID A HAMSTER JUST BITE ME! I HAVE SUPER STRONG SKIN! HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP MMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…" I screamed, but trailed off as they tackled me to the ground, and my world went black…
Jane's POV, later when all the pranks are discovered.
"Emmett, Jasper, we're very, VERY disappointed in you. Aro sends Jane to us to take care of, and what do you do? You take it as a joke. Rooms, now, both of you," Carlisle said. This would be good. I was still balled up in the corner, playing my innocence act, fake dry sobbing.
"Jane, sweetie, you're okay. They'll never come near you again," Esme told me, patting my arm. This would be good.
"Oh (sob) I'm f-fine (sob sob). It's just th-they f-(sob)forced me t-to do all th-(super loud sob)those h-horrid th-things (long line of excessive sobbing). P-please f-(sob)forgive me?" I said. Very convincingly.
"Oh, Jane, would you like to go home early?" she asked. I nodded.
Still Jane's POV, she's gotten home to Volterra
"Jane, what is THAT?" Aro asked.
"First of all, it's a she, and second of all, this is Oreo. My puppy. Uncle Emmett got it for me while I was over in Forks," I said. Everyone came up and cooed at my little Oreo, until it was feeding time. Oreo and I shared a human, and I made Alec document it in photos. I'd make sure to send some back to the Cullens. When Emmett and Emo Boy get out of grounding, of course.