CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS©
Episode VI: Olympic Turmoil
The characters dipicted right here aint mine. They belong to Vince. No copyright infringement intended and I'l put em back when I'm done already!
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chynaa she-male forged in the heat of low blows and assorted other ass kicking techniques. The POWER, the PASSION, the DANGER
Her courage will change the world!!!
Ah, a new subject to my tales of valor. Of course, this begins where Chyna V: The Final Frontier' left off, but with out the Taker hassling everyone. WOOOO! The asshole's dead, the asshole's dead, oh yeah
AhemON! ON CHYNA!
The sun was hot. Check that, the sun was scorching. Chyna groaned as she adjusted her leather bikini which was clinging to her body in a waterfall of sweat. Chyna was absolutely SICK of Athens already and she'd only been there a week, after riding for days from the cursed D-Generate kingdom. She was busy muttering to herself when she felt herself stumbling on the dusty road, almost falling over. She swore silently as the busy and snobbish Athenian locals shoved her this way and that, going nowhere in a hurry. She gazed down at her boots; falling to pieces on her feet, the leather cracking, a toe visible.
"Shit." She groaned, looking around for somewhere to get her shoes repaired. She'd been needing new boots ever since climbing that bloody mountain. "Shit, shit shit!"
Why me? She thought bitterly. You'd think that bloody HBK would at least give me a new pair of bloody boots for all the shit I went through for that pathetic little bastard! Damn religion! Dammit to Tartarus!
She could have kept thinking nastily about the gods, but she had noticed a blacksmith's, and if she asked nicely she might be able to get them to patch up her shoes. Hurriedly, trying not to ruin her boots any further, she sped towards the inviting looking shop
Unfortunately, she never made it. The call of danger had wrenched her off her course, poor helpless merchants calling out for help as they were viciously ransacked.
"OH WHAT?!" Chyna screeched as a pathetic looking man yanked her towards his stall. "What do you bloody want?! I need some frikkin boots asshole!"
"But warrior, we're being robbed!"
"Oh, alright." Muttered Chyna, unable to argue because it was pretty much her job. Slumping her shoulders and cracking her knuckles she strode towards the thief, a black scarf wrapped around his head and brandishing a small fencing sword.
"Hey!" Chyna sighed with authority. The brash robber paid not one scrap of attention.
"HEY YOU PIECE OF TRASH!" Chyna screamed, seizing his attention. "Don't fucking ignore me! If I want your damn attentionyou give it to me!"
"Go away" The robber sighed, belting a gold an pointy likeness of the goddess Tori across the head of a merchant and then chucking it in his sack. "You're making all this terribly difficult. Get back to the kitchen."
"Kitchen?!" Chyna spat in disgust, striding up to the thief, grabbing locks of long blond hair hanging from under the scarf and with an authoritative yank pulling him head over heels to the ground. His booty flew from the bag and soared in all directions as he crawled pitifully in the dirt.
"I see you've got me mistaken for someone else." Chyna sighed, kicking him fair up the ass as he bent over to pick up the fallen items, and sending him careening towards the ground yet again. "Kitchen? Yes, wellI AM going to enjoy beating you like an egg"
But the robber had leapt to his feet and grabbed his small and pathetic looking fencing sword, waved it a couple of times and let out a hardy giggle.
"HA HA! You woman? You think you can best me in a duel, a man?" He gave the sword a quick slash through the air.
"Yup." Chyna pulled out her broad sword.
"Well then, on ten paces we shall"
He never finished. With a sigh and a chop, Chyna's blade went sailing cleanly through the pitiful excuse for a sword in his hand. Half of the thin sharp edged metal fell harmlessly onto the earth. His eyes widened, and he gulped; the onlookers burst into hysterical laughter.
"You bitch! You total and utter BITCH!" He screamed, pulling off the mask to reveal an arrogant looking blond. "No one treats Chris Jericho like this! NO ONE!"
"Contemptible female! You'll pay!"
Jericho threw down the now useless weapon in his hand and took a martial arts stance, glaring at the Warrior Princess as he slowly moved around her muscular frame.
He swung a punch. Chyna scowled, caught his fist in her palm, and with a vice like grip, squeezed; he yelped.
"If you say so"
Still gripping his hand she floored him with a swinging movement of her arm. He hacked in pain but scrambled to his feet. Once again he took the same position, this time trying to catch her with a side kick. She grabbed his leg with both arms, spun him around and buried her knee into his midsection, before catching him with a headbutt and a few jabs. When she was done she shoved his swaying body, sending him to the dust for a third time. He slowly staggered up, shuddering from the force of her blows and turned towards the black smith's she was previously heading for.
"NICOLE! NICOLE GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!"
Chyna watched in awe as the largestperson she had ever seen stepped out of the building and into the daylight. She was a rippling powerhouse of muscular prowessher face was hard and chiseled, her long blond hair tied back and her chin jutting out with the gait of a rotweiller. She was scantily covered in leather armor, her arms were crossedand she didn't look too happy.
"Well just don't stand there!" Jericho screeched across the market place to the female gargantuan. "GET HER!"
Nicole obliged to the frantic Jericho's request, stomping purposely at the Warrior Princess until they stood eye to eye.
"COME ON THEN LITTLE WOMAN!"
I've never been called little woman' beforeChyna though hastily.
Chyna went for a strong punch to the jaw. It struck, and rebounded as if she had hit a boulder. Nicole grinned as Chyna grasped her fist in pain, her knuckles throbbing.
"IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!"
Chyna swore and went for the attack. A kick hit the sculpted abs, but failed to shift the mountain of muscle. Another kick with the same result. Laughter, mockful laughter fell from the ultimate she-male's lips as she effortlessly picked up Chyna, held her over her head for a few seconds, then dumped her on the hard ground.
"Holy shit!" Chyna screeched as Nicole grabbed her ankles and started swinging her around, and aroundand around, before releasing her. She slammed into the very stall she was defending, statues and pots falling all over her. She groaned and rolled around, being jabbed by the horrid little Tori statues. All of a sudden, a familiar head popped from the carnage.
"Man, watch where you'reum, falling"
"EDGE!" Chyna screeched, grabbing his long coat and pulling him close. "Help"
"Help?" Edge asked suspiciously. "You need help? Get outta town."
"Don't play games with me asshol"
She would have finished, but Nicole had grabbed her hair and wrenched her back into battle, only to throw her back into the same destroyed stall. Edge watched in surprise.
"Yes, I suppose you really ARE getting your ass beat. Ok, I'll help"
"Thankssss" Chyna was yanked upwards and senselessly pummeled as Edge grabbed a vase and snuck up behind the two warring women. He raised the ceramic to strike Nicole, but they switched sides. He turned, they switched again. Every time he went to hit the enemy, he found himself aiming for the Warrior Princess.
"Oh..oh, oh!" Edge cried, swiping the vase.
"HIT HER!" Screeched Chyna as Nicole shook her like a rag doll. The pot whizzed through the air, straight towards Nicole's skulland broke into a million tiny pieces
Shattered by the hardness of Chyna's head.
Chyna moaned as she held the steak at her throbbing skull, Edge preparing tea for the Warrior Princess. Needless to say, the battle had gone even further down hill since that incident. Edge presented her with a small cup of tea, then sat next to her on the bench in his hut.
"I saw Christian." She sighed.
"Really?" Said Edge. "Is he ok?"
"Why did you um? Is he employed? Is he alive?"
"He's alivejust unemployed. It was an accident."
"You lost his job, didn't you?"
"Hey, who wants to be feeding Paul Bearer all their lives?"
"Oh my godsyou IDIOT! We would have been rich!"
"Oh shut up." Chyna muttered. "Who the hell was that woman?!"
"Nicole Bassius, blacksmith and body guard to that bastard Jericho." Sighed Edge. "She's here for the Olympics"
"Olympics?" Chyna sat up. "What Olympics?"
"The second annual Olympics in honor of our great god HBK"
Chyna's snickering cut him off. "Great god" He looked surprised, but continued.
"And his rule over us mere mortals. Jericho wants to winhe'll get enough money to do whatever the hell he wantsand Nicole's gonna get it for him. You should see her Javelin arm"
"I've FELT her javelin arm thank you very much." Chyna muttered, shifting the steak. "So there's a little competition going on in Athens, huh? Looks like I'm gonna have to cut off that little bastard in his tracks."
"Buthow?" Asked Edge. "We need more than you and me against thatfemale. She kicked your ass!"
"It's sport, not battle." Sighed Chyna, sipping her tea. "Ugh, this is crap! Anyway, she can't beat us up on the field. Never the less, I'll send a message to a frienduh, distant relative of mine. He'd be mad to stick with X-Pac and the D-Generates in the OlympicsX-Pac is physically inept."
"Me and You Chyna, we're gonna kick ass!"
Chyna simply stared at the long and pointy stick that Edge had handed her, then spun and glared at the vampire hunter.
"What the hell is this?!"
"It's a javelin Princess." He replied as he carefully carved up another long stick.
"Can't I train with a REAL javelin?!"
"Don't have one, I can't afford stupid little sticks. These'll do!"
"Oh yes" Muttered Chyna, giving it a mighty throw. It sailed on a wobbly course before being picked up in the wind and deposited in the branches of a tree. She rolled her eyes in despair.
"I think I'd have better luck throwing a damn boulder!"
She could have gone on, but the sight of a golden chariot riding into the training spot shut her up, as the one person she found most irritating had arrived in all his glory. The door opened and out stepped a cloaked Mr. Ass, turning his head at the onlookers and giving the occasional flex here and there. He smiled, raised an arm and sauntered towards the Warrior Princess.
"Ah Chyna, taking in some sport are we?"
"Yes. You're representing the D-Generates no doubt."
"NO WAY. I'm representing myself, the only kingdom worth representing."
"Of course." Sighed Chyna, picking up another home made javelin and hurling it with all her might. It landed about three paces from her.
"If that's all you've got, I'm entering the javelin contest then!" Said Billy, confidently striding away, continuing to flex his rippling muscles. Edge shot a nervous glance at Chyna, but she shook it off.
"Forget the little asshole." She sighed. "He'll get what's coming to himeventually."
She was quite pleased when Kane finally arrived, with the pathetic little X-Pac jumping along by his side, getting pumped for competition. Sides were even nowor so she hoped.
All training was interrupted when Jericho stomped onto the field, hisuh, FEMALE body guard following close behind, her muscles covered in olive oil and her scanty leather armor even scantier than usual. She strode up towards Mr. Ass, snatched his javelin from his grasp, took a mighty run up and flung the long spear about thirty five feet. Badd Ass watched in horror as it sailed cleanly over his best shot and planted a good ten paces from one of his javelin, then turned, glared and stomped towards the glowering she-male.
"How dare you?!" Screamed Billy, giving her a quick shove in the shoulder, then rapidly wiping the thick covering of oil that had coated his palm onto X-Pac and glaring at her again. She shrugged, shot out a tree trunk arm and closed her hand around his throat; Billy gasped in horror as she flung him into X-Pac and sent them slamming into the ground. Billy rolled around in the dirt in shock.
"She hurt my beautiful ass man! She HURT MY ASS!!!"
"Told you he'd get what was coming to him" Sighed Chyna, stealing one of Billy's rather expensive looking javelins while Nicole kicked the living snot out of him and taking a good throw. As soon as the spear had left Chyna's hand, the pumped and oily Nicole released her sleeper hold on Mr. Ass and strode towards the Warrior Princess, looking pretty damn pissed off.
"YOU DARE ENTER THE JAVELIN CONTEST LITTLE WOMAN?!"
"Yup." Sighed Chyna in disinterest.
"YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!!!"
"Go grease up your pecks some more you scrubber." X-Pac's voice came from behind, as he nodded at the rather amusing comment in approval. Road Dogg burst into hysterical laughter, as did Edge, as Nicole spun on the little green D-Generate and glared viciously.
"YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BASTARD! YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH!" Nicole screeched, grabbing another of Billy's rather expensive iron javelins and bending it effortlessly into a perfect V shape. X-Pac stared at Road Dogg and Edge nervously, who had begun to slowly back away. The joke was obviously over as Nicole advanced on poor old X-Pac.
"Huh, you think you can take me on bitch?!" Laughed X-Pac pathetically, as he slowly and nervously started doing crotch chops. Nicole continued to glare and come steadily closer until Kane managed to get himself firmly wedged between the Ultimate She-Male and his little green buddy.
"GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!" Nicole hissed, clenching her fists and reaching for the nearest weapona discus. This caused Kane (And pretty much everyone else!) to take a nervous step back. You'd be mad to piss this harpy off!
"Training, my dear?" A voice sounded from behind her mighty frame as Chris Jericho minced onto the field, dressed in a rather sparkly purple robe. Nicole nodded heartily, grabbed Edge's throat in one hand, Road Dogg's in the other and brutally clunked their heads together, before resuming to threatening everyone with sporting apparatus.
"Yestraining quite hard indeedy." Sighed Chris, picking up a small and ungainly weight and lifting it as he enjoyed the spectacle. Nicole released a booming laugh.
"Ooh baby, look at that sexy muscle!" Jericho cooed to himself as the now extremely irked Nicole took a firm grip on X-Pac and lifted him highreal high, above her head. She was preparing to throw him on an upended spear, but Kane rather hastily intervened, kicking her as hard as he could in the leg. Sure, she put down poor old Pac, but it didn't knock her down. She spun on Kane and delivered such a punch it sent him flying about two feet with the force of a herd of elephants. Chris Jericho started uncontrollably giggling as X-Pac, Road Dogg and Edge scrambled frantically for a weapon to defend themselves from this beastie, as Jericho rose, still laughing and intervened.
"Please stop, all of you!" He sniggered. "I'm getting a sore jaw! Oh come on Chyna, this is the best you can do?! This band failures?!"
Chyna simply glared at this irritating little character as he continued.
"But, seeming this is a sporting outing, let us settle this minor dispute with some fair competition, shall we? Each of your pathetic little friends over there can have the honor of competing against my gracious body guardand each can have the honor of having her humble foot crammed up their ass. Winner takes all."
"Ok then." Sighed Chyna, quietly confident. This seemed to unsettle Chris for a moment, but he returned to that wide, cocky smile of his.
"Oh Chynanice try. You nearly had me going for a secondbut you're false confidence isn't going to unearth me my dear. Match one, Nicole dear against the red retardlet's call it arm wrestling shall we?"
X-Pac, Road Dogg and Edge sat around the small wooden table as Kane quietly took his seat. Nicole was busily rubbing even more oil over her bulging muscles, using about two bottles in the process, Edge watching her, transfixed in disgust. He rolled his eyes and turned to Kane, who was paying little attention to her and was picking at his fingernails.
"How the hell are you going to get a grip on her?!" He muttered. Kane shrugged as Edge moved over to Chyna. "She's cheating!"
"Look at all that oil! How the hell is Kane supposed to grab that?"
"You've got a point."
"Well, what are you going to do about it? Come on Chynawe've gotta beat her!"
"MmmmI'll fix it, don't you worry." Chyna sighed, walking towards Edge's small food stall and grabbing a large bag of finely ground flour, turning towards the glowering Nicoleand dumping the entire contents on her head. It stuck all over the inch thick coating of olive oil as she screeched and spun on the Warrior Princess, her eyes piercing out of the white.
"YOU BITCH!" She screamed, spitting flour as she spoke. Chyna shrugged and grinned at the pissed off she-male.
"THIS IS AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE!" Nicole screamed, stomping her foot on the ground.
"I'd think of it as sun block actually."
But poor old Nicole didn't have time to wash it off, asstrangely enough, no one offered to go to the lake and get water. Imagine that! And of course, Jericho was not going to soil his cloak by getting it wet, was he? Ohhhh nooo! So poor old Nicole was concreted in lovely flour and lovely oila human bread mix.
Bassius plonked herself down, and angrily shoved her elbow on the table.
"START THE MATCH!" She screamed. "BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE GOES WRONG!!!"
Kane smiled underneath his mask and gripped her snowy arm as she scowled and began to pull towards her corner. Kane fought her back using his incredible strength, but even he was having a pretty hard time fending the she-male off. She clenched her teeth viciously as Jericho danced around the table, growing tense.
"Come on Nicole! GET HIM DAMMIT!" He yelled, stomping his foot. Sweat poured down her brow as Kane gradually started to get the upper hand, Nicole's wrist moving slowly towards the table, flour flying everywhere.
"Yes!" Said X-Pac, sticking his fist in the air. "Up yours you little bitch Jericho. Nicole's absolute SHIT compared to Kane!"
Chris glared at X-Pac nastily, took a seat and just happened to find himself looking underneath the table. He was very happy with what he saw. Placing his new strategy into action he yawned, leaned back
And boot kicked Kane's bandaged, injured knee.
"I WIN!" Nicole laughed triumphantly, leaping from the table and throwing her arms up in the air to the smirking Jericho. Chyna's eyes opened wide in horror.
"What the hell?!" Chyna screeched, leaping from her seat and running at swinging a punch at Jericho. It connected with his jaw and sent him sliding under the table himself as Chyna reached underneath and grabbed his hair as he tried to crawl away. Nicole then proceeded to choke Chyna as X-Pac gallantly leaped upon her back, whilst Road Dogg threw his drink on her hastily. Kane quietly moved out of his chair as Chyna and Nicole rolled into the mud pit (yes, another mud pit!), limped towards a small gladeand screamed such an earth shattering scream that it pretty much stopped everyone in their tracks. Jericho gave Edge on last smack on the head, scrambled from the ground, spent a little time fixing his hair and resumed that irritating grin.
"Me oneyou zilch."
Chyna glared as she sat haplessly in the mud and blew a strand of hair from her eye, her jaw sticking out even further than Nicole's at this point
Nicole lifted weights as the second event, a sprint against X-Pac, was about to get underway. X-Pac nervously tied a bandana around his head, and trying to look confident decided to do some weightlifting of his own. Grabbing a heavy looking rock, he looked over at the mud encrusted, flour coated, oil splattered sweaty she-male heaving at her dumb bells, and tried to lift the rock above his head. She stopped her work out to stare at him as he raised above his head, grinned, looked a little unsteadyand fell backwards in a heap.
"YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!" Nicole laughed as X-Pac leapt from the ground and tried again, and againand again. Eventually a mud covered Chyna just took the rock off him altogether.
"What in Hades are you trying to do?" She demanded as he stood there sheepishly. "Impress her? By lifting something heavy? Holy HBK X-Pac, we already look bad enough without you practically beating yourself up!"
"I'm trying to intimidate her!"
"Good luck." Chyna muttered sarcastically. X-Pac nervously turned and looked at the staring line.
"What if she cheats like before?" He asked tentatively. Chyna gave him a straight forward look.
"She wouldn't want to try that again." She sighed, producing a rather large hunk of Jericho's lovely locks from a satchel. "It doesn't matter though, Badd Ass is going to referee."
"Badd Ass?!" X-Pac said in horror. "MR. ASS?! You must be kidding me!"
"Just get out there you little knob-goblin! RIGHT NOW."
X-Pac rushed to the starting line and took his position on the starters block next to the incredibly filthy Nicole as Billy climbed on top of a small stool and started to flex.
"Mmmm baby, aint I the stud?" He sighed. "Everyone get a good look at me before I wave the flag!"
Someone hurled a Budweiser at his head. He ducked and squinted nastily at the small group of spectators.
"One more thing like that and I'll disqualify the lot of you!" He screamed. "I am a sexy boy, and NOBODY treats a sexy boy like that. Would you do that to HBK?? Well, I'm sexier than HBK, SO THERE!"
"I'd do that to HBK." Road Dogg yelled, throwing his beer at Billy again. The whole crowd started laughing.
"Yeah, we should dedicate these sports to a Steveweiser!" Yelled out Steve Austin, who had just arrived for the drinking competition. Everyone raised their glasses and let out a cheer.
"The race has started!" Badd Ass screeched. Nicole was off like a flash.
"Huh?" Said X-Pac, caught off guard. Chyna ran onto the track, grabbed X-Pac by the hair and jocks and flung him into competition.
"Move!" Screamed Chyna as X-Pac rushed to keep up. Billy stomped up in all his authority.
"GET OFF THE TRACK!"
"GET FUCKED!" Chyna screamed, decking him and returning to her seat. Steve giggled and raised his beer once more as the crowd all jumped up to watch the nail-biting race.
Nicole strode on, her pecks jiggling as she strode towards the finish. But speedy, resilient little X-Pac ran at her with an incredible burst of speed and was soon right at her heels. Nicole looked back and tried to escape this pesky little green D-Generate, but he would not let up. Chris Jericho ran along side nervously.
"Nicole! NOW!" He screeched as X-Pac took his first passing step. Nicole nodded and out of nowhere stuck her long, tree trunk like arm out, grabbed X-Pac by the hair and sent him absolutely flying. The crowd jumped up and started screaming as X-Pac crawled back up from the dirt and resumed his running, now a good few paces behind. But yet again he put on a burst of speed and rushed at her until they were nearly rubbing shoulders. Nicole groaned at the endurance of this little bastard and gave Jericho the thumbs up. He quickly nodded, grabbed plan B', a long rope, and flung it, looping it around the unsuspecting X-Pac's leg. With a quick pull, X-Pac came crashing down to earth for a second time, but he painfully hauled himself up, threw away the hindering object and sped towards the lead. By now Nicole was completely and utterly pissed off, so she simply and blatantly grabbed X-Pac by the throat and flung him viciously into Edge's refreshment stand, then, to add insult to injury, slowed to a walk and casually stepped across the finish line.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Chyna screamed as she stomped towards the referee' Billy. "X-Pac is clearly the winner you little fucker!"
"I didn't see anything." Billy sighed smugly as Road Dogg and Kane heaved X-Pac, bloody, battered and bruised, from the tangle of twisted metal, broken wood and splattered fruit. "Nope, I clearly saw Nicole cross the finish line fairly. Keep your hands off me next time, won't you dearie?"
Chyna turned around, looking slightly defeated before spinning, screaming and hitting Badd Ass with a hell bent low blow. Into the mud pit he went. The crowd went insane as once again the sporting event turned into a brawl. Insults, punches and Edge's pomegranate pies flew in unison as Chyna once again went ballistic and went directly for Jericho's hair.
"ARRGGHHHH!" Jericho screamed as Chyna started chasing him, this time wielding her sword. Nicole leapt in her path, but was conveniently shoved. One again mud and flour mixed with fruity pies was dumped on the winning she-male as the crowd flung their beer upon the athletes'.
"You'll be sorry you nasty bitch!" Jericho shouted as she brought him down once again. The whole event was now getting completely out of hand as now the entire crowd had spilled from the stands and was happily partaking in this drunken orgy of sex, violence and discus throwing.
As night fell on the completely destroyed sporting field, after Chyna and her completely mauled buddies had limped to the inn, after the completely pissed crowd had staggered off to whence they had came, Jericho returned. He cautiously skittered through the broken stands until he stood in the centre, looking around anxiously. Eventually, the reason he had come back to the god forsaken place showed herself. The goddess Tori materialized in front of him.
"ChrisI see that everything's going rather well." She sighed, walking up to him more seductively than usual. "You've severely injured two of them, Chyna is frantic, you've practically won. Nowcoming back to the actual purpose of your mission I assigned youhow do you intend to kill the wench?"
"Wellthat's what I've come to chat with you about." He whispered.
"Why are you whispering?" Tori asked suspiciously. "You think she's here, don't you! You're afraid of her, aren't you?!"
"I have good reason to beshe's one badd ass bitch!"
"She's NOTHING compared to me!" Spat Tori angrily. "She doesn't DESERVE your fear. I DESERVE your fear! Trust me, you fail and you'll be sorry. Anyway, you have that huge female companion of yours."
"She shoved her over todayduring the brawl. It made me feel a little uneasy!"
"A shove?! A SINGLE SHOVE?!" Tori screeched. "You dick weed! A shove will be nothing compared to the ass kicking I'll give you in a minute!"
"Wellmaybe you could make Nicole tougher?" Asked Jericho hopefully. "You knowunstoppable? That kind of thing?"
"Ohhhvery well then oh pathetic one." Tori sighed, a small vial appearing out of thin air. "Take thisget her to drink it tomorrow in the final event. It will ensure Chyna's deathand revenge for me. Stupid bitch, stopped my wedding with the Taker and then killed him. Conspired to turn my love Shane into a chicken with that bastard husband of mine! Has the audacity to compete in the Games of the Gods, In honor of ME! She'll pay, I swear she'll pay!"
And with that, Tori vanished, cursing all the way. Jericho grinned happily, and seeming no one was aroundgaily skipped off back to the inn.
Day two of competition dawned, and Chris and a much cleaner looking Bassius strode onto the field, Jericho grinning, the small vial tucked in his pants. He skipped towards Chyna, who was sporting a black eye, X-Pac, his head bandaged, Kane leaning on crutches and Road Dogg and Edge, their hair fruit caked, covered in cuts and bruises.
"Any one up for some push ups?" He asked coyly, as Nicole marched past, a bottle of oil in hand and begun her strenuous work out routine. Jericho giggled and took out a smaller bottle, splattered a little on his smallish muscles and begun to do toe touches. X-Pac looked at Kane and noddedKane replied with a nod of his own, took one of his crutches, took careful aimand smacked Jericho fair in the head. He hit the ground and smashed his nose on a particularly hard rock, grasped the bloodied appendage and rolled around in agony.
"Fuck up my knee will you?" Kane muttered, limping past Jericho towards the set up archery targets, where the next event was to take place. Jericho started to sob pathetically as the audience started to pour into the badly mangled stands, Budweisers in hand as they prepared for the second and final day of Jericho vs. Chyna competition.
Edge grabbed the bow and strung it, grinning at Jericho who's nose was bandaged terribly. He glared and spat on him before taking his seat and awaiting the arrival of Bassius. He wasn't waiting long. Edge wiped of Chris' loogie in disgust as Nicole, dressed in the scantiest leather bikini to date and glistening with grease walked confidently towards him, bow in hand and stood next to him. Without a single word she picked up an arrow and prepared to fire, when Chyna halted her.
"WAIT." Chyna commanded, as Vince the Barbarian, complete in rabbit skin loin-cloth and his hairy ug boots, rushed towards her. "We can't start without the ref."
"I'm the REF!!!" Billy screamed, stomping towards Chyna and Vince. "How dare you even THINK about ATTEMPTING to replace ME?! You GO AWAY!" He poked Vince in the shoulder.
Vince rolled his eyes, took out his club and whacked Billy in the head and then up the ass, knocking him cold. He then lightly stepped over his crumpled form and took his seat, ready to watch the action.
"Let the match begin!" Vince said happily as he crossed his legs and grabbed a cup of tea, leaving his trusty club by his side. Nicole scowled maliciously and took aim, then released the arrow with her rippling arm, sending the arrow sailing cleanly towards the target. It implanted itself with a thunk', a few centimetres from the bull seye. She turned and laughed a triumphant laugh.
"That's good. That's very good." Edge sighed with a shrug, taking aim and firing, his arrow embedding itself firmly in the bull seye. A rather audible gasp was heard by Jericho, as his jaw dropped like a drawbridge.
"Whap the fup?!" Jericho cried, his voice badly muffled by the bandage as Nicole shook her head and took another shot. This time it landed half a centimetre to the top of the centre, a very good shot. Edge took his secondnear bulls eye. Jericho's whimpering became louder.
"Cum on Nipole! Gep a bull eyeth!" He growled, getting anxious. Nicole nodded at her master and took her third shot, a perfect bull eye. If Edge missed the next shot, the win would go to him. He nodded at Nicole; she winked. Edge grinned and held up his bow at the cheering crowd before notching it and taking aim
He suddenly felt a sharp shove as Nicole slammed her bulky frame into his back. He released the arrow, sending it skywards. The crowd gasped as they watched it saw up towards the heavens, but Edge wouldn't be beaten that easily. He quickly grabbed another arrow and fired it towards his original shot. They struck; the arrow changed course, and flew at the target, slamming into the centre with such force that it split Nicole's arrow, sending half of it tumbling to the earth. The crowd leapt up and cheered, throwing their beer at Jericho.
"EDGE THE WINNER!" Shouted Vince, kicking waking Billy in the head as he rose from his seat. Two bulls eyes and a near bulls eye beats two near bulls eye and a bulls eye! WOOOOO!"
"Stop saying bulls eye'" Muttered Chyna.
"Oh. Ok then." Said Vince, taking a bow to the roaring crowd.
"I gep to pick tha nexth eventp!" Jericho yelled, shoving Road Dogg nastily. "This horrib lipple bastardth againsth my Nipolewestlingth!!!"
"What?" Said X-Pac, leaning forward. "Speak clearly."
"Huh?" Said Road Dogg.
Road Dogg, perplexed, looked at X-Pac, who looked at Kane, who looked at Edge, who looked at Chynawho shrugged.
"WRESTLING!" Jericho screeched, ripping off the bandage. "OWWWW! OWWWW MY NOSE!"
"Ohhhh, WRESTLING!" Said Road Dogg, shrugging. "Fine then"
A small ring was set up, Nicole climbed through the ropes and flexed her muscles at the crowd. Boos, insults and beer flew. Road Dogg then ran into the ring, doing x chops.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children off all ages! D-Generation X proudly brings to you it's HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORRRLLDDDDDD! THE ROAD DOGG, JESSE JAMMES!"
Road Dogg paused for a moment to breathe in the applause of the audience, then continued. "And if you're not down with THAT, I got TWO WORDS FOR YAS*CK IT!!!"
The crowd went wild as Road Dogg leaped onto the turnbuckles and crotch chopped. Unfortunately he didn't really acknowledge Nicole creeping up behind him till it was too late
WHAM! Nicole grabbed his hair and brought him slamming down to the mats, then proceeded to drop vicious elbows. Road Dogg hacked in pain as she jumped on him for a third time, then put him in a figure four leg lock. Jesse struggled pitifully towards the ropes, but Nicole's grasp tightened as she pulled on his leg.
"Oh shiittttt" The Dogg moaned as he reached towards the ring apron, his fingers just brushing the rope. Finally he grabbed it and clung on for dear life, but not finding any relief.
"Drop the hold!" Vince shouted at the beaming Bassius. Vince glared at her then started a count. "One, two three"
She dropped it; Road Dogg sprawled gracelessly onto the canvas as Nicole climbed to her feet and grabbed him, lifted him high above her head and dumped him on the floor. Road Dogg tried to crawl to his feet, but was boot kicked in the ribs. Jericho smirked from ringside, as the Dogg was absolutely demolished. She went for the pin
"COME ON ROAD DOGG!!" X-Pac's voice came from the outside as Vince's hand was about to come down on the three count. Road Dogg reached down and kicked out, somewhat shocking and angering Bassius. She grabbed his hair and started choking him, then threw him in the corner and went for the body splash. But Road Dogg quickly leapt from her charging path, making her eat turnbuckle. He then tried to punch her, but his fists rebounded off and he found himself on the end of a clothesline from Hades. She went to put him in a sleeper to finish him off, but Road Dogg rolled over, and caught her in a cradle pin. Nicole struggled vainly as Vince registered the three countRoad Dogg had won!
"YOU HORRID LITTLE MAN!" Nicole screamed as she turned and laid out Vince, then turned and went for Jesse Jammes who was leaning on the turnbuckle, catching his breath. He saw thundering towards him and as quick as a flash shot outta the ring, landing on his ass and crawling towards Chyna. But Nicole jumped from the ring and attacked, winding up her arm and sending her fist flying at the Dogg. He duckedher fist went sailing through the air
Slamming into Jericho's nose.
The final event of the day finally arrived, the highly anticipated javelin affair, which pitted Bassius against Chyna. Budweisers for all as the javelins were set out, and the two women stepped forward, and took a hold of their spears. Chyna was the first to take a shot, taking a run up and flinging the lance a good ten paces. It was a pretty good shot; Nicole flung hers twenty five.
"BEAT THAT YOU PATHETIC LITTLE WHORE!" The ultimate she-male laughed as Chyna threw hers about twenty paces. Nicole continued laughing as she threw hers thirty. Chyna managed twenty fiveNicole then took a run up and threw an amazing FORTY paces. The crowd stood in shock as Vince begrudgingly went and raised Nicole's arm for the victory. But she would have none of that. Instead she wrenched her oily arm from the Barbarians grip and strode towards Jericho, who smirked smugly and reached into his pantsout came the vial. (Although I'm glad that's ALL that came outta these tight trousers!) Nicole snatched it and drunk itnothing happened.
"Wellthat was interesting." Sighed Road Dogg, grabbing his bags. "I'm going now"
"WAIT RIGHT THERE!" Nicole boomed. "GIVE ME A MINUTE!"
"Whaddaya gonna do?" Road Dogg demanded. "Dance a fucking jig?! The sight of you sickens me!"
As still nothing continued to happen, Jericho angrily stomped his foot on the ground.
"Thap bitchth!" He screeched. "She rippded me owff"
No sooner had he uttered this, than who should appear, but Tori herself! She crossed her arms, shook her head and tutted.
"You fool! I have not ripped you off, and don't bad mouth me or I'll fry you to a crisp"
She would have said more, but a nauseating groan broke from Bassius' lips, causing everyone to spin and stare. Slowly, she became even more hideous and muscular than she already was, horns sprouting from her head, giant claws sprouting from her fingernails and her skin becoming scaly like a lizard. Slowly her legs grew hairy and hoofedwhat a beastie!
"A JIG?! I'LL GIVE YOU A JIG!!" She boomed, kicking Road Dogg in the nuts with her hoof. He clutched at the defiled body part as she galloped at Chyna, her head down and her razor sharp horns pointed directly at her abs. Chyna sped out of the way as Bassius charged through, now heading for X-Pac. He gulped in horror, and frozen in terror he stood gaping at the huge pissed off mega she-male charging at him. Kane quickly darted out his arm, grabbed X-Pac by the scruff of his scrawny neck and pulled him away in the nick of time as Nicole ran through, screaming viciously.
"Go! Get the Warrior Bitch!' Tori cried, jumping up and down in evil glee. Jericho joined in, he stood there like an oversized cheerleader, giggling and hopping up and down.
"DAMN!!" Chyna screamed, totally having had enough of Jericho, Nicole and all this peaceful' Olympic shit. "THAT'S IT!!! NOBODY PISSES OF THE FUCKING WARRIOR PRINCESS!!!" She pulled out her sword and charged at the beastly Nicole creature, slashing at her. She laughed, grabbed her sword, bent it much like Billy's precious javelin and flung it away. She then grabbed Chyna and caught her in a vicious bearhug, squeezing the life out of her. Edge in a panic, flung a discuss at the Mega-Bassius, smacking her in the head. She released Chyna and instead took a firm grasp on him, shaking him and then throwing him to the groundlifting up a spear
"NO!" Screamed Chyna, backflipping towards the complete and utter bitch, but it was to late. With glee she impaled the Brood Dude, pulling out the bloodied lance and taking careful aim at Road Dogg, having a bit of a struggle with the nasty Jericho. It whizzed towards him, but X-Pac leapt and shoved him, clipping his shoulder in the process. He crashed to the ground with Road Dogg quite messily, while Chyna screamed in anger and sent her chakram whizzing at Nicole
She caught it.
"Oh fucking hell!" Chyna screamed. "You can't do that! NO ONE DOES THAT!"
"SHUT UP LITTLE WOMAN!" Mega-Bassius growled, smacking Kane maliciously in the face with Chyna's weapon as he came up from behind. "YOU PITIFUL MORTALS! YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ON ME?!"
"You're a mortal too, feeble one!" A voice came from behind them allHBK appeared! "A particularly jacked up mortalbut a mortal nonetheless!"
"Husband!" Tori cried in shock. "I thought you were"
"Checking on the Trojan War? Eh, someone won it with a whole lot of wicker deck chairs tied together in a horsie shape. So NATURALLY I decided to see the games being held in my honorand what do I find? YOU." Shawn pushed his hair back. "And thisthing, and this ugly dude."
"I'm nop uglee!" Shouted Jericho indignantly.
Shawn shrugged, and then started summoning up his greatest powers to fry this bitch. But Tori, not to be bested, screeched and flung a bolt which sent Shawn flying.
"NO! NOT THIS TIME!" Tori screamed, karate kicking X-Pac in the stomach. "No husband. You took my SHANE FROM ME ASSHOLE!"
"Shane?!" Spat HBK in horror. "You find SHANE more attractive than ME?!"
"He's got such a nice dimple in his chin"
"Go fuck Vince then bitch!" Shawn cried, aiming at Bassius. Tori glared and leaped onto his back, bringing him to the ground with a hefty thud. Nicole sniggered, grabbed Road Dogg and went to slash his throat with the chakram, but X-Pac and Kane ran at her from behind and double clotheslined her in the back. She sighed, and with a quick flingstabbed X-Pac with the razor sharp disk.
"Youyou killed him?!" Said Kane in horror, as X-Pac's lifeless body sunk to the ground. Nicole shrugged.
That was it. Kane and Road Dogg went her from both sides, hitting her with everything they had left, but she laughed, shook off their blows, and with two great elbow smashes, floored them both. With a sigh, she let fly with a big boot to Road Dogg's skull, tying a rope around his neck and giving him a good drag. Kane jumped up, limped at herand whacked her across the head with Vince's fallen club so hard it brokeand down she went!
Chyna jumped at this small, fleeting window of opportunity, and dive rolled towards the chakram inplanted in poor old X-Pac's chest. But before she could even grab it, Mega-Bassius had kicked her away and snatched it away for herself, took aim and flung it like a pro. But of course, she ISN'T a pro, and Chyna just happens to beshe grabbed a bottle of Nicole's oil, reflected the weapon off itand sent it slicing into Nicole's big fat head. With a rather unpleasant KER-CHONK'- noise, Nicole was defeated forever.
"Dammit!" Screamed Tori, running at the Warrior Princess and starting to hit her with kicks and chops. Chyna screamed and flung her into the mud, where she started to sink. She waded out of the sun baked pig hole, her hair and robe completely mud encrusted, screamed again and threw a fireball at Chyna, sending her slamming into the ground, slightly charred. But HBK would have none of that. With a sigh he grabbed his screechy wife around the stomach, grasped her tight and vanished in a puff of smoke back to Mt. Sexy Boy.
"Oh greap" Said Jericho nervously, realizing that he'd been somewhat left behind, all alone. He turned and looked at Edge's dead form, then at X-Pac lying bloody and deadthen at Kane and Road Dogg glaring at him, Chyna pulling her trusty chakram out of his insurance policy Nicole's head.
"You goiys aren'th gunna doo anythink thap you'll regrep layder are yuu?" He asked, tensely backing away. As he noticed that Chyna was readying her chakram, he turned and started to flee. Before Chyna could even take aim, he had leapt into Billy's golden chariot and was off like a flash, back towards Athens in fear for his life, even forgetting his precious money that he had won. Vince approached Chyna with a laurel wreath and placed it on her head.
"Due to a" He turned and looked at Nicole's body. "TECHNICALITY, I am awarding the victory to Chyna. Nowwho want's to watch the drinking competition?"
The crowd cheered and headed off to the tavern with three time champion Steve Austin leading the way, leaving Chyna, Kane and Road Dogg standing on the field.
"Fuck Torifuck her to Hades." Road Dogg muttered, dragging X-Pac's smallish coffin behind him as he and his two friends headed for home. "And you knowfuck HBK too, because he hasn't raised one finger to repay us for saving his ass from the Taker. I mean, come onwe busted our asses for that bastard."
"That's gods for you." Sighed Chyna as she stopped to adjust Edge's casket. Kane limped slowly from behind, his head down, back towards the D-Generate kingdom.
"And if I may be philosophical for a second" Road Dogg continued, moving his arm in a regal, sort of meaningful way. "What were the EXACT words that opened these games? Let us partake in fair competition between our great kingdoms to celebrate the peace and love our great gods have bestowed upon us?'"
"Yeah, something like that."
"Not, let us get completely pissed, have a brawl and then brutally murder the members of the losing side'?"
"I don't think so."
"You think they'll have the games next year?"
"Most probably." Sighed Chyna, heaving the coffin through some rocks. "I think that HBK will have to reconsider the sides he lets compete"
"At least you killed Nicole." Said Kane quietly, as slowly started to catch up. "Although it doesn't really matter. I mean, what the fuck is the point of avenging someone's death? It doesn't retifiy one thing. I spent my whole fucking life trying to kill my brother, and where did it get me?"
"Wellyou got a thank you off Vince the Barbarian, didn't you?" Said Road Dogg, shrugging. Kane turned and looked at Road Dogg almost painfully.
"Ooh, that makes it all better."
Before they could continue the conversation any further, their great lord' HBK appeared, grinning with that lovely smile of his.
"It's me, I know you must be awe struck" He sighed, leaning on X-Pac's smallish coffin thoughtfully. Road Dogg gave him a rough shove.
"Get off! You not only let him DIE, you disrespect him in death!?" Shouted Road Dogg, crossing his arms angrily. "I'm changing fucking religion! That's it, I'm changing to Daelism or the worship of Dahak or a Hestian Priest or something! I've fucking had it with all this HBK' worshipping shit!"
"Ooh." Said Shawn. "Noyou don't want to do that. They're all LOSER religions!"
"They're better than you and that ring rat wife of yours!" Yelled Road Dogg, now getting really pissed off. "I mean, I fucking made sacrifices to you every Thursday, and where did it get me? FLOOD?! PESTILENCE? DEATH AND DESTRUCTION?! FUCK YOU!!!!"
"Now now, just calm down" Said Shawn, putting his hands of defensively. "I also gave you the greatest honor to mankind!"
"And what's that?" Muttered the Dogg.
"Why, saving my incredibly IMPORTANT life!" Cried Shawn. "Let's face it, I am the most important being in the Cosmos!"
"ARRGGHHHHH!! SHUT UP DAMMIT!" Jesse Jammes screeched, unable to take Shawn's mouth anymore. "DIE!! DIEEEE!!"
And with that, he punched HBK fair in the teeth. He staggered backwards, and fell flat on his ass in shock as Road Dogg stomped towards him. Kane and Chyna dove into action, grabbing the incredibly irked Road Dogg and holding him back.
"Lemme go!" Road Dogg screamed as Shawn bounded from the earth, looking quite timid.
"Heyfair go, Ok?" He muttered, as Jesse took a mad swipe at his sexy jaw. He jumped back. "II'll bring em back to life! Ok, you heard me! I know it's against the rules, but as long as you don't kick my ass"
This somewhat mellowed the Road Dogg, as he broke free of Chyna's grasp and stepped lightly towards the king of the gods.
"Andwhy?" He asked quietly. "Was it the I'll change religion', or the punch?"
"I'm not at liberty to answer that one." Sighed Shawn, raising his mighty little finger. "And nobody EVER finds out about this!"
"Bringing back the dead?" Said Chyna.
"No, caving to a mortal with a bad hair style." He sighed, as the deed was done. Edge and X-Pac sat up in their coffins.
"Oh my gods!!" Edge screamed. "I'M DEAD! ARRRRRRGGHHHHHH! I'VE BEEN BURIED ALIVE!"
HBK shook his head and sighed in disapproval, then vanished back to Mt. Sexy Boy to run the world. Edge hopped out of the casket and looked around nervously.
"Whawhat happened?" He said, wandering about aimlessly. "Whoahdeath is pretty funky."
"I don't think we're dead" Said X-Pac, clambering out of the coffin. Kane, whom for the first time ever looked really happy, ran up and gave X-Pac a great big hug. X-Pac struggled in vain but to no avail.
"KaneKANE!" He gasped, his bony little arms flailing. Kane continued with his vice like grip of the little green D-Generate, not really listening.
"AIR! AIR!" X-Pac wheezed, his arms moving around franticly. Kane dropped him; he landed flat on his ass.
"Oh" Said Kane sheepishly, grabbing X-Pac by the scruff of the neck and heaving him up to his feet. X-Pac patted his friend on the back timidly, hoping he wouldn't hug him again.
"Well, I'm off." Sighed Chyna, grabbing the funky Edge by the arm and dragging him off behind her. She then peered off into the heavens. "AND HBK, YOU OWE ME A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS!"
"DON'T PUSH IT!" His voice boomed back. "I'M THE KING OF THE GOODS, NOT A FUCKING MARKET PLACE!"
Chyna shrugged, and taking poor old Edge with her, left the D-Generates and headed towards a new adventure
Which will have hopefully nothing to do with discuss throwing, and hopefully something to do with prick-boy Jerichoonly time shall tell. And that is the REAL story of how the very first Olympics came to benot the pussy version about fair sportsmanship, honoring the gods and all that crap, the version about Budweisers, drunken brawls, brutal murders and too much olive oil. It could only happen in Chyna: WP!