Well I'm back, with more Twilight one-shots. Mostly thanks to Uxiegirl and my friend Katie. Sorry if I offend anyone, I'm not mocking God(s) or anyones religion. Just trying to show what it is like in Edward's head before he meets Bella. I've decided to make this part of the I Know and I'll Defend series. They're just little one shots of situations between members of the Cullen Clan. Some before, after and during the books. There is some OOC, but just a tad for here I can play Puppet Master.
Isn't that what everyone wants? To be loved, held, and have sweet nothings whispered in their ear. Was my only wish, that hard to be filled? There was more to add for my lack of religion, other than the fact that I'm nothing more than a monster. I wasn't loved, at least that is what it felt like. Wasn't God supposed to be loving? Then why condemn me to this Hell? There was no cure for my 'insanity'. Since, in truth, I was driving myself mad with all of the questions buzzing through my skull. The closer I felt to the truth, the more it felt like a stake was being driven through my blackened non beating heart. I couldn't help but chuckle at the horrid pun. At times I was glad that I was the mind reader of the family, so no one would have to suffer along side me.
Not that they would even realize it of course, I could act that was no lie. I had learned the art of bending the truth, spinning a yarn. It was actually quite easy, not even my emotions could be found true. Yet, at times it did in fact torture me. Was I hiding behind a mask or was I being the truth me. Was God pulling the strings, transforming me into his puppet. Or was I the author in charge of writing my own destiny? Carlisle and I have had a similar conversation before. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. When, in fact, it was shortly after my return from my more rebellious years.
We need to talk sonI raised my eyebrow at his thought. He still considered me his son? Even after what I had done? Even after the number of lives I had claimed? I almost laughed, Carlisle was almost to forgiving. As was Esme, although she didn't say or think anything, I could tell that the new color of my eyes disturbed her. To be honest I disliked them also, I truly looked like some demon's child. "Edward." I turned my attention back to Carlisle.
"I returned." I stated. Looking forward to my father's reaction. He gave a half smile.
"I knew you would, I just want to know why. What made you change your mind? We both know you're not the most religous person in the world.", Before I could reply he continued, "But you're also not the least religious person either." I laughed it was a strange sound, at least to me. I hadn't laughed for quite a while. He may have not been a mind reader, but he knew what I was thinking.
"I gave up playing God. It didn't make sense to me anymore." Carlisle wasn't convinced of my answer.
"Did it ever make sense to you?"
"At first, if God was going to condemn me to this fate, why not take the chance to change my fate?"
"Now, why do you believe that it is infact God who decided what path you would take."
"God made me into what I am, why shouldn't He be the one pulling the strings?" Let's face it Edward I'm not God, nor was the man who changed me, God. I smiled at his thought he did have a point there.
"But what of Death? Does God choose who lives and who dies. I see it everyday Edward, I might save a patients life one day, only to have them die the next. It wasn't my will to have them die, was it God's will to have them die and I interfered. Or did I interfere with Death, which is enviable."
"Now who's playing God? Besides in some cultures Death is a God. Humans want immortality, Death prevents them from gaining it. So if Death is a or is God then God infact controls everything. Even what path in life we take."
"Then why would God want someone to die sooner than others? Also remember Edward, you were human once now you are immortal. You have gained what most humans want. You -" I cut Carlisle off before he could continue.
"Souls, that's the answer. There will always be humans, there will always be souls. Why not punish those by claiming their soul before their time, or just simply condemn them to a Hell on Earth. You remember Carlisle, we can still be destroyed. A match is all it takes."
"So that's it, we're back right where we started, Vampires don't have souls. Believe it or not I had the same beliefs as you once, but that will change all in good time." Esme and I are going hunting tonight. Would you like to join us, your eyes will change back sooner."
"I'll think about it." Carlisle didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed almost smug. Think about what I said too. I'm right you know. One day you will change and for the better.
That was the end of the discussion. He never said a single word about it after. Over the years I have given much thought into my existence, yet still I'm unconvinced. i have come to the same conclusion every time; I wasn't sick of playing God. I was only to suffering in silence, tormented by my thoughts.
Edward does in fact seem a little psycho in this one but I think it suits him well. I mean being a mind reader? Trying to listen to you own thoughts while hearing the thoughts of others? -shivers-
On another note: It's a little late, but this story is for Daddy'sLittleCannibal. I didn't know her personally but she was an amazing writer I love some of her stories. Rest in Peace.
Oh, and if the topic seems strange to have this note I apologise, the story has been in progress for months now along with a few more. This was first story I managed to finish so I when went the first one. I hope I did not offend anyone, that was not my intention.