Because HGTHS is a current project that is estimated to last about four years, I have started another of my "infamous" humor-filled fictions.

Please, enjoy. Suggestions are appreciated! And...I kind of need them because I only have about four chapters planned out.

Reviews are nice!

Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage

Lesson 1

"Being subtle IS a good thing."

When you're in love with someone, you're prepared to do freaking anything to win their attention. Like, oh. I don't know. Go out and drive a car with twenty other police cars in pursuit shooting at you. Yes. You'd be willing to do even that.

And if you're in love with an arrogant, stubborn, emotional blond that scarfs down bars of chocolate like his life depends on it, then...hey. You and me, we've got a lot in common. We should hang out sometime.

And you should bring an extra xBox controller. Mello threw my other one out the window.

Okay. Lesson one. To get that special person to look your way, you need to be subtle. And, contrary to popular belief, being subtle IS a good thing.

Now, by being subtle, I mean that you cannot do things like this:

You cannot walk in the house after a long day of throwing smoke grenades at people's houses, dropping your bags on the floor, hanging up your coat, and screaming, "Hey! LET'S HAVE SEX! GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!"

Yeah. Unless your entire goal is trying to get the other person to hate you and thus like you through reverse psychology, you'd be better off avoiding this.

Furthermore, if you want to play hard-to-get or whatever so the other person is more attracted to you, you would also be better off doing that in a very subtle way.

You should NOT, however, do something like this:

When your love walks in the room, sits down beside you, and you are playing Resident Evil 4, you should NOT ignore them.

Instead, you should say something like, "Oh, hey, Mello. How's it going?"

If he/she responds, you know you're doing a good job.

If he/she does not respond, it would be best for you to stop your game where it is, turn to them, look them in the eyes, and ask them what is wrong in a very sincere tone.

If this does not work and they do not respond to THAT, you should promptly retrieve a bar of chocolate for them, a tissue box, and a paper bag so that they can cry and rant and hyperventilate about how they were beaten by Near (your local evil genius) yet again. Pat them on the back and let them cry on you if need be.

If this happens frequently, then my gosh. We should totally meet up. You know. The whole suffering comforter thing and such.


Extreme badly examples of this lesson can be shown even in real life!

Let's take Light and Misa, for instance.

We can all agree that Misa is a total airhead who can't remember her own name, let alone what L's real name is.

And we can all agree that Light is totally gay for L. You know, the whole handcuffs thing and the whole "Yagami spelled backwards is 'I'm a gay.'" thing.


So, Misa flinging herself onto Light and screaming, "Let me be your girlfriend!" was not the most subtle of moves.

Plus, Light's not straight anyway.

So it wouldn't have really mattered. But you get my point.


Yet another bad example of a not-very-subtle-at-all relationship was the one existing between Mikami and Light.

Okay. First of all, Mikami is seriously fucked up in the head. Who plans their day out to the second, anyway?

Second, Light is gay with L. Not Mikami, not Matsuda, not anybody but L!

Alrighty then.

So, the whole "Oh my God, it's God!" thing from Mikami was basically a not subtle at all scream of: "Kira, have sex with me! I am your most devoted follower!"

Something like that.

Or, this is more like what Mikami would say: "Kira, as I have become a devoted follower of your religion, I sincerely express the hope that you could find time in your busy schedule to copulate with me."


Anyway, you get the point. Light and Mikami is a big NO NO.


Let's take L and Light.

L acts really subtly towards furthering his relationship with Light, using methods such as the handcuffs ("I have to watch you at all times to make sure you're NOT Kira!").

Ohhh. That was subtle, L. Good one.

Because, by using this method and his great detective cover-up, L got to become closer and much more intimate with Light than he would ever have been had he not suggested this.

And that was what he really wanted all along.

The whole Kira thing was just a ruse to get Light to comply.

And guess what? It worked.


Perhaps the only perfect example of this lesson is me and Mello.

Basically, Mello's whole "I want you to help me kidnap Takada, so you can drive the car" thing was really "Motorcycles are very dangerous, and I want you to drive in comfort" in disguise.

Mello is soooooo subtle.

Every second he thinks of me!

And I am subtle because whenever Mello walks into the room and sits down beside me and reaches for a controller, I switch the game to The Sims. He loves that game.

We ish the perfect example of being subtle!

Anyway, kids. If you want to attract the eyes of someone special, then the number one rule is to BE SUBTLE.

Otherwise, you'll never get anywhere.

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