Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage

Chapter 51

"The Failed Divorce...Not Really A Lesson."

(A/N: more suggestions please and thank you)

So you're getting pretty tired of all the petty arguments, the unwashed dishes, the toothpaste clogging up your bathroom sink? Tired of seeing your kids taking baths in the washing machine, tired of your severely overweight daughter eating you out of house and home? Then this is the chapter for you.

Naturally, like the dedicated writer I am, I have taken the time to research the lives of two very unfortunate people in the Death Note cast by the names of Light and L who were once so miserable that they attempted to end it all. And failed epically. If that's even a word.

You should be grateful I took the time to research this. If I hadn't, you'd all be floundering nymphs in the sea of life, and I could have been owning n00bs on CoD. Because there are n00bs to be owned.

So if you really can't take the stress of family life anymore, and you just figuratively want to end it all without a handy dandy suicide note, then the next logical step is to get a divorce! Of course, if your partner doesn't want to get a divorce, there are many, many ways to drag it out.

For instance: leaving the country and becoming a temporary nomad so that the divorce attorneys can't catch up with you. Changing your name and getting plastic surgery so that they no longer know what you look like.

I once knew a woman by the name of Takada who successfully evaded divorce for four years. Of course, in her next marriage to Light Yagami, the poor unfortunate girl never had a chance. Promptly after the ceremony was conducted, her name was written directly into the Death Note in permanent ink, and, well, that was the end of that. Because Light needed to collect life insurance and all that.

Now, if you're the person in question who wants the divorce, you have to be prepared for these kinds of things, because it's not like you can just instantly kill your partner. You have to make sure you have a good lawyer, quite a lot of cash, and a fair amount of time on your hands, because let me tell you, attorneys are not cheap. They think they're God, and so charge exorbitant prices. [Do you know a lawyer like this? I do. His initials are M.T.]

You also have to consider how this decision will affect your children or your household or anything like that. Your children could go into severe states of shock and/or emotional trauma. Your dishwasher could suffer from the loss of being loaded every night, because your partner normally did those kinds of things. And heaven forbid you fight over the family pet, because honestly, you don't want any internal decapitations because you tried to keep it at your house, but your partner wanted it, etc. etc. Does this even make any sense? Point is, you should consider the effects of your decision before you make it, or you might be severely surprised.

You should try to talk it over with your partner before you make this attempt to get divorced or not get divorced or whatnot. Because, I mean, it's definitely not worth it to get divorced over a simple game of CoD that got a little bit out of control, you know what I'm saying? Kill steals and all that are not a legitimate reason to get divorced.

I think in America you actually have to have some kind of reason, like adultery or abandonment or something. I don't know. If it can be judged against, there's a law in America for it. I'm not even kidding.

At any rate, getting a divorce is a very life-changing and important decision that could ruin or glorify your life, so I urge you to think about it carefully before you actually do it. And make sure you're in a good financial position, because otherwise your lawyer will end you. Literally and figuratively.


So, as this chapter started out, L and Light wanted to get a divorce. They squabbled all the time about who would give M her bath (because, I mean, really, you can't be paid enough to wash under fat rolls, heaven knows what kind of fungi are growing there), and so in the end, they ended up dumping her into the washing machine and putting it onto the spin cycle with several cupfuls of laundry detergent. The washer broke, L started crying, and Light couldn't handle it anymore.

And so they attempted to get a divorce.

Except they didn't have enough money, what with trying to feed all their children and whatnot. never happened, and they made up.

So I guess it's kind of a good example? But a bad example of trying to get a divorce and failing.


Mikami is definitely the man to go to if you want to get a divorce.

Of course, divorce being the legal term.

If you need a divorce, just give the name of your partner to Mikami, and he'll write it into his handy dandy black notebook. And get this. He doesn't CHARGE anything. It's FREE.

Now I think the police are onto something with Mikami's recent string of divorce cases...


If Takada had still been alive, I'm sure Light would have gone through all the necessary procedures to ensure that she got a proper divorce, Takada being a proper lady and all...

Or are you really proper after you've been taken for a ride in the back of a van tied up?

Who knows.

It's something to ponder.


Halle and Giovanni had a nice quiet little divorce in the tiny courthouse off Fifth.

It was very nice and civil.

But get this.

Two weeks later, they got married again.

My God, you'd think they were made of money...

At any rate, hope to see you soon!