Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga.

Okay, I thought I'd have another little story to write while I'm doing Stolen Child. Enjoy!

Yeah, this is Leah Clearwater, willingly being flung off the freakin' deep end of the dating pool. Perverted blind dates, stalking werewolf ex-boyfriends and men with more back hair than mountain goats. Oh, and apparently my kiss can turn guys gay now.

Great.

I need a warning label: date at own risk, seriously.


Male Species: Beware!

Chapter One: The Pizza Boy

...

Oh for the love of—okay, fine. So what if it's pretty much common knowledge that I haven't dated in a while? Keep your damn nose out of it. So what if it's one of the La Push guaranteed features? It rains, rains some more, Leah Clearwater doesn't date, and hey, surprise, more damn rain! Yeah, being able to morph into a giant dog shockingly doesn't have much appeal to the opposite sex. What's not to love? Sharp canines, a fluffy tail… and there's something about me spending all my time with six foot shirtless hotties that bothers potential boyfriends.

Pfft. Not that I have many of those frolicking freely about the place. And I'm sure me capably sprouting fur that not even a lethal dose of wax can fix has absolutely nothing to do with the shortage of men in my life.

Ha. Right. That's totally the reason I'm alone. I don't wax.

Anyway last week I woke up, hit my head, cussed at my lamp for ten minutes, and then had an epiphany. I tried to explain it to Seth, you know, one of those moments of insanity, usually resulting in meaningful insight that may somehow turn my shitty life around? Well, I came to a decision: Sam Uley sucks, and it's time for me to move on.

Seth kind of blinked at me for a couple minutes then asked if I needed to go to the doctor because I must have hit my head a bit too hard. I knew that meant he wanted me to go see Dr. McSparkles, so I told him to go make out with the vampire mind-rapist and made myself pancakes, cause there's no chance in hell that would ever happen. Just like there was no chance in hell of him getting any of my pancakes.

The pack was over tonight, playing video games. I snuck upstairs to take a shower.

The hot water untangled my back muscles and the small room filled up with steam. It felt nice, I'd been on patrol all day and needed a miracle to get all the knotted leaves out of my hair, but the steady flow of the water kept me completely relaxed. Exhaling a content sigh, I snatched the towel dangling from a hook beside the sink, wrapping it around me. Stepping out of the shower proved difficult. Since my werewolf growth spurt I had to duck under the railing.

I opened the bathroom door and the steam pooled out at my feet. With the towel still draped around my body I walked downstairs, hearing the loud artificial roar of racing cars. Embry and Quil had their faces glued inches from the screen, fingers pressing wildly at the controllers, expressions locked in dead concentration, or constipation, I couldn't tell the difference. Seth was cheering them from an armchair that had been dragged across the room to a more convenient viewing location. It was Jacob I noticed most. He was sprawled lazily along the sofa, and his features stretched into a wide grin when I caught his eye.

"Wow. Time for your five o'clock strip already, Leah?" he teased.

"Sure, why not? Point me to the pole," I replied snidely.

Seth pulled a face. Quil and Embry briefly broke away from their game-trance to look at me. "Aw hell," Quil cursed as his car screeched, swerved and crashed into a building. "Jeez, Lee. Would you put some damn clothes on, please? If I lose one more game I have to give Jacob twenty bucks."

"Dude," Embry muttered to him. "You can so tell you've imprinted."

"This is my goddamn house, and I can walk around completely starkers wearing nothing but a sombrero if I damn well wanted to," I snapped at them. "So shut up."

"Well, someone took an extra dose of bitch-osterone this morning," Embry laughed.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen here, idiots," I waved my hand, gesturing towards the front entrance. I watched as all their eyes follow to where I was pointing. "Hopefully you all know what that is. It's called a door, and it's the thing normal people use when they want to enter or exit somewhere, instead of windows or doggy flaps."

Jacob nodded in mock-understanding. "Giant doggy flap, got it. And?"

"In one hour, someone will knock on it. And you will not under any circumstances open it, am I clear?"

Seth looked confused. "Why?"

"Because I said so, that's why."

Embry perked up. "Oh awesome. Did you order pizza?"

I could feel my pride begin shrivel and die as each of them stared hopefully at the assumption. How depressing was it that they thought that the pizza boy would come knocking for me on a Friday night? Was it really so likely that I wouldn't have a date that four dirty-minded guys wouldn't automatically jump to conclusions or something? Was I really that much of a bitter shrew that I didn't even deserve some kind of slight sexual innuendo?

"No," I seethed. "I have a date."

Any icy silence filled the room. I regretted my words almost immediately.

There was a moment of sheer dread as I awaited their response.

Jacob was first to break it, he let out a bark of laughter.

"Ha! Good one, Leah."

I glared at him. "You think that's funny, asshole? I do have a date!"

This is why I didn't want to involve the pack with my love life, or lack thereof. If I did, I would never hear the end of it. Jacob would give me hell, Quil would giggle like a little fairy princess, Embry would make snide comments and Seth would most likely fake some sort of terminal illnesses to get me to stay home and, in his eyes, far away from men that may think of me as an actual woman, girly bits and all.

My genius is, of course, confirmed.

"Sure, sure, you have a date… and I'm the Queen of Bullshit."

"Hehe, Leah has a boyfriend!"

"So you're going on a date dressed like that, eh?" Embry snickered.

"I think I feel an aneurism coming on…"

I growled at them. "Fuck guys, just don't open the door or you'll die painfully. Simple as that."

Now that the death-threat was in place, I stormed upstairs. I had fifty-five minutes to get ready, and I needed to find prospective clothes—preferably, nice ones, the kind lacking holes and woodland debris. I'd become so accustomed to tank tops and shorts, and it's been years since I've shown any signs of femineity, I might as well go with the big guns: a dress. The guys really were going to fall over themselves when they see me in one of those.

I flicked through the outfits shoved into every spare piece of space in my wardrobe, throwing the rejects onto the floor. All my garments pre-werewolf were tucked away in boxes at the very bottom of the closet, including my somewhat-pretty lingerie, given that most of them held crappy memories of me and Sam. I would have burnt them if they weren't so damn expensive, so I settled for keeping them locked away. A reminder of a time where I could have put on any bra I wanted without a bunch of overgrown lapdogs sniggering at me.

A strapless black-and-emerald outfit was easily identifiable. It had been Sam's favourite, so it was only fitting that I wore it out this evening in a sort of subtle spite. I unzipped the side and slipped into it, holding my breath. It was a lot tighter, and a hell of a lot shorter, then I remembered. I guess I have to thank the stupid werewolf genes for that, too.

Nevertheless, it looked fantastic.

Every piece of fabric clung to my curves, leaving very little to the imagination. It was taut around my chest, slithering down to the arch of my waist and back, finally ending a bit higher than mid-thigh, showing off my muscular legs. If my mother still lived with us, she'd kill me before I was ever caught even dreaming of wearing something like this in public. Then resurrect me so she could ship me off to a nunnery.

Like hell if I care what they think. I deserve to feel sexy once in a blue moon, right?

Smug at the thought, I sliced a comb through my hair. Since joining Jake's pack, I'd started to grow it again. It was a protest to prove to my pack brothers that I was, indeed, of the female species and I was capable of acting as such, even if it only meant having breasts and longer hair than them. It now hung below my shoulders, enough to twist on top of my head, with a few shorter strands dangling down elegantly onto my neck.

To be honest I was one to wear mud rather than make-up, but for the occasion I glossed my lips and applied some eyeliner. Strapping on some high-heels, I took my black coat from the hanger and threw it across my arm, grasping my clutch purse from my bedside table; it was next to my lamp that was now held together by a shit load of duct tape after the, ahem, epiphany incident. The box gets thrown back to the depth from whence it came, and I spritzed myself with some perfume. I was presentable and ready in less time than I would have guessed.

Pacing myself back down the stairs, I couldn't hear any video games.

The guys must have stopped playing already since they all have the attention span of a grapefruit.

I've got a good ten minutes before my date arrives, and I can hear voices drifting up from the lounge room. I hesitate at the bottom of the stairs, absorbing the scene before me. The pack had their shirts off—no shocker there—and were flaunting their well-developed muscles, each one of them carefully positioned to intimidate the man sitting very uncomfortably in an armchair, his eyes wide with a wilted bouquet of daisies in his lap.

Oh fuck.

That poor, unfortunate bastard.

"Oi," I drew attention to myself. "I thought I told you morons to not answer the door?"

Embry's jaw dropped, Quil's expression was set to stunned and Seth looked as if he might throw-up. But Jacob wasn't looking at me; he was still glaring at the man in the armchair, scrutinizing his every move. Michael, my ill-fated date, was beyond relieved to see me that I could have been wearing a stuffed pink turkey on my head and he wouldn't have noticed.

Quil was first to recover, what with being imprinted and all.

"Err, Leah? Urgh, duh, of course your Leah… right?" he stuttered out, his cheeks flushed and he was staring at a spot on the ceiling as if it were a pretty interesting spot. "Well, you see, you told us not to open the door. And we didn't, cause you said nothing about not allowing the guy to let himself in. We had a vote, and this was totally within the rules…" While he was speaking, Seth had leapt from his chair and took a protective stance in front of me, as if to cover any indecent exposure from his friends that were too busy ogling his older sister to have any shame.

"Leah," Seth said, horrified. "What's that?"

I smiled sweetly at him. "It's a dress, brother dearest."

"Where's the rest of it?"

"I have no idea what you mean." I stated indifferently, stepping out from behind him.

I smiled at Michael in attempt to make him a bit more comfortable. I think it kind of turned out as me flashing my teeth at him. His lips twitched in response, Jacob's glare kept him pinned in place, his eyes kept flickering nervously back to the giant Quileute, I walked over to them. Shit, I really didn't want to do this in front of the whole freaking pack…

"I'm so sorry, Michael. Ignore them, their just dickheads. Are those for me?" I gestured to the flowers. Wordlessly, he nodded and shoved the daisies out in front of him with a stiff arm. I took them tentatively. "Uh, yeah. Wow. Thanks. I'll go put them in some water…" I felt bad for leaving him alone in that room as I dumped the bouquet in the kitchen on the counter.

Upon my return, the boys went quiet and started shuffling around. I glowered at them.

"Um, are you ready to go?" I asked Michael.

He jumped from the armchair. "Yes," he said eagerly. I guess the dude has half a brain after all.

I pursed my lips into a another attempt at a smile. "Meet you outside, okay? I'll be one second."

Michael nodded again and practically skipped out the door to his freedom. As soon as he was out of sight, I snapped around to glare at the guys, who were trying very hard not to draw any individual attention to themselves. I folded my arms and chewed on the inside of my cheeks to keep from losing my temper and ruining my careful grooming by phasing into a wolf. Huffing, I shifted my footing.

"You bitches better start apologising, these heels look like they'll match your asses when I kick them up there."

Seth immediately caved.

"We're sorry," he gushed. "We just wanted to make sure he wasn't… you know…"

"A jackass?" Embry offered.

"Yeah," Seth agreed eagerly.

"I can look out for myself," I scowled, flicking my hair. "Look, I got to go…"

"Good luck, Lee," Quil said sincerely. "We're cheering for you."

I was never one that comfortable feel into openly displayed affection, so I tapped his shoulder to show my appreciation and headed for the door. Jacob was leaning against the frame, his emotions so mixed the only thing I could decipher was his soft smile. His gaze drifted up and down, I felt like saying something smart-ass, but the words got stuck halfway up my throat. The way he looked at me made my skin feel warm.

"Leah…" he said my name with a heavy weight attached to unsaid words, but in the end Jacob shook his head slightly, smirked and settled for lightly commenting. "Did you shave your legs?"

Seth had his puke-face on again. Grinning, I winked. "You never know, I might get lucky."

Embry chuckled. "You've been in our heads for too long, Lee."

I rolled my eyes and strolled out into the front yard. Michael was waiting in his car and I slid into the passenger seat beside him. "Sorry about them," I wasn't actually sorry. It just seemed like the polite thing to say. Everyone I know gets a certain amount of apologises that I'll willingly grant to them in a lifetime. After that, it'd be easier to pry teeth from me.

"It's, uh, fine," he said, lips twitching again.

Michael was a real nervous little thing. The pack must have done a good job scaring the shit out of him before I showed my face. He was from the Makah rez up north. We'd stumbled across each other when I was there with my mother and Emily visiting her parents to organise wedding crap, to my irritation. He was about my height, but still a head shorter than Jacob or Embry. He had freckles sprinkled across his face, ironically like pizza topping, and he was paler than most Native Americans, with brownish curls.

"You look nice, Leah," he complimented awkwardly.

"Ah, yeah. Thanks."

We drove to Port Angeles in silence once I'd given up at attempting small talk.

I guess Michael was sort of polite; he opened the door for me once we got to the tavern. It was one of the few places around here that served food and alcohol. After that car ride, I felt in desperate need of both. We sat down at a table nearest the bar and I started flipping through the menu. Michael wouldn't stop fidgeting. He began tearing his napkin into little pieces on his lap, brushing them onto the floor. The waitress was started to look extremely irritated at the mess she'd have to clean up. I tried to hide my 'this dude's an idiot' expression behind the cardboard sheets of the main meals.

A bleached-blonde waiter appeared a few second later, a notebook and pen in hand.

"Hello," he greeted cheerfully. "Can I get you two a drink?"

"Uh, alright," I began, peeking briefly back to the list. "Can I have the—"

Michael, who moved on to fiddling with his fork, dropped it loudly onto his plate. Startled, I glanced oddly at him as he broke into a sweat and I heard his heart thumping in his chest—credited to advanced werewolf senses. He swallowed and stared at me desperately.

"I—I'm sorry," he blurted. "I… I just can't do this."

And with that, he stood up and left.

He left.

We'd barely been out twenty fucking minutes, and the bastard left. I could only gawk in disbelief.

The waiter gave me a sympathetic look. "First date?" he questioned.

"Yeah,"

"Ouch, that's tough. Martini?"

"Please."

On the plus side: the drink was on the house.

And this is exactly why men suck. I was not very enthusiastic about going home and facing Seth. I had to wander into the forest, take off my dress and carry it in my mouth while running home, so I had no way to explain the huge drool stains. Another thing would be answering his questions on why I'd only been gone an hour, and why I was so incredibly drunk I could barely walk straight. So being ditched depresses me, got a problem with that?

I only had one tequila shot, anyway. Or maybe eleven. I lost count.

Stumbling through the door, I shut it quietly behind me, sneaking in unnoticed and passing out in my room with a bucket being the best option my brain could conjure at the moment. The front rooms were unoccupied, but I could hear obnoxious laughter coming from the kitchen in which the pack was probably eating me and Seth out of house and home. For whatever reason, the squeaking stairs seemed louder than usual, and I was constantly pausing mid-step, expecting to be discovered like a small child creeping back to bed after a midnight snack of forbidden double-chocolate cake that your mother made for your kid brothers birthday the next day but you just couldn't damn well help yourself and accidently left fingerprints in the frosting.

As soon as I thought it, I started to crave cake. Fudge-smothered cake… all chocolate and fudgey…

Dammit.

I was almost safe, inches from my room, when I heard my name.

"Leah?" I froze. Jacob was exiting the bathroom. "What the hell are you doing?"

I hadn't noticed I was tiptoeing around like a freaking weirdo. "Aw fuck," I cursed. "What are you doing here?" Amused, Jacob gestured back towards the bathroom, shrugging. "What, you couldn't just take a piss outside like a normal guy? Were the bushes laughing at you again?"

I was kind of annoyed he'd caught me in my awesome, stealthy act.

"Leah, what—"

"Um, hey Jake, I, err, think I smell a vampire. Yeah, that's it, I smell a vampire. Go fetch and make friends or something. That's what you do nowadays, right? Make friends with bloodsuckers? Do you have little bloodsucking tea parties too?"

Jacob shook his head. "Stop trying to avoid my questions," I hated that he could read my mind without being in my head. It was just borderline freaky. My drunkenness didn't help me filter my emotions, and apparently my stealthy skills sucked right now; I was outright confused when Jacob suddenly flared with anger. "What happened? Did he try to hurt you?" he demanded.

I flinched, his voice echoed in my head. "Oh Jesus, shut up, Jake!" I squinted at him. "And tell the walls to stop moving."

He seemed satisfied that my date—what was the dudes name again?—didn't try to pull a fast one on me, so he gripped my shoulders with his large, warm hands to stop himself from swaying. Or was I swaying? Urgh, I just don't know anymore. "Lee, are you drunk?" Ha, no shit, Alpha. "Wow, I'm impressed. It takes a lot for us to get smashed. How much did you have?"

I groaned. "Didn't we already have this conversation?" Or had that been a conversation I had in my head?

"I assume the date didn't go very well."

"You assume correct, fuckwit."

"That bad, huh?"

"Lemme put it this way—I would rather date a Cullen."

Jacob grinned. I'm so glad he finds my pain funny. "Yikes, really?"

"No, not really."

"So what happened?"

"Jeez, I'd rather keep my last shred of dignity, if you don't mind."

"Oh… do you need anything?"

I thought about it. "A forbidden double-chocolate cake," I declared with a nod. It probably sounded really random to him. Reaching outwards, I carefully pressed up against the wall and felt along it to the direction of my room. Maybe lying down would make things stop spinning.

Pausing, I added.

"Oh, and Jake, do me a favour?"

He was staring at me freakishly again. "Yeah?"

"Burn the fucking daisies."

Jacob laughed, I scowled and I slammed the door in his stupid face.


Hehe well, please tell me what you think! This is the prologue, and if anyone is interested I'd be happy to write this during my spare time and in-between writing my other Leah-based story. I have this one planned out for a bit, lots of hilarious (for us, anyway) bad dates for Leah, and its set after Breaking Dawn. I'm tossing a coin to what the end pairing is going to be, however I am leaning towards Blackwater... ideas anyone?

Please read and review!

Hazel-Buttafly