Title: Integra's Income

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Humor/General

Summary: Seras unwittingly stumbles upon the answer to one of the greatest mysteries of Hellsing Mansion. One-shot. Crack!

Warnings: Overall bad writing, Implied Sexual Themes


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Midnight at Hellsing Manor was always quite active. Quiet, but active. Not just because of the guards, or the late hours everyone there seemed to keep. Rather, because of the odd stream of strange men coming and going at all hours of the evening and night. None of the new recruits could understand it; every new man had clearance from Sir Integra to be there, yet no explanation with forthcoming.

The very few Geese brave enough to question their leader always received strong reprimand. And those even fewer brave souls to question Alucard merely received a cheshire cat grin and demented laugh for their troubles. It was maddening! Eventually the allure of the mystery reached young Seras' ears and caught on. It was an even bigger mystery than the production of Freak vampires, at times.

One night, Seras was wandering restlessly through the halls of the mansion. There had been no activity requiring her attention for nearly a week now, and she was bored. Her Master was nowhere to be found. Captain Pip was out of the question when it came to being good company, and Sir Integra had expressly forbidden anyone to go near her private wing. That left only one option in Seras' mind. Walter.

She knew that Walter had the only working computers in the house, barring one in Sir Integra's personal office. A break in the monotony was desperately needed. She was curious about a website Pip had mentioned in passing. Normally she wouldn't trust a word from that man's mouth, but she was willing to try anything at this point.

Reaching Walter's room, she was relieved to see a light on underneath the door. The Hellsing retainer was still awake too despite the night off. Knocking lightly on the door, she flashed the older man a bright smile and asked sweetly to use the internet. It worked every time. Seras was allowed in without issue and went about happily turning on the device on Walter's desk. While she was at it, Walter kindly left to fetch her some tea.

"That man never stops working." Seras smiled fondly. Typing in the web address Pip had told her about, she was pleasantly surprised once the page loaded. It was neither pornography or filthy jokes. It seemed to be an ads site. Curiously she browsed through the pages, eying some of the items people were selling or giving away with interest. Once that lost its appeal, she explored the 'Jobs and Gigs' section of the website, intrigued at what could possibly be posted there.

As it turned out, quite a few respectable businesses posted their help wanted ads in that section. One subsection caught her attention rather quickly though. With trepidation, she clicked it. Poor Seras just couldn't help herself. So far the website hadn't contained anything untoward or improper. She thought that the label simply meant it was for age-restricted work, such as bar tending or cigarette shops. She certainly knew now why Pip used the site.

Like a train wreck, she could not compel her eyes to look away. Thankfully, not many of these ads had photos, but the few there were told her immediately what type of ads they were. Against her will, she read the top add.

'Busty red-head seeking lucrative "business" partners. Must be male. Reply with pics and dic-'

She stopped reading at that point. She felt like her face was about to catch fire from blushing so hard. As luck would have it, that was around that time Walter returned with their tea. Seras thought the man was having a heart attack when he caught sight of the web page. His face went unnaturally pale and his hands began shaking. Seras jumped up from her seat and rushed to him, face still bright red.

"Oh Walter! I'm sorry, it's not what it looks like! I didn't know what-"

"Miss Seras, it's perfectly alright." The man appeared disgruntled but recovered himself from the shock. He swiftly stepped up to the computer, clearly intending to shut the box off. Seras followed him, taking the tea tray when he offered it. Against her will, her eyes gravitated back to stare at the page over the butler's shoulder. A few of the photos grabbed her attention. Eyes wide, she let out a quiet shriek as one of them registered in her mind.

"What on earth?"

Walter glanced between Seras and the computer. Surely the girl was not naive on the subjects of sex? Then again, there was a reason Alucard could turn her. Puzzling over her odd reaction, he studied the ads more closely, pondering what could have possibly shocked her so badly.

His monocle popped off as he followed her gaze. There was no other way around it. One of the ads with photos featured a woman in leather wielding a whip. A very blonde, very blue-eyed, very familiar woman. They stood in stunned silence for several long minutes.

A loud cackle startled them both, giving them the appearance of a pair of startled cats as they whirled around to stare at the door. Alucard stepped in, in all his red-clad glory. His hat was curiously absent tonight, yet he was in high spirits despite the lack of recent bloodshed. They didn't move as he stalked forward to glance curiously at the computer screen. Eying the ad in barely concealed merriment, Alucard laughed again.

"Well, congratulations, Police Girl! It seems you have just won me a bet!"

"A-a bet, Master?"

He shot her a wide grin before turning on his heels and stalking back towards the door. Amusement rang loud and clear as he loosed a parting shot over his shoulder.

"Why yes. I bet Integra that I could figure out the source of her extra income without the aid of my powers!"

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Disclaimer: Any publicly recognizable characters, settings, histories, etc., are the property of their respective owners. I make no profit from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.