Title: Morior Unus
Summary: Jenny's biggest fear was to die alone, then things changed. Her explanation to Gibbs
Spoilers: Judgment Day
Prompt: Jenny - Die alone ncis_shared June thing-a-thon
Disclaimer: The characters herein belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Something a little different from me, I don't usually do Jenny fic, and I rarely write in the first person but this seemed to work for the prompt...
I write this knowing what will come next, the phone call I am sure you will receive and the sights you will have to face. I know that you will have a lot of questions and that I will not be there to answer them, and so I leave this, my explanation, and whilst you may not agree with much of what I have to say, after all these years I feel it is the very least I owe you.
You will think I should have told you another way, but the truth is I could not bear to look you in the eye and tell you; at least on paper I can write what I want, what I need to tell you without fear of you interrupting me as is your habit.
I have no time to draft this, you are reading exactly what I write as it comes into my head, but I know you, I know you are intelligent, you will be able to distinguish between what is important and what is simply the unimportant, often incoherent babble that fills my mind even now as I try and clear it of everything but the things I feel it is important that you know.
I always thought that the worst possible way to die would be alone. To grow old and weak by myself and to finally die, not surrounded by loved ones but completely alone, without anyone around me to realise, to care that I was gone.
It was however a fate that I had resigned myself to, the very least I deserved after what I did to you. It remains to this day my one regret, choosing my career over you. Do not believe it was because I didn't love you, I did, but I knew I did not have all you love, at the time I did not know why, now I know about Shannon and Kelly. Shannon was clearly your soul mate, as I now realise you were mine, even if you don't believe in all that. Is it possible to love someone so completely again? I mean one that first true ultimate love is taken from you, I don't know, I suppose the fact I described it as an ultimate love would suggest not. Could you have loved me as much as I loved you? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. I am sorry I never gave you the chance to try.
Several months ago I learnt that there was a fate worse that dying alone. I am sick Jethro, dying despite the fact I told you I was fine. I am told it will not take long, the transition from fully functioning human being to a shell; to lose my ability to walk, to talk, to lose everything that makes me me.
Maybe it is vain of me but I know I cannot die like that, to be surrounded by the pity that you would all feel despite your best attempts to hide it and to be unable to say anything, to make you leave and get on with your lives, and so when I realised the death of William Decker was anything but natural I made the decision to follow this through. It was not a decision I made lightly and I can assure you that I walked into this situation fully aware that the likely outcome would be my death. Do not be too hard on Tony and Ziva, they were simply following the orders I forced upon them, and I know this went against Ziva's better judgment. She will try her best to hide it but she will be blaming herself for what has happened to me. Do not let her. It is not her fault; the honest truth is that the fault lies squarely at my door. You will remember the operation in Paris, you were sure that we left clean, that there was no danger of anything being traced back to us but the truth is I failed. Despite the faith you placed in me I couldn't do it, when I came face to face with her I did not see the criminal I simply saw another woman, in another life our roles may well have been reversed and I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. I left Natasha alive and now she is in America looking for revenge, for me. For you. And so perhaps part of my brain is trying to rationalise this selfish act, perhaps it is somewhat less selfish if my act results in your staying safe, alive to guide your team, for whilst my death may cause them pain and guilt it will be nothing compared to what they would feel at the loss of you.
I can hear cars now, I know the end is coming and so I will be brief, Franks is out the back, do not blame Mike either, this is what I wanted. Some will say I went down fighting, that I was brave until the end. You will know this is not the case, this is the death of my choosing but it is not born out of bravery, it is the result of my vanity and cowardice. I apologise that I was not strong like you. I apologise for any pain I will cause you but know I always have and always will love you with all that I am.