What's New, Naruto?
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.
09 - Smoochiha
Naruto stretched out, yawning loudly as he prepared for another day of being rich. Because that was what he was now.
Stealing the Uchiha fortune turned out to be the best decision he had ever made in his life. The Uchiha clan had left behind more than a legacy, they had left behind a vast fortune that was just calling out to him, begging to be used. Sasuke, who had inherited that fortune, didn't splurge in it like Naruto would have, living a frugal lifestyle instead. However, since Sasuke had defected from the village, he had also given up the rights to his family's inheritance. Since then, the Uchiha fortune lay in dormancy, untouched by the Konoha populace in respect to the deceased clan.
They were just a bunch of suckers in the blond's mind. What good was a dead clan if you couldn't use their money?
Heading downstairs after washing up, Naruto spotted Temari sitting on the living room sofa, reading a book.
"Morning," he greeted, but Temari didn't even acknowledge him, causing him to frown.
"Good morning," Naruto repeated, this time with more force. Temari glanced up at him, still not saying anything.
"Umm... aren't you going to say anything?" Naruto asked, confused at the subtle hostility coming from her.
"My apologies," Temari replied coolly, "I didn't realise I had Your Lordship's permission to speak."
Naruto winced, knowing why she was angry. Perhaps he had gone too far in using his newfound status as the head of the Uchiha clan to order people around.
"Hey, listen," Naruto started, but Temari interrupted him.
"Please, don't let my unworthy presence spoil your mood, Uchiha-sama. Perhaps you would like to leave? Or should I?" Temari rested her hand on her stomach, her pregnancy showing with the tell tale bump in her midsection.
Feeling slightly awkward to be in the same room with her, especially given her mood, Naruto decided perhaps it was best that he leave.
"Right, okay," he said, shifting uncomfortably as he felt her ire rising by the second, "I'll just go then."
He awkwardly shuffled to the exit, wanting to say at least something that might help brighten her mood. As much as she stressed the fact that they would have nothing to do with each other aside from their unborn child, he still wanted them to have a pleasant relationship.
"I'll, uh..." Naruto said, "I'll see you lat-"
"GET THE FUCK OUT!"
Temari whipped her book at him, it flying over his head as he ducked and hitting the wall with a loud thud. Her irises widened, thick veins of anger bulging across her temple as she breathed heavily, accentuating her sizeable chest. When her lips started peeling back, revealing her pearly-white snarl, Naruto decided to flee.
Outside the house, he spotted Saya a bit down the road, walking into town in her sports gear. Catching up to her easily, Naruto slid alongside her.
"Go away," Saya said, almost automatically. Naruto, who had only just been in the process of greeting her enthusiastically, deflated.
"Where are you going?" Naruto asked, curious as to what she was going to do.
"No," Saya replied, much to Naruto's confusion.
"Huh?" was all he could say, "What're you talking about?"
"You're not going to come," Saya said, still not looking at him, "If you have to know, Ayame-san and I are going to play some tennis with friends of ours."
"So why can't I come?" Naruto exclaimed, "Ayame loves me!"
Saya furiously spun on her heels, facing him with a thunderous expression on her face.
"You... you deliberately slept with her as soon as you realized we were friends!" Saya exploded, "You're an absolute asshole of the umpteenth degree!"
Naruto backed up a few steps, holding his hands up in a placating manner.
"H- hey, I didn't know you two were friends," Naruto said, trying to defend himself.
"I was right there!" Saya yelled indignantly.
"Well, then you know she came onto me first," Naruto replied, "What was I supposed to say?"
"Hmm... how about... no!" Saya shouted, working up a rage, "It's not hard."
"How could I say no to her? I've known Ayame since I was a kid! She's like a sister to me!"
"So you slept with her!?" Saya asked incredulously.
"It's not my fault she's kinky like that," Naruto said, a lecherous grin on his face, "Besides, she did ask you if you wanted to join us."
Saya looked disgusted at the very thought of it.
"I can't believe Ayame went through with it," Saya said, shaking her head in dissatisfaction, "At least she came back quickly."
"That wasn't my fault!" Naruto blurted out rather fiercely, "I swear, that almost never happens to me. Who told you? Did Ayame say something?"
Saya seemed both confused and taken aback at Naruto's outburst.
"What in the world are you talking about?" she asked, before sighing tiredly, "Look, just stay away from Ayame and I. In fact, any of my friends. I don't need you corrupting them too."
"What do you mean corrupting? Since when have I corrupted anyone?" Naruto asked, "Is this why people are being mean to me and shit?"
"Ever since you got the Uchiha name, you've been a complete asshole to everyone, more so than usual," Saya said angrily, "Maybe if you stopped looking down on everyone, we'd stop ignoring you."
"Oh, so just because I'm rich now means Naruto isn't allowed to be mean to the poor people anymore," Naruto said with great sarcasm, "What's the point of having the Uchiha title if I can't be a complete dick about it?"
"What's the difference from before?" Saya replied coolly, raising an eyebrow.
"Fine. Fine," Naruto said, looking upset, "I don't need you, and I sure as hell don't need your non-threesome having ideals. Maybe I'll go find someone who'll truly be able to appreciate the opportunity!"
"You do that," Saya told him, rolling her eyes. Naruto kicked the ground once in annoyance, shoving his hands in his pockets and walking away grumbling.
He paused when he heard Saya's voice call him, turning back hopefully.
"Oh, and don't forget to visit the bank for the meeting about the Uchiha fortune you keep ignoring. We keep getting notices from them."
"Of course," Naruto muttered, grimacing. There was no way in hell that was happening.
Naruto stopped right outside the gates, looking closely through to find his target. He was still a bit upset at being ignored and sent off by his friends, but that was why he came here.
And there she was.
"Fuu!" Naruto called out, grabbing the attention of the girl.
They had enrolled the girl in school, with Azusa being adamant about it. She proclaimed that her daughter had been getting too much of a free ride, and that she needed to be a little bit more responsible about her education.
Fuu, of course, had not liked the idea one bit, and had raged against her mother for this 'extremely fucking stupid' idea as she had named it. This had earned her a spanking, which in turn ended up with her crying. Naruto, true to form, mocked and ridiculed her for being a crybaby. In turn, Fuu took offense to that, and decided to get back at him by playing the cruellest pranks she could think of on him.
Naruto, after spending one night in jail for allegedly molesting a child, decided to apologize to her lest his reputation worsen.
After her first day of classes however, Fuu had found that she rather enjoyed school. Growing up in Furou, she hadn't attended school, as the nearest schools were in a neighbouring town. Where Saya had decided to attend those schools, Fuu wasn't nearly as interested in her studies, instead deciding to lord her position as the town leader's daughter over the other kids and just generally enjoying herself. Most people understood this to be Naruto's influence on her.
"Oi, Fuu!" Naruto called once more. The girl turned to look at him from within her group of friends, only to glance away, causing Naruto to frown.
"That's weird," he said to himself, stroking his chin in confusion, "I could've sworn she just saw me."
"Fuu! Over here!" Naruto called out a third time, finally getting a reaction, though it was from one of the other kids.
"Erm... I think that man is calling you, Fuu," said one of the girls, a brunette with twin tails hanging over her shoulders, "Should I get a teacher?"
Fuu took a moment to answer her, actually considering what the girl was saying.
"Nah," she said reluctantly, walking towards him with her friend, "That's just my brother."
"What're you doing here, Naruto-nii?" she asked, her mouth twisted in annoyance.
"Well," Naruto said, letting out a great, hearty, and very false, laugh, "I thought that we could spend some quality time together, just like we used to. What do you say, old chap?"
"I have classes soon," Fuu replied almost immediately, but her friend corrected her.
"But classes are already over," said the brunette, in the same perpetually-anxious tone. When Naruto looked at her with raised eyebrow, she eeped, hiding behind Fuu.
"Club, I meant," Fuu corrected herself, "I have my after-school club soon, so I can't."
Her friend looked at her confusedly.
"Oh, well, maybe I can help you out in club today," Naruto said hopefully, "What kind of club is it?"
"It's a shut-the-fuck-up kind of club," Fuu said quickly, before grabbing her friend's hand and running away. Naruto just stood there, dumbfounded.
"Don't forget to visit the bank!" Fuu turned back and yelled at him, cupping her hands, before running into her school building and disappearing from sight.
Naruto tsked, kicking a small stone on the ground.
"What a bitch..." He shoved his hands into his pockets, heading to his last destination, "And I'm not going to the fucking bank."
Naruto stepped into the room, finding Azusa examining the breasts of young brunette. Catching sight of him, the girl let out a scream, attempting to cover herself.
"Ahhh! Who are you!? What are you doing here!?"
Naruto held up a hand to placate her.
"It's okay, I'm a doctor."
Azusa was quick in protecting the girl's modesty, stepping between her and Naruto and passing her a bra and shirt.
"Everything is healthy, so you have nothing to worry about," she told the patient. After having dressed, the girl went to the door, sidestepping the blond.
"Thank you doctor," she said politely.
"You're welcome," Naruto replied, grinning. The girl gave him a weirded look, but departed soon after, closing the door behind her.
"And how are you today, Naruto-kun?" Azusa said, smiling softly at him. Naruto felt his heart lift. Finally someone was being nice to him.
"Oh, I've been having the worst day," he told her, "First Temari kicked me out, then Saya wouldn't let me join her for tennis, and Fuu pretended to be too busy to hang out with me, and then you wouldn't let me perv on the topless woman, and apparently I have to go to the bank! Save me!"
"Well, what would you like me to do?" Azusa asked him. Naruto just grinned lecherously.
"Well, for starters, you could go topless for a bit. Perhaps it's time Dr. Naruto gave you a breast examination." Naruto rubbed his hands together in anticipation, leering at her. Azusa, true to form, did not seem offended in the slightest.
"Perhaps another time," she replied, looking amused, "As Hokage-sama lent me her aid in procuring this position so quickly, it would be poor manners for me to risk losing it so quickly."
"Man, Tsunade really hooked you up, huh?" Naruto said, before giving her a hard look, "The other doctors don't hit on you, do they?"
"I can handle myself, and I do believe they've got the fear of the Hokage in them, as Tsunade-san does visit me from time to time," Azusa told him conversationally, "But I digress. It's about time for me to take my break, so perhaps you would like to accompany me for a bit?"
"Would I!?" Naruto said, triumphantly.
Azusa really knew him well. While he could easily have escaped, he knew better than to run away when she was holding onto his arm as she was. To be honest, he should have expected this. Everybody had been hounding him to go to the bank, but Azusa was the only one wily enough to get him there herself.
Still, better he was here with her than by his lonesome.
Walking in, Azusa led him to what was a rather sizeable line in order to get to a teller. Naruto, who didn't want to be there in the first place, was having none of this, so he withdrew a walking stick out of thin air. Azusa sighed when she saw it.
The first thing Naruto had done when he stole the Uchiha fortune was have a blacksmith craft a cane from the finest materials Sasuke's dead family could afford. Naruto had called it destiny. After all, what good was being a lord when you didn't have a cane to whack people with?
Naruto led her forward as he shoved the people ahead of them in line aside, insulting them as he passed.
"Out of the way, pleb," Naruto said, sharply smacking a man on his knee, forcing him away from the teller.
"Whelp, I demand to see an account manager at once," Naruto commanded, his tone imperious. The teller looked at him, confused and anxious.
"Er, I'm afraid you would have to wait your turn, sir," the teller replied nervously. Naruto's eyes narrowed, causing him to gulp.
"You expect me to wait in a line with the rest of these scum?" Naruto asked, "I, the Lord Uchiha?"
"U-Uchiha!?" The teller immediately rose, bowing as he backed up, rushing off to get his superior.
"Hey, what the hell is with your attitude!?" one of the customers spoke up, glaring at the blond. Azusa covered her mouth with her hand, hiding her smile.
"You dare challenge my authority?" Naruto said, dangerously, "I am the Lord Uchiha, of Uchiha fame, the uhh... Uchihaiest of Uchiha to walk this land. Learn your place."
"Now now, Naruto-kun," Azusa said, placing a placating hand on his shoulder.
"Lord Uchiha?" Naruto turned around, seeing the teller accompanied by an older man, "If you would accompany me, sir, I'll be able to attend you."
"Finally," Naruto said, leading Azusa to the room the manager was standing by. He looked back at the room when he reached the door, an annoyed look on his face.
"Tch," he said, "Filthy casuals."
"Thank you for finally making the time to visit us, Lord Uchiha," the manager said, holding out a hand for Naruto to shake. Naruto looked down at the hand as if it were a diseased rat. Looking back at the manager, he raised an eyebrow in question. The manager withdrew his greeting, his cheeks pink from embarrassment.
"What is the purpose of this meeting?" Azusa asked, "We've received several letters asking us to come here, though we've only just found time to do so."
"Right, well, looking over your finances," the manager said, grabbing a sheet of paper that was sitting on his desk, "It seems as if you've been spending more money than you have."
"What the hell are you talking about?" he said, "There's no way I spent that much money. The Uchiha have a fortune!"
"Actually sir," the manager replied, "The Uchiha clan's fortune became forfeit when Uchiha Sasuke defected from the village. The only value that remained was the property value, which was the Uchiha compound."
"Even then, there is little actual value to those properties. While the Uchiha compound itself is worth a good amount of money, after years of abandonment, there has not been anyone willing to purchase any properties due to both respect for the clan, and because of the deteriorating structures of the homes." The manager looked apologetic. Naruto looked heartbroken.
"S-so... you're telling me... I'm not rich?"
"I'm afraid not, sir," the manager said, "In fact, you owe us quite a lot of money."
Naruto raised his hands slowly, looking at them as if they had grown anew.
"Then," he said, hands trembling as tears poked the corners of his eyes, "These... these elite hands that I did not allow any inferiors to touch..."
"Thank you for your time," Azusa said suddenly, grabbing Naruto and standing him up, "We will endeavor to pay back the money we owe as soon as we can. We must take our leave for now, I'm afraid."
The manager watched as the bombshell woman took the blond Uchiha Lord outside, supporting him on her shoulder as his lordly strength had apparently left him.
It was when they were outside that he heard a voice yell out.
"THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!"
Naruto walked the streets of Konoha, absentmindedly kicking small stones that he came across, dejected at his latest loss. He wasn't exactly watching where he was going, letting his feet take him to any destination. It didn't matter where he went. Nothing mattered anymore.
"Hey! Watch it!" The man Naruto had bumped into looked at the blond angrily, but Naruto just didn't have it in him to really respond with his usual fervor.
"You are not fit to walk the same path as one such as I, blah blah blah," Naruto replied, but there was no conviction in his words. What was the point in being the Lord Uchiha if he didn't have any money? Things had finally been going right. Naruto may not have had the respect or love that the Uchiha clan used to have, but those were things that money could buy. All that mattered was the money, and now he didn't even have that.
Fucking Sasuke, Naruto thought viciously, It's all your damn fault, you faggot.
Naruto's thoughts were interrupted when he heard a woman scream.
Looking back, he saw a man run at him, holding a purse while a much slower woman gave a short and futile chase after him as he took off with her posessions. Naruto made no move to stop the man as he sped past the blond, turning the corner in an effort to throw off any possible pursuers.
That was when it clicked.
Naruto took off after the man, catching up to him effortlessly. Being a civilian, there was nothing he could do when the blond grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him to the ground, snatching the purse from his hands with ease. Naruto looked down at the man contemplatively, ignoring his glare.
"You know, you've got the right idea," the blond told the man, "But trying it in a ninja village was probably the dumbest thing you could do."
"But," he said, tossing the purse up and catching it, "I guess I can let you go since you gave me a great idea."
Naruto was about to let the man go when the victim finally turned the corner, coming upon the scene with slight awe.
"Thank you very much," she said, rushing up the blond, taking her purse from him, "I thought he would get away."
Naruto grinned weakly at her.
"Y-yeah," he said, "Of course, how could I stand by and let innocent people get robbed?"
"Then, are you really starting up the Uchiha Police Force again?" she asked, giving him a friendly smile.
"The Uchiha Police Force," she repeated, "You're the new Lord Uchiha, right? I assumed when you took the role, you were going to take up policing the village like the Uchiha used to do."
Naruto rubbed his chin thoughtfully, intrigued by the idea. It would require a little research on his part, but there was plenty of merit to it. If he was able to sell the idea, he could probably get funded by the village. In fact, there was probably some sort of fund that the village had set up with the Uchiha clan back when they policed the village. He could try to claim those for himself. It was definitely better than what he was planning previously; being a thief, even for a ninja of his caliber was quite risky after all.
"Yep," he said, grinning deviously, "Well, I'm still trying to sell the idea, so be sure to spread the word and give me your support!"
The woman gave the blond a big smile, not noticing the blond's obvious bad intentions.
"I'll definitely help you out," she told him. With a final wave, Naruto took off, his mood lifted.
"Hey, there's no money in here!" he heard the woman exclaim, and his grin widened.
He was back in business.
"What is the purpose of this meeting, Hokage-sama?" Hiashi asked, waiting for the blonde Hokage to finally address the group. Tsunade, who had not called the meeting, merely looked confused. She had been told that the council had called... Naruto.
Her head turned to the whiskered jinchuuriki, eyes narrowing.
"I'll take it from here," Naruto said, "Tsunade and I have been talking, and we've decided that since I have taken up the title of Lord Uchiha, I'd also be starting up the Uchiha Police Force as is my right, promised by the village to the Uchiha clan."
Of course, this was the first Tsunade was hearing of this. Tsunade glared at him, hating being put in awkward positions by the blond, but she wouldn't hang him out to dry no matter how much as she wanted to.
Hiashi looked between the two, clearly not believing a word Naruto had said.
"And I'm assuming you're looking to claim the funds promised to the Uchiha clan for maintaining a police force?" Nara Shikaku asked, smirking.
"I'm hesitant to accept a police force led by Uzumaki-san," Hiashi said, "It does not have anything to do with you, but you have not been in the village for several years. How can you say you'll be able to police the village effectively?"
Which was just the Hyuuga's way of saying, no fucking way am I letting you have so much power, you shithead.
"Well, this is why your nephew is here," Naruto responded, smirking. Neji, who had no idea why he was also there, threw Naruto a sharp glance. What was this idiot thinking?
"Neji has agreed to be my second-in-command, which would officially give your clan their own place in the police force," Naruto said, causing Hiashi to look at him in suprise. Neji grit his teeth in anger. This moron.
Stepping forward, Neji grabbed the blond's shoulder, pulling him back and furiously whispering to him.
"What the hell are you doing, you idiot? Do you realize I'd have to give more time to this police force than my actual jounin duties?"
Naruto pulled out a cheque and handed it to Neji, not saying a word.
"Do you think I can be bought with money?" Neji continued, glancing at the cheque, "Listen to me, Naruto, there is no way..."
Neji paused momentarily, looking back at the cheque extraordinarily, before addressing the council.
"Naruto and I have discussed the merits of a police force with the prestige of both the Uchiha and Hyuuga clans behind it, and we truly believe we can make a difference inside this village."
"This is why we need the funding," Naruto said, "It's nothing extra, just what the Uchiha Police Force used to get."
"That is an absurd amount of money," an old lady said, frowning at the blond, "The old police force had dozens of people, you are only two."
"The original police force disappeared over night," Neji replied, referring to the Uchiha massacre, "It will take time and money to rebuild it."
"Besides, like Shika senior said, the funding was promised to the Uchiha clan since the founding of the village, which is not something the council can suddenly decline. As the Lord Uchiha, that money is mine so long as I employ my police force, which I'm doing. And despite all this, I have the support of the Hokage," Naruto said, ignoring the dangerous looks Tsunade was giving him.
The room fell silent at this, nobody sure if they had a reason to oppose what the blond was saying. Since the fall of the Uchiha clan, there were very few shinobi willing to take over the police force, so the Third Hokage had to delegate different shinobi to the task of policing the village every week. Having an official police force, especially one with a Hyuuga in it, was a very appealing thought.
"Very well," Hiashi said, his face as neutral as always, "I lend my support to Uzumaki-san's request."
Hyuuga Hiashi was the hardest and biggest stone to fall. Naruto knew the Hyuuga would be opposed to a police force on principle, but with Neji as his second in command, he had overcome that problem. The rest of the council would fall like dominoes.
One by one, each council member started to vote in favour of Naruto's police force, and his smile seemed to widen with each one. Everybody tried their best to ignore the shiver of fear that seemed to crawl down their backs. Just what had they just voted for?
"Anyway," Tsunade spoke up, "I'm going to adjourn this meeting right here. In the meantime, the new Lord Uchiha and I have further matters to discuss regarding the… finalization of the police force."
She shot Naruto a glare, almost daring him to object. Naruto just gave her a cocky smirk, raising his chin and deliberately looking down his nose at her. This only served to piss her off further, no doubt accomplishing his goal.
"Follow me," Tsunade told him and Neji, taking leave of the room. Naruto quickly walked after her, producing his made-to-order Uchiha cane of whoop-ass. Stepping beside her with purpose, Naruto lightly paddled her butt, making her jump in surprise.
"Follow?" Naruto said, raising just one eyebrow, "The Lord Uchiha will follow behind no inferiors."
Once in her office, Tsunade settled into the chair behind her desk, gazing at both Naruto and Neji with surprising calm. Neji looked slightly apprehensive, but Naruto did not lose his cocky smirk in the slightest.
"So…" Tsunade started, "The Uchiha Police Force, huh?"
When she received no reply, Tsunade propped her elbows on her desk, resting her chin onto her intertwined hands and gazing at the blond for a long moment.
"You brat," she continued finally, "You could've given me some warning beforehand. I wouldn't have said no. Instead, you made me look like a fool in there."
"It was necessary," Naruto told her, shrugging, "I did my research. There was no way the Hyuuga clan would allow the Uchiha to have another police force, especially since their requests to take over had been denied by the Third since the massacre. With Neji as my second-in-command, and the council realizing that you had no idea what the hell I was planning, it was like a pussy just waiting to get fu-"
"I'm surprised you went along with it, Neji," Tsunade interrupted, eyeing the Hyuuga carefully, "I had no idea money attracted you so much."
"I normally would not have accepted it so easily, Hokage-sama," Neji replied, "But even I would be fool to give up such an income."
"I see," Tsunade replied evenly, "Well, in any case, you two have some recruiting to do. The original police force was quite big, so you have some work ahead of you. And I already have a supervisor in mind."
"Oh, did you think I'd give you free reign? How stupid do you think I am?" Tsunade asked.
"You can't give me a supervisor, you bimbo," Naruto said, finally losing his smirk, "I'm the head of the damned clan. The police force is mine."
"Even the original police force had a supervisor from the Hokage," Tsunade told him, smirking, "Did you think the Uchiha were able to operate unconditionally? Just like your predecessors, you'll also get a supervisor who'll act as the official liaison between the office of the Hokage and the Uchiha Police Force. And I know the perfect person."
Naruto glared at the woman, angrily watching her scribble something on a piece of paper.
"So what, you're just gonna force me to accept this… this mockery of a police force?" Naruto asked vehemently.
"Did you think I'd just sign away free money to you without making you work for it?" she replied easily, "Oh, and you are definitely going to work for it. I'm going to make sure that you two will be doing some detective work."
Naruto shoved his hands into his pockets, angrily glowering at the floor.
"It's unbecoming of an Uchiha Lord to pout," Tsunade said, before calling out to her nearby ninja, "Tenzo! Get in here!"
A man crashed through the window, shattering the glass and startling everyone as he rolled on the floor until the wall stopped his momentum. He was dressed in common ANBU attire, but was missing his mask. The most suspicious thing Naruto noticed about the man were his red eyes.
"Someone say m'name?"
Tsunade eyed him in concern.
"Oh, hey, it's Hokage-sama!" the man said, grinning. The action completely terrified everyone in the room.
"Tenzo… what's wrong? What happened?" Tsunade asked, slowly rising from her desk.
"Oh, nah, it's nothin'. I was just, thinking you know?" The man, Tenzo, crawled over to the nearest empty chair, laying down across the armrests.
"Like, what is a ninja?"
"Right…" Tsunade said, inspecting him closely, "Your eyes are really red."
"Don't worry about it," he said, spinning on the chair so he was upside down, letting his head softly rest on the carpet, "I've got it under control, sista."
"You need to take it easy with the Mokuton," Tsunade advised him, "I've seen the same symptoms with my grandfather. He told me that using a lot of Mokuton would always make his eyes red."
Naruto stared at her, boggled. She couldn't possibly be this dense.
"Anyway, I need you to deliver this message to Inuzuka Tsume," she said, handing him the piece of paper.
"Aww, okay," Tenzo said, grabbing the message and shoving it down his pants, near his crotch, "You mind if grab some chow on the way?"
Before Tsunade could reply, Tenzo jumped out, going through yet another window, shattering the glass.
"What is it with that guy and breaking my glass?" Tsunade muttered, before returning her attention to the blond, "Anyway, it's getting quite late. We'll be having an official inauguration and public announcement tomorrow at noon, so I'll see you then. Dismissed."
Before the two could leave, another ninja burst into the room, shattering Tsunade's third and final glass window.
"Oh for fuck's sake. Why do I keep replacing them?" Tsunade stomped out of the room, muttering angrily to herself.
Naruto realized with a start that this latest addition was none other than the crazy examiner lady from the chuunin exams, Anko. He appreciatively noticed that she hadn't lost her taut posterior or delectable figure, but Neji flinched at the sight of her.
"A-ah, Mitarashi-san, I see you've… you've been looking for me," he said, starting to sweat profusely. Anko just grinned.
"That I have. Anyway, let's get to it."
Neji paled dramatically, but catching sight of Naruto, he gave the blond a pensive look.
"Ah, um, might I suggest my partner here instead?" Neji asked, looking almost hopeful. Naruto looked at him in confusion.
"Aw, don't I interest you?" Anko replied, but she inspected the blond regardless, "Ooh, you've grown up nicely. You'll definitely do. How about it, blondie? Wanna have some fun?"
Naruto looked pleasantly surprised.
"Are you sure Neji?" Naruto asked, "I mean, I don't want to-"
But whatever Naruto was about to say was interrupted.
"YES!" Neji shouted, momentarily surprising the blond, "I mean, yes. I'm committed."
Naruto just shrugged, grinning at the Hyuuga.
"Cool, thanks for looking out for me, man," Naruto said, winking at Anko, "I appreciate it."
"Yes," Neji said, "Yes, I am looking out for you. You're, uh, you're welcome."
"My place, blondie," Anko said, grabbing his arm, "Let's go."
"Uhh, I should probably tell Saya and them about this whole thing first," Naruto said reluctantly. Neji shook his head.
"I'll take care of it," he said, "You just… enjoy... yourself."
Naruto grinned at him, letting himself get dragged away by the impatient Anko.
"You're the best, Neji!" he called out, and Neji watched as the pair disappeared. Letting out a sigh of relief, he headed out as well, deciding to go straight to Naruto's house before getting some rest for the upcoming inauguration.
He almost felt sorry for the blond. Almost.
"So you're telling me that Naruto, our Naruto, is in charge of policing this village now?" Saya asked. Neji just nodded.
"And the Hokage actually let this happen?" she said, incredulously, "What about our safety?"
"Don't worry, she assigned Inuzuka Tsume as our supervisor, and if I'm can't control him, she surely can," Neji assured her, "I don't think even Naruto would dare antagonize her."
Saya only leaned back onto the couch, sighing. Azusa smiled at her.
"Well, perhaps being put in such a prestigious position in combination with having Inuzuka-san as his supervisor might whip Naruto-kun into shape," she said, "Though, I do believe he chose this position more for the monetary benefits than anything else."
"That is the inclination I got from his actions," Neji confirmed.
"Where is he now?" Temari asked, her hand resting on her slightly bulging stomach. Neji flinched.
"I… I am not proud of what I did," he said, swallowing, "But I had no other choice! Mitarashi-san is… quite persistent. I have evaded her thus far, but I could not evade her forever."
"By Mitarashi… you mean Anko?"
When Neji nodded, Temari just smirked. Saya just looked at them in confusion.
"Umm… who is this… Anko?"
Temari's smirk widened, and Neji shook his head violently. And everyone listened with shock, horror, and a few cases, amusement to what Temari said.
"Well, let's get started blondie," Anko said, licking her lips suggestively. She pushed Naruto onto her couch as she started divesting herself of her clothing. Naruto just grinned in anticipation, before a thought struck him.
"Kage Bunshin," he called out, a clone popping into existence beside him.
"A clone?" she asked, amused, "Kinky."
"No, no, I only do it solo," Naruto said, as the clone left, "He's going to prepare some entertainment for my inauguration tomorrow."
"Forget about tomorrow's entertainment and let's focus on tonights," Anko said, removing the final article of cloth. Naruto eyed the gloriousness that was Mitarashi Anko in her birthday suit.
"Y'know," Anko said, smirking sexily, "I shouldn't be the only one not wearing any clothes."
As Naruto started getting undressed, Anko swung her hips side to side, catching Naruto's gaze with her hypnotic movements. As Naruto finally lay back, preparing himself for an enjoyable night, Anko put her hands together in an odd handseal, one Naruto had never seen before.
"What're you doing?" he asked curiously.
"A special technique," Anko replied, her grin becoming oddly frightening, "To make the night that much more enjoyable."
"Ooh, lay it on me, you horny bitch," Naruto said, matching her grin. He did not anticipate the danger. Anko leaned forward, and what she whispered into his ear sent a shiver of fear down his back, almost stopping his heart as his eyes widened in unbelieving fright.
"Futanari no jutsu."
"Hey, what's wrong?" Saya asked, waving her hand in front of the blond's face. Naruto did not react at all.
"I believe the correct term is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," Azusa informed her, "I am assuming it has to do with what Temari-san relayed to us last night."
Saya shuddered at the thought, giving the blond a pitying look. As annoying as he was, Naruto didn't really deserve what had happened to him. Temari however had found it hilarious, and even Azusa seemed amused.
"Stop squirming," Temari told Naruto, her smile ever present, "Why can't you sit still?"
"I don't wanna talk about it," Naruto replied, tears prickling his eyes, "I... I don't wanna talk about it."
"Stop crying, Naruto," Tsunade said, trying hard not to laugh, "It's not the end of the world."
"I just, I just want- wanted…" Naruto wasn't able to finish his sentence, as he started blubbering, hugging his arms as he tried desperately to comfort himself.
Fuu came running up to him, grabbing on his hand, a huge grin on her face.
"It's the COOLEST thing you're doing!" she said, "All my friends from school want to meet you! Come on!"
Fuu pulled Naruto from his seat, dragging him along behind her. She was slowed down by his uneven pace.
"Why are you limping?"
"I FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS, OKAY!?" Naruto shouted, slowly hyperventilating, "I just, I fell down some stairs. That's all."
"Yeah," Naruto said to himself, "It was just the stairs."
The girls watched as Fuu introduced the new police chief to her friends, no doubt using his status to her benefit to lord over them in some way. Temari let out a satisfied sigh.
"Well, I guess I can lighten up on him now," she said, "He's finally getting his act together, and I think the threat of Anko can keep him in line."
"Wife of the police chief," she said wistfully, forgetting her company.
"Wife?" Azusa raised a delicate eyebrow, looking at the Suna nin with no small amount of humour. Temari froze, realizing she had said that out loud. As Azusa teased the now-blushing woman, Saya grimaced at the thought of the two blondes marrying. It fortunately went unnoticed.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a... Uzumaki Naruto?" A pretty redheaded girl dressed up in a nurse's outfit approached the women.
"Oh, over here!" Naruto called, apparently having overcome his previous trauma.
"Is there something wrong, Naruto-kun?" Azusa asked, eyeing the girl up and down, "Though, I don't believe I've ever seen you working at the hospital before."
"No, no, she's not a nurse," Naruto said, grinning at the blushing girl, "She's the entertainment."
Entertainment? the thought was universal, as everyone pondered Naruto's words. Saya was the first to get it, her face darkening in anger.
The smaller man showed the next picture, depicting Naruto dodging a fist from a brunette, a snarl on her face.
"The women were, of course, outraged. The Hokage seemed amused, but everyone else yelled at him for hiring a stripper for a public inauguration."
The next picture showed Neji glaring at him, his mouth open as he chastised the blond jinchuuriki fiercely while the stripper tried to hide behind a plant.
"The Hyuuga, his second-in-command, asked him how many naked women he needed to see before he was satisfied. Uzumaki seemed embarrassed, but he said that since the stripper was still on the clock, they should make use of her."
He switched to the next picture. The stripper was significantly fatter this time, wearing many layers of clothing with an embarrassed and angry look on her face. Nearby, Naruto and Fuu wore similar grins, cheering her on.
"Uzumaki made the girl put on as many layers of clothing as she could within the half-hour she was hired for. This was the final result."
The taller man took a deep breath, jutting out his cigarette on the nearby table.
"The Hyuuga might be trouble, but this new Lord Uchiha is as incompetent as they come, nothing but a buffoon."
"So, do we ignore them?"
"We'll continue operations without pause. If they end up being trouble, we can deal with it. I already know the perfect way to deal with idiots like him."
A vicious smirk adorned his face as his finger stroked the photograph of an ecstatic Fuu.
So. Here we are. No excuses for me, but I think I might be forgiven with this chapter? I mean, it's a FRIGGIN Naruto and Neji BUDDY COP FIC! How awesome is that!?
Make sure to leave a review. There is a lot more funny shit to come, and big ups to Az and Ageant for pretty much becoming co-writers for this. I think you might notice their influence as the story progresses. Thanks to everyone calling me a faggot as well :(. I'm looking at you, Zeit.
Be sure to check out my newest story, Harry Potter and the Disastrous Date, which is also a great comedy. If you enjoy this, I think you'll enjoy that as well!
Onward to 500+ reviews!