Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
A/N: The villains/anti-heroes in this series are the most fun to write about, I think, especially the Varia...although I still like the Vongola guys alot, too.
It's short and cracky. Enjoy...!!! This fic also uses the assumption that Mammon/Viper is a girl, too!
As the "mother" of the Varia, Lussuria knew more about his fellow assassins than anyone else.
He knew how Squalo would wake up every morning cursing his fate, wondering aloud why he didn't just cut Xanxus down when he had the chance. It was the only time he ever cried. He also pondered why he had been so stupid as to cut off his own hand.
He knew how Levi was slowly losing what little sanity he still possessed over his intense obsession with his beloved leader. Now that his collection of hand-made Xanxus dolls was complete, the Varia Thunder Guardian was now in the process of creating an eroge visual novel focused around a very sexually active Xanxus.
He knew how Belphegor would lock himself up in the bathroom and slice open his arms to get off on some sort of sexual high. If he kept at it like he was, he might surely die of blood loss. He also knew that the blonde boy had a rather extensive obsession with Hello Kitty underwear, as well.
He knew how Mammon would cry herself to sleep every night, because she knew the curse of the Arcobaleno was slowly eating away at her life force. He also knew how Mammon seemed to become flustered and tense whenever 'Mukuro' was mentioned.
There was nothing to say about Gola Mosca.
Finally, he knew something about the all-mighty badass Xanxus that no one, not Squalo, not Levi, not even the Ninth himself knew...
...it was the fact that Xanxus still wets the bed.
Still, despite all of their massive faults, Lussuria loved each and every one of them, and treated them all equally as if they were the darling children he could never truly have. They were his family. His only family.
Besides, to know such personal things about them...it was all in a day's work for an overly-curious 'house wife', after all!