Looking around at the men in the groom's room, Kevin shook his head violently. "I can't do it! I positively can not do this!" he gasped beginning to hyperventilate.
As shocked eyes turned on him, Dave shoved the young man's head between his knees.
"Do what?" Hotch asked, confused.
"The marriage. I can't marry Pens," Kevin rasped.
"Say what?" Morgan squawked. "Oh, I assure you, you ARE marrying my Baby Girl."
Grabbing Morgan's arm, Hotch stopped him, shaking his dark head as he stared at the young man in front of him.
"Why can't you marry her, Kevin," Hotch asked evenly.
Raising his head, Kevin looked frantically around the room with wide eyes. "How can you stand there and ask me that!? All that stuff you guys said last night…I don't want that to be the life Pens and I have!"
Raising startled eyes to look at the other men in the room, Dave pushed Kevin's head back between his legs. "What the hell did you guys say to him after I left last night?"
Shifting uncomfortably on his feet, Morgan muttered, "Hell, man, I drank a bottle of Jack last night. I said A LOT of things!"
"Well, evidently, something stuck!" Rossi hissed with a meaningful look at Kevin's bent head.
"Garcia and JJ are gonna kill us! I think we might have broke him," Reid said in a small voice as he stared down at the other man.
"Why? What did you tell him, Reid?" Rossi asked, as he looked around the room for a paper bag.
"I might have spouted some divorce statistics for individuals in his age demographic," Reid confessed.
"Oh, Christ! You're right, JJ and Garcia are going to kill us all," Rossi groaned.
"It wasn't my fault! He," Reid said, pointing at Morgan, "made me do shots of tequila with him! Everybody knows I can't drink!"
"I drank tequila, too, last night? I knew I had more of a hangover than usual this morning," Morgan mused.
"Derek, focus!!" Rossi yelled, nodding at Kevin, now sitting upright breathing into a paper bag.
"Oh, yeah…Listen, Kev. You can't pay attention to anything we said last night, man. We were blowing off steam."
"You told me that I'd never sample any other flavor of ice cream as long as I lived! You told me I was crazy to settle for vanilla when there were thirty other flavors out there!" Kevin panted.
"Jesus!" Hotch moaned.
"And you!" Kevin said, pointing a trembling finger at Hotch. "You! You were the worst! Wanna know what that one told me?" Kevin asked Dave very near hysteria.
Sighing, Rossi leaned against the wall. "Probably not, but give it a go, son. I'm a dead man walking anyway."
"HE said that marriage was a life sucking bitch that a man would never recover from. That they suck us in with pretty words and great sex and then yank the rug out from under our feet. They take our house, and kids and money and leave you with this big empty hole in your heart! I don't want any of that!" Kevin yelled frantically.
"Damn, man. Harsh!" Morgan said, looking at Hotch.
"I was drunk, too!" Hotch defended.
"I had one job. ONE!" Rossi yelled, holding up a finger. "Get Kevin through last night unscathed. When I left, he was happy and laughing! In the space of a few hours you three turned him into a quivering mass of goo!"
"I can't do it! I'm sorry, but I can't," Kevin shook his head.
"Yes, son, you can. Marriage is great. There's nothing like it…some one to come home to…to spend your life with! Somebody that loves you unconditionally."
"Did you believe that each of the THREE times YOU walked down the aisle! Huh, Rossi?" Kevin yelped.
"We're not talking about me here, kid!" Rossi ground out. Squatting in front of the younger man, Rossi tried to keep his control, saying, "Listen to me, Kev. If you back out of this, I'm never going to convince your future wife's best friend to marry ME - the father of her unborn child! You don't want that, do you? To be responsible for my daughter not having a whole and happy home!"
"You mean you're gonna try this AGAIN!" Kevin screeched, grabbing Dave by the lapels of his suit. "Are you insane? Man, did you not hear any of the things I told you they said!" Standing abruptly, Kevin yelled, "I need air!"
Grabbing him by the collar before he could escape, Dave ground out, "Uh uh. You're not leaving this room until we convince you that marriage is your only option. I am not going to have to tell JJ that we've ruined the wedding that she's planned for months! She'll cry and I make it a point never to make her cry, Kevin! Then she'll yell, which, depending on what she's yelling, that can be worse! Nope, sorry! Can't let you leave." Shoving him back into the chair Morgan had righted, Dave looked around the room at the other occupants. "FIX. THIS. NOW!!" he roared.
"What the hell can we do, Dave?" Hotch asked. "It's not like we can shove a gun in his back and force him down the aisle."
"Who says!" Morgan yelled.
"The girls are gonna line up to kill us," Reid worried. "I've already crossed JJ once this week. One a week is all you GET! She made that real clear in the beginning."
"Who're you preachin' to, kid? She spent thirty minutes last week detailing to my very hot date the injustices of being pregnant. How one little night could ruin your body for the rest of her natural life," Morgan said with an accusing glare to Rossi.
"Her body is perfect, no matter what shape it is," Rossi sighed.
"Yesterday, she CUT off my Hugo Boss tie! And I really don't think that was the appendage she truly wanted to cut from my body!" Hotch shuddered, looking at Dave.
"Why the hell are you all looking at me like that? You ALL know I'm doing everything I can to convince that woman that I want her and the baby!"
"You got her pregnant," Hotch said reasonably, "therefore, she is YOUR responsibility. Go get her so that she can talk some sense back into that one," he said with a nod at the rapidly breathing Kevin.
"You've lost your fucking mind!" Rossi yelped with widened eyes and a violently shaking head. "There's no way I'm going up there and telling that woman that you three ruined the wedding she's planned for months!"
"Nobody else is going to get through to him," Hotch said, furrowing his brow. "We both know it."
"Then you go get her. No matter how this goes down that little whirlwind is gonna blame me! And, for once, I'm innocent! Completely freaking innocent!"
"Innocent is a bit of a stretch, Chief," Morgan chortled.
"Shut up!" Dave and Hotch yelled in unison.