All those empty questions float around his head as he unlocks the door. Martini scented breath ghosting his ear. High bubbly giggles as he jokes.

A thin hand on his arm, another sliding down his side. "No – not here, my sister- this way…" He's panting, wanting this, it's been so long, tired of waiting…

There's a step there, there's a step there, yes! That feeling of elation that he didn't embarrass himself completely.

Down the hall, lock the door. Lights – no, no. No lights.

Then there's clothes flying across the room and finally, finally, yes!

Blonde hair splayed across his chest, thin hand grasping his hip in contentment. Spencer knows he should be breathing softly like she is now, but he's not. He can't.

That empty feeling floating around his ribcage. Still there.

Eventually, he falls asleep, but not for a long time.

*

He's making chocolate chip pancakes, always a favorite, and she's gone, long gone, sent home as soon as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Carly and Sam are too young to understand the real dynamic of adult life.

Or are they? He shrugs as he flips over a pancake. Nineteen isn't all that young.

But still. Maybe they'll never have to understand. He always hopes Carly can have it better.

Freddie is the first in the kitchen.

"Well good morning, Fredward. Doesn't your mother want to feed you a healthy breakfast?" Spencer jokes, flipping pancakes onto a plate and setting them on the bar in front of Freddie.

Freddie grins. Spencer feels his insides melting like the butter he's putting on his pancakes. "She wants to, but…"

Spencer isn't exactly paying attention to the words coming out of Freddie's mouth, he's more focused on his mouth. He doesn't remember when Freddie grew up, when he became a man, but damn it he's glad he noticed.

When he stops moving his gorgeous, gorgeous mouth, Spencer thinks it might be wise to actually call Sam and Carly downstairs before he carries Freddie off to his room and ravishes him. Actually. He doesn't really need a bed, the couch is also good for ravishing purposes. Hell, he'd do it on the floor if he could just run his fingers over that mouth…

Sam was halfway down the stairs, groggily wiping her eyes when she notices Freddie.

"Dammit Freddie, haven't you made any friends at college that you can stalk?" she growls, sitting next to him at the bar.

Spencer turns around busying himself with more flipping and stealing a fingerful of batter. After another serving is made, he turns back, ready to hand it to his new guest.

"Would you like- oh," Spencer notices Freddie's lack of pancakes, and Sam devouring a plateful that looks remarkably like Freddie's.

"I'm not really hungry anymore, thanks Spencer." Freddie says. Spencer has no time to react though, because the new plate is pulled from his hand by his little sister.

"Thanks Spence! I missed these!" she sits next to Sam, grinning.

"Right – well, uh. If you guys want anymore, there's batter right there, and you can make some, just turn the burner back on. I'll be back in a couple minutes."

He's walking out now, thank god, no more of that teasing grin, or those beautiful lips.

"Spencer, wait." He feels his heart jump up to his throat as his stomach turns to butterflies.

"Freddie?" the boy – man – is following him to his bedroom. He needs to change his sheets, he wants to be alone, please please stop teasing.

"Can I ask you something?" Spencer is trapped now.

"Sure thing, just help me change these sheets," he needs to act casual, just play it cool, it worked with Socko – damn it, don't think about that, nevermind Socko.

Freddie's on the other side of the bed, pulling the sheet off, looking nervous. "This is kind of hard."

"Don't worry, kiddo, it's probably happened to me too and been far worse," he grinned. It's about a girl. Oh god. Not a girl. Just make it worse, Freddie, just stab me in the back.

"That's the problem. I don't think it has." Freddie tosses the balled up dirty sheets to the floor by the door, grabbing the corner of the clean one as Spencer begins to spread it over the mattress.

Spencer isn't sure what to say now, so he lets Freddie chew on his tongue for a while as he tucks the sheets in and spreads the comforter across the bed. There.

Freddie sits, looking forlorn, and Spencer sits next to him, tries to put an arm around him, but he shrugs it off.

"I think I'm gay," he finally mumbles.

Spencer's stomach turns to a frozen block of lead. "Oh."

"You hate me, don't you? That's what Shawn said would happen. He said his older brother-"

"Freddie, I – I don't hate you. I'm just… surprised. I thought you liked Carly… and then there was that Valerie girl, wasn't there?" Spencer says softly. His mind is spinning like a top, like one of his sculptures gone wrong.

Freddie looks at him and Spencer can tell his eyes are swimming with tears.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Spencer. For a while I thought it was just a phase-thing, and that I would grow out of it, but when I got to college I realized that it wasn't, and I met Shawn…" he pauses, sniffling.

*

He's realized that he shouldn't've brought it up, should've left it alone. But he needed to tell someone. His mother wouldn't understand yet, she still thinks he's a baby. Carly and Sam… well Sam would just make fun of him, and Carly wouldn't get it. Spencer's always been like a big brother to him. He figured… but now, seeing that look of pure dread on Spencer's face…

Now he knows it'll never work out.

*

Shawn. Just hearing another man's name kills that glimmer of hope in Spencer's eye. Freddie's shaking now, and Spencer wraps an arm around him, and then Freddie's throwing his arms around Spencer's neck and his shoulder is getting all wet but it's ok…

After several long minutes Freddie finally lets go and Spencer is cold, why didn't he realize it was so cold before? But he doesn't try and pull Freddie back. He can't.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I shouldn't've told you." Freddie wipes his nose on his sleeve, and Spencer automatically grabs him a tissue from the nightstand.

"It's ok Freddie. You know what? I'm bi." Spencer smiles gently. "I understand what it's like."

Freddie smiles. "Thanks Spencer. I'm glad I told you. And… I… Can I come talk to you again? If I need to?"

Spencer grins, "Of course, Freddo. Anytime you want."

And now he's thinking that maybe there is a chance, and he can only grin more as Freddie walks out, every inch of him as gorgeous as anything.

A/N - I know, the obligatory author's notes!

But honestly, reviews are much appreciated, because I really don't know where I want to go with this, if anywhere. Do you guys want to see this Shawn guy, or more Carly and Sam? Or hear about Socko? Should I develop this into anything? Or is it good the way it is? Any feedback is wonderful! Thanks for reading!