Staring blankly out of the window for a moment, Barney slowly slid it shut. Remembering that he still had a full box of bullets, he put on his holster and loaded his gun. Once outside, Barney headed off at a brisk walk for the barbershop.
This night, he thought to himself, the shadows weren't ominous at all. They were more like fungus or mold, making Mayberry look like a town that had long outlived its expiration date. Looking in vain for signs of Earnest, Barney heard the rumbling of the loud car. Ducking behind a lamppost, he watched it go by.
It wasn't a car but a large truck with a flat bed that had wooden slat sides. Barney couldn't help but notice that the truck had no lights whatsoever as it lumbered slowly down the street. It rolled to a stop at the barber shop, and then backed into an ally.
Andy eased the trucks' door shut as he got out. Barney had to bite his tongue to keep from calling to him as Andy entered Floyds. Barney couldn't help but notice that Andy didn't look like himself. He didn't look like the friendly sheriff. Barney couldn't decide what he was looking at. This Andy puzzled Barney.
After waiting a minute or two, Barney walked across the street and tried the door. It was locked and the shade was drawn, but he could tell there was some light coming from the back room. Barney thought of picking the lock, and then he suddenly remembered that he didn't know how. A sharp scream and loud thud from inside goaded him to look for other options.
He circled the barber shop and found a window open. Climbing onto the back of the truck he noticed that his foot wanted to stick. Looking down, he noticed that there was some kind of congealed substance all over it. He quickly scrambled up the side planks to get to the window. Barney ducked through it, and fell into the backroom.
"I never thought youhad it in you Barn," Andy said as Barney drew himself off the floor. When he looked up, he felt like he couldn't see. His eyes were working, but the picture they presented him with made absolutely no sense.
"I never thought I'd have to worry about you, the bumbling deputy, catching up with me," Andy started again.
"What is THIS!" asked Barney as the images of the scene started to seep into his brain. "Holy SHIT Andy what the fuck are you doing?!"
Andy had Floyd in a half nelson hold. Floyd, bulging eyes looking out from a purple face, was gurgling up blue vomit. When Andy let go of him, he fell to the floor with a light splash as he convulsed in his own puddle. Behind Andy, sitting up in the corner and unconscious, was an older, heavyset woman with long grey hair. She was wearing a leather bustier and thong with patent leather knee boots. Whips, handcuffs, and small implements of torture lay spilled from a basket near her hand.
Barney felt as though he were having a stroke as he realized that that was Aunt Bee.
"If you must know, Barney, I'm just doing my job. I'm keeping Mayberry just the way we like it."
"How… how do we like it," Barney struggled.
"Oh, you know, free of killers and druggies"
"What about Floyd?"
"You really are just too damn dense Barney, just look at him. Look at Aunt Bee!" Andy started getting a little red faced, "do you think I can have a bunch of sexual perverts like this running around in my town?
"I've worked so fucking hard to keep this pleasant little town preserved against all the bullshit that would warp it up, or tarnish it, and what thanks do I get?!" he asked of Barney, "I get these sexual fucking weirdoes here and a deputy that's too damn nosey for his own good."
"You killed Floyd because of that?" Asked Barney "That's it?"
"Well he had it coming, Barn," said Andy a little calmer, "He never could get my sideburns even." He paused, grinning. "What do you think, Barney?" he asked jovially, showing him the box he had in his hand, "Barbicide. It's the concentrated powder. It sure did the job though, just like the name says; it killed the barber."
"Just how many people have you killed Andy?"
"I kill anybody that don't belong in my town, Barney," explained Andy in a serious tone. "Any rotten apple I find has to be culled from the barrel. Any cancer has to be surgically removed. Any deviant from the social norm in my town has got to be exterminated like the vermin that they are. They all eventually wind up on the back of the meat wagon out there"
"You killed Goober, Otis, and the Darlins, didn't you," Barney accused in sudden realization. "Why?"
"How could you miss the obvious, Barn. Goober was a fag. Just look at his name. Look at that stupid hat he wore. He was a flamer! Otis was a meth user, and the Darlins were making it for him," Andy confessed.
"So before you go calling anybody or trying to arrest me, just remember, you killed the Darlins. You're just as guilty as I am. We'll probably even share a cell up in central if you try an' have me arrested."
"I don't care, this has to stop," Barney said grabbing his pistol. He pulled, but it wouldn't come free of the holster. Andy, watching, started to laugh.
"That never gets old, you and that holster. You know I made that holster especially for you Barn, for an occasion just like this." Barney looked down at the holster, and when he looked up, Andy had a pistol drawn on him.
"That's more like a Chinese handcuff than a gun holster. You have to be calm to get you pistol. The moment you grab and jerk, it just tightens down on it.
"That holster was my insurance policy that I could get the drop on you in a gun fight, and it looks like it's paid off in spades. Now I guess I'll be needing a new deputy," Andy said without any regret, taking aim. "So long Bahrrhh…"
His voice trailed off as he fell forward on top of Floyd, the back of his head all caved in. Barney looked with mixed relief and disbelief at Aunt Bee standing rubbing her forehead with one hand, and gripping a bloody morning star in the other.
"Thanks Aunt Bee," said Barney walking over to help steady her, "If you hadn't done that, I'd be a goner."
"Your welcome Barney, just trying to save my own ass as well." Barney helped her over to a Barber chair. Sitting down she asked, "What are you going to do Barney? Are you going to call like you did last night, or are you going take Andy's seat in the meat wagon out there?"
Barney didn't have to think long before telling her, "I'm calling it in. You know, I can cover for you if you don't want to be here."
"Thank you, Barney, but I'm perfectly capable of answering any questions." It was strange for Barney hearing Aunt Bees' voice coming from the dominatrix that now had replaced her.
"Maybe you would like to go get changed."
"What for, I'm good like this."
"I guess you are," Barney said smiling inwardly a little as he picked up the phone.