Chatty Plunnies
By: Dragon-sama
Inspired by/with: Tsugumi Winters, White Mage Koorii, Mikazuki Hime, Kairi922, International DCFanficNut 1207, setojoufan, and mangaluva.
Things to note: Almost all KaiShin, all short, and may or may not be "complete".

These are a collection of my on-the-spot writing while chatting with Tsu-chan. They will not be expanded, but they were fun and so I thought I'd share. Surrounding commentary is just so you know where our minds were at the time. :) Now including chats with Koorii-chan, Mika-chan, Kairi-chan, and Key-chan! Jou-chan and Chu-chan have joined us! (My KaiShin army, it groooows~!)

Koorii-chan: Man, why does Conan think things are a dying message so often?
Koorii-chan: Honestly. It's CIGARETTES
Koorii-chan: XD

Dragon-sama: Because they are? XD

Koorii-chan: Well yes

Dragon-sama: ....We should so do a sequel to Murder for Dummies. Detectiving for Dummies

Koorii-chan: Detective Work for Dummies
Koorii-chan: I don't think Detectiving is a word

"1. It is always a murder. Always."

Rookie Officer Tanaka Kenji looked up from the thin booklet in confusion. Surely this was a joke? But no, Megure-keibu was nodding at him encouragingly, and the rest of the Unit 1 homicide team was also looking as if this was a perfectly normal procedure. Kenji was sure they were just making fun of the new guy, but he figured he'd play along. He cleared his throat, and continued.

"2. The murderer always uses some highly convoluted method. EVERYTHING is a murder weapon.

"3. The murderer is always nearby, on scene, and probably the one to 'discover' the body.

"4. The firmer the alibi, the more likely they are to be the murderer

"5. If there is a bloody knife nearby, a person laughing on the floor next to the body with bloody hands claiming they killed the bastard, then it was definitely the butler with the toothbrush. Go searching trash cans and under table mats to acquire the necessary proof.

"6. Having as much obscure knowledge as possible is recommended. Murderers and victims (and annoying thieves) often reference obscure information that you must decode.

"7. If you want to avoid getting caught up in a murder, avoid making the acquaintance of a group of strangers, all of whom have a grudge of some sort against one of their number."

"Or just avoid Conan-kun," Shiratori muttered, wilting under the fierce protective glare Satou shot him. Kenji blinked, filing the name away like a good little cop. Takagi nudged him, and he glanced down again at the list.

"8. If people randomly fall asleep on the scene, ignore this. It is a natural process of case solving and should be left alone....what?" Kenji had to stop at this.

"No, it's true! Sleeping Kogoro does it most often, but anytime someone is hit with a case of narcolepsy, they're sure to solve the case in no time!" Chiba said brightly, nodding confidently. Kenji stared. This was going a bit far for a joke, right?

"Continue, Tanaka-kun," Megure-keibu said gruffly, waving an impatient hand. Kenji did so.

"9. Don't ignore the little kid in spectacles. He is the One Truth."

And that's not weird at all, he thought sardonically, though he didn't voice the sentiment.

"10. If the victim had time, there will be a dying message. Always. Keep an eye out for obscure items that could be used to leave this message.

"Addendum: Or keep an eye out for perfectly normal things. Those are dying messages too

"Addendum 2: Every dying message is ridiculously complicated that no sane dying person would ever think of in that last second

"Addendum 3: An obvious dying message is a red herring left by the killer. Disregard it completely."

"Isn't that a little contradictory?" Kenji asked hesitantly.

"Well, coupled with the other rules, there's rarely any confusion on the matter," Satou replied.

"11. Don't forget to have a tag line, or some sort of pretentious pose for when you give your deduction. It's the only way to get your point across thoroughly---okay really now. This is funny and all, but come on! Are you serious?" Kenji cried in disbelief.

"Tanaka-san, I know it's kind of odd, but you really do need to memorize these if you want to work in the Beika police force," Takagi said soothingly.

"...What?" Kenji couldn't quite wrap his mind around this. Satou sighed, yanking the booklet out of his hand and continuing reading out the rules.

"12. While giving your deduction be sure to explain everything in detail. Thoroughly, so no one can doubt you despite the absurdity of your theory.

"Addendum: Do this before searching them for the weapon, which would save a lot of time and therefore be too simple.

"13. Never listen to ordinary police officers or detectives. They have no clue what they are doing, nor do they have the right answer."

"And you're okay with this?" Kenji whispered to Takagi, who at least seemed nice enough despite being in on this horrible joke.

"Uh, well, you get used to it," the man replied, blushing as Satou once again threw a glare at them for interrupting.

"14. Reverse Occam's Razor. The most complicated answer is probably the right one.

"15. Your murderer is likely to give up the goat as soon as you extrapolate on what they've done and start babbling their motive. Usually it's some petty sob story, don't let them get to you!

"16. Be wary about any future contact with the survivors of the case. They will probably drag you into further cases.

"17. When you see bespectacled midgets smirking, you know its all over. Just pack it in and watch the show, this case has already been solved.

"18. If the detective solving the case appears badly ill or has a high enough fever to produce steam, do not call an ambulance. He will hold out just long enough to solve the case and make his own way to safety, despite appearing barely able to stand.

"19. Despite what Wizard of Oz tells you it's a good idea to ignore the man or, rather, boy behind the proverbial curtain. It's for your sanity, really.

"20. Pay no attention to conscious detectives. They will be talking rubbish.

"21. If you have a black out and wake up to find you've solved the case, don't worry about it. Just accept the praise and move on."

"Did I hear that right?"

"Yes."

"...Oh."

"22. If more than one detective is on scene, pay attention to the shortest and youngest of the lot.

"23. High school detectives are more competent that any other breed of detective. If one shows up you're screwed.

"Addendum: But elementary detectives blow them out of the water.

"24. If there is a murder, first check to see if any grade-school or high-school boys are present. If they are, you can kick back and relax, the case'll be solved in no time.

"25. If you're ever in a remote area when a murder happens, no matter WHAT you WILL be stranded. Somehow all phones, roads, vehicles will stop functioning.

"26. Make sure everyone is confined to their room, or still together. It's not likely to help, but it gives you more basis for cracking their alibis!

"27. There will always be enough clues on scene to solve the case within the hour. Don't worry about working over time!"

Kenji waited patiently for the laughter. And waited.

"Did you get all that, Tanaka-kun?" Megure-keibu asked.

"Uh..."

"Well, don't worry too much!" Satou said brightly, handing him the booklet again. "You'll pick it up in no time!"

Kenji wondered if it was too late to transfer to another precinct.

Dragon-sama: *looks shifty*

Koorii-chan: XDDD

Dragon-sama: We're totally repeating ourselves now. XD

Koorii-chan: Yeaaah
Koorii-chan: XDD

Chu-chan: Great minds think alike?

Koorii-chan: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BOOK NEEDS

Dragon-sama: WHAT DOES IT NEED?

Koorii-chan: IT NEEDS A SPECIAL THIEF CATCHING SECTION

Dragon-sama: OH MY YES

Chu-chan: XD

"1. If Edogawa Conan is present, do not ever admit Kudou Shinichi to the scene."

"Are you two really writing that thing?"

"Yes."

"Yup!"

"...Why?"

The sound of snickering.

"2. The dogpile will not work. Give it up.

"3. Should your thief provide you with a note proclaiming the location, time, and target of their heist, feel free to bring popcorn and enjoy the show. It's not like you'll catch him anyway

"4. 95% of the time the thief will be cross-dressing."

"'Cause he's a pervert."

"Am not!"

"Ice cream."

"...Okay, yeah."

"Oh god...can I leave now?"

"Not unless you take me with ya,"

"Mindless stupidity or brainless stupidity..."

"Oi!"

"5. Ignore any discrepancy of time. If your thief disappears for 8 years, he will be back as active as ever. There's nothing strange about this at all.

"6. Nothing is impossible. Not ever."

"Until I figure out your stupid tricks!"

"But you always do it too late~!"

"Sorry if I'm not as insane as you!"

"We can't all be perfect!"

"7. Gas masks are for wimps. You needed the beauty sleep anyway

"8. Feel free to make up complicated security plans. It's always good to keep your thief entertained!

"9. Just wait on the roof. He'll go up there eventually.

"10. No female officers. Unless they are mop-wielders, they will be no use at all."

"11. If you're thief is extremely talented, it's a good idea to make assumptions that he is talented in all things. Master thieves have no flaws!

"Addendum: Except, possibly, ice skating"

"Hey! How did you know?"

"Aoko told me." Smirk. "She thinks I'm cute."

"Note to self; hide next heist in skating rink."

"Can you ice skate?"

"Of course. Holmes kept himself in good physical condition; what makes you think I wouldn't do the same?"

"Sorry I asked...(Holmes geek)."

"I heard that."

"12. White never stains, gets dirty, or mussed. Also, top hats can stay on, even in hurricane winds. Always dress your best!"

"Stupidly. Always dress stupidly."

"As if you can talk! Your dress sense is worse than Hakuba's!"

"Excuse me!"

"He has a point."

"Hattori. I will kick you."

"And I will set Watson on you both."

"Uh...what's next again?"

"13. Give everyone and absurdly long ID number which they will never remember. If they do, they are obviously your thief.

"Addendum: Brought to you by the Kudou Shinichi school of thought!"

"That was mean~"

"And you fell for it."

"Still mean..."

"14. Conveniently ignore the amazingly perfect suspect that your child/you are friends with, unless you're a high school detective. They are obviously not the thief. What were you thinking?"

"I finally understand."

"What?"

"What could drive a person to murder." Glare.

"Hey now, don't be hasty! You wouldn't want Tantei-kun here to throw you in jail, after all!"

"Oh, I don't know. I think this would be the one case I just couldn't solve. Don't you think Hattori?"

"Man, if Kudou can't solve it, it must be impossible!"

"...I hate detectives."

"Brat thief."

"Chibi."

A/N: Uh...no ending chat, 'cause yesterday was a bad day and no one was being very enthusiastic (namely me). THIS CHAPTER WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME, KOORII, AND CHU!