DC: I don't own it

Summary: Every night I drift further and further into the recesses of my own mind. Further than Edward's mind can probe. Further than Jasper can reach me. I can't escape that place, even in my new life. Can a vampire lose grip on reality and slip back into insanity? Darkfic AxJ

Very dark themes. I can't for the life of me remember where Alice is from. I'm thinking Louisiana for some reason. Anyway I'm trying to write this a little differently. Especially as the story goes on. Her present and her memories will start to overlap.

Chapter 1,

The funny thing about chain reactions was how nobody ever expected them. Well some of them were obvious. Carlisle crashing his car because of a reckless driver was obviously going to mean more work for Charlie, an increase in both insurance premiums and a nice job for Martin at the autoshop because unlike myself Carlisle is attached to his cars and doesn't seem to realize that you can just buy a new one.

Usually I'm pretty good about predicting chain reactions. I can predict everything from the weather to human lives. I jumped up into a tree and sighed. It started with a tape. It was meant to torment Edward, and believe me the pussy hasn't shut up about it, but I was the one feeling its effects the hardest. That tape held the match that would spark light over the darkness of my memories. I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to ignore them. How was I supposed to go about doing that? Emmett and Rosalie were away in Africa pretending to be away at college when really Emmett was doing something stupid like poking an elephant with a stick. Yep, he just got stepped on. So I couldn't work on the fashion program with Rosie.

Edward was gone. After we nearly killed Bella we had to leave. I missed her and I missed him. But at least I had Jasper for company.

Speaking of Jasper...

"Oh my Alice, always lost in wonderland," Jasper teased from the base of the tree. I smiled and slipped down into his arms. We were alone. We liked to save our kisses for private. Pecks on the cheek or forehead don't count. A kiss kiss was when he cradled my cheeks with his gentle rough hands and touched his lips to mine. I touched his scarred face and he smiled at me.

"If I am do you plan to find me?" I asked, twisting some of his hair around my finger. He was much taller than I was but I liked it. I was his pixie. I was his life and he was mine.

"I'll always come and find you."

He held my hand and we walked through the forest. It was summer and wet. My bare feet sunk into the ground a bit. It reminded me of the hot summers in Louisiana. I was loving what I could remember. A small yellow cottage shaded by trees dripping with spanish moss. The ground seemed to always be spongy. I remember liking to walk barefoot in it because I couldn't stand heels.

Wow things had changed.

"Remembering something wonderful?" Jasper asked.

"My home," I answered, "how it was always sticky outside and inside from the kids."

"Kids?"

"One," I answered with a slight smile, "I married young. I was fifteen and had my son at sixteen."

"Old fashioned," he teased. He had a point. Around that time history class told me that people were marrying later.

"I suppose. I remember wanting one of those big dresses like the wealthy women had."

"Just say what one and I'll get it for you," he promised. I smiled at him. He spoiled me.

I was happy to have memories. To know who I was. For so long I would listen to the others talk about their lives as humans and I could never contribute. But now I knew my beginning. I was a housewife in the deep south. I made cajun dishes that were spicy and bursting with flavor. I tucked my babies into bed and sang them lullabies. I also knew my ending. I was alone and in an institution. But I was going to focus on the positive. I had a man that loved me back then and a man that loves me now.

Without warning I jumped into Jasper's arms and hugged him tight. He was a bit surprised but hugged me anyway.

---

Jasper read to me that night. Carlisle was playing the piano for Esme. He wasn't as good as Edward who had just that much free time on his hands but I wasn't going to hold it against him. I listened to Jasper's silken voice read the third installment of a series we both enjoyed about a mind reader from Louisiana and the vampires in her life. This one was a good one and I was getting worked up. Like with any good series I usually shipped a couple. Jasper generally didn't but this time he was rooting for the main character to stay with her vampire boyfriend.

I wanted it otherwise and we had a bet going on who would get their way.

But I wasn't in the mood for vampire stories. Well, at least not this one. I was interested in a different kind of vampire. I leaned up and whispered in his ear, smiling as he shivered a bit at my suggestion to go up to the bedroom.

Nobody made love like Jasper. Sure I had fuzzy memories of one other person, but still. I tilted my head back as he kissed my neck slowly. The man was a god when it came to this. He didn't know just how truly sexy he was. He looked at me with his long hair hanging around his face. I smiled and kissed him. We had a battle for dominance and I just gave in. As he massaged my tongue with his and thoroughly kissed me, he caressed my breast and teased my nipple. I moaned into his mouth and heard him chuckle.

Downstairs I could hear Carlisle sigh. I knew what was coming next.

"Looks like we've got competition," I giggled.

"Well let's show the old folks how it's done," Jasper purred.

---

I was married to Harry Wilson on a sticky afternoon in late summer. I was fifteen and he was twenty. I wore my mother's dress with a lace veil. It was the only time I wore a big dress with a hoop skirt and everything. I felt like a southern plantation belle.

I was nervous that night. I wore nothing but my cotton chemise. He was much bigger than I was and more experienced as he had been married once before. His wife had died in childbirth. That thought scared me. I was a tiny thing, I wasn't near ready to be a mom or anything like that. He sat on the bed and I joined him. He laid me back and slid my chemise up to my stomach. He stroked me a bit but I was too nervous to think about the way it felt. He kissed my lips and once on my neck.

"I apologize if I hurt you," he said.

Hurt me?! I knew absolutely nothing about what was about to happen! I looked up at him nervously. He kissed my forehead and I nearly yelped in surprise as he slid into me. I had no idea what was going to happen but I didn't expect that! He moved a bit and grunted. There was an odd slapping noise but I had no idea what it was. Then he stiffened a bit and a few seconds later he pulled out of me.

"Goodnight Alice," he murmured.

I nodded. I turned onto my side and I felt a small tickle in my stomach when he put his arm around my waist and held my hand.

"I love you Alice, even if I can't show it."

"I love you too Harry," I mumbled. He kissed my cheek and we fell asleep.

---

"What are you thinking about?" Jasper asked with a smile against my forehead as we laid in bed.

"The first time I had sex. He was very unenthusiastic and dull compared to you but it was pretty good for a first time. It didn't hurt."

"Well as long as I am the best," Jasper shrugged. We weren't newborns but sometimes it seemed like it. I straddled his hips and he smiled at me. I loved when he held my hands with his, they covered them completely. I was incredibly tiny. Somehow Jasper made me feel like that was the best part of me. He came up and kissed me. He held our hands between us, against where his heart would be. "Walking into that diner was the best decision I ever made."

I smiled. He often told me that even if he didn't need to. I slid my hands out of his and hugged him tight around his neck. He hugged me back with enough strength to shatter a human. "I love you Jasper."

In public we weren't really a couple. Sure we held hands and sometimes a kiss on the cheek here or there. But in private we were soul mates. I don't think it was possible for me to be this happy in my human life with my husband. I don't think he held me the way Jasper did or made me feel as perfect and desired. I don't think he smelled as good either. Jasper, who smelled like cinnamon and vanilla for some reason, smelled like my favorite candle sore. Then again vampires were meant to smell nice. Edward and Esme smelled like flowers (and he wonders why we thought he was gay), Carlisle smelled like the hospital so strongly that we couldn't pick up his natural scent, Emmett smelled like the woods after the rain and Rosalie bothered with perfume even though she had a soft fruity scent.

As for me? I don't know exactly what I smelled like. Jasper said I smell like a summers day in the south. I was sure I didn't smell like a swamp. He said that if he laid beside me and closed his eyes he'd think that he was outside because of my scent.

I loved my Jazzy. Possessive? Maybe. He had offers from human girls before but politely turned them down before walking with his hand in mine. Vampire girls could see his scars and therefore tended to go for Edward. Who would promptly turn them down reinforcing our gay theory.

I loved his scars. As we laid in our bed I traced them with my finger.

"I know they're horrific memories of your time in the wars, but your scars are so sexy."

He laughed as he always did. He knew that I desired him probably even more than I did when I met him.

"Well your flawless skin is sexy," he said.

"Jazzy," I said in my sugar sweet voice, "I love you."

"I love you too. What do you want?"

"To go to the mall."

He chuckled and sat up. He usually gave me what I wanted.

---

I know it was a huge tourist attraction but I still thought that the mall was lacking something. But then again I had been shopping in all the fashion capitals in the world. I suppose it had a sort of charm to it. Three floors, a movie theatre, a massive food court, several shops and a small amusement park in the center.

Then there was the lego center where Jasper was happily picking out what he wanted. He loved making models out of legos. There was a platform set up by the elevator where they were having a guitar hero contest.

"What about you little lady?" the host asked me.

I hated being called little lady.

"Think you can take on our champion?"

"Like a girl could beat me," the champ muttered under his breath.

"Sure, why not," I shrugged. I got up on the platform and he handed me the guitar. "Okay I just push these buttons and move this white thing?" I asked in a sugar sweet voice.

"Uh huh."

I flipped my setting on expert and he looked at me like I was nuts.

"Go!"

Was I the only person in the world that thought Freebird was overrated and not even that good? I pondered that while I hit every single note perfectly. There were a lot of songs out that got a big hype but I couldn't stand. Like that whiny song about the girl on the subway being beautiful. Stalker much!? Jasper sang it to me once when he was mad at me. That song was playing on the radio. It reminded me of a song that Edward would sing.

Wow I had a lot of animosity towards my brother lately. But then again Bella was becoming one of my dear friends and he decided to push us away from her. Selfish brat. I loved that house too! I lost my friend and my house! Edward was off moping too. I mean if you love her so much then suck it up and bite her already! She wants to be a vampire.

I had don't fear the reaper stuck in my head and I kind of wanted to know why.

After the song I went to find Jasper. He was standing with several lego bags.

"Jasper Hale you are a child," I teased.

He picked up the bags and we walked into the small park. He paid for some tickets and we got onto the roller coaster. We laughed the entire time. After we got off we went to all my favorite stores and I had a reward for Jasper because he was being so good about this.

"You have one job," I said, sitting him down on a frilly bench.

"Do I?"

"You have to tell me how each garment looks on me."

I had thrown him off by shopping in a department store. He was expecting the sun dresses he had seen, not what I had hidden underneath.

"Alice will I still be young when you get done in there?" he asked with a laugh.

"You tell me," I murmured. I opened the dressing room door and his eyes popped. I wore a pink lace teddy with a web of black lace over my breasts.

Then Jasper did something I never dreamed he's have the courage to do. He pushed me back into the dressing room, locking the door behind us, and pushed me gently onto the bench. We couldn't have full sex because of our combined strengths, so I expected him to make out with me. I'm rarely surprised, but I certainly was when he spread my legs and ravished me with his tongue.

I had no choice but to buy the teddy after that reaction.

---

I remember hating Harry as I pushed his child out. It was spring and hot. It was even hotter because my face was flushed and I was working every muscle I had. Even my toes! My mother held my shoulders and moped my forehead.

"You're doing beautifully Alice," she beamed, "I'm so proud of you!"

I just screamed, drowning out the midwife's coaching. My head was going to burst. I was scared because of a dream I had where I almost died.

"Alice...stop pushing for a moment..."

GLADLY!

I fell against my mother, my head spinning. The midwife was telling me that the baby was coming out buttocks forward. My mother's shoulder made a nice pillow.

"He...okay...gonna...born..."

I wasn't coherent. The pain was overwhelming. My body wanted to expel the baby but couldn't.

The midwife dug into her bag. She called for the doctor who was waiting if there was a problem. I requested it out of fear. He came in. Through my blurry eyes I could see blonde hair and his touch was icy cold. He cut into me and I seemed to lose my focus. He coached me and soon my son was born. But the doctor wasn't done. He cleaned me up and examined the baby. Then everything went black.

---

I don't know if I had fainted or couldn't remember more. But I realized I knew how I could find out.

"Carlisle," I said, walking into his study. He looked up from the medical journal he was reading.

"What's up?"

"Were you ever in Louisiana?"

"For a short while. A month or so. It was too sunny."

"I think you delivered my baby when I was human."

Carlisle thought for a moment. When he put effort into it, he could remember almost every patient he ever had.

"A breech baby right?"

I nodded.

"Well how about that," he chuckled. "I'm surprised you remember that."

"I keep getting memories from my past. It started with that video James left behind."

Carlisle was smiling. He was always happy when we did amazing things. Clearly remembering bits of my human life after a century of nothing was amazing to him.

"I don't know if there's more memory there or if I blacked out."

"Oh you blacked out from the pain. Sweetie I had to basically cut the baby out with nothing to numb the pain. I highly doubt you had any other children. You almost died. Would have if your mother hadn't called me to supervise."

"I had a dream the night before. A premonition."

Carlisle looked serious. I wished I was Edward and could see his mind. I wanted to know why he was looking so seriously at me.

"You gonna share with the class or should I just leave?" I asked.

"Do your memories seem to have any particular order?"

I shrugged. I only had about five new ones and loads of trivial ones like my favorite color, foods or where I buried the puppy that died when I was seven. Why?"

"I'm just worried...I can't imagine the time you spent in the institution was happy."

That was obvious. I knew he was worried but I was curious. I actually enjoyed finding out who I was. It was like reading a diary that had been lost for years. I wanted to know who I was in both lives.

"Don't worry Carlisle, I'll be fine," I assured him. He smiled his warm smile and I left. I went into the living room and stretched out in the sunlight under the bay window. If I could sleep this would have been the perfect place to take a nap. So I grabbed a book and read it instead. I know Carlisle had the best of intentions but there was nothing wrong with remembering my past. Besides the asylum what was there that could hurt me? Also, I was a vampire and my mind worked differently. I would just ignore anything bad. I wasn't Edward after all. I'm not one to dwell.

TBC

Like it? Hate it? Let me know. I've written in first person once but this is the first time I'm going to try a foggy stream of consciousness. I hope I can do it without being too confusing, I don't want to turn this into Memento or something. And now I'm picturing Guy Pierce playing Jasper. Yummy.