Over the years, I have seen many things. Many things I would like to forgot and things that I would never want to forgot. But there are memories that still haunt my mind though I know that I shouldn't worry as much as I do about it. This little thing that keeps picking at my thoughts and my heart may never go away but I know that I will have to be the stronger out of us two. I must be the pillars on which our love will always stand on.

He tells me that it's nothing; that those heart aching coughs are nothing but mere coughs. I never believe him for a second. Though I know those lies he tells me are for m own good, I will never believe in such lies. The way he slowly works his way around this terrible, terrible sickness and how he seems to not get past one day without falling to his knees and emitting so much blood, just always pains me to watch.


Is that all I can do? Is that all that I can give him besides comforting words and a pat on the back? Pathetic. That's what I think. Though the simple things make him smile, it does not satisfy me one bit.

I wish he would listen to me. He knows the laws and he knows the rules of this damned Seireitei that we live in but damn it I don't care! I always tell him that I'm there for him. I'm a shoulder for him to cry on and a pair of strong arms to hold him close and give him support. But he thinks that if he gives into to such warmth that all will find out and that he will lose me.

Jeez... how many times have I promised that I would let no know find out about these heated passions that we have toward each other? I can't even remember now…

All those nights that I would hear him moan my name when slowly I moved inside of him… all those times he would eagerly crash his lips to mine in a hot passionate kiss… and all those times that he would soundly sleep in my arms daring cold tiring nights of winter that he would know that nothing would happen to us.

Once he told me that we could not be together. He said that I should move on and find a much more stronger and reliable mate to spent my many, many years to come with. I just simply laughed and gave him a kiss on the forehead as I told him that I guess I was stuck with him. Oh how he cried at those words. I could tell that it pained him just to tell me what he did and that he really didn't want me to leave but I know he was just thinking in my best interests. If only he would listen to me all those nights I layed there, gently stroking his beautiful white long hair when I told him that I loved him.

He's such a silly boy he is… All those emotions and pains that were mixed up inside of him always messed with his thoughts. He would sit there sometimes and tell me that he was confused about everything and how he really never understood much of what happened around him. I think that maybe he was always too worked up about things that didn't matter such as work and the law.

I pitied him though I knew that I really should never do such a thing but who wouldn't? He looked so scared sometimes as he would just curl up into a tight ball in my arms and silently cry his weak little heart out.

Why would such terrible things happen to such a beautiful and sweet man? It was a one in a million shot and just for his luck, he was that one in the millions. I suppose that it was just him that would always be like that…

I wonder… I wonder if I would have met him if he was never sick. The first time I met the beautiful soul was when I was making my first class skip of the day to go and take a nap under a tree on it a field, far away from everything when I saw him kneeling down in a group of flowers as he fixed them up to make them look their prettiest. That is when I fell in love with him but I thought that surely a man of such beauty already had someone to hold close. So I walked on by after I gave him a smile and a nod.

But then once I settled myself down under that tree and began to doze off, I heard the most offal sound of coughing and wheezing. I soon discovered that it was that same soul that I had fall in love with that was belt over and emitting blood all over the flowers that he had just fixed up.

That moment right there is when I started to become very close to that boy. Soon after we both graduated from the Soul Reaper Acdemy I told him about the feelings that had been building up inside of me like a terrible over the ocean's waters and he smiled. Not the normal smile I would get from him when I would see him of when I made him laugh. No. This smile was just more warm and happy then the others.

That moment there is when he told me that he loved me too then we just… always stuck together after words; always backing the other one up.

But now… there is no one to do such things… no one for me to wrap my arms around or to kiss good night… no one to make feel so alive or to just hold hands with as we both slowly fell asleep next to each other…No. There is no one there for it now.

Damn it! That damned sickness had taken him away from me! Now look at what I am now! I'm a fucken alcoholic and worse than before! I've been to the God damn 4th division more time for alcohol poisoning then that beloved soul had when he was breathing!

It's sad really… to think that I thought he was the weak one when really it was me…

I wonder if he ever saw it… saw the pain and weakness I was going through when he was doing the same. Geez Liwese… maybe from all these bad things that are happening will make a stronger man out of me… But I don't think it will matter anymore… There isn't anyone by my side for me to be strong for… other then myself…


AUTHOR'S NOTE: ok say it... say it... i'm an ass i know... but i was a bit sad when i wrote this and i was listening to sad music. in case you haven't figured it out by now... it's Shunsui talking about Jyuushirou and him and what they've gone through together. and yes this is after Ukitake's death. please don't kill me for killing him. *hides*