A Cigar, a Beer and the Night

Disclaimer in Shadows Calling.

Summary: "If I had the chance, love...I would not hesitate. To tell you all the things I never said before. Don't tell me it's too late." Logan figures some things out. Inspired by Sarah McLachlan's "Dirty Little Secret".


If only all of life could be as simple as this. A cigar in one hand, a beer in the other, and the stillness of late night at Mutant High. Didn't figure myself for a lone philosopher, knew the loner part, though. But yeah, I sit here and I find myself trying to work things out. Sure I'm pissed as all hell at Wheels for not telling me what I wanted to know, but I'm puttin' more stock in his "when you're ready" and all that crap.

But nothin's simple anymore, not now that she ran off. I'da asked where she'd gotten the idea that runnin' would solve anything...

'Cept I know.

I feel the Icicle's eyes on me all the time now. Hell, not just him, all her little friends. Like I drove her off, or let her down, like it's my fault she left.

Sittin' here in the dark, I can admit it though. It just might be my fault. Hell, who am I kidding. I know it is. Her friends may be little kids, but not Marie. Never Marie. Not since I met her, and probably not since long before. And I'm a damned fool for not seeing it sooner.

Might surprise people to know that I'm not worried about her being out there. I know she can take care of herself. Just wish...just wish she didn't think she had to. I promised her I'd...

Yeah, and then I went running off to try to find some of the missing pieces, came back, and was willing to sell her out again when Stryker showed up. If she hadn't come back for me, I'd probably have stood right there like a goddamn bull's-eye, hoping Stryker would tell me what the hell I was, where I came from, who I was before the claws.

And, ass that I am, part of me nursed a grudge against her for it. Long gone though, but not fast enough, I guess. I can `fess up to it now, now that I've gone and screwed things up royally.

Don't know why I stay here. Ain't like I got any friends left. With Jean gone, Marie was the only thing I had. Not like I ever treated her like that.

And ain't that the problem, dumbass? Marie had no idea how much she means to me. I lost the chance to prove to Jean that I could be the good guy. But just to prove how much I'm *not* the good guy, how about neglecting my one tie to the rest of the world? The one person who put up with my crap and still cared? Yep, mission accomplished.

Damn it. I'm an ass. And now they're both gone. I don't know which one bugs me more, that Jean sacrificed herself, or that Marie ran off because...

`Cause I didn't tell her how much she means to me. `Cause she thought that everyone just saw her as a poor little girl, distant and unstable. And I never gave her any reason to think that I saw more, that I saw her as she really is.

She's Marie. Crazy and stubborn, brave and naïve, and too damned young to be so damned old. And just like everyone else, I figured if I just left her alone, if I didn't interfere in her life, that she might be able to be young again.

But I should've known better. I should've trusted my damned instincts and talked to her.

But I will, this time. Just have to find her. But when I do, and that's "when", bub and don't you forget it, I'll tell her. I'll talk to her. And if I'm real lucky, maybe she'll talk to me too.

She's all I've got left now. I need her.

But more than that. I can admit it while it's just me, the cigar, the beer and the night. I lo –

Nah. She deserves to hear it first.


A.N.: Hope you enjoyed, was in a really angsty music mood, can you tell? Hope you enjoyed!

Dirty Little Secret, Sarah McLachlan

If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late

[Chorus:]
'Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night.
And I denied in my capacity to love
But I am willing to give up this fight

I've been up all night drinking
To drown my sorrow down
Nothing seems to help me since you went away
I'm so tired of this town
Where every tongue is wagging
When every back is turned
They're telling secrets that should never be revealed
There's nothing to be gained from this
But disaster.
Here's a good one...
Did you hear about my friend?
He's embarrassed to be seen now
`Cause we all know his sins

If I had the chance love
You know, I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late

[Chorus:]
Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
And I denied in my capacity to love
But I am willing to give up this fight
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight...