Itachi opened his eyes, he found he was in dark, cramped place—probably a closet considering the shoes strewn about on the floor, the mass of coats hanging centimeters above him and the umbrella poking him in the butt. Itachi had woken up in the sitting position, and could just barely feel his legs. Something kicked him in the side of the head from the other side of the closet and made an urmffmroof sound while doing so.

Itachi, with his sharigan, saw another reason why the closet was so cramped other than closets tend to be cramped when full of random crap and like 20 winter coats—because it had three grown men stuffed inside along with those coats. Itachi saw Sasuke had somehow gotten inside and was on his back on such an angle that his face was stuck inside a boot, his legs in the air and he sounded like he was choking on said boot.

In the last bit a space was Tobi/Madara. Madara had been crammed awkwardly into the corner and appeared unconscious. Itachi felt around to free his but from the umbrella and found Madara's foot. Madara—being the tall, sexy man that he is—had rather long legs that reached almost to the other side of the closet. And it also appeared that Sasuke was on top of both Madara's legs.

Itachi looked over at the door and could see Hidan's and Deidara's chakra. He fumbled around for the umbrella and tried unsuccessfully (It hit Sasuke's groin) to hit Madara with it. Why? Because Madara was kind of an asshole. Sexy, but a crazy asshole hell bent on world domination. Not really Itachi's type.

Sasuke whimpered and tried to right himself. After a few attempts and some closet-style gymnastics he rolled himself over into Madara's lap. Madara—who was in Tobi mode—opened his eyes (but kind of only one because of the mask) and glared at Sasuke. Sasuke looked around, quite confused to be in a closet. He looked over at Itachi who was glaring at the door and then he looked up to an eye with sharigan that was glaring at him.

Madara stared down at his relative who quickly tried to get off him, but not before elbowing him the crotch. Madara winced and shoved Sasuke into Itachi who continued to glare at the door. None of them had the thought to open the door.

t wouldn't have been a use to do so anyway since Hidan had put a table against the door because Deidara had said it would be funny. But nothing had happed so they both stood around talking about what Kakuzu would look like with long pink hair and waiting for "Tobi" to wake and annoy Itachi who would try to kill him which would be hard to do in a closet and they through Sasuke in there because why not just randomly through Sasuke into a closet?

Deidara had also convinced Hidan that Itachi and Tobi were secretly in love with each other and if left alone they would confess their love to each other and have hot closet sex. Presumably Sasuke would be cowering in the corner with his hands over his ears praying nothing came his way. (hahahaha) Deidara never really mentioned how Sasuke fit into the whole Tobi/Itachi closet sex thing but he also never explained why he wanted them to have sex in a closet at a hostel anyway but then again its not like Hidan was really going to ask. (Once Dei mentioned sex he thought about things to do with Kakuzu—bad masochistic fetish type things!)

Meanwhile, back in the closet, Sasuke tried to remember exactly what Suigetsu had said about having bad acid trips and how to make them go away faster. But it then dawned on him that if this was a weird acid trip and he lost consciousness Karin and/or Suigetsu would try to rape him. Sasuke was fairly sure he wasn't being raped so—this was obviously a weird coincidence that he and Itachi and some other guy he was apparently related to were in a closet together. (Yes Sasuke, that's the clearly the most rational answer)

Madara sighed and looked over to Itachi, "Tobi thinks Itachi needs to knock Sasuke out so Tobi can stop talking like this because Madara has a migraine."

Itachi studied Sasuke who was staring into space, "No, I don't think thats necessary," he raised an eyebrow, "I think he's high..."

Madara rolled his eyes (or his eye?) and took the liberty of giving Sasuke a concussion (wasn't that nice?) and rendering him unconscious. Madara then climbed over him to sit next to Itachi, kicking Sasuke's body to the other end of the closet.

"So..Tachi-kun....whatcha doin?" Madara said slipping back into his normal sexy voice.

Itachi said nothing and stared at him.


Itachi said nothing and stared at him.

Madara shifted uncomfortably, "Tachi....?"

Itachi said nothing and stared at him.

Madara took of his mask and stared back.

Itachi narrowed his eyes and continued to stare.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Madara snapped.

"Attempting pyrokinesis."

Madara held up his fist and extended his middle finger.

Itachi smiled.

After a few minutes of awkward silence Madara looked around, "So..."

Sasuke's eyelids fluttered open. He heard Itachi and that man talking.

"So Itachi...wanna have sex?"


Sasuke scrunched his eyebrows together (is that even possible?) and wondered what kind of conversation he'd just woke up on.

"Well it's not like there's anything else to do~" (or Madara's just perverted...)


"Itachi, it's so so so much easier to do things when you don't think of things like that!" Madara said encouragingly.

"......Fuck no,"

"Gee that's too bad," Madara said inching closer.

Itachi raised an eyebrow, "You—? Wait, you're not gonna...? Like you're okay with that?"

"Yeah! I mean, it's not like you're stronger than me or anything!" Madara smiled.

"Oh, oka—hey! If you even tr—mmmfff!"

(And we leave Madara and Itachi to their closet sex and Sasuke to be scarred for life and have reoccurring nightmares! And isn't that nice? That means Deidara got his wish! His really creepy wish..."