A/N: This story was inspired by the song 'Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw.

It is a story that follows Edward and Jasper on their journey through serious illness while relying on the amazing power of
love and the hope it provides. Any such journey is an emotional one, so remember to have your Kleenex ready.

Thank you, rhenea5018 and SorceressCirce for beta'ing this story.

This story will be told from Edward's POV, unless specifically stated otherwise.

Oh, and before I forget, the ATDE boys will not be abandoned. They still have a lot to say, but they're willing to share my
time with other stories. I hope you will, too. ^_~

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Apparently, it owns me.

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The ticking of the clock seemed to be drowning out everything. I watched as the pendulum swung back and forth. My eyes were stinging as I watched, unblinking, refusing to acknowledge the tears that were threatening to spill. From the periphery of my vision, I could see the painting that hung directly behind him, but I could not bring myself to focus on it. It would cause me to see his face, and I could not bear seeing the pity that was sure to reside there.

The ticking was growing louder, drowning me, ticking my life away.

"....I'm sorry, Son."

Those three words penetrated the noise from the clock, piercing my heart, devouring my soul.

Time.

I was out of time.

I let out a strangled, solitary sob as I let my head fall into my hands. I felt heavy, numb, sad, angered, and pained, all at once.

Time. What a cruel joke it was. And the joke, it seemed, was on me.

I heard him get up out of his chair and walk to me, but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge him. It would make this too real. When I felt him put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it, I reached one hand to put it over his. It was all I was capable of doing in that moment. I knew he'd understand. He'd been through this before with me. He knew I just needed a little time to collect myself. Ha, time. I huffed and shook my head.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I closed my eyes and straightened up in my seat. As I did so, I felt another squeeze of my shoulder before he let go and took the seat next to me, rather than going back to sit behind his desk. I swallowed hard. I had to get myself together. Break down later. Right now, you need to focus, Edward. I opened my eyes and turned to look at Carlisle, giving him a small nod to let him know I was okay…for now. He nodded in turn, I could tell he was trying hard to stay in the role of doctor, to not let his emotions cloud what he knew he needed to do.

"So what do we do next, Carlisle? What is there left to try?"

We talked over my options. He had cleared his entire afternoon, so that he could go over treatments, side effects, and other options with me. He was my doctor, but he was also the closest thing to a father I had. Dad had passed away when I was a toddler. Carlisle and Esme had taken care of me after my mom died, as I had no family left. They were my Godparents, Esme had been my mother's best friend since high school, so I went to live with them and Alice, their daughter. My mom had lived to see me beat cancer the first time but had been taken from me shortly thereafter. It seemed now, however, that fate was determined to reunite us. Carlisle continued through the options and would pause every now and then, always knowing when I needed a moment to process things.

Why did I come here alone? I need...I let out a long breath as I pinched the bridge of my nose again. I didn't have anyone. No partner, no immediate family. I knew Alice and Esme would both have come with me, but a small part of me had hoped that the tests would come back negative, that it was just something minor that, with a few pills, would just go away. I'd felt that, if they had been here, it would mean admitting it was back. What I wanted, needed, in this moment, was someone who would be with me. I thought of Jasper and sighed. I won't..not now....

Carlisle interrupted my thoughts by clearing his throat. He frowned at me.

"Edward. I know that this is a lot to take in. We can discuss this later this week, if you'd like?"

I nodded gratefully. I felt as if my head were spinning from information overload. Time. I needed time. Always time.

He got to his feet and waited for me to do the same. I slowly got up from the chair and stretched. I felt so stiff from sitting for so long. I looked at the clock again. We'd been here for three straight hours, and I realized that I'd scarcely moved a muscle the entire time. I felt his eyes on me as I tried to get some feeling back into my aching limbs. I looked at him. I'm not sure what he found in my eyes, but he grasped both my shoulders firmly. His own eyes were full of warring emotions, and his voice was a little gruff when he spoke.

"You're not alone, Edward. Esme, Alice, and I are here for you, whatever you may need. You've beaten cancer before, Edward. This won't be an easy battle, but please, don't give up without a fight? Don't forget to live."

He pulled me into a hug, which I returned fiercely, unable to speak. We stood like this for a while. Slowly, he let me go, and I stepped back. My voice cracked a little as I tried to speak.

"T-thank you, Carlisle. I'll call you in a day or two. I just need a little.... time."

He nodded, and after I told him that he had my leave to tell Alice and Esme about the results, I left. I just wanted to be home.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I wasn't sure how I'd gotten home from the hospital. I probably shouldn't have driven, but I made it back in one piece. I placed my keys on the little table that stood in the hallway and took my shoes off, setting them to the side. I closed the door behind me, locking it as I leaned my forehead against it. I took a deep breath and turned around slowly, muttering under my breath.

"Hi, honey. I'm home...."

No answer. Of course. I lived alone, and had never felt so alone, as I did right now. I glanced around my apartment, taking in the small but comfortable living room, the fireplace with the flat screen above it and the sofa and love seat that were angled so you could enjoy the fireplace and the view out the window simultaneously. Walking over to the windows, I leaned against the frame as I stared out over Seattle. It was twilight. I snorted in disgust. Twilight. How fitting.

I shook my head as I walked to the bar that separated the kitchen from the dining room. I leaned down to grab a bottle of scotch and a tumbler. I placed both on the surface and stared at them, my hands resting on the side of the bar. I knew I shouldn't be drinking. I hardly ever drank, as a precaution. Yeah, and look where all your fucking precautions got you. I scoffed at myself and opened the bottle, pouring two fingers into the glass. I took a deep breath before downing the contents. The amber liquid left my throat burning. I welcomed the fire it sent through me. If I was lucky, numbness and blissful ignorance would soon follow.

I poured another two fingers before deciding to put the bottle away. I knew I shouldn't drink. Carlisle would have my head if I got drunk, even if he would understand why I had done it. I took my glass and walked around my apartment, feeling lost. I ended up standing in the door frame to my bedroom. I stared at my king sized bed.

It was empty.

I felt empty.

I started shaking, and it took me a moment to realize that I had tears running down my face. Wiping furiously at them, I stalked back into the living room and grabbed my phone. I punched in the number without thinking about it. It rang just once before he answered.

"Whitlock residence."

"Jasper...."

I could barely recognize my own voice. I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Jasper, it's Edward."

Again, I walked over to the windows, glass in one hand, the phone in the other. I stared out over the city, it was almost completely dark now. I could feel the tears silently slipping down my face. My voice still sounded off, and I knew it had given me away.

"Edward? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"No.... I'm anything but okay, Jazz."

It had come out as a whisper, but I guess he heard it, because he answered with a "Be there in 10." and hung up.

I stood for another minute or two, holding the phone over my heart, watching the people below me. I took a shuddering breath, trying to keep my emotions in check. Hopeless cause at the moment, because it felt like I was stuck in an emotional pinball-machine.

I walked over to the couch and sat down as I tossed the phone on the side table. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, letting my chin rest on their tops, as I sipped the scotch. My eyes were fixed on the dormant fireplace as my thoughts drifted back.

Jasper and I had been best friends ever since he and his parents moved to Forks in our freshman year of high school. We'd hit it off straight away. We'd shared many interests, spending as much time together as we could. Neither of us went out much, which was encouraged by our parents. We were both more focused on school and where we wanted to go in life, than on girls. Of course, at the time, neither of us had been willing to admit the real reason for our lack of interest in girls.

It wasn't until we'd moved to Seattle and gone to UW that things changed. I came out in the middle of our freshman year of college. By that time, I'd had feelings for Jasper for a while, but I didn't dare say anything. I was in a relationship when Jasper came out a year later. I thought maybe he had feelings for me as well, but timing never seemed to be on our side. There's that ugly word again. Time. I frowned at myself. One or the other of us had always been in a relationship, and I, for one, held our friendship too dear to do anything during those times. More like you were too much of a chickenshit, Edward Masen.

I huffed and sipped my scotch, reflecting. I did love Jasper and had for many years. And now…now, it was too late. Why did I call him now? I sighed in defeat. Because you always call him. He's always been there for you. I put my chin back on my knees, resting my glass against my forehead as I closed my eyes. I heard the lock click and the door open as he let himself in, using the key I'd given him for when he would check on my place while I was out of town.

"Edward?"

I didn't respond, didn't move. I wasn't even sure I was breathing anymore. I heard the door close softly, and a soft 'clunk' from his helmet as it was put on the table by the door, followed by the tell tale 'thud thud' as Jasper toed out of his boots. I knew, because that's what he always did. Mere moments later, I felt the sofa give next to me. Jasper put a hand on the nape of my neck, and with the other he grabbed the glass from my shaking hands, putting it down on the side table. I hadn't even realized it until I felt his hands on me, but I was trembling from head to toe.

He didn't say a word, just settled back into the couch and pulled me to him, holding me to his chest as he coaxed my head to rest on his shoulder. That gesture was all it took to let loose the floodgates, and I started to cry. I let all my feelings of fear, anger, resentment and grief flow out of me, knowing that he was here with me. My fingers clenched tightly on his shirt, while he was rubbing my back in an attempt to soothe me. I didn't know how long we sat like that, but eventually I started to settle down.

Jasper squeezed me gently as he whispered into my hair, his cheek resting on the top of my head.

"Want to tell me what's got you so upset?"

I took a shuddering breath as I tried to muster the strength and voice to tell him. I barely managed a croaky whisper.

"It's back, Jazz. The cancer... "

I both heard and felt his sharp intake of breath as he tightened his arms around me. It felt so good to be held by him. So safe. He had always been able to calm me down, he had a quiet strength to him that I'd grown to depend on over the years of our friendship. He had been there the first time I'd had to fight cancer. He'd stood by me when most of our peers fell away. He had helped me do the things that I was unable to do myself during my treatments. And he had run with me during many a marathon over the years.

I had always hoped that someday, timing would be on our side, and we could maybe try and see if we could be more than just friends. I had not been in a relationship for awhile now. I hadn't really wanted to be with anyone. Anyone other than him, that is. Jasper had recently come out of a relationship, but I hadn't acted. It wasn't right to pounce right after someone had been dumped, and there was time, right? How I wished now that I had acted. Now, I was too late.

I wouldn't do anything now. I was too selfish. I needed my best friend too much to risk losing him if he rejected any advances from me. And even if he did want me the way I wanted him, how could I put him through that? I would die, leaving him alone. That wasn't fair, either. I felt the tears start again, as I felt the loss of what wasn't ever going to be now. I buried my face into his chest, trying desperately to not lose it again, I knew I couldn't put voice to why I was crying these tears now.

I heard him whisper, his voice trembling slightly with emotion. He continued to rub my back soothingly with one hand, while he ran his fingers through my hair with the other.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. But we'll fight this, just like last time, right?"

I didn't say anything, I couldn't. My throat had tightened too much for me to be able to get the words out. I thought back to last time. It had taken the better part of a year and intense chemotherapy treatments then to get rid of the cancer. I shuddered as I remembered how awful I had felt from the side effects. I'd lost most of my hair, so I ended up shaving the rest off and just wore hats instead. I was so nauseous all the time, and couldn't stand the sight or smell of food. I'd lost a lot of weight because of that, which wasn't good. I'd been so tired all the time, too. I didn't want to have to go through all that again.

Why? Why did it have to come back?!? I had done everything they told me to do after they had cured me. I kept in shape, had a well balanced diet, didn't drink, didn't smoke, made sure I got the sleep I needed. Why was this happening now? Why would my body betray me so horribly? I felt myself getting angry, and before I was able to stop myself I felt my hand hit Jasper's chest as I choked out.

"Why?! I don't want to go through that again! Why did this happen to me? Again!"

Jasper looked at me, startled at my outburst. He placed his hand over mine, holding it against where I had hit him.

"I don't know, Edward."

I lifted my head to look at him; his beautiful grey eyes were red-rimmed and shimmering with tears. His face full of emotions I wasn't able to place, my own in too much turmoil to figure it out. Though I was certain I saw fear there, there was something else; something I was afraid to name. At the same time I wanted very much for it to be real, selfish creature that I was. I lowered my eyes and sighed.

"I don't know if I can do this again, Jasper. Carlisle says it's come back, not just the leukemia, but it's spread now. Worse than the first time." I paused for a moment. "I'm scared."

We sat for a while, with him just holding me to him, my head resting against his shoulder. I had told him everything that Carlisle had told me, and now we were each lost in our own thoughts. I had no idea what time it was, or how long we'd sat, but suddenly his stomach gave an almighty grumble. He chuckled softly as I looked up at him.

"Sorry... I haven't had dinner yet. You hungry?"

I nodded, realizing I hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime, either.

"Yeah.... I should eat."

I started to sit up so I could go and check the kitchen, but he pulled me back to him, holding me tight. I frowned at him.

"Not ready to let you go just yet. Why don't we call in something? Pizza? Chinese? My treat."

I thought about it for a moment and sighed. I wasn't very willing to leave his embrace either. It felt safe here, and I didn't feel quite as alone with him here.

"Chinese, please. The usual."

He pulled his phone from his back pocket and called in our order. As soon as he was done, he wrapped both his arms around me again and sighed deeply. We sat in silence for several minutes just breathing in the situation before he spoke.

"Promise me something?" he said softly.

I looked at him, his eyes intent on mine. They seemed to burn into me, and I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in them. I blinked, trying to focus on his words.

"What?"

"Fight this, Edward. Please? Don't give up on .....life."

For a moment it was as if he was going to say something else. I swallowed hard, unable to say anything. He watched me carefully, his eyebrows pulling together in concentration.

"I'll be here with you every step of the way, just please...?"

I gasped for air as the tears threatened to fall again, so I closed my eyes and just nodded. If he was here with me, I could do this, right? I felt his hand cup my cheek, his thumb gently caressing my cheekbone. I felt his body shift slightly, but I kept my eyes closed. I felt his warm breath fan my face and I stopped breathing. At that point I was too scared to open my eyes. Surely he wasn't going to kiss me? That was just not possible. I wanted him to, but why would he? I wasn't good for him, not now when I was dying.

I felt him come closer, his lips almost on mine. I could sense it. I stayed very still, afraid to move at all, wanting to both run away from this and toward it. Just before his lips could touch mine, there was a knock on the door. Our food had arrived. I felt him pull away with a soft sigh as he let me go. I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself down. He'd been about to kiss me. I took the opportunity to look at him while he was at the door.

He'd grown into a man. Tall, slender, well defined...all aspects accentuated by the thin, black cotton of his t-shirt and the jeans hanging low on his hips. I shook my head a little to stop myself from dwelling on his body. He was so much more to me than just physical appearance. He had always been my rock, my comfort, my friend.

He paid the delivery person, closed the door and paused for the briefest moment, as if collecting himself. I watched as he squared his shoulders and headed into the kitchen. As he came back to the living room with a tray carrying the food and two bottles of water, I shifted over to the opposite side of the couch, pulling my legs up again so I sat facing him. He handed me a bottle and put the tray down between us as he sat down. He shifted so he was facing me as well and grabbed a pair of chopsticks and a carton of chow mein. He didn't say a word as he ate, just watched me, a slight frown marring his features.

I grabbed the other carton of chow mein and some chopsticks and began eating, ducking my head a little so I wouldn't have to look at him. I wasn't completely able to resist looking at him though, so every now and then I'd sneak a peek through my lashes, only to find his gaze on me still. As we ate our way through the chow mein, orange chicken and General Tsao, my mind was playing tug of war with my heart.

Part of me was hoping that he had indeed been trying to kiss me, and that he would try again. I wanted to be with him, so much. To be able to show him I loved him, and for him to love me back. It was selfish of me. As selfish as not wanting to make a move at all, just so I wouldn't risk losing him altogether. That part of me needed him with me in any capacity. I could not envision my life, however long I had left of it, without Jasper in the picture. It would surely kill me faster if I lost him than any cancer could.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I put down the empty cartons and my chopsticks, keeping my head low as I moved. I grabbed the bottle of water I had pretty much neglected, opened it and drank greedily from it. When I was done, I looked at Jasper, only to find his eyes fixed on my face; his posture was tense. I'd never seen him like this before and wasn't sure what to make of it. He had placed his chopsticks, cartons and empty water bottle on top of the tray.

I blushed slightly from the intensity of his stare, so I picked up the tray and took it to the kitchen, looking for an escape. From what, I wasn't sure. I placed the tray on the counter, and threw the empty cartons and chopsticks in the trash, setting the bottles aside for recycling. Every movement felt as if I was on autopilot. There wasn't anything left to do in the kitchen, yet I found myself unable to go back to the living room. I felt the shock and despair take hold of me again. I leaned heavily on the counter with my elbows. I lowered my head to my arms and clutched my fingers to my hair.

My chest felt so tight, and my breathing was ragged as I tried to regain control over my emotions. I didn't hear him as he stepped up behind me, and I jumped slightly as I felt his arms wrap slowly around my waist. He closed the distance between us and rested his head between my shoulder blades. Slowly but surely I could feel my breathing even out as his presence calmed me as no other could. He just let me go through the motions, knowing that for right now, it just needed to happen, but he would be here when it did. I loved him all the more for that.

He shifted a little, pulling me upright and turning me around so we were facing each other. He cupped my face in both his hands and just stared into my eyes for the longest time, his thumbs gently rubbing over my cheekbones as he wiped my tears away again. I rested my hands on the crook of his arms as I leaned back into the counter. After several minutes, he sighed and touched his forehead to mine, closing his eyes, our noses barely touching. His breath fanned out over my lips, and the urge to kiss him grew stronger. He was so close, just a tilt of the head, an inch forward, and I'd be able to taste the sweet- and spiciness that was in his every breath.

"Thanks, Jasper." I whispered softly, letting out a sigh.

He opened his eyes and tilted his head back a little so he could look me in the eye, frowning a little as he did so.

"For what?"

"For being here. For letting me get this out of my system. I just...."

I was at a loss for what else to say. There was so much I would like to tell him, and so much more I didn't feel I could. He gazed into my eyes intently, as if he were looking for answers there to questions he couldn't ask. I started to feel a little uncomfortable under the scrutiny, so I ducked my head, feeling a faint blush creep up my cheeks. I heard him take a deep breath, as if steeling himself for something. He put his finger under my chin, lifting it up so my eyes were level with his again.

He searched my face for a reaction as he whispered softly to me.

"I'll always be here for you, Edward. For as long as you'll let me. I love you, you know?"

I swallowed hard, my eyes darting back and forth between his. My heart was pounding in my chest and my mouth was suddenly very dry. I could feel the tears threatening again. Damnit, I can't seem to stop doing that. I was reeling from everything that had come at me today. As much as I had been longing for so many years to hear him say that, having him do so now left me speechless. I knew I had to respond, I wanted to. And in that instant I knew that I only had one choice. It really was 'now, or never'.

I slid my hands up his arms and cupped his face gently in them, his 5 o'clock shadow prickling my skin. I tilted my head as I leaned in and closed the distance between us, pressing my lips to his once, twice. I closed my eyes when I felt him return my kiss. I sucked on his bottom lip, nipping it lightly before trailing over it with my tongue. He put his arms around my waist as I felt his tongue circle mine, and we stood for a long time, just exploring the other's mouth.

He tasted so good, the sweetness of the orange chicken, the spice of the General Tsao and something I couldn't place, something that was all him, and I couldn't get enough of it. The scratchiness of his stubble only added to the sensations. After a few minutes though, I had to break away and catch my breath. I rested my forehead against his. My voice was thick with emotion still and I couldn't get it to go above a coarse whisper.

"I love you, too. Jasper, I..." I took a steadying breath before continuing. "I have, for a long time now."

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A/N: I hope that you will support the boys on their journey. Leave them some love, if you will.

And if you can't say anything nice... well you know how the rest of the saying goes ^_~

There's a thread for LLNT here:

www dot twilighted dot ?f=44&t=4775

(actual link will be in my profile)