Attack of the Clones - A Parody -

Chapter 14 - Not quite the final chapter -

After a brief battle in space, Jango Fett has reached the planet of Geonosis. Obi-Wan outsmarted Jango by parking his ship on an asteroid and hitting the emergency brake quickly so his ship stayed on the asteroid. He then flew down to the planet avoiding all the sensors , snuck into a big underground compound without getting spotted and he is now currently spying on a meeting in a large conference room.

" What are we going to do with Episode 3 ? " George Lucas sat at the head of the table with all the producers and special effects staff sitting on both sides, scribbling notes.

" I think we should just throw a bunch of special effects at it and write the script as we go. " A voice shot out. George nodded and was pleased.

Obi-Wan rubbed his beard, " Hmm, wrong meeting perhaps. " He turned and looked down into a different meeting room behind him. There was Count Dooku at the head of a large table, filled on both sides with evil aliens and robots.

" Now is the time my " Dooku's voice boomed out, but the echo was terrible. " Could we possibly have picked a worse room for a conference "

A really old fashioned looking robot adjusted knobs on his nipples and responded, " The Techno Union are at your disposal, count. "

" I am pleased to hear..." Count Dooku started, but he was cut off by some Techno music suddenly blaring through the conference room.

" Count, Count, C-C-C-Count. The Techno Union, T-T-Techno Union. Break it down ! Techno Union is on the case, at your disposal , in your face ! Techno Union, T-T-T-Techno Union ! "

" That will be quite enough ! " Dooku slammed his fist on the table.

Tattooine , Lar's Pad - Day

Lar's has floated out of his homestead in his chair, followed by all the others, they could hear the whine of Anakin's speeder approaching the hut. Even C3-PO made his way out. Anakin couldn't handle the speed brake and rolled the speeder bike in front of the hut, sending his dead mother flying fifty feet over by the water evaporator machines.


Padme' brought a tray of food into a shed where Anakin was trying to fix the completely wrecked speeder bike. It was just a big pile of twisted metal now. But he tinkered away, trying to smoothen out the gas tank, a distant look in his eyes.

" I brought you some almost edible food. Are you hungry ? " Padme' asked, putting the tray down on an even surface that supported the tray of food, if she had placed the tray of food on an uneven surface, the tray may have tipped over and spilled the food on the floor enraging Anakin who was secretly hungry, she just saved her life by correctly placing the tray of food down the right damn way !

" The shifter broke , " Anakin muttered, with the severed shifter in his hand, " life was so much easier when I was stealing things. Why did she have to die ? Why couldn't I save her ? Why did the shifter break ? "

" Some things you can't fix, " Padme responded gently, " you're not powerful at all Annie. "

" ARGH ! I should be ! Someday I'll float around and shoot lasers from my eyes ! " Anakin threw a wrench and it hit the wall, then rebounded and hit him in the mouth.

" Anakin, what's wrong ? " She asked him, concerned.

He dubbed the blood dribbling down the side of his mouth, " I...I threw it. It bounced off the wall...then it HIT ME ! "

Anakin looked at her with more of a dark look, " It hit me on the mouth ! I should've MOVED Padme' ! I should have moved OUT OF THE WAY ! "

" You can't move out of the way all the time. Sometimes you have to stand there and TAKE IT LIKE A MAN ! " Padme' tried to soothe his shattered nerves.

" No ! I'm better than this ! I'm a Jedi ! WAHHHH AHH WAHHH ! " Anakin belted out the crying.

Lar's Hut - Next Morning -

Everyone gathered around the pre-made gravestone of Anakin's mom that Lar's had made weeks ago. It was no secret that he didn't really care about her, what an asshole, seriously.

After a few seconds of soulless talking, it was time for Anakin to approach the gravestone. He took a few dramatic steps towards it, then fell to his knees defeated. He scooped up a handful of pure Tattooine sand.

" I wasn't strong enough to move out of the way mom. The wrench hit me right on the mouth. Look, I just picked up a piece of shit in the sand. Don't know what its from, it smells funny. Umm, what else ? Oh yah, someday I'm going to float around and shoot lasers from my eyes, I'll probably change my name too, like Master Masters. That would be so cool. " A tear rolled down his cheek and dropped to the sand, a flea was moving across the desert with his family, the tear drowned him.

R2-D2 rolled up and told them that Obi-Wan wanted them.

Inside the Naboo Fighter Cockpit a few minutes after R2 told them about Obi-Wan's message

Padme' and Anakin watched the holographic image of Obi-Wan.

" Anakin, my long range transmitter is not transmitting transiently, retransmit this transmission to the relay transmitter for transmission. "

" Ugh, always bossing me around. " Anakin muttered and pressed the button labeled - When Obi-Wan is in trouble -

Inside the Jedi Holographic Chamber, Jedi Masters are lounging around the display for hours waiting for something to holograph, someone has finally sent a transmission.

" The Trade Federation are moving droid armies around and it looks like bad things are starting to happen..."

" Wait...wait..." Obi-Wan held up a finger, then burped and continued , " I think I'm going to be captured here. " Obi-Wan has been captured.

Yoda rubbed his chin as the holographic display turned off , " Something more happening on Geonosis than what we think. "

" I don't agree. " Mace shot in then ate a yummy soda cracker.

" Trying to be difficult, you are. "