Tales From the Sparrow School

The Seduction and Infiltration of Enemy Personnel

CAST (in order of appearance):
Roan Montgomery – John Larroquette
Agent Luther Cartwright – Chris Pine
Chuck Bartowski – Zachary Levi
Sarah Walker Bartowski – Yvonne Strahovski
Mary Milliken – Shannon Elizabeth
Agent Melissa van der Toorn – Katrina Bowden
Colonel John Casey – Adam Baldwin
Maya McCarthy Casey – Christina Hendricks

8:00 AM, Pacific Daylight Time
Monday, March 4
th, 2019
The Sparrow School, Monterey, CA

"Good morning," Roan Montgomery began, looking out over the new crop – the fresh meat, as it were. He had himself once been part of the crop of fresh meat – was it REALLY 1969?! – and now, he had the chance to train a whole new batch of agents.

"My name is Roan Montgomery. I am an officer of the Central Intelligence Agency, as are all of you. However, unlike all of you, I have fifty years' field experience. I know what it takes to properly seduce a mark, be it female or male. I know that seduction is often one of the most effective methods of retrieving information from the enemy."

He paused. "I also know that generally the seduction itself is enough, and that actual sex is unnecessary. Some agents prefer to only go for the seduction." Roan took off his glasses and grinned. "I feel that if you've put the work into it, why not go for the gold?"

A low ripple of laughter spread across the classroom, even provoking a grin from the rather shapely blonde sitting in the back. She must be a supervisor, Roan thought – she looked distinctly older than the rest of the group. The man sitting next to him, who appeared to be her contemporary, did not appear amused by Roan's remark.

I bet that they're the Bartowskis, Roan realized. And of course the man wouldn't be amused that his wife had been part of this program at one time, but you married a CIA agent, pal. Deal with it.

"You have all received a syllabus," Roan continued. "You have also each received a copy of the text – which is crap."

That got several students' attention. "This text was written in 1987," Roan informed them. "The techniques and methods listed within wouldn't have worked in 1988, let alone now. Every last piece of course material will come from myself, and from Agent Milliken, who you will be meeting presently."

He turned to the whiteboard behind him and began writing. "Seduction and Infiltration of Enemy Personnel," he informed the class. "In other words, the art of charming your mark's pants off."

He turned back to the class. "You will be fully trained in the best techniques that Agent Milliken and I can offer you," Roan continued. "You will also be periodically tested in these techniques. Your 'marks' will be members of the staff here at the school. Each member of the staff has volunteered to work here, and each member of the staff understands what they may be asked to undertake."

A young man in the front row raised his hand. "Yes?" Roan said, pointing at him.

The young man had a frown on his face. "So, any member of the school staff is fair game?"

"Well, with the exception of the new administrator and program director, yes," Roan replied. A hint of a smile grew on his face. "Why, is there somebody you've noticed already?"

With a slight blush rising, the young man's frown turned into a bit of a smile. "Well, yeah, sort of," he replied. "There's this really attractive girl – tall, red hair, bright green eyes –"

His words cut off suddenly as Roan slammed a hand down on his desk. "Agent – what's your name?" Roan growled.

The young man's eyes widened. "Uh, Cartwright, sir, Luther Cartwright," he replied.

"Agent Cartwright," Roan hissed. "Understand this. That young woman you just described is my daughter. If you so much as let her face pass across your mind when you're playing with yourself in the shower, then not only will you not pass through this school, but you will depart without the equipment necessary to conduct a proper seduction!"

Cartwright went pale. "Uh, sir, no, sorry, sir, I didn't know, I won't even look at her again."

"See that you don't," Roan shot back.

"Christ," Chuck muttered under his breath. "This Montgomery guy's a real hardass."

"Yeah, but he's our hardass," Sarah replied. "And remember, he's one of the best. Without him, the Berlin Wall wouldn't have come down."

Chuck turned slightly toward Sarah. "Explain to me again how that happened?"

"A KGB agent by the name of Sasha Banacek was traveling to East Berlin to deliver a message to the Stasi, promising them KGB support," Sarah whispered. "Montgomery intercepted her in West Berlin, took her to a bar and got her liquored up, and got her to his hotel room. They were in there so long that by the time they came back out, the Wall was a pile of rubble."

Chuck narrowed his eyes. "Okay, so he bagged a KGB agent and brought down the Berlin Wall. The second, impressive; the first – so?"

Sarah grinned. "Sasha Banacek had the nickname 'The Black Widow'," she explained. "When she wrote her memoirs back in 2007 and described that night, she explained that Roan Montgomery had detained her in a 'prison of pure pleasure'. To do that to as notorious a KGB agent as she was – pretty impressive."

Chuck raised an eyebrow. "Understood," he replied, and then waggled BOTH of his eyebrows at Sarah. "So, what would I need to do to go about detaining you in a prison of pure pleasure?"

Sarah giggled – she giggled?! – and pointed behind Chuck. "You could always ask her…"

Chuck's head whipped around – and then his jaw dropped. "Holy shiiiii…"

As Mary Milliken stepped into the back of the classroom, she allowed herself a moment of quiet. She knew that in less than sixty seconds, every eye in the classroom would be on her – and with good reason. But, for just a moment, she wanted to center herself.

She closed her eyes and imagined her son's face. His school day would just be starting, less than two miles away. Ricky's second grade teacher did NOT know what his mother really did for a living, and she didn't need to. It was bad enough that she knew who his father was – that douchebag asshat of a rock star, Tyler Martin.

I wish I knew what I had been thinking, Mary thought with a sigh. But she knew what she had been thinking – the same thing she had thought throughout the first thirty-five years of her life. Sex, sex, and more sex.

"Let me introduce Agent Mary Milliken," she heard Roan Montgomery say. She didn't know Montgomery personally – she knew of him only by reputation. However, if she was going to be team-teaching with him for the next three months – at least – then she was sure that was going to change.

Every eye in the room turned to look at her – and just as she had expected, numerous jaws fell open. She could swear that a few of the men in the room's tongues even slipped out of their mouths – not bad for a forty-five year-old, she thought, suppressing a smile.

Of course, it didn't really surprise her. Ever since Sarah Palin had run for vice-president over a decade earlier, the whole idea of the "MILF" had taken on new meaning.

Mary put that thought out of her head as she reached the front of the classroom. "Good morning," she greeted the class. "As Agent Montgomery said, my name is Mary Milliken, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that at least a few of you know me by a different name."

A young blonde woman raised her hand. "Yes?" Mary asked.

"You're… you're that porn star, Kiara Minxx," she said nervously.

Mary smiled. "I used to be," she replied. "And might I say, well done on enunciating the second 'X' in the name."

The blonde laughed. "Anyway," Mary continued, "yes, I used to be one of the highest-grossing adult film stars in the industry. What's your name, dear?"

"Melissa," the young woman replied. "Melissa van der Toorn."

"I take it you have at least a passing familiarity with my work?" Mary asked her.

Agent van der Toorn shrugged. "I suppose you could say that," she replied. "I, uh, I guess I sort of used Deep Throat 2000 as a, uh, instructional manual when I was in high school."

Mary's eyebrows practically skyrocketed off of her forehead. "REALLY," she replied, trying desperately to suppress the laugh that was threatening to come flying out. That turned out to be a lost cause when –

"HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS YOU?!" the older-looking man in the back row burst out. With that, Mary's laugh slipped out, as she looked back at the man in the back. He looked to be in his late thirties, and if the look on the face of the woman next to him was any indicator, that was his wife, which would make them –

The Bartowskis, Mary realized. My new bosses.

Sarah's head slowly swiveled toward Chuck, and she pinned him with a glare that might as well have been a blast from the Death Star. Uh-oh, Chuck thought, realizing what he had just spoken aloud.

"So… Deep Throat 2000, Chuck?" Sarah hissed.

"Uh… um, that was, um, Morgan really liked that film. Kiara Minxx, uh, she was his, uh, favorite –"

"She most certainly was not," Sarah interrupted him. "That would be Irena DeMova, Chuck."

Chuck turned to match Sarah's gaze. "Why in the hell would you remember that?!"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Eidetic memory, Chuck," she shot back. "You know that. Now… explain."

Chuck sighed. "Can I just for the moment say 'Bryce Larkin' and explain fully later?"

Sarah cocked her head to the side. "Yeah, that doesn't really help your case much, but I guess you can fill me in later."

Chuck grinned. "Oh, I'll do that alright."

2:30 PM, PDT
Studio City, California


John Casey's harsh voice sounded through the living room. In front of him, John, Lisa, and Alex Bartowski, as well as his own daughter – Becca – all snapped to attention.

"You all are WEAKLINGS!" he barked. "You would never survive in my beloved Corps! When I am done with you, you will be fierce! You will strike the fear of God into any other kid in this neighborhood! You will be worthy to call yourself MARINES!"

"Oh for God's sake," Maya groaned from the next room. "You're in the Air Force, John!"

"Ignore her," John instructed his new recruits. "When I give you an order, you will say, 'YES, COLONEL CASEY, SIR! Is that understood?!"

"Yes, Colonel Casey, sir!" three little voices responded – but one said, "Daddy?"

Dammit, John thought. He should've left Becca out of this. "Yes, Rebecca?" he asked, trying to keep an edge to his voice as he looked down at his daughter.

"Why do we have to do this?"


"Daddy, we just want to go outside and play," Becca said, looking up at her father with her big brown eyes – goddammit, just like Bartowski used to do, Casey groaned mentally.

He sighed. "Alright, fine," he replied. "But don't blame me when the kids from down the street take your lunch money."

"They don't take lunch money to school, dear," Maya sighed.

The three girls all filed outside, excitedly discussing some teenage Disney tramp or other. They all sort of blurred together after Hillary Duff, Casey thought. Then he realized that John Bartowski wasn't following his sisters outside.

"Not going to join the skirts, Bartowski?" Casey asked, crouching down to John's eye level.

John shrugged. "They're stinky girls," he informed his namesake. "Besides, they don't want to play what I want to play."

Casey raised an eyebrow. "And what do you want to play, Bartowski?"

"I want to learn how to be an agent," John replied. "Just like Mommy and like you, Uncle John."

Casey felt a grin slowly make its way across his face. "Is that so," he muttered. "Well, Bartowski, you're talkin' to the right man."

He stood. "Come with me, John," he said to the eight year-old boy. "We'll get you all agentized."

As the boy followed Casey out of the room, Maya Casey shook her head. "I'll be a widow soon," she muttered. "Sarah Walker's gonna kill him."