Hey there readers! Thanks for all the reviews I got for last chapter. It wasn't that many but I guess I deserved that for not updating in such a long time
Anyway, I hope I can make you all happy with this update... It's not one of the funniest chapters ever but I think you will all love me when you have finished reading it. *wink*
I would highly recommend it to you guys to watch this video before you start reading the part where Edward and Bella dance together so that you have a visual.
Here's the link: www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=aSpnneXeDKY&feature=related
Many thanks to my awesome Beta Mcc101180! She does an amazing job and without her this whole story wouldn`t be half this good. I heart you Mel!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Wait, Edward who is Jasper's business partner who is my husband and then me who is best friends with Bella and Bella who is great friends with Rose and Rose whose husband is Edward's brother whose brother Edward is Bella's baby father because Bella chose him as an anonymous sperm donor…
Oh, for the love of FUCK!
Oh God. Oh Goooooood… Don't panic! Breathe!
I have a headache.
I need to lie down.
But more importantly, I need to talk to the girls.
Getting out of my hiding place, I made my way to find the girls and tell them what I'd heard.
There were so many questions swimming in my head. How was it that Emmett knew about Edward being the father of Bella's baby? And if Emmett knew, did that mean Rose knew too? Normally Emmett was not capable of keeping secrets from her. He might be a terrific lawyer and thus have the perfect poker face, but when he tries lying or keeping a secret from Rose, he gets this constipated look on his face. It's really an ugly thing to look at.
I spotted Rosalie and Bella coming out of the building, laughing and hugging. Well at least it seems that they're getting along again. Good thing that they got over that stupid fight. I mean, flour sacks as babies? And when I care for my shoes that much, they call me a freak.
"Hi ladies! I hope you girls are ready for some intense shopping and talking! Get in the car," I gritted out while giving Bella and Rose a stern look. Gracefully, I turned on my heels and made my way, with some extra swing in my walk, to the car.
I am so rocking this dramatic departure thing.
As soon as the two were in the car, I sped out of the parking lot, eager to grill them and get the answers to my questions.
"Jesus Alice, pregnant women in your back seat! If you don't want some matching vomit to go with your leather seats here, you better slow the fuck down!" Bella nearly screamed while squeezing the shit out of Rose's hand.
I just grinned and winked at her while speeding past all the cars on our way to the mall.
"Seems like you two are on speaking terms again. So, what happened at baby class? Any big life-altering secrets revealed or found out today? Is there something you two want to tell me?"
"No Alice, nothing major. We just had a little water fight and then got to watch how little Jane, that's our new teacher by the way, went all Hulk on Emmett and Edward." Bella giggled, oblivious to my prying.
Finally arriving at the mall, I made another perfect parking maneuver and I swear I heard even Rose squeak a little.
As we made our way out of the car and into the nearest baby clothing store, I started digging again.
"Uh huh, very interesting. Anyway, are you and Edward getting along good? Feeling some special bond or some shit like that?"
"Bella, sweetie, would you be so kind and get us something to drink? I gotta talk to Mrs. Whitlock here for a minute," Rose said nonchalantly to Bella. Hmm…seems like Rose does know something otherwise she wouldn't send Bella away.
"What will you guys talk about? Is it a secret? I wanna know too!"
"Well honey, if you must know, I want to talk to Alice about my new blowjob technique. I swear I got almost all of Emmett in—"
"Bah, bah, bah, bah… Eww, I didn't need to hear that. Why did I even bother asking? I am going to get some Slushies for us all. And some cookies."
Right after Bella was out of earshot, Rose turned to me with an ugly sneer on her face.
Look who is in a good mood today. Just makes you want to sing and dance at a fairy wedding.
"Well Rose, I didn't know that you were that interested in giving me blowjob tips but what the hell. So how did you do it?"
"What do you know?" Rose asked in a dead serious voice.
"About blowjobs? Well you get the peni—"
"Jesus, how stupid are you? Not about blowjobs. Do you know something?"
"Well, do you know something?" I replied back, looking her directly in the eyes. I had to say her stare was a little intimidating and dare I say it, scary…Okay, not a little, a lot.
Be brave, Alice. You have to put your big girl panties on. Like the cute ones with the Superman symbol. Wait, didn't Jasper rip them last night? Yeah he did...Giggle… Go Super-Jasper!
"I might know something." She quirked an eyebrow at me while smiling smugly.
"I might know something too."
"And what exactly is this thing you know?" With every question I uttered out she came closer to me.
"Oh no no no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know."
"I can't tell you what I know."
"Well then I can't tell you what I know either."
The sudden silence was filled by our breathing, a baby crying and my heart slamming against my chest so hard, that I wondered why it wasn't already springing out.
Suddenly Rose screamed, "You don't know! You can't know!"
"Fine, how about I go talk to Bella and ask her about the thing that I know, and I will see if the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that you think that you know!"
At that, Rose's eyes bugged out, which was a dead giveaway that she knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Oh my God, you KNOW!" Rose gasped out.
"And you know! OH MY GOD! WHY DIDN—"
The rest of my sentence got cut off as Rose slammed her hand over my mouth and dragged me in a dark corner of the store. I seriously felt like screaming 'rape' and kicking her in the coochie.
"Mmmmhmm…" I tried screaming but she just tightened her hand over my mouth and pinched my butt cheek. Hard.
"Listen to me, Pixie, and listen good, Bella is the only one who doesn't know yet. It is not our job to let her know that her Baby daddy is our Eddie-boy. So you will keep your little mouth shut or I'll find a way to make your life a living nightmare. Yes Alice, I know all about your biggest fear or let's call it 'phobia.' I know exactly that you freak the fuck out when someone touches your knees. Your masseuse is very talkative under pressure," she whispered in my ear.
Damn Yolanda and her magic fingers. I knew I couldn't trust her with my deepest secret. I mean I'm okay when people touch my knees while I'm sitting, but when I am standing or lying down and someone touches me there I start screaming like a damn banshee and go into full on fetal position.
"Okay, Tinker-telly, nod if you understand what I said. You won't say a word to Bella and you will only talk about that thing with either me, Edward, Emmett or Jasper. No one else. Got it?"
I nodded my head fast and she released me from her death grip. While taking huge deep breaths to get all the oxygen my body missed during her wrestle hold on me, I looked warily at Rose.
"Jesus woman, you have some grip there! I won't tell her, okay? You could have told me like a normal person and not like some crazy serial killer. That was damn creepy. And why the hell am I the last one to hear about it? I mean even Jasper knew about it before me and he is the biggest gossip queen I know!"
"Well sweetie, let's face it. You are crap at lying and God only knows how we will keep you and Mr. Gossip Girl from blurting it out to Bella. Oh Jesus, I can already feel the vibration rolling off of you. Relax and don't act so obvious!"
She rolled her eyes at me and although what she said was true, I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of being right again.
"Nope Rosie. I can keep that secret and I am relaxed. You'll see. I will rock this whole secret-keeping thingy."
In that moment, Bella came back into the store looking for us while holding about five Slushies and a seemingly empty bag of cookies. That woman is like a bottomless garbage can since she got pregnant. Finally, she spotted us and made her way over. Rose gave me one last stern glance which you could interpret as 'shut the fuck up or your knees will be hurting.'
"Guys, why are you hiding in this dark corner like some druggies waiting for their dealer? Anyway, doesn't matter. When I was in line for the Slushies I pulled out four eyelashes! That can't be good, can it?"
Just seeing her again made me all giddy and forget all about Rosie's threats and the stupid shit Bella was talking. I just had to hug her…so I did. Not only that but I squeaked like a Barbie doll and jumped up and down with Bella still in my arms.
"Yeah, relaxed my ass," I heard Rose mutter.
(1 month later)
"— And so I screamed in a murderous voice." Emmett started imitating himself and screaming angrily, "Keep your meaty fingers to yourself, you asshole! Wow, I think I just scared myself a little."
"Well at least you scared someone, honey," Rose replied with a smirk on her face.
We were all gathered at a private booth at Emmett's favorite restaurant celebrating his birthday, and retelling some funny things we did during the last month. I couldn't believe how fast a whole month had passed. We were already at the beginning of November and I was now three and a half months pregnant, finally out of my first trimester. I had more energy, felt more alive, and, thank-fucking-God, I had control of my bladder and butt again. I swear over the last few months I let more unintentional farts out than I was comfortable admitting.
Yes, the walk through the grocery store was a total 'Dear Diary' moment.
Not only did I have more energy and wasn't constipated anymore, but I was also happier than ever. The six of us had become really good friends over the last month and I did not know what I would do without them now that I had them in my life.
But there was one thing that was bugging the shit out of me. Edward. Edward 'I'm-hotter-than-the-sun' freaking Cullen. I wanted him badly but he still hadn't asked me out! I mean, I knew there was flirting going on between us. We were always holding hands, and his little innocent kisses on my cheek, on my forehead and on my shoulder were driving me crazy. Literally. I felt like, like… just jumping on him and kissing his perfect pouty lips until he finally got the point and asked. me . out.
So my new goal this month was to get Edward to ask me out. Well the bigger boobs will definitely help get Mommy some meat.
I was brought out of my little inner monologue when I heard Rose starting to insult some waiter who just brought her burger.
"There's no ketchup on my burger. Where is my ketchup?"
"Are you an idiot? Is that why you are a waiter, because you are a stupid dingus? Go get me ketchup NOW!"
The poor waiter was already close to tears. With a trembling bottom lip and his gaze fixated on his shoes, he ran off, nearly slamming another waiter down in his hurry to get away from our table.
Emmett just shook his head and looked at Rose. "Every damn time, Rose? I think we talked about this. No wonder they send us his therapy bills."
"Ugh, he should stop acting like such a baby. I mean we come here fairly often, they should know by now that I don't like him. Whatever."
Rosalie was interrupted by Emmett's phone ringing. As he looked at the caller ID, he suddenly got very pale and gave Edward a concerned look. "I gotta take this real quick. Be right back." Emmett hurried out of the booth and made his way outside.
"Who might that be? He looked worried," I asked all the others, but oddly no one made eye contact and murmured some weird shit. What was going on?
Suddenly we saw Emmett come back in some hurried walk-run and head straight for Edward, taking him by his T-shirt and whispered in a horrified voice, "We got a big, annoying problem, Edward."
"What's up? Oh man, don't tell me Mom and Dad got arrested for public indecency again."
"Fuck no, man. Well now there's a mental image I didn't need. Why do you always start with that shit? It was one time and they were drunk. Doesn't matter now. Our problem: Uncle Carlisle is visiting in two days."
Edward eyes bulged out and he froze. Who was this man and why did Edward have such a strong reaction to him?
"Is he the only one coming? Or are they coming?" he asked, his voice full of spite.
Man, seems like someone doesn't like his uncle.
"All of them."
I turned to Rosalie to see the same hateful expression on her face.
"Who is this 'Carly' person and why do you all hate him so much?" I glanced over at Alice and saw her looking as clueless as I was.
Rose turned to us girls and started to whisper. "Well you two lucky bitches haven't yet had the pleasant experienceofmeeting Emmett and Edward's uncle. Okay, you wanna know the soap opera worthy family story? Here it comes:
Robert Cullen is Emmett and Edward's grandfather. He was about twenty when he got the neighbor's daughter pregnant and of course he had to marry her. But there was no love or passion between them. So twenty-two years after Edward Sr., who is Edward and Emmett's dad, was born, Robert asked for a divorce. They say it was a mutual decision but that's total bullshit. Apparently, Robert had this naughty affair with their maid and out came Carlisle, who is only two years older than Emmett and five years older than Edward. Robert was, of course, very happy to have another son and Edward Sr. accepted his half brother without even blinking. They were all the picture perfect, happy family, yada, yada. But then Edward's wife, Elizabeth, got pregnant and as soon as Emmett was born, Carlisle got really jealous because Robert spoiled his grandchild rotten but was very strict with Carlisle. So as soon as they were all old enough, Carlisle started this competitive behavior and began to provoke his nephews. At first it was innocent, like 'who makes the best Christmas card', 'who sings the best birthday songs', just little games to show off. But the older they got, the harder and more serious the competition between them got, and now they are totally out of control. Every year at the beginning of November, Carlisle comes to visit his nephews to continue this 'competition war.' Of course they just call it visiting family but who the fuck is he trying to shit, we all know he just gets his rocks off by proving how much better he is than his nephews.
Carlisle is now a doctor, with a perfect Stepford wife and this little brat of a child. They seem like the All-American dream family but they are pure evil. I tell you, pure evil." She finished her story in some scary whisper voice which gave me the creeps.
Wow, this family was all kinds of fucked up but I guess you can't really choose who you are related to.
"God Edward, if it weren't bad enough ordinarily, this year Esme's pregnant too. What do we do? We need a game plan to actually beat him this time. I cannot stand his stupid version of 'We are the champions' for one more year. I want to see him cryyyy!" Emmett nearly screamed.
Why do guys have to be so competitive?
"Well, guys. Maybe it is time that you show some strength and act like the grown-ups you are. Just ignore his little game and enjoy your time with your uncle," I suggested.
Emmett just looked at me incredulously and gave me his best 'how-stupid-are-you' look. "Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? What else do we got?"
Edward made his way over to me and took me in his arms. "Sorry B, but I can guarantee you as soon as you meet them you'll want to beat the living shit out of them. They are snobby, obnoxious and way too perfect to be considered normal. It's creepy. But I liked your plan." He finished it all with a kiss to my temple.
Oh, Edward why can't you just ask me out, so we can be the perfect couple and have crazy monkey sex and live happily ever after? Well I couldn't tell him that but I was about to. I really was. So I just shut up and snuggled into his side enjoying his strong arms that were wrapped around me.
"Well seems like we have plans this weekend. Hey Alice, isn't your friend from work a big Justin Timberlake fan? I had some tickets for this weekend but now that we can't go I can give them to her."
"Do you think those tickets are for seats that are more than 120 feet away from him, his girlfriend or any of his family members?"
"Well then it's not against the law so yeah! I'll give them to her."
"Your friends scare me, Alice. They really do."
"Get a move on, Edward. If we show up even a minute late, we'll have to hear Carlisle's whining about how he lost a minute of his oh so precious time for the whole ride back," Emmett exclaimed, clearly annoyed.
"I'm coming! Bella, are you sure you'll be okay here? Thanks again for coming today. I think it'll be much easier to endure them if you'll be here." Edward spoke to me sweetly.
How much cuter can he get? Oh Edward, I would follow you to the end of the world…. Okay THAT was cheesy. Get a grip of yourself, Bella.
"Yes, sure I will be fine, Edward. I'll bake some of my famous chocolate chip cookies and help Rosalie out. She seems… stressed."
Stressed was the understatement of the year. Rosalie was freaking the hell out. She was running from the kitchen to the dining room like the freaking Tasmanian devil.
"Okay, if you say so. We'll be back in about an hour." And with that I was left alone with the fucked up version of Betty Crocker.
"Bella, get a move on and start baking the cookies! And please do it by the recipe and NO pickle juice," Rose screamed at me while furiously mixing some ingredients in a bowl.
"Rose, I'm standing right next to you. Don't freaking scream in. my. ear!" I screamed right back, just to make a point, of course. Not that I was freaking out. Not at all.
"Sorry, it's just that they get to me. Every single time they've visited they've always said something negative about the food. Always! And this time I won't give them the opportunity to be ABLE to say anything bad about the food. It'll be that good!" she said while laughing like a maniac and new determination in her eyes. As I said, the Betty Crocker from hell.
I just ignored her very weird behavior and started on my cookies. When the doorbell rang a little while later, Rose nearly jumped into my arms. "They're already back? Fuck, I haven't even put the chicken into the oven!"
"Rose, what the fuck? Relax! It's not them yet. Emmett and Edward haven't even been gone for more than thirty minutes. It's probably just Alice and Jasper." I tried to soothe her and get her away from me so I could go open the door, but she wouldn't budge. Instead, she just tightened her hold on me. "The door is open!" I screamed from the kitchen and prayed to God it really was just Alice and Jasper.
"What's up with you guys? Not even nice enough to open the door for us? Pregnancy changed you, Bella," Alice said while making her way into the kitchen and giving Rose a worried glance as she saw her holding me like some kind of security blanket.
"What happened with her? Did she see Emmett in her underwear again?" Jasper snorted.
"No, Emmett and Edward are picking up Carlisle and his family and Rose is freaking out over dinner. Alice, can you maybe give us a hand? Jasper, you wanna help too?" I asked desperately. Rose snapped out of shock mode and flew back into mixing and cooking with a newly found energy.
Jasper looked warily from Rose to the cutting knives in her hand and back to her. "I wish I could but I really don't want to. You guys can find me in the living room." And with that he ran out of the room.
"Okay guys, we have exactly thirty-five minutes left. GET A MOVE ON!" Rose screamed and with that we were all in cooking mode.
"I just got a call from Emmett. They'll be here in approximately ten minutes. Are the cookies done?" Rose asked.
"Chicken in the oven and soup done?"
"Check and check."
"Dressed and make up on?"
"Check and checkitty check!"
"Good, I'd say we are ready for the Addams family. Let's pray." Rose bowed her head and really recited a prayer.
"Dear God, please be with us this evening and help my nerves to stay in check and not strangle someone tonight. Amen."
Right after Rose finished, the door opened and Emmett and Edward came in, each one of them carrying one of the biggest suitcases I'd ever seen. Oh, and they were green. A bright, neon green. And they were covered in bubble wrap. What is wrong with these people?
Following behind them was a strikingly beautiful man with white-blond hair and a killer smile, holding a little boy in his arms, who was the spitting image of him, except his eyes were a hazel color instead of blue like his father's. On his right was a petite woman with caramel colored hair and lovely features.
Perfection, that's how I would describe them. They were abnormally perfect, not a hair on their head in the wrong place, and does the little boy really have a clip-on tie?
"Alice, Bella, I'd like to introduce you to Carlisle Cullen, his wife, Esme, and their little boy Robert August the second. Carlisle, Esme, this is Alice, Jasper's wife, and Bella, a close friend of ours." Edward introduced us.
"And you remember Emmett's wife, Rosalie, and my business partner Jasper, right?"
"Of course, Edward!" Carlisle exclaimed in a horrid fake British accent. What the fuck? I thought they were originally from Los Angeles.
"And I can't believe you and your little friend are still playing with boats. Isn't that cute, Esme? Just like our little Robert August the second." He cooed.
All three started laughing simultaneously and after exactly three seconds stopped at the same time. Now I get why they call them creepy.
"What the fuck," Edward whispered. "We are making luxury yachts and I have to say that we are quite successful and famous with celebrities," he gritted out. I saw Emmett shake his head and mouth to me, 'Let the games begin.'
I tried to think of something to get Edward's attention away from the spooky clan.
"How about we eat some cookies? You want some, Robbie?" I asked sweetly while addressing the little boy.
"MY NAME IS ROBERT AUGUST THE SECOND, YOU DUMMY!" he screeched in a pitch so high, not even dogs would've been able to hear that shit.
Rose just gave me a look that said more than a thousand words. Little devil child.
"Robert August the second, where are your manners? Now go with Becca and Rosalinda and get a cookie. But only one!" Esme chastised him, but a smirk remained firmly on her face.
That bitch is enjoying the torture her child is putting us through!
" Be-ll-a and Ro-sa-lie!" Rosalie pronounced our names slowly, and made hand gestures. Even a retarded whale would know our names now with all her hand waggling.
"Okay, Robert August the second. Come with us to the kitchen, we have some cookies there."
Rose took the little boy's hand and I followed both of them into the kitchen while all the others made their way to the dining room. Once they took a seat, they didn't waste time before they got started with their competition. I could hear them talking about their monthly salaries. I just hoped it would stay that innocent. Yeah Bella, you also hope for world peace and that unicorns are no fictional characters.
"Okay, here is a cookie, sweetie." Rosalie gave Robert a cookie while trying to smile nicely at him. Trying being the keyword. Because it definitely did NOT look nice. It looked more like a 'someone shoved a stick up my ass' smile.
"MY NAME IS ROBERT AUGUST THE SECOND, YOU DUMMY!" Robert shrieked again while kicking Rose in the shin and biting her finger. I gasped loudly as Rose yelped.
A cruel smile was firmly planted on the little devil's face as he laughed at Rose's pain.
"You fucking brat!" She shrieked loudly while trying to get to him. I immediately jumped up and held her back. "Rose, calm the fuck down. That's a four year old kid!" I whispered harshly into her ear.
"MOMMY!" I heard Robert scream suddenly. Rose and I screamed 'NO' at the same time. Now the mutant Mommy will be on our heels. Fuck!
Esme appeared out of the blue. Talk about not making a sound and getting freakier by the minute.
"What is it, sweetie?"
"What means fucking? Rosalinda said that word right now!" he asked her with innocent doe eyes. How can a four year old be so mean one second and then act like a little angel the next? Something is seriously wrong with his mind!
"Oh my God, Bella, he ratted me out! He knows exactly what fucking means! I mean he has Emmett and Edward as his cousins!" Rose whispered to me while I had to strengthen my hold on her.
Esme gasped at what she heard from her son and looked furiously at us.
"Rose, if you cannot control your tongue in front of children, who knows what will happen to your child when it has to grow up around such offensive language. I have only two words: Hill-billy."
"Did she just seriously insult my unborn child? Oh, she is going down." Rose shrieked angrily while shooting death glares at Esme and a happy Robert, who was munching eagerly on a cookie.
"Rose, I'll say this one last time. Calm the fudge down. She is right. We really have to be careful what kind of language we use in front of a child. We should really try to stop using swear words at all in preparation for our time as upcoming mothers." I talked to her calmly, trying to make that pulsating vein on her forehead disappear.
"Yeah, you are right. My bad, Esme. Won't happen again."
"No problem, sweetie. I guess as an unemployed person you get accustomed to using such improper language."
Aaaand the vein was back. Look at that, it even had a twin brother.
"I. am. not. unemployed!" Rose said in a deadly calm voice, gritting her teeth together hard. She reminded me a lot of a pit bull right now. If Esme didn't shut her mouth, I was likely to unleash the pit bull on her.
"Whatever makes you feel better, honey. Ohhhh, cookies! Can I have one? I've developed such a sweet tooth ever since I got pregnant again."
"Yeah sure, Esme! I made them myself. One of my own recipes," I replied proudly, happy to be able to move away from the awkward and dangerous conversation we were having just seconds ago.
The cookie recipe I used for today was one of my best. All people on the `Sir-mix-a-lot` website loved it and I got only the best reviews on it. Those cookies were sure to shut her snappy mouth.
Esme then proceeded to take one of the smallest bites humanly possible.
"Tastes passable. They are nice cookies but it could be better. Bella, it would do you good to visit this wonderful website called `Sir-mix-a-lot!` The recipes there are fabulous. This woman who makes them is truly gifted. You, not so much."
She finished that all up by spitting the almost nonexistent bite she took into the trash and smiling sickeningly sweetly at me. Then she took her boy and went back to the dining room.
"Did that blob just seriously say that my cookies sucked and then spit the rest out? Rose, the game is FUCKING ON. I want to see her cry. I want to fucking mess up her thousand-dollar hair that looks like a freaking wig and then force her to eat my delicious cookies! How can a pregnant woman be such a … such a bitch?"
Rose just grinned at me, patted me on the back and whispered, "Now you know what I was talking about. Let's go and help Emmett and Edward take them down."
After dinner, Esme went and put little Robert down while we all were finishing up our dessert. Carlisle was still talking about his amazingly boring accomplishments.
"Well, my dear nephews, I saved an ex-FBI agent's life while he was out looking for one of the most dangerous men of the world. They thought he would die but I didn't give up on him. I just acted out on my instincts and I was right once again. He told me that I could contact him whenever I might need him, and that he'd be forever thankful." Carlisle finished that up with a smirk on his face, his fake accent getting worse the more he talked, and I swear Alice had to pinch me at least five times so that I didn't start laughing out loud.
"Well Edward here has Pamela Anderson's phone number. Her private phone number if you get what I mean." Emmett smirked.
I turned my head fast to Edward and gave him a stunned look. What the fuck? Why does Edward have contact information for this porn star? Edward immediately saw my expression and shook his head 'no' in a frantic manner. Good. I don't want her to accidentally burst a boob when I hit her with my baseball bat.
"You have? Well my best friend, who is a plastic surgeon, did her breasts. I think he will give me her number too if I ask for it."
"Well Edward here learned French last year and he is near fluent now," Jasper replied back.
"French? Well I speak Spanish and German fluently. I guess I could learn French too if I wanted to, but it is a way too snobbish language in my opinion."
Esme, who had silently made her reapparance, giggled at that and picked at her tiramisu that sat nearly untouched on her plate. I mean I was pregnant too and I already ate all of it. How can this woman, who is carrying a child in her, eat like an anorexic bird?
"Well Edward here is a great cook. Didn't he help you with one of your famous cookie recipes, Bella?"
At that Esme snorted and whispered to Carlisle rather loudly so we could all overhear.
"Well honey, I tasted her cookies. Yours are way better."
"Excuse me?" Edward said rather loudly.
"Well it is true. They tasted poor. And a little like pickle if I remember correctly."
"Bella!" Rose and Alice screamed loudly. I just shrugged my shoulders and took another piece of tiramisu.
"Well Edward has his own stalker!" Jasper screamed.
"Carlisle was nearly gang raped by five horny nurses. HA!" Esme screamed right back while standing up and pointing her long fingers at him.
"EDWARD GIVES ME THE BEST ORGASMS!" I suddenly exclaimed.
Silence. I was met with dead silence until Emmett started laughing loudly and trying to high-five Edward.
"Well if Edward is as good at giving orgasms as you are at baking then I doubt that, sweetie. And Carlisle can make me come about four times a night!"
Rose snorted loudly. "You wish, you cow!"
"Well Edward has the best dance moves ever. He even won a dance contest once!"
That I knew was an absolute lie. Edward was a hopelessly bad dancer.
"I don't think so. Esme and I can dance a perfect waltz!" Carlisle said.
Everyone was now standing up, either screaming or snorting obnoxiously.
Alice was the only quiet one and suddenly she said loudly, "I have an idea! There is a dance night in my favorite bar tonight! The crowd decides who wins! We can head over there and then we can see who's the better dancer, once and for all."
Everyone agreed rapidly with a loud yes, except Edward who tried to protest against Alice's idea. Emmett got him by his ear and dragged him over to Rose and me.
"Okay Bella, you got to dance with Edward on this one since Carlisle will have Esme. And let's face it, Rosie, you are not the most graceful of dancers. At our wedding you nearly amputated my toes by stepping on them the whole time."
Rose just nodded and didn't even try to deny it.
"Okay, you two, when we get there I will show you some of my best moves and I'll get Alice to pimp your clothes a little bit. I have the perfect choreography and the best song idea. Let's get a MOVE ON!"
"Wait, I cannot leave Robert August the second alone!" Esme exclaimed right before we were about to leave.
We all looked simultaneously at Jasper, who was the only one without a real purpose.
"Oh man, really?" he groaned. We all just nodded and made our way to Alice's favorite bar.
Arriving at the bar called "Pretty in Pink" we realized that Alice's favorite bar was a gay bar. Just perfect!
We got into the bar fairly quickly, thanks to Alice's wonderful connection to the gay community, I didn't even bother to ask, and made our way to the backstage area to sign up for the dancing contest, which had already started.
"Good, my sweets. The doc and his partner will be the first ones up. You'll be right after this couple on stage. And by the way, missus, your wig looks so real! I would have never guessed that you were a man!" The manager winked at Esme and made his way back to the bar.
At first I was shocked until I saw Alice hand him some money and told him 'good work.' When she saw me watching her, she just winked and blew me a kiss. God, I love my best friend.
"Okay, Emmett. Carlisle and Esme's turn is before us, so we have about ten minutes to learn a fucking dance and win this shit!" Edward was near hysterics and sweating like a horse while doing some kind of pee-pee dance.
"Calm down, man. Okay, so you guys will start by being next to each other on the stage facing away from the crowd. When the music starts you'll do a rodeo. I think you both will know how that move goes, since you are that good at bull riding. Then you guys start to thrust your hips from side to side, forward and backward to the beat of the music." While he explained the rest of the dance to us, he showed us the dance moves and although they looked perverted and totally dumb I bet that most of the bar guests were drunk enough to find it funny and vote for us.
"And you finish this all up with Bella hopping into your arms and making the famous 'spirit fingers'!" Emmett finished while wiggling his fingers in a not so manly way.
Rosalie couldn't hold it in anymore and started laughing so hard she had to lean on me.
"Man, you guys are so going to win this shit. I love you, Emmie bear!"
"AND NEXT ON THE STAGE WE HAVE A WALTZ DANCED BY CULLEN AND HIS WONDERFUL WIFE SLASH HUSBAND, ESMEEEEE!"
The presenter screamed loudly while doing some moves himself showing off his nice pink navel piercing.
On the stage came Esme and Carlisle, who was dressed in a tuxedo with a bowtie and doing some curtsey to the audience. Such a kiss ass whore and where the hell did he get a tuxedo that fast?
They started dancing a perfect waltz, not one single step being out of place, and they looked like someone held a skunk under their nose the whole time. We had to endure their horribly boring dance for a whole seven minutes until finally some genius just turned off the music.
"And that, ladies and gentlemen, was a… dance. Yeah, let's call it a `dance.` Thank you very much Doctor and wifey! Kisses for the Missus!" The presenter screamed loudly into the microphone getting everyone's attention. While he was making some kind of sex jokes on the stage, Alice handed us our pimped out outfits that ended up just being ripped clothing in a funky color. "That's it?" I asked while putting it over my tank top and tying my hair into two ponytails.
"Yes, believe me. You guys will rock this!"
"And our next competitors are Belly and her smelly Eddie! APPLAUSE PLEASE!"
"Emmett, what the hell?" Edward screamed loudly while I dragged him up on the stage.
As we got into our position, 'Apache' by the Sugarhill Gang started playing. We started our dance exactly how Emmett showed us. The crowd went wild as soon as they heard the song and all the people around us clapped their hands and whistled while we finished it. Right as I was about to jump into Edward's arms and finish it up with some 'spirit fingers,' someone threw their underwear onto the stage and it landed right on. my. face.
Oh God no, why did some moron think it was necessary to let all these people know he wears tighty whiteys with 'Juicy' written on the back?
The whole incident made me trip and instead of Edward's arms, I was pretty sure I was going to land onto my face. Before that could happen though, I felt Edward catch me and pick me up, holding me close to his chest. Thank-fucking-God! As our dance finished, the audience went wild, screamed loudly and applauded us for nearly a whole minute. I quickly got the underwear off of my face and was greeted by a radiant smile from Edward.
"I think we won this, Bella!" he said happily while swirling me around.
When he finally put me down again, we gazed into each other's eyes, and totally blocked all the people around us out. I couldn't look away from his beautiful green eyes. There were so many emotions in them ranging from happiness to wonder to, dare I say it, desire. Edward gently took my hands in his, entwining our fingers and leading them to his neck. I felt my breathing hitch at his gesture and by his little chuckle he obviously noted it too. He then caressed my whole arm with his fingertips, starting at my wrist and working his way down to my shoulder. He continued until he reached my lower waist, where he circled them around me, making me feel secure and totally giddy. With a big smile on his face, he slowly got closer to me until our bodies were nearly all pressed up against one another other and our lips were only inches apart. I could feel his hot breath on my face and it made me want him so much more.
Oh my God, he's going to kiss me. Oh yeah, oh yeah, uh huh, oh yeah.
"Bella," he whispered against my lips. "Would you go out with me next Friday?"
"Yes, Edward. Now shut up and kiss me," I replied, while smiling like I just won the biggest prize in the world, which in a way, I did. I won Edward.
He closed the last little gap between us and pressed his pouty lips directly on mine into a kiss full of hope.
YES, they finally kissed! And next chapter will be their first date! But not only that… next chapter someone may or may not let the cat out of the bag about the Baby daddy secret! *shock*
Until next time! And please leave me a review!
Reviews makes me happy makes me be funnier makes White Gold funnier makes me WRITE even faster! :D