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Cheating On Dracula For Dummies
Cheat on Dracula? Why-ever would you do that? The answer is that after a few hundred years of marriage, things can go sour. The Count may return to his philandering ways or worse- he may gain weight. These steps are the most extreme measures necessary to knock some sense into the son of the Devil. This is not so much how to cheat on Dracula. More accurately, it's how to cheat on him, get away with it and how to make things better than they were before without getting bitten in the process. And here we go.
1. The Method; While out at a masquerade ball(as you both frequently attend on weekends FYI) you catch the Master Of Seduction flirting with a young lady. Interrupt without being rude and take him aside. When you tell him that his behaviour is disgusting and unacceptable and he asks "Why?" answer like so; "Oh, I don't know Vladislaus. Maybe it's the fact that she bears an uncanny resemblance to a plaything of yours from over five hundred years ago. You're probably her great-great-great etc. grandfather or something. God, being a dirty old man is definitely not a turn-on. I thought even you would know that much." Turn away and begin a casual conversation with a young, sexy waiter.
The Result; An insecure Dracula who is too scared of sleeping with a distant relative to risk chatting up another woman.
2. The Method; After participating in the making of the love one fine night, make it obvious that you have bruises from where his flab has hit you. For example; " Um, Vlad? I know we've had a couple of kids and all, but that's no excuse for you to let yourself go. I mean, if I can shed the pregnancy weight then so can you. You used to be a warrior. A smokin' warrior at that. Don't let obesity sink it's fatty claws into your taut flesh any more than it already has. That's all I'm saying." If he moves forward to kiss you again, shout "No, please not another body slam!"
The Result; A Dracula who has gone from proud of his talking tummy to deeply ashamed.
3. The Method; This step is to be performed as closely with step 2 as possible. Dracula has neglected to burn the carbs up. In response to this, sit him down and startle him with this unexpected revelation; "Honey, I'm sorry I have to break this to you but the truth of the matter is that I'm a lesbian." When his expression resembles that of a goldfish, offer an explanation. "It's thanks to you that I realised the truth. You see, your man boobs got so big that after a while they stopped repulsing me and started to turn me on. That's when I realised that I preferred the female anatomy to that of the male. I'm going to live with my girlfriend now. Well….see ya."
The Result; An overweight Dracula who is grateful that he has no reflection as the person that would stare back from the mirror would be a complete stranger to him.
4. The Method; All right, you're now free to do some cheating! The previous steps were necessary to give you a cover. Now that you're a single lady(for a little while anyway) who to cheat with? Would you like to keep it in the 'Van Helsing' universe? Or would you like to broaden your horizons a bit? Okay, say we keep it confined to the VH movie. Gabriel Van Helsing or Velken Valerious? Tough call. I wouldn't expect you guys to choose so you can have both for one night only. Sweet! If you would like to venture outside the movie-verse my personal preferences would be Jareth the Goblin King/James Bond(Daniel Craig)/Lestat. Feel free to insert your own fictional playmate.
The Result; A very happy and satisfied woman.
5. The Method; Dracula has had dwergi and Igor spying on you and is wise to your act. How to explain? Follow my lead. "I lived with my girlfriend for a few days but then realised that I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I had to find out if I was still straight so I had a spontaneous sex orgy with three men, two of which just happen to be your sworn enemies." Even though he is hurt, Dracula cannot live without you and after a long awkward pause he forgives you.
The Result; A couple who are now stronger than ever and a thankfully-slimmed-down Dracula.
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