YAY! i kept my promise! :) here it is...
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The phone rang… again. I didn't need to look at the caller i.d. to see who had been calling. It was the same person that had been calling for the last three days. It was the same person that I was both irrevocably in love with and insanely mad at.
As soon as Edward had left, I broke down. Everything came flooding to the surface. From finding my dad to losing Renee. From finding out Charlie was in a coma to meeting the Cullen's. From love to betrayal. I cried. I shed tears for myself, and only myself.
What the hell did I do wrong? Why was my life made up of such fuckery? Why couldn't I ever be the one to come out on top?
So here I was, wallowing in self-pity… still. I smelled as bad as I looked. I needed a shower and a shave and a good kick in the pants.
I'm not sure why I hadn't taken the phone off the hook. I was a masochist, I guess. Or maybe I was just lazy. I didn't fucking care. All I knew was that I had no desire to ever get up from this couch. Ever. Again.
Of course, fate has a way of being a nasty bitch. No sooner did the thought of gluing myself to the couch occur than there was a sharp knock at the door.
"Go Away!" I yelled, figuring it was Edward. He was probably double fisting, one hand on the door, and the other redialing my phone.
The knock came again.
"Seriously, Edward! Get the hell off my property!" I screamed.
Who the hell did he think he was? I would talk to him when I was ready, if I was ever ready.
"It's not Edward! Open the door before I break it down, bitch!" came a muffled female voice.
"Alice, I don't appreciate empty threats!" I yelled back.
"Oh, it ain't empty, hon. Open the door, we just want to talk!" came Rose's voice. "Please, Bell. We love you!"
I got a sudden burst of adrenaline as my temper spiked. Marching to the door, I wrenched it open, fully aware that I looked like hell worked over.
"You love me? You LOVE me? How dare you!"
"We didn't know, Bella!" Rose interjected.
I stopped short.
"Honestly, we didn't know."
Alice nodded in agreement, holding out a coffee for me.
"Please, let us come in and talk?" Rose pleaded.
I shook my head, the anger dissipating, but immediately being replaced with overwhelming sadness. "Fine."
I left the door open as I made my way to the kitchen with my coffee. It was scalding, and it felt amazing going down my throat.
I walked over to the cabinet, looking for something to eat. Cereal would do the trick. It didn't matter, it all tasted like cardboard anyway.
"Bella, you smell." Alice piped up, taking a seat at the table.
"You're a bitch." I deadpanned.
"We knew this. But even though I'm a bitch and your pathetic, I still love you."
My eyes welled up with tears as I heard those three important words for the second time from two people that in the grand scheme of things didn't really matter. I loved them both, dearly. But I didn't want to hear the magic words from them. Hearing them just made me think of Edward and thinking of Edward made me think of his betrayal. It was a vicious, vicious, cycle.
Rose sighed, "Bella… Edward's a mess."
Anger coursed through me once again, "Does it look like I've got it all fucking together over here?"
"That's not what I meant by that, and you know it," Rose scolded. She was born to be a mother.
"We're all a mess, Bella," Alice said, rubbing my arm soothingly as I sat at the table with my increasingly soggy cereal. "And believe me, no one wants to kick Edward's ass more than I do, but… he"—
"What? He's sorry?" I yelled.
"No," Rose shook her head. "He loves you."
Three times. That was three times in the course of like five minutes. What the hell? I hadn't heard those three words in… I don't even know how long, and now everyone was throwing them out like they were free candy?
"How do you know that?" I asked, teeth clenched. "He never told me that! He never said anything like that, and he lied to me! So from where I'm standing, it's pretty fucking obvious that he doesn't!"
"Bella, he's a mess," Alice tried.
"He feels guilty for getting caught. I would too if I were him," I explained.
Rose shook her head, "I've never seen him like this before. He never really cared about a woman. Not like he's been with you."
"Yea," Alice piped up. "After Vicky…"
She trailed off, looking like she said something she shouldn't of.
"Don't worry, I already know," I deadpanned.
Alice sighed in quick relief, "Well… I'm sure you know then that Edward blames himself for her death. Ever since then, he's been distant with women. You're his first relationship."
"Well woopty-fucking-doo. That doesn't change the fact that he lied, Alice! He stood there with me, next to my father as I cried for him! He let me come here only to find out that the man I wanted nothing more than to meet and take my pain away is completely incapacitated!" I yelled.
"Look, Bella. We're not here to justify what Edward did," Rose calmly explained. "We're just here to tell you that he's sorry and that he cares. He does love you, Bella, and we hope you can forgive him… because… quite honestly, you're the best thing that's ever happened to him."
I didn't respond as tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so confused. Did I love Edward? Absolutely. Was I mad as all hell? Fuck yes. So where did I go from here? I had never felt such strong and conflicting emotions before.
"We'll go," Alice said, breaking the silence. She got up and gave me an awkward hug – as I hadn't moved from my seated position.
"Call us if you need anything, Bell. Anything at all," Rose said as she pressed a kiss to my head.
They were almost out of the kitchen when I spoke, "Rose?"
She turned around quickly, "Yea, Bell?"
"Is umm… is Edward working… today?"
She shook her head, "No. He's taking a few days off."
I nodded my thanks, and with that, they left.
I stared at my now cold coffee and my completely disgusting blob of goo that once could've been called cereal. I couldn't sit here anymore. I had to do something. All I kept doing was playing these last few months over and over again in my mind. I was driving myself mad and I needed to get out. Now.
Making the decision that I really didn't need any extra pairs of eyes on me while I was out, I thought it would be a good idea to get cleaned up. So with a quick shower, shave, and all around pamper I was dressed and out the door.
I went to the one person I felt I could count on. I knew that when Rose and Alice said they were there for me, they meant it… but I needed someone else. I needed my daddy.
Before I could even begin to think about controlling them, tears streamed down my face. I was getting pretty fucking tired of the puffy eye/runny nose look, but I figured it was a moot point to fight it.
I went to his bedside slowly, the silence creating more noise than a marching band ever could. It pounded through my ears and made me aware of every breath I took, ever sniffle I made, and every step forward. Grasping his hand, as I had done so many times before, I completely broke down. It was as if his mere presence gave me permission to feel like a child again.
I had been on my own for so long, for as long as I could remember. I didn't have a parent that was willing to do that for me – in fact, a lot of times, the one I was fighting was my mother.
I looked at the planes of his face, memorizing… as if I were seeing him for the first time. I saw my bone structure on his face, and I traced the lines lightly, the way a blind person traces to see.
I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me everything was okay. It wasn't just because he was my father… hell, I grew up learning that just because someone was your parent didn't mean they had to love you unconditionally or protect you or make everything okay. There was just something about him, and I'd felt it the moment I walked into this very hospital room for the first time.
"Daddy," I cried. "Daddy, I need you."
I rested my head on his shoulder while my hand grasped his limp one.
"I need you," I sobbed into his shoulder. "I need you to make everything better."
I breathed in his scent, which smelled a lot like hospital at this point. But it didn't matter… it was still him. I started to calm myself down after a few seconds, my breaths becoming deeper and my cries becoming softer.
And that's when I felt it.
I jumped back, startled beyond belief. I looked at my hand, sure that this was some sick joke… or maybe I'd just gone crazy.
But no. As I looked at his face, I saw. He was frowning, as if in concentration. What had once been a peaceful stare had turned into a puzzled look.
I ran out of the room, as fast as my feet would carry me. I thanked God for small favors as I saw Tanya wasn't on duty at the nurse's station.
"Hi Maddie, I need a doctor, is there one available?" I breathed out quickly.
"Sure sugar, is everything okay?" she asked, concerned.
I smiled, huge and wide, "Everything's great."
"Oh, Doctor Anderson, Bella here needs to speak with you if you've got a minute," Maddie said as one of the doctor's walked into the station. I'd never met him before, but I'd heard he was very nice.
"I was just about to go on a break, but I've got a few minutes," he grinned good-naturedly at me.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You'll want to see this!" I smiled as I found myself doing a little happy dance. I realized that the bubbling in my stomach was no longer sadness or emptiness or confusion, but hope. I had hope.
I tried to slow my pace down the hall as Dr. Anderson followed behind me. I probably looked like that kid who'd snuck desserts at a birthday party and came home acting like a crack addict.
We walked into the room and I went right up to the bed, smiling proudly at the doctor.
He stared at me for a few moments before reaching for the chart at the end of the bed.
"Bella," I chimed.
"Bella. Chief Swan isn't my patient, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be looking at."
"He changed!" I supplied immediately, "His face changed. I spoke to him for the first time since I've been coming to visit him and his face made this frowning motion… and… he grabbed my hand!"
The doctor looked at me intently, "Can you do it again?"
I shrugged, "I have no idea."
"Sometimes, these things are flukes, so I just want to put that disclaimer out there. However, showing any form of reaction or stimuli is vast improvement from a completely comatose state."
I bit my lip as I tried to suppress my smile. I knew he said it could be a fluke, but the hope had completely overtaken my body. I was giddy with it, drunk off of it.
I grabbed his hand and looked at his face intently, "Dad? Dad, can you hear me?"
"I'm sorry, dad? Chief Swan is your father?" The doctor asked me.
Just was I was about to answer, it happened again. "He did it! He grabbed my hand."
The doctor looked on, astonished, "I saw. His lip twitched as well."
The doctor walked forward, coming around to the other side of the bed. He took his mag light out and flashed it into Charlie's eyes. He looked in his mouth and then put the light away. I had no idea what he was doing, but I could barely contain myself. I was hopping on the balls of my feet, smile wide and ready for any news.
"Chief Swan, can you hear us?" The doctor asked loud and clear.
:) :) :) tell me what you think!
i'm listening to edith piaf. giaah, that's for you my French love!
what are you listening to?
p.s.- the title doesn't really go with the chapter, but kill bill was stuck in my head. come at me!